Divergent No War
by Divergent.Sofia
Summary: If you can't figure out what this story's general plot line is by the title you're sad. Warning some of the chapters are graphic because I got bored and I felt like it.
1. Chapter 1

*****I DON'T OWN DIVERGENT! ALL RIGHTS TO VERONICA ROTH*****

**"You think giving you a hug would give away too much?" he says.**

**"You know," I say "I really don't care."**

**I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips to his.**

**-Veronica Roth (Divergent)**

**Chapter One-**

I pull away and see Will and Christina staring open-mouthed at us. I look at Tobias and he just laughs at them.

"What?" Christina asks flustered.

"I'll tell you later." I say and look back at Tobias.

"Nice job Six." He says and Christina looks confused. I just laugh.

"Thanks Four." I say laughing and he smiles.

I hear footsteps behind me in The Pit and I know exactly who it is before he speaks.

"_That's_ why you ranked first. I mean I knew it was suspicious that a Stiff ranked first but I never expected this." Peter says and I turn around and look at him.

"This has nothing to do with her ranks, it's more like the fact she has ten fears less then you." Tobias says and Peters jaw drops. He quickly tries to act casual.

"Whatever." Peter says walking away. I turn to Tobias again.

"Peter has sixteen fears?" I ask and he smiles.

"I have no idea I just made that up." He says and we both laugh.

"You should probably deal with _that_." He says motioning to Christina and Will who are standing, frozen, staring at us. I laugh.

"Okay." I say and he walks away. I turn to Christina and Will.

"Details!" Christina yells in shock.

Christina grabs my arm and drags me away from Will, away from the chaos, away from Tobias. She stops at the transfers' dorm. She sits me down on her bed and she takes a seat on Al's. Al's_ empty_ bunk. _Al._ My friend. My attacker. I push the thought out of my head and look at Christina. Her face looks expectant and then I remember why we left the Pit. She wants me to explain. This is going to be a long afternoon.

I tell Christina about how he saved me when Peter, Drew, and Al attacked me and how he showed me his fear landscape and how he kissed me in the chasm. And by the time I'm done she's just staring at me with wide eyes. I'm not sure whether it's shock or jealousy or awe or something else but it makes my stomach churn. She's been silent too long. Silence is dangerous. That is something I learned the hard way with Four. I don't know what to do. I feel her eyes turning me to stone. I have to break this tension, but I can't speak not matter how hard I try no words come out. Suddenly Christina squeals and hugs me.

"Oh my gosh Tris you're turning into a girl!" She says hugging me so tight she might break my rib cage.

"I've always been a girl." I say and she pulls away and she throws her head back laughing.

"Do we really need to have this conversation again? I thought we covered it when I told you Will kissed me." She says and I laugh too. It feels good to have a friend like Christina even if she annoys the crap out of me.

"Anyways I should go congratulate Uriah." I say before getting up. I don't know where he is but I don't want to spend another minute of my life by Al's empty bunk.

"Hey," Christina says grabbing my wrist and I turn "We're Dauntless now." We both smile and I walk out.

I get down to the Pit and after a while people start to recognize, though for some reason I wish they hadn't. I've never really liked attention but I'm a Stiff and I just ranked first. People cheer and clap my shoulders but I just keep making my way to find Uriah. After a little while I spot him and manage my way through the crowd and over to him.

"Congrats number two!" I shout over the chaos around us and he smiles. Lynn, who stands beside him with Marlene, scowls.

"You too!" Uriah smiles at me and Lynn can't help but smile a little bit.

"I guess I can't hold you being Abnegation over your head any more considering you ranked higher." Lynn says scowling at the last part. I can't help but smile at her.

"You know what? You can call me Stiff whenever want." I say and Lynn grins widely. I've never seen this side of Lynn but I kind of like it.

"Sounds good, Stiff." She says and I feel good.

"Okay so what jobs do you guys want? I need to know so I don't steal it." I say and Marlene laughs a little.

"Uriah wants to train the Dauntless born, Lynn wants to guard the fence and I want to be a Dauntless nurse." Marlene says confidently and I smile at her.

"Well I want to train transfers so I think we're good here. I'll see you guys tomorrow?" I see Uriah smile and I walk back to the dorms.

Everyone else has already packed their things to move into our new apartments tomorrow but I've been too busy. I walk in to see Peter lying down on his bunk looking at the ceiling. I walk over to my bunk and open my drawers to pull the clothes out of the bottom drawer. I turn around to see Peter standing right in front of me. I jump back and he smirks.

"You scared _Stiff_?" He asks and I roll my eyes.

"Nope." I say and his smile fades.

"Sure you weren't." He says and he scoffs.

"Back up or else." I say and he smiles cruelly.

"I'm not scared of you Stiff." He says and I smile.

"That's your mistake, I ranked four above you." I say smirking and he scowls.

"That's only because Four favors you. I have no idea why I mean look at you but nonetheless he does." Peter says and my smile fades.

"Shut the hell up Peter." I say and I kick him in the stomach.

He wasn't expecting that, he suspected I would back down. He stumbles backwards and then lunges at me but I'm too fast. I jump to the side and he falls to the ground. I kick his side and he groans out of anger. I hear the door open but I don't look because I don't care who it is. I kick again and he scrambles to his feet and tries a sloppy punch at my face but I grab his fist in air with one hand and punch his nose. He kicks my side and I groan. I try to punch again but he grabs me but my hair. I can't help but smirk when I see who's standing in the door way; Christina and Will have wide eyes. I kick him in his stomach and he stumbles. Before he can hit back I kick his side and he falls. I kick his side repeatedly as he cowers on the floor. I kick his shoulder before blowing a kiss to him and walking out. I can feel his eyes on me as I walk away.

"What was that?" Will asks and I smirk.

"It was necessary." I say and they look at me in shock.

Why are they shocked? Then it hits me and I feel anger bubbling inside; they're shocked because I beat Peter. They're shocked I won that fight. They still me as a weak little Abnegation they need to protect even after all that's happened. I push past them before I punch one of them too.

I wander with no sense of purpose. I don't know where I'm going but after a while I reach my hidden hallway. I sit down and pull my knees to my chest and put my head down. They still pity me. I understand completely now why Tobias never tells anyone his name; because no one will ever look at you the same. Although I was never abused my friends still feel they need to protect me. They see me as a weak innocent little Abnegation girl. I don't even know what to think. I decide to just tune the world out and think about nothing.

After about an hour I hear footsteps. Not just one person but a couple people coming towards me. I silently pray it's not Will and Christina coming to chastise me or something like that. The footsteps stop in front of me but I keep my head in my knees. I feel a foot hit my side, not hard but hard enough for my instincts to kick in. Before I even know it I'm on my feet punching Uriah in the jaws.

"God Tris! I was just seeing if you were alive, you didn't have to break my jaw!" Uriah says and I laugh still in shock from punching Uriah. His jaw is starting to swell a little and my fist aches. I put my hand over my mouth still in shock.

"I'm so sorry Uriah! I didn't know that was you." I say and Marlene giggles a bit, Lynn just smirks.

"It's okay, I just heard Peter had to go to the infirmary after another initiate beat him up, I assumed it was you. I wanted the whole story and I knew just where to find you, you're always in this hallway." Uriah says and I smile.

"He just got in my way, wait, he had to go to the infirmary?" I ask shocked. I only kicked him a couple times; maybe he's just a coward and couldn't take the pain.

"Nice job Stiff, I like this side of you." Lynn says smirking.

"Wait the side of me that _can_ beat the crap out of you, or the side of me that _will_ beat the crap out of you?"

"Both." She says and I look back at Uriah who's now bleeding.

"Um, we should probably take you to the infirmary." I say and Uriah nods. We start walking and Lynn laughs a little.

"God Stiff, you put two people in the infirmary in one day." Lynn remarks and I roll my eyes at her.

We get to the infirmary and I can't help but notice how Marlene's been silent. Lynn goes to check Uriah in.

"Marlene are you okay?" I ask and she just smiles.

"Yeah, just exhausted from my fear landscape." She responds and I look at her closely and she smiles lightly; she isn't lying. I look over as a nurse looks at Uriah's jaw. It's swollen and purple. I decide to go over to him.

"I'm so sorry Uriah; again I didn't know it was you. I thought it was like Peter or Drew or something." I say and he smiles wincing from the pain.

"It's okay; I know you didn't mean it. I should've like said your name instead of kicking your side." He tries to sound casual but I can hear the pain in his voice.

"You did this to him?" The nurse asks looking shocked.

"Yeah, I punched him." I say and she looks at me weird.

"It's a long story." Uriah tells her and she just shrugs. Lynn laughs a little.

"Is his jaw broken?" Lynn asks.

"I'm pretty sure it's just sprained, I'll need to get the orthopedic doctor to be sure but it probably isn't broken. I suggest you don't talk; that'll hurt." She says to Uriah and he nods. She turns to me and stares at me a while.

"Are you an initiate?" She asks.

"Yeah, I'm a transfer." I respond and I see a flicker of recognition in her eyes, how could she know me? I don't recognize her; her dark brown hair is twisted into a bun, her features are soft and plain. I have no clue who she is.

"Your Tris aren't you? The Stiff, the first jumper, you ranked first. _You_ beat up the other initiate, Peter's his name right?" She asks and I'm shocked she knows this much about me.

"Word travels fast around here, huh? Yeah that's me." I say and she looks almost frightened.

"What? You really think Stiff's going to punch you too?" Lynn asks smirking. I want to glare at her but I _did_ give her permission to call me Stiff so that would be hypocritical.

"No, I just, never mind." She says and I feel a little offended because she _is_ scared of me. I keep my face blank though.

"It's okay if you are; I mean she scares a lot of people." Lynn says and the nurse rushes off to get the other doctor.

"You can go Stiff." Lynn says and I look at Uriah who shrugs.

"Okay, I'm sorry Uriah; if it's broken I'll let you punch me back." I say and that makes Uriah smile.

I walk back to the dorms to see Christina cleaning blood off the floor by my bunk. I'm assuming its Peter's. She looks up at me expectantly, like she did after I kissed Four. She wants me to explain why I beat him up. She wants me to confirm I was the one who beat him up. She still doesn't believe in my strength no matter how many times I prove it. She puts a hand on her hip as if saying 'hurry up and tell me' but I just flop onto my bunk and sigh. I look at the clock and see it's already nine 'o' clock. It's a little early but I close my eyes anyways and drift off into a dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two-**

I wake up to shuffling feet. I look at the time and see it's two in the morning. I sit up to see Peter limp across the dormitory to his bunk. I try not to smile but triumph races through me. Suddenly he stops in front of my bunk. He must not know I'm awake. He pulls my blankets off my bunk and I shoot up and he smirks.

"What do _you_ want?" I spit at him and stand up.

"Well I _want_ you to be kicked out of Dauntless but I just don't know how I'll do that." He smirks. I hear some of the other initiates waking up but I don't care about them.

"Shut up Peter, that'll never happen. You'll just have live with me." I smirk and he scowls.

"Or I could kill you. Then I'd never have to worry about you coming back." He says and tries to punch my but I duck and drive a fist into his stomach knocking the wind out of him. By now all the initiates are awake and crowding around us.

"You win for now, but I'll be back. I'll get you." He says walking towards his bunk.

"You think you can beat me you _coward_?" I smirk as he spins around. His eyes are wide with some emotion I can't determine.

I look around to see the lights are on; someone must've turned them on while we were arguing. I see Christina who just looks shocked I dared to insult Peter and Will who just shakes his head as if saying I was being stupid. Instead of giving up I raised my smiled at him and decided to blow him another kiss.

"Sweet dreams you _coward_." I smirk and walk over to the door leaving.

I hear Christina calling my name but I just flick a hand above my head as if waving, but not quite. I keep walking when I realize; I have nowhere to go. I could go to Tobias' apartment but it's two fifteen and I'd have to explain to him all that's happened since we kissed an just the thought tires me. There's only one other place to go; the Dauntless Born dorms. I've never been in there and I'm a Stiff so most of them hate me but I have nowhere else to go.

When I get inside they're all awake and talking.

"What are you doing here Stiff?" Lynn says, she's sitting on a bunk with Marlene playing a card game.

"Nice to see you too Lynn." I say and she grins at me. I spot Uriah who's sitting on another bunk talking to a boy, who I recognize from zip lining; I think his name is Gabe. Uriah smiles at me, his jaw is purple and swollen and I suspect it hurts to smile but he does it anyways.

"You seriously brought the Stiff back again? Wasn't zip lining enough?" Gabe asks with a look of disgust and I smile at him synthetically.

"Gabe watch out, that's Tris." Lynn says and Gabe's jaw dropped.

"What's so shocking?" I ask mockingly and Lynn snorts.

"Shut up Stiff." Lynn says but she's smiling.

"Well you jumped first, you're dating Four, you ranked first, and you beat up Peter." Gabe says in awe.

"She beat up Peter twice, why else would she have come to our dorms? She wants to get away from the other transfers." Uriah says and I sit down on the bed across from him.

"Oh please tell me details! Is he in the infirmary again?" Lynn asks suddenly intrigued.

I explain everything that happened earlier today and then our fight that happened a couple minutes ago. By the end Uriah, Lynn, and Marlene are laughing while Gabe and some other girl are just staring at me in awe. Uriah claps and I stand up and bow.

"That's my girl!" Uriah says and I smile at him.

"As much as I want to I don't know if it's accurate to call you Stiff anymore." Lynn says but I can tell she doesn't to stop.

"Lynn shut up, you and I both know right now you're hoping and praying I let you still call me Stiff. I'll let you and only you call me Stiff." I say and Lynn smiles.

"Oh, sorry, Tris this is Kat." Uriah says pointing to a girl who's lying down on a bunk staring at the ceiling. At the mention of her name she shoots up and I smile at her. She pulls ear buds out of her ears and looks at me confused.

"What's the Stiff doing here?" She asks and Uriah just shakes his head at her.

"I have a name." I say Uriah laughs a little.

"This is Tris, you know, the girl who beat up Peter? The first jumper? She ranked first? She's dating Four? She did this to me?" Uriah says motioning to his face and her eyes widen.

"For god's sake am I really known as 'the girl who beat up Peter'?" I ask and Marlene smiles.

"The Dauntless love a good fight, especially one's that end in someone going to the hospital." She shrugs.

"Well why is she here?" Kat motions to me.

"Oh god!" I say rolling my eyes and Uriah grins.

He launches into the story of me and Peters' fight. It goes on for about a minute before I stop listening and lie down on the bunk I've been sitting on. I have no clue whose it is but I don't care. Eventually Kat just stares at me and I realize she was talking to me so I sit up.

"Sorry I wasn't paying attention." I confess.

"I asked if you're really dating Four." She explains and I laugh.

"Yes and no it has nothing to do with my rank if that's what you're thinking." She grins.

"Actually I was wondering if you knew his real name or any of his fears."

"I know both but I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone." Kat groans.

"C'mon give me something! I mean do you know how curious I am?"

"I'm sorry; it's not my secret to tell." I hold my hands up in surrender.

"Whatever." She shrugs.

We talk for an hour or so. The conversation changes to another topic about every fifteen minutes and half the time I'm not paying attention but it's still the most I've had in a long time. Sometime around three in the morning we all go to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three-**

I wake up to Lynn hitting me with a pillow repeated.

"Wake up Stiff! Time for breakfast." She says and I groan but I sit up easily. Surprisingly I'm not tired.

I get up and Marlene smiles and shoves me some clothes, I take them and thank her. I change quickly. She gave me a black tank top that shows my ravens and my faction tattoos and a pair of leggings. I walk to the dining room with Uriah and the other Dauntless born.

"You deaf Stiff?" Lynn asks and I snap around and she's smirking.

"I asked if wanted to sit with us." Kat says and I smile.

"You really want to be seen in public with a Stiff?" I ask, walking backwards so I can see them.

"As of yesterday you officially became Dauntless so yes, I do." Kat explains.

"Sure." I reply and run back to Uriah's side.

"Is it obvious?" He asks and I laugh.

"It's so obvious that I knew exactly what 'it' was even without you explaining." I say and he groans. I wasn't lying, his jaw was purple and blue and swollen.

"Thanks for sugar coating it." He says laughing.

"I was sugar coating it Uriah." He laughs and punches my arm, softly though.

"I really appreciate the bruised jaw Tris." Uriah jokes.

"Anytime." I smile and he stops.

"Want a piggy-back ride?" He asks and I jump onto his back laughing.

"What you can't walk?" Lynn asks catching up to us.

We walk to the dining room just like this. I'm riding on Uriah's back, Uriah cracking jokes and everyone laughing. I'm finally Dauntless and it feels good. Uriah charges into the dining room and I laugh as he walks to the line. He finally sets me down and I laugh.

We get our food and I sit in between Uriah and Kat. Across from me sits Lynn who makes faces at me every chance she gets and every time I choke on my muffin. After a while I can't help but look back at Christina and Will who sit alone at our old table. They aren't talking and for a minute I feel bad but then I remember the shock in her eyes after I beat up Peter and turn away. It would be nice to know Christina and Will had _some_ expectations for me. But I guess not. I mean seriously I was ranked first for a reason.

"What's did that muffin ever do to you?" Uriah asks and I look at my muffin.

Sure enough my hand is clenched tightly around my muffin. I must've made fists since I was mad at Christina and Will. I flex my fingers and let my muffin fall on my plate. Lynn laughs at me and smirks.

"Looks like someone had a mood swing." Lynn remarks.

"Shut up Lynn." I say and Kat laughs.

Kat tells us a hilarious of how she got a tattoo of a cherry tree on her back. Apparently Kat doesn't take pain very well. Then Lynn tells me about how she got the scar on the top of her hand. She got it while she and Marlene _attempted_ to make Uriah Dauntless cake for his 14th birthday, obviously they failed. They ended up catching the whole kitchen on fire in Lynn's apartment. Lynn moved out of her parents at 13 but after this incident they made her move back in for a couple months while the kitchen was repaired.

Uriah starts to tell a story but I'm not paying attention. I look around the dining hall and see Tobias sitting with Zeke a couple tables over. His eyes lock on mine and he gives me a half smile before looking away. I need to talk to him about Peter because right now he thinks I attacked Peter for fun and I don't know if he thinks I'm cruel for doing that or smart because Peter is well _Peter._ I look down at my mug of coffee, I don't need it but I sip it anyways. I let the warmth fill the empty feeling in my stomach. I don't why I've been feeling so empty lately but I feel better now. Maybe it's because the last time I say any bit of my family was when I visited Caleb and we got into a fight. I remember after storming off a guard taking me back to Dauntless and getting in trouble with Eric. No matter how hard I try I'll always miss my family.

"I'm going to go back to the dorms and pack." I say standing up.

"Aw don't leave me!" Uriah whines.

"But I have to pack!" I say and Uriah _sighs_.

"Fine, be a pansycake." Uriah says and Lynn rolls her eyes.

"What the crap is a pansycake?" I ask raising my voice a little. Uriah laughs.

"Its Dauntless slang, it's supposed to be a huge insult but no one uses it because it's stupid." Lynn explains.

"No, no one uses it because it's so offensive." Uriah says protectively. Kat just rolls her eyes.

"Whatever." I say laughing and I start walking away.

"Wait, don't leave me Trissy." With that I whip around.

"Good bye Uriah, oh and if you ever call me Trissy again I'll punch you in the jaw, but this time I'll make sure I break it." I say before walking away. As I open the doors to the dining hall I can feel Christina watching me but I keep walking.

Once I get to the dorms I feel a strong hand cover my mouth so I thrust my elbow back and hit whoever it is in the gut. Then I grab their wrist and bite it until I taste blood then I turn around to see Peter, figures.

"Nice try." I say smirking and he punches my jaw.

"Shut up _Trissy_." He must've heard Uriah.

I punch his jaw and he tries to kick me but I jolt to the side and kick his stomach.

"Don't call me that." I say in a deadly quiet voice. I punch him in the nose before walking away.

Why does he repeatedly attack me? I walk into the empty dorm and lie down on my bunk. I wasn't tired before but now I'm exhausted. My jaw aches but I'm too tired to go to the hospital. I hear the door to the dormitory open but I don't look to see who it is. I want to talk to Christina but I'm too tired. Out of my peripheral vision I see Christina sit down on Al's bunk and look at me but I don't look back, I just stare at the ceiling hoping, praying she'll leave so I can get some sleep in before we have to choose jobs this afternoon.

"What happened to you?" Christina asks and I sigh.

"I'm exhausted, can we talk later?" I groan synthetically hoping she can't tell.

"No, talk to me; why are you beating up Peter every chance you get?" Christina asks and I scoff as I sit up.

"When someone punches you in the fight do you just keep walking? Or do you punch back? Every time he tempted me so I fought back. Now let me sleep." I say and Christina walks away without another word.

I couldn't help but sigh. It took me only a few minutes to drift off into a dreamless sleep.

**Please Review! I love y'all**

**-Sofia (I love ya Pansycake!)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey Guys! I just wanted to say thank you for taking your time to read my fanfic! I love all of you strangers! Enjoy!**

**Chapter Four-**

I woke up to someone shaking my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see Tobias crouched next to my bunk shaking my shoulder.

"Tris, you're going to be late." He said and I shot up. I rubbed my eyes and looked around the dorms; we were alone.

"What time is it?" I ask getting up.

"It's two forty-five; you have fifteen minutes to run to the Pit." He says taking my hand.

We run towards the Pit and I see all the other initiates lined up according to rank. Tobias kisses my cheek and I run towards the front of the line next to Uriah.

"What took you so long?" He whispers and I blush.

"I was asleep." I reply and he smirks.

"What?" I ask and he just shakes his head laughing a little.

Eric into the Pit with a clipboard and just points at me. At first I'm confused. Why is he pointing at me? Why does he have a clipboard? Eric starts to look impatient and I figure it out; he wants me to tell him the job I want. Duh. I'm such and idiot.

"Oh sorry, I want to train transfers." I say quickly and he nods and writes it down.

"You'll have apartment B14." Eric says dropping keys in my hands.

I stand patiently and wait for everyone to choose their jobs. Uriah will train Dauntless born initiates, Lynn surprisingly wants to guard the fence, Marlene is now a nurse, Peter will fight people for entertainment, Will is going to guard the fence, Christina will help Uriah train the Dauntless born because Lynn works outside the fence, and Kat and Gabe work outside the fence.

Once everyone has their keys to their apartments and everyone has chosen a job, we finally go back to our dorms to collect our stuff and move into our apartments. Before I get far Tobias comes up behind me and says hi. I smile at him and my hold hands.

"So do you need any help moving into your new apartment?" He asks and I don't say anything. I know that the only reason he offered to help was so we could talk about what happened between me and Peter.

"You just want to find out what happened between me and Peter." I say laughing and he laughs a little too.

"No I want to know why Uriah's jaw is swollen and purple, and rumor has it you punched him." He says and I laugh.

"Well that involves explaining what happened between me and Peter." I tell him and he looks shocked.

"Wait, is Uriah teamed up with Peter?" He asks looking concerned.

"No, I'll explain it later." I say and he calms down.

I tell Tobias to go to my apartment while I grab my stuff and then we split up. I walk into the dorms and Peter glares at me. I smile and wave to him sarcastically and that just makes him scowl. I grab my bag off my bunk and turn around to see Peter behind me I throw a punch but he just grabs my fist and smiles.

"Nice try _Trissy_." He says and I just roll my eyes at him.

"Do you really want me to beat you up for the fourth time? I assumed you learned your lesson after the second time but I guess not." I spit at him.

"No, I came to apologize." He says letting go of my fist. I search his eyes for sarcasm but I can't find it. Why would he apologize? I mean he's _Peter_ for god's sake.

"Are you drunk? Is this some kind of joke? 'Cause it's not very funny." I say and he frowns.

"No I just feel bad." He says and I still can't hear the sarcasm. I roll my eyes and push past him.

"Sure you do." I say sarcastically and walked towards the door but Christina stops me.

"Tris can we-," she starts but I cut her off.

"Meet me at my apartment at five, bring Will if you want." I say and before walking away I smile a bit and she smiles back.

I get to my apartment and see Tobias sitting on the couch. He helps me arrange to furniture the Dauntless leaders gave my since I ranked first and then we sit and talk about what happened between me and Peter. I tell him about how I punched Uriah and he just laughs and shakes his head at me. Then we make small talk until someone knocks on the door. I look at the clock and see its five fifteen.

"Come in!" I call and Christina and Will walk in.

"You have to leave now." I say and Tobias frowns jokingly.

"You're kicking me out?" He asks with mock surprise. I get off his lap and he stands up too.

"Yes, I am." He rolls his eyes and laughs a little. He kisses the top of my head and leaves.

"Oh my god did Four just laugh?" Christina asks only half kidding.

"Yeah." I say and I sit down at the kitchen counter.

Will and Christina sit across from me and just look at me expectantly. I take a deep breath, this is going to be a long night.

I wake up and look over at my clock; it's three in the morning. I yawn and lie back down but despite my attempts I can't fall asleep. I stand up and walk out of my bedroom and into my kitchen. I put a cup of water in the microwave and text Christina.

**Hey are you up?**

The microwave goes off before she can respond and I make some tea before sitting down on the couch. I check my phone to see that Christina responded.

**No I'm zip lining.**

I laugh a little. I'm not sure if that's sarcasm or not; I mean for god's sake I'm in Dauntless aren't I?

**Are you joking?**

**Yes, I'm sleeping now leave me alone.**

I sigh and put my tea on the coffee table. I stretch out and the couch and smile as I remember what happened last night. After I talked to Christina and Will, all three of us went to the tattoo shop to watch Christina get a tattoo. I don't know how she did it but she convinced me to get a tattoo of infinity on my wrist. It has the word _Dauntless_ written in curly writing on it. I look at the bandage on my wrist and peel it off just a little bit so I can look at the tattoo. Later I'll take the bandage off fully but I'm too tired to get up and throw out the bandage right now.

I take a couple sips of my tea and dump the rest down the rest down the sink. I head back to my bedroom; I think I can fall asleep now. I close my eyes and drift off.

I'm almost completely asleep when suddenly can't breathe. My eyes flick open but even through the haze of sleep I know exactly who it is.

Peter stands in front of me with a gun in one hand and the other hand is clamped over my mouth so I can't scream.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey my Pansycakes, I decided to torture you and not add the next chapter last night but here it is! I love all you strangers! Enjoy -Sofia**

**Chapter Five-**

I bite his hand and he takes it off my mouth and wipes it on his pants. _Too easy_ I think to myself.

"Stiff I suggest you trust me and go and hide somewhere in this apartment." He says shakily, he looks panicked. What is going on?

"But-," Peter cut's me off.

"Just hide; I'll explain it later but you need to hide _right now_." He says and I get up.

I find a fairly large cabinet in my kitchen that's empty and curl myself into a ball inside of it. Peter shuts the door on me and hides somewhere else. Then the banging begins. It almost sounds like someone's trying to break down my door. Then there's a crash and I _know_ someone was trying to break down my door. That doesn't scare me as much as the fact that they succeeded. I try and quiet down my breathing but I can't help it; I'm so confused. I decide to just try and keep calm.

"Where are you _Stiff?!" _An unmistakably cold voice asked. Eric.

I can't breathe. What is going on? Peter come's in my house at four in the morning and yells at me too hide, and then Eric comes. God, what is going on? My lungs start to burn and I realize I wasn't breathing. I take in a deep breath but try to keep it silent. I hear a groan of frustration and smile a little. _He won't find me. _Then I hear a door swing open and a yell.

"Put the knife down Eric!" Peter shouts and I'm confused.

"Why are _you_ here? And no, put your gun down I'm a leader, you won't shoot me."

"No I will shoot if I need to now put the knife down Eric. She's not home, trust me if she was I'd have beaten the crap out of her before you got here." I guess Eric believed him because I heard a clatter on the floor by the cabinet. My heart sinks when I notice how close they are to me.

Suddenly I hear a whole ton of footsteps coming towards me. For god's sake who else is in my apartment?

"Eric put your hands in the air!" I hear Tobias' voice command. What is going?

"Why should I?" Eric asks and I can hear the smirk in his voice.

"Because you're under arrest for killing Cole Andrews; a Dauntless child." Max states boldly and I hear shuffling. The door to the cabinet I was hiding in swings open and the scene unfolds in front of me.

Peter helps me out and I see a couple Dauntless in bullet-proof vests escorting Eric out of my apartment. Tobias is helping them. Max stands in my kitchen, leaning on the counter. My door is completely destroyed, great. I see Eric's knife on the floor by my feet and pick it up. I place on the counter and Tobias whips around to see me. He looks almost; shocked.

"I thought you said she wasn't home?" Tobias states plainly. Peter smirks a little.

"Obviously I lied; she was hiding in a cabinet." Peter tells him and Max laughs a little.

"Why a cabinet?" Max asks me and I shrug.

"Because a closet would be too obvious." I say pointing at my closet door which is wide open. He shrugs and goes with Tobias to help the others escort Dauntless into a holding room.

Now it's just me and Peter.

"Okay do you want to tell me what the hell all that was about?" I ask flustered and he laughs a little and we sit down at the counter.

Peter explains that Eric was on some sort of a killing spree. He killed a little boy named Cole, a little girl named Sarah, and he tried to kill Peter but when he didn't succeed he said something about how I was next. So Peter ran here and saved me. But why? He wants me dead, he was willing to do it himself just the other day.

"Why'd you save me?" I ask and he shook his head a little.

"I couldn't stand being in debt to a Stiff." He says yet I'm still confused._ In debt?_

"What do you mean 'in debt'?"

"I tried to kill you during initiation. I couldn't stand being in debt to a Stiff. I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I was about to throw up. I couldn't take it anymore."

I don't think I could ever live like him. I couldn't stand the pressure of debt.

"That's not how life works." I state plainly.

"I don't what world you live in but in the world I live in people only help you for two reasons; they feel like they owe you, or they want something in return." I roll my eyes at his comment.

"Whatever, oh and thanks." I mumble the last part.

"What was that?" He asks pretending like he didn't hear me.

"Thanks. Now leave." I say pointing towards the door. Peter leaves and I go back to bed. I don't fall asleep I just lie there and wait for the day to officially start.

**Hope you guys liked it! I'll update later this afternoon! Love all you strangers (And Angie)! See ya! -Sofia**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey! So I just wanted to say OH MY GOD WHAT IS AIR?! I checked views this morning and thank you guys so much! **

**I got 440 views! Thank you guys I love all! Here's the next chapter!**

**Chapter Six-**

*** About a Year Later ****

I wake up to see the words- Fear God Alone. I must've spent the night at Tobias'. I walk into his kitchen to see him pouring a cup of coffee.

"How did I get here?" I ask him and he laughs.

"You don't remember?" He asks and I shake my head. He hands me a mug of coffee and I sit down at the counter.

"Christina took you shopping and then you fell asleep on her couch. Why don't you remember?" He asks and I think back to last night. I remember shopping and going back to Christina's apartment and then I remember.

"Oh I remember now! I'm just waking up don't judge me. I remember her putting on a movie and I forget." I say and he nods.

"Yeah you fell asleep, Christina called me at one in the morning telling me to pick you up but I forgot your keys there so I took you here." He explains and I nod.

"Anyways I should probably go home and sleep."

"You don't know what day it is?"

"No, is it my birthday? I never knew my birthday so I don't care if it is."

"No it's the day of the choosing ceremony." He says and I shoot up out of my chair.

"Oh my god we get to scare the living daylights out of transfers today!" I shout and he laughs.

"You better run home." He says and I shoot out the door yelling good bye over my shoulder.

Once I'm home I quickly take a shower and blow-dry my hair. I put in a fishtail and line my eyes with a pencil Christina gave me right after initiation. I put on black jeans and a black tank top that shows my ravens and my faction tattoos. I pour some coffee into a mug and rush to the Pit.

There I spot Christina, Uriah, Tobias, Marlene and Max walking towards the net. I rush after them smile at Uriah.

"Hey, so they just left The Hub." Uriah says and I we arrive at the net. I bounce on the balls of my feet anxiously.

"Hey Stiff." A voice calls behind me and I whip around to see Lynn. Her hair has grown into about a buzz cut but I doubt she'll ever let it get any longer.

"Hey Lynn, why aren't you at the fence?" I ask and she laughs.

"You think I'd miss the first jumper? Uh, try hell no." She says and Uriah laughs. Marlene hugs Lynn and Uriah punches her arm.

"You're back!" Marlene shrieks and I laugh a little.

"Yeah, but only for initiation, I have to go back." She says and Marlene pouts but Uriah just grins.

"Well you're here now and-," Uriah was cut off by a scream.

"I think their here." Christina says and I start getting extremely excited.

"I bet you an Erudite transfer will jump first." Tobias says and I put my hand on my hip.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is because I bet it'll be an Abnegation transfer." I say and Lynn grins.

"You're both going to lose this bet because it'll be Candor." Lynn says smirking.

"No one bets Amity?" I ask and Uriah laughs.

"We rarely get Amity transfers and when we do they don't jump first, it only happened once but the guy became Factionless after stage one so some people says it doesn't count." Uriah says and I nod. I hear indistinct shouting from the roof and I start bouncing on the balls of my feet.

"So twenty bucks?" Lynn asks and me and Tobias nod.

"Tris quit it!" Tobias says and I stop bouncing.

"Sorry, I'm just excited." I say and Uriah grins.

"Shhhh!" Lynn says and I just wait. Everyone's silent.

Suddenly there's a scream of joy and a grey blur. I'm about two inches taller so I can reach the net. The Abnegation boy takes my hand and I pull him onto the platform.

"What's your name?" I ask and he grins.

"Alex." I look back at Tobias and we both smile.

"Make the announcement Four." I say and he turns to the Pit.

"First jumper; Alex!" He yells and I turn back to Alex.

"Welcome to Dauntless." I say and he smiles shyly. Behind me I hear a scream and turn to see a red headed Candor girl drop into the net. Tobias helps her down and I walk over to Lynn.

"I win." I say and she hands me a twenty dollar bill rolling her eyes.

In the end we have eleven transfers. The first one was Alex, he has brown hair and celery green eyes like Wills. The second was a Candor girl; Emily, she had red hair and blue eyes, she looks like your average stuck-up pretty girl. Then there was an Erudite boy name Andrew who has golden blond hair and gray-blue eyes, he looks kind but then again so does Peter. Next was and Erudite girl with long blond wavy hair named Cass, she looks like she'll be good friends with Emily. Next was a brunette Candor boy named Mark who looks like a jerk. Then jumped an innocent looking Candor girl with golden brown hair and green eyes named Maddie. Next jumped another Erudite girl name Katelynn. The jumped another Candor boy who looked like a jerk; his name was Ian and he had celery green eyes and golden blond hair. Then jumped a black haired Candor girl with cold blue eyes, she looked like she didn't fit in anywhere, her name was Lena (Okay yeah for you Beautiful Creatures fans; I just had too! I changed her eye color to blue though!). Next jumped an Erudite boy named Zayn who has dark brown, almost black, hair and hazel eyes. He looked like he didn't fit in either. He stood by Lena as the last person jumped. The last jumper was a Candor boy named Chris, he had blond hair and brown eyes, he didn't look like a jerk but he didn't look kind either. I'm not sure what to make of him.

"This is where we divide." Uriah shouts coldly and everyone's silent. We both look at each other lock eyes, it takes all I have not to burst out laughing and judging by the look in his eyes, he's dealing with the same problem.

"Dauntless born, come with us, I suspect you don't need a tour of the place." Christina says blankly and they walk away leaving me and Tobias alone with the transfers.

"I'm Six and this is Four, we will be your instructors-," I'm interrupted by Ian.

"Why are your names numbers?" He asks and I roll my eyes.

"Because we want them to be, is that a problem?" I say in a deadly quiet voice. I'm so close to him I know he hears it but I doubt anyone else does. "The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut." I say louder, directing it at Ian yet looking at all the initiates. Ian looks horrified. I turn around and start walking. Tobias, who stands beside me, is smiling and fighting off laughter.

"We're going to the Pit, which someday you'll learn to love." I say, surprisingly there are no comments on the name. I push through a set of double doors and we walk into the Pit. I hear some gasps and whispers but I keep walking. Once we get to the chasm I immediately feel numb. Al. I push the thought away and turn to the initiates.

"This is the chasm; a dare-devil jump off this ledge will end your life. It's happened before and it will happen again." I say making sure that no emotion escapes.

We head straight to the dining hall and I slide into a seat next to Uriah and Lynn. We are having hamburgers for diner.

"Hey Stiff." Lynn says and I frown.

"Okay new terms to our agreement, you can call me Stiff whenever you want, _besides_ during initiation." I say and she shrugs.

"You take the fun out of everything." Lynn says as Tobias sits across from me.

"I believe you owe me twenty bucks, after all the first jumper was from Abnegation." I say and he rolls his eyes and hands me a twenty. Zeke sits next to Tobias and grins.

"How many did you make cry?" Zeke asks us and Tobias laughs a little.

"Tris scared the crap out of Ian." Tobias says and Zeke laughs.

"Which one is he?" Zeke asks motioning to the table full of initiates.

"The one who looks like a stuck-up brat." I say and everyone laughs. Then I point to Ian and Zeke nods. Before I take my hand down Ian glances over to us, he quickly looks away when he noticed I was talking about him.

"Yep, you scared the crap out of him Tris; he won't even look at you." Lynn says and Uriah laughs.

I look back at the initiates. Alex just sits there staring at his food, confused what to do with it. I glance at Tobias and we lock eyes, he knows what I'm about to do. We both stand up and walk over to the initiates. I sit down in between Alex and Ian and Tobias sits on the other side of Alex.

"It's a hamburger, put this on it." I say handing him some red sauce.

"You've never had a hamburger before?" Cass asks shocked.

"Stiffs eat plain food." Tobias states blankly.

"Why?" Emily asks and I roll my eyes.

"Extravagance is considered unnecessary." Alex explains and I laugh and look at Tobias who's smiling.

"Wow is it last year already?" I ask and Tobias laughs, everyone else just looks confused.

"Alright let's go." Tobias says and we get up and walk back to our table and Uriah shakes his head laughing.

"What'd I miss?" I ask and Zeke bursts into laughter.

"Ian, the look on his face when you sat next to him, the guy is moralized." Lynn says handing me her phone. On it is a picture of Ian, who looks truly horrified. I burst into laughter. Suddenly there's a tap on my shoulder and I spin around to see Peter. The room is silent.

"What do you want?" I ask annoyed by the fact that everyone is staring.

After Eric's 'incident' he was put on trial and executed. Peter was his replacement. All the initiates look confused.

"I need to talk to you later." He says plainly.

"Okay I'll call you later." I tell him bitterly.

"Still haven't forgiven me Tris?" He asks smirking and I roll my eyes.

"You tried to kill me." I spit at him although I don't mean it, I just know how his brain works. If I still haven't forgiven him; he still owes me. If he owes me he'll help me.

"It was initiation! I was jealous, get over it Tris! You know what? I don't care." He says and I laugh.

"No, you care, and you'll be in debt 'til the day you die." I say smirking.

"I know what you're doing but it won't work on me." He spits and I laugh.

"It's been working for about a year now Peter, you need me to forgive you, but I won't."

"Just call me later." He says annoyed.

"Bye Peter!" I call after him sarcastically.

"God Tris, I like you more and more every day!" Lynn says and I laugh. Slowly, people stop staring at me but I can tell that a few people still are.

"I'm going to go." I say and I wave to everyone else and walk off.

Once I'm home I decide against calling Peter. I'm too tired to talk to him. It takes everything I have not to punch him in the face when he's around; no matter how many time's he save's my life I don't think I'll forgive him. I lie down on the couch and there's a knock. I can't help but groan; I don't want to get up and answer it.

"Who is it?" I call and there's silence. Then someone speaks.

"It's Four." Four calls and I smile at the wall.

"It's open!" I say and Uriah walk's in.

"You're not Four!" I yell and I throw a pillow at him. He smirks as he catches the pillow and throws it back.

"Obviously, guess I know why you didn't choose Erudite." He laughs and I throw the pillow at him.

"I hate you! Okay so what do you want?" I ask and he shrugs.

"Christina sent me to get you." He says and he walks out. I groan, I'm not in the mood to go shopping or anything girly like that. I decide to text Christina.

**Hey Christina, I'm not coming over….. I don't want to.**

I wait another minute for her to respond.

**No! Come over now!**

I can't help but frown, what could be so important? Before I can think about this any longer there's a knock on my door.

"Come in!" I call and Marlene walks in with a panicked look on.

Marlene grabs my wrist and drags me out of my apartment. What's going on? I ask her this question over and over again but she never answers. She goes straight to infirmary. She drags me into a room and I see him, lying on a hospital bed.

_Tobias_.

**Hey! I love cliff hangers! They torture you guys... Ahhhh I love to torture people...**

**Love you strangers nonetheless! -Sofia**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey sorry guys I had dance! I love you guys! Okay here-**

**Chapter Seven-**

"Oh my god," I whisper to no one but myself. I know Tobias won't answer me because he's on a ventilator. I start shaking and I know I'm about to cry, but I don't want to cry. I can't cry right now, I have to be strong. Before I can stop myself I'm laughing so hard it hurts. Christina, who was waiting for me in Tobias' hospital looks at me weird.

"It's…. It's not funny…. I-I get that…. I'm sorry…. I can't stop!" I say in between laughs and I spot Lynn.

"Why are you here?" I finally stop laughing and she scowls.

"Well were like, you know….," She says and I grin.

"Were friends? Awwwwww!" I say and she scowls.

"Okay what happened?" I ask still not believing what's going on.

"Um, well Zeke found Four in his apartment all beat up like this. Um, they couldn't figure out who did it but it looks like someone whipped him on the back." She says and I clench my hands into fists.

"I'm so sorry Tris, but the doctors don't think he's going to make it." Marlene says and tries to hug me but I pull away.

"I know who did this." I say quietly and Uriah, who was with Lynn and Christina, just looks at me confused.

"Should we get Max?" Christina asks standing up and I shake my head.

"He won't be alive long enough to be arrested." I say and I storm out of the hospital.

I hear someone calling my name but I keep walking. I don't know where to find Marcus, or why he was in the compound but I do know that he was the one who beat up Tobias. I walk towards Tobias' apartment and I see someone in grey turn the corner. I follow them and when they turn around I see it's my mother.

"Mom!" I yell and pull her into a hug. She pulls away and smiles at me softly.

"Beatrice, I've missed you so much. How has it been here in Dauntless?" She asks and I smile at her. I notice something weird about her, her eyes are usually green but right now her eyes are a dark brown right now.

"Mom what's going on?" I ask and she smiles.

"Tris, nothing is happening, this is all a dream." She says as a bullet hits her from behind. She falls and I see Marcus in black clothes, he point's the gun at my forehead, there's a click and a bang and I shoot up from my couch.

It was all a dream. I must've fallen asleep after diner. Tobias is fine. I need to take a walk or something, that's all. I glance at my clock and see it's about three in the morning. Why do I keep waking up so early? I yawn and walk outside of my apartment. I decide to go to the net like I did during initiation.

When I get there I realize I forgot to put on shoes. I climb onto the net and stare at the night sky. There are only a couple stars scattered across the sky in my view. I sigh when I realize that I have to go home at some point. I wonder what Max did about the initiates; there were eleven transfers and only ten bunks. I guess I'll find out later. My mind wanders to something else; Tobias. What did that dream mean? _Did_ it mean something? I'm being crazy, that dream meant nothing, he's probably home asleep and fine. It was just so real. I mean I've never had a dream that felt like that before.

"So I'm not the only one up?" I hear a male voice say and I sit up to see Tobias standing next to the net.

"Just had a sucky dream and didn't feel like having another one." I say and he smiles a little.

"Want to talk about it?" He asks and I laugh a little.

"Hell no. So why are you up?" I ask and his smile fades.

"I just couldn't fall asleep, and when I can't fall asleep I usually come to the net." He says pulling himself into the net and sitting beside me.

"Well that makes two." I say and he smiles a little.

"Can I tell you something?" He asks and I frown in apprehension, is he going to break up with me? Come on, I silently scold myself for being so stupid. I knew he would dump me at some point, I just need to grow up and take it. I'm Dauntless, I won't let this affect me.

"Sure," I say and he looks down at his hands like he's embarrassed.

"Promise you won't freak out?" He asks but he doesn't look up.

"I promise," I say and he smiles a little as he looks up. I'm not sure I like the look in his eyes. I don't think he's going to dump me, but then what is he saying?

"I think I'm in love with you." Tobias whispers into my ear and I'm shocked, I thought he was breaking up with me, but no. He loves me. Tobias Eaton loves me. I'm loved. I look at him wide eyed and he looks down embarrassed.

"I'm sorry-," He starts but I stop him.

"I think I love you too." The words leave mouth before I even think them. Tobias smiles shyly and kisses me softly.

"Four & Six," He says and I smile.

"Four & Six," I repeat.

After that I climb off the net and head towards my apartment. His words swirl in my head; _I think I'm in love with you._ I didn't think he would ever say that. I didn't think anyone was capable of loving me. I'm not exactly desirable. I get inside and sit down on my couch. I don't fall back asleep I just replay his words in my mind.

I get into the dining hall and grab a muffin and a cup of coffee before sitting down next to Uriah.

"Hey Trissy!" Uriah says and I hit his arm.

"Don't call me that." I say and he grins.

"What you don't like your nickname?" He asks sarcastically and I glare at him.

Christina walks into the cafeteria and sits next to me without grabbing anything. I look at her and she looks panicked but she smiles lightly back at me. I grab her wrist and wrench her out of her seat. She tries to resist but I just drag her out into the hall way. She keeps asking what I'm doing but I don't answer. I pull her along until we get to the Pit and I stop.

"What's up with you?" I ask and she looks at her feet. She sighs and looks back at me.

"Um, I don't know how to say this Tris," She says and I panic. What if my dream came true? What if Tobias got hurt? I don't know when I became this selfish but I don't like it. Then another thought pops into my mind; Will. Will is guarding the fence, he could've gotten hurt.

"It's okay, just tell me." I say and she looks away.

"Okay um, this Erudite came to my door and like, asked for you. I don't know why but he scared me. I think he's after you or something, I don't know why it's just a feeling." She says quietly and my mind goes straight to Caleb. I laugh and she blushes.

"Oh, that was probably my brother Caleb, that's all. Okay promise me you told him nothing about me now." I say a little urgently and she nods.

"I promise, can I ask why?" She asks and I bite my lip.

"My family doesn't know about me and Four yet." I say and she nods.

"I told him I'd never heard of you." She says and I punch her arm. We both laugh before walking back to the dining hall to pick up our initiates.


	8. Chapter 8

**OMG I love you guys so much! CookieMonster667 thank you so much for the amazing review! I'm so thankful you took the time to write that, I'll take what you said into mind for the next chapter because by the time I read it I was done chapter eight... Anyways that was super nice of you! I love it when you guys review it makes me sooooo happy! Love you guys! Here's the new chapter!**

**Chapter Eight-**

"The first thing you'll learn today is how to shoot a gun; the second will be how to fight." I say coldly, shoving guns into the hands of the initiates. When I put the gun in Ian's hands he stiffens. I inwardly grin and walk to the front of the room.

"Six will show you how to shoot properly." Four says blankly and I lift my gun.

I aim and fire five shots. Each bullet went through the same hole the first one made in the old wood. The initiates stand wide eyed, staring at the target.

"Are you all brain dead? Start shooting!" I say and they all start shooting.

I walk over Tobias and he shakes his head.

"What?" I ask and he smirks.

"Just thinking about the first time you fired a gun." He says and we both laugh.

"I was just trying to keep the gun as far away from me as possible." I say looking back at the initiates; they're all shooting but I can tell Emily, Cass and Maddie are listening.

"The gun almost hit you in the face." He says and we both burst into laughter.

"Okay drop it! It was initiation! Everyone sucks during initiation." I defend myself and he shakes his head still laughing a little.

"Says the girl who was ranked first by a landslide." He jokes and now I'm positive everyone's listening because only a few guns are going off.

"Oh whatever," I say and look at the time. We have half an hour until lunch. It takes me a minute to realize I don't hear gunshots any more. I turn around and see all the initiates staring at me.

"Did I tell you to stop shooting?" I ask dryly and everyone turns back to their guns; everyone except Lena. I walk over to her and I can see the fear in her eyes.

"Why aren't you shooting?" I ask and she looks down.

"I'm out of bullets." She says quietly. I walk over and reload her gun. When I hand it to her she mumbles thank you.

I watch her shoot and notice that she hits about an inch away from the center. I walk over to Ian who barely hits the edges of the target. He shoots and it hits right where the tip of your ear is on the target.

"Great job, you pissed off your attacker." I say dryly and he shoots again, hitting the shoulder.

I just shake my head and move on to Zayn who hits the center of the target easily. He fake yawns and I smirk; he's just like Uriah. He looks back at me.

"Nice job, take a few steps back and try." I say and he obeys. He steps back so he's about 120 feet away from the target and hits the center easily.

"I'll be right back." I say and walk away.

I run over to Tobias and tell him my plan. He nods and I run away to go get Marlene, Lynn and Uriah. I spot Lynn and Marlene in the hallway and run up to them.

"Come with me." I say forcefully and Marlene shrugs and follows me with Lynn close behind her.

I run down the hallway as fast as I can. Marlene and Lynn are barely staying in pace and I slow down for them. I get into the room where the Dauntless born are trained and shove open the doors. Christina in yelling at a boy with blue hair and Uriah is just sitting there watching the others shoot guns. When I burst through the door Uriah shoots up out of his chair and waves. I can't catch my breath and I lean over and put my hands on my knees until I can talk.

"Get a muffin." Is all I manage to get out and I see the goofy grin on Uriah's face which tells me he's caught on. Finally I fully catch my breath.

"I have your long lost brother from Erudite." I say and everyone looks at me weird besides Uriah whose still grinning.

"Marlene, Lynn; go get a muffin and meet us in the Training Room. Initiates, follow me and Six." Uriah shouts and all the initiates put their guns on a table and follow us silently to the Training Room.

Once we get to the Training Room all the transfers look confused. Tobias just leans against the wall and Christina is still confused. Uriah looks at me expectantly.

"Well where is he?" Uriah asks eagerly and everyone's confused.

"Uriah, this is Zayn." I say pointing to Zayn who looks apprehensive, like I might shoot him.

"Everyone start shooting." Tobias says and I grab Uriah's hand and drag him over to Zayn.

Zayn starts shooting and hits the center every time. Uriah wears a shocked look on his face. Lena isn't even holding her gun anymore; she's just staring at Zayn. I know that they're my initiates and I'm supposed to hate them; but for god's sake they need to start dating already. Uriah shakes his head.

"Notice how close Zayn is to Zeke. You know you are so much like your brother." I say and Uriah punches my arm.

"So are you sure you want to use a real gun? I could always get my one." Uriah asks and I laugh a little because all of the initiates transfer and Dauntless born alike; are staring at us like we are alien to them.

"I'm Dauntless aren't I?" I ask and Lynn and Marlene run into the Training Room, a muffin in hand.

"We have it!" Marlene shouts and everyone is so confused.

"Okay Zayn, I'm going to stand in front of a target and you are going to shoot that muffin off my head." I say happily and everyone looks shocked. Tobias smirks at me and Marlene grins.

"What if I miss?" Zayn asks shakily.

"You won't." I say coldly. He nods and I take the muffin from Marlene.

I choose a target and stand in front of it, placing the muffin on my head. Zayn lets out a shaky breath and briefly glances at Uriah whose basically jumping up and down. Zayn relaxes and grins; when he grins he looks like Uriah. He picks up a gun and points it at me. All I hear is a click and a bang and the muffin falls off my head. Zayn's eyes widen and he starts smiling like crazy.

"God I wish a brought a camera! Where'd you get this idea Six?" Christina asks and Marlene, Lynn, Uriah and I all exchange glances.

"Oh you know; initiation." I say and Lynn snorts.

"Okay, it's time to go. Be back by one fifteen." Tobias says to the transfers and we all walk to the dining hall.

Uriah runs up to me and throws me over his shoulder, I shriek but he keeps running.

"Put me down Uriah!" I screech and he laughs.

"No Trissy," He says in a childish voice.

"God Uriah! I thought I told you never to call me Trissy EVER again!" I say and I can feel him smirk.

"Yeah, I'm not listening to you." He says and I can't help but smile a little.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys so like always PLEASE REVEIW I love to see what you have to say and it really helps when you**

**tell me what you like or don't like. Oh and please ignore the fact that I don't have page breaks**

**in places I should because I type the story with page breaks it's just my laptops possessed and doesn't like to **

**show the page breaks. Anyways I love you guys so much! -Sway Sway and Ancola (Inside Joke, please don't **

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**Chapter Nine-**

"Do you think anyone's figured it out?" I ask Tobias.

We're in the Training Room waiting for the initiates to finish their lunch. We got here early to set up the punching bags.

"Figured out what?" Tobias asks obviously confused.

"That were in a relationship; I mean I wonder if any initiates figured it out." I say and he laughs.

"_Relationship_, you make it sound so romantic." He says and I laugh too.

"How much time do we have?" I ask and he looks at his watch.

"Enough time for this," He says wrapping his arms around my waist and pulls me close to him.

I smile and he leans down and kisses me gently on the lips. I pull away and he pouts.

"Seriously, how long do you think it'll take to figure it out?" I ask and he takes a minute to respond.

"I think it'll take_ four_ days." He says and I hit his arm.

"You're so conceded! I think it'll take a week, unless Lena figures us out, she looks smart. She might be…..." I can't say it here with all the cameras around us, they'll kill her. "Um, different." I say instead. Tobias nods.

"I think your right."

We spend the next couple minute's just sitting on the floor talking about the initiates and then they come in. Lena stands next to Zeke and I notice that Ian is holding hands with Cass. Alex stands alone and Mark just scowls at his feet. They look like such a _happy _group, I think sarcastically and I stand up.

"As I said this morning, you will learn to fight now." I say in my instructor voice.

I watch as Tobias teaches them some punches and kicks. I walk around and observe each initiate carefully as they practice the kicks and punches. Lena is extremely strong, I didn't see that coming, yesterday she seemed so fragile but I guess I underestimated her. Maddie doesn't have much muscle but she seems to be doing okay. Alex hits the punching bag and it swings easily, I think he and Zayn would be good friends because they are strong but not cocky like Ian and Mark. Mark's bag barely sways no matter how hard he hits and I shake my head at him. For someone who looks so strong he's extremely weak. Or he's not trying. But why would he not try? I move on to Ian whose bag moves about the same as Maddie's, he's neither strong nor weak. I make it to Emily who's throwing pathetic punches and kicking sloppily. I would help her but this is Dauntless, she shouldn't need my help. Cass is doing the same thing as Emily and I sigh, they'll be the ones who fail. Chris punches forcefully and I have to say something because for some reason I feel like I need to help him. I know that he'll waste energy if he keeps punching like that.

"Calm down, you don't want to waste all your energy." I say quietly and he nods.

I move on to Andrew who's getting all cocky because his bag is swinging more than Mark's and Ian's. It's such a small difference though so I don't know why he's so proud of himself. Katelyn is pretty good but she could use some work on her kicks. I'm surprised the initiates are doing this well. Finally I get to Zayn whose bag is moving just a little more than Alex's. When he sees me he just turns back to his punching bag as if he hadn't. I walk over to Tobias who's leaning against to the wall watching all the initiates.

"Alex and Zayn are really good." I say and he nods, still scanning the room.

"I think Lena's doing amazing, I mean look at her." He says and I look at Lena; whose bag is swinging like Alex's and Zayn's.

"God, I didn't think she had it in her." I say and he nods.

We stand together like this until it's time for diner.

**It was short I know that but SURPRISINGLY I actually have a life (Hahahaha No I don't). But anyways REVEIW! Love you guys!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Since it's Friday and I have a lot of free time I'm doing two chapters tonight, maybe even three because I love you guys so much. Like I said earlier REVEIW! I love constructive criticism, it really helps me be a better I hope you like it! Love you guys! -Sway Sway (Inside joke... DON'T JUDGE ME)**

**Chapter Ten-**

"Hey Trissy!" Uriah calls as I walk over to my table and I roll my eyes. I set my tray down next to Uriah and Tobias sits at my other side.

"Stop calling me that!" I shout at him a little too loudly, some people stare but I don't really care.

"Calm down Trissy." Tobias says mockingly and I groan.

"What's the matter Trissy?" Asks Zeke, who's sitting across from me.

"I hate all of you." I say and everyone at the table laughs.

"What you don't like your nickname Trissy?" Christina asks sitting down next to Zeke. I groan again and everyone's laughing again.

The laughter dies down and the room is silent. I turn around to see Peter walking towards me.

"You didn't call." He says flatly once he's close to me.

"I didn't want to." I say bitterly.

"Careful Tris, I have the authority to kick you and your friends out of Dauntless." He shoots back. Christina looks alarmed but she doesn't know how Peter's mind works.

"We both know you won't do that because then you'll owe me even more than you already do, and that'll make you feel worse.

"You don't know me _Trissy_" He spits and I punch him in the jaw.

"You're wrong, I know you like the back of my hand. You're not a complicated person and I know you. You're simply a sadistic Dauntless leader. You're just like Eric." I say and he punches me in the jaw.

Now I'm on my feet. Everyone's staring at us but I don't care about any of them. I crossed the line but because he owes me; Peter can't say or do anything about it. He tries to kick my side but I dodge it and upper-cut low into his stomach. It knocks the wind out of him giving me enough time to sweep kick his legs out from under him. I kick his side repeatedly.

"You're a coward too." I say and he scrambles to his feet.

"Shut up Trissy, you're just jealous." Peter says obviously trying not to cross my line again.

"Jealous? Jealous of what? I ranked first, I have less fears then you and no matter how hard you try you will never control me." I tell him before storming out.

I run to my apartment, not to cower, but simply so I don't decide to go back in there and strangle Peter. I get inside and slam the door behind me. I don't need any of them, I am Dauntless. I don't need Peter. I don't need this. I don't. I don't. I don't. I open my fridge and grab an apple. I'm not that hungry but I eat it anyway. I finish my apple and throw it away when I hear a knock on the door.

"It's open!" I call and Uriah opens the door and walks in with Lynn and Zayn.

"Hey Lynn, why is my initiate here?" I ask Uriah and he shrugs.

"Because I invited him….. Duh…. So Trissy want to tell us what that was all about?" Uriah asks and I hit him with my pillow.

"No more calling me Trissy, Trissy died. Oh and that was just me getting on Peter's nerves for fun." I say simply and Uriah laughs a little then frowns.

"Well your 'fun' almost got us kicked out of Dauntless, so could you not?" Uriah asks quietly and I laugh lightly.

"Don't worry, Peter won't kick us out, I know how he works, it's hard to explain but he won't do anything more then call me Stiff and maybe punch me a few times. He wouldn't dare hurt me more than that, emotionally or physically. He feels like he owes me since I don't forgive him for trying to kill me during initiation." I say and Lynn grins.

"God Tris, you're a genius, you sound like an Erudite." She says and I know she's joking but it makes me panicky so I change the subject, I want to stay away from anything that could reveal my Divergence.

"Well um, thanks I guess. Hey I got to go talk to Four, he'll be pretty pissed at me for flipping at Peter publically." I say and Zayn looks confused.

"Why does he care?" Zayn asks and Lynn snickers.

"You didn't tell your initiates? You know actually I've noticed your lack of PDA but whatever," Lynn jokes and I punch her in the arm.

"There was _never _PDA we both hate that stuff." I retort and she laughs. Zayn still hasn't caught on.

"We're dating, don't tell anyone though, we have a bet in order in how long it'll take for the initiates." I say and he nods.

"Okay bye Trissy!" Uriah says. They manage to close the door right before the pillow hits them.

I lied about Tobias being mad, he's probably glad I did this to Peter because he wants to do much worse. I know better than to assume anything different. I decide to lie down and go to bed early.


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay so like twenty minutes ago I posted this author note because I was reading my story on Word and I like freaked because I**

**forgot about two initiates in chapter eleven. I was like soooooo panicked and sure enough I never even posted that**

**chapter yet... So I deleted it; sorry for the confusion; I'm just stupid. Any ways I love you guys! REVEIW! I LOVE to hear what**

**you have to say. -Sway Sway**

**Chapter Eleven-**

"So I think Emily and Cass should fight against each other." Tobias says and I nod in agreement. We're sitting in the training room pairing up the initiates for their fights today. We both skipped breakfast to do this.

"Okay." I say.

Once we're done we both look at it a while-

Cass vs. Emily

Alex vs. Ian

Mark vs. Zayn

Maddie vs. Lena

Andrew vs. Katelyn

Chris has no partner because there's an odd number. A little part of me is relieved but I don't know why, I mean if anything I should be worried about Zayn getting beat up, but I know he's strong. After all he is a mini Uriah.

"I think this looks good." He says and I nod.

"I think it would be better for Zayn and Alex to fight because their equally matched but I want Alex to beat the crap out of Ian so we'll do that tomorrow." I say and Tobias laughs.

"We still have another twenty minutes." Tobias says looking at his watch and I roll my eyes.

On one hand we haven't truly kissed in a while but on the other it would be awkward for the initiates to walk in on us making out and all.

"How about no?" I say and Tobias laughs.

"Come on Trissy." He whines mockingly and I can't help but laugh a little.

"Oh you didn't hear? Trissy died," I say and he laughs a little.

He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him.

"I'm pretty sure you're not dead Trissy." He points out.

He looks down at me and I look up at him. For a minute we just stare into each other's eyes. Then he looks away and smiles a little.

"I love you." He says so quietly I probably wouldn't have heard him if we weren't so close.

He looked embarrassed; he hadn't said that since the night we sat in the net together. I can't help but smile as he blushes lightly. I want to say it back but those three words aren't enough. But he deserves to at least hear them.

"I love you too." I whisper back and he grins widely.

"Four & Six" He says.

"Four & Six" I repeat.

He leans down and presses his lips to mine. We kiss for a while but then he pulls away. He keeps his arms wrapped around my waist though.

"It's probably to avoid kissing each other in a training room." He says and I laugh.

"Good idea." I say jokingly.

I untangle from his arms and hang up the chalk board. Just as I step away I hear someone open the door to the training room. I turn around to see Mark and Cass walk in holding hands. Other than that nothing really stood out from the pack of initiates.

"Today you will be fighting each other." I say flatly.

"When does the fight end?" Maddie asks twirling a strand of newly-dyed purple hair.

"The fight ends when one of you is physically unable to continue." I reply in a monotone voice.

I see a ripple of shocked faces but I don't let myself react to them. I will hate this stage of initiation. I can't stand watching people get beat up like that, even if I don't necessarily like them. I can't show my hatred of this stage though, I can't seem weak to them. I can't have them seeing me as helpless or they'll never learn.

"First up are Cass and Emily." Tobias says without emotion.

We both lean on the wall and watch. Cass is weak but fast. Emily has no muscle and is too slow. She doesn't belong here. Cass punches Emily in the jaw but not very hard. I know she doesn't want to beat her up because they're friends but Emily will never win so Cass has to. After a few hard hits Emily is knocked out cold. I have Zayn carry her to the infirmary as Alex and Ian step into the ring. I have not a single doubt in my mind that Alex will win. Ian is weak but he's pretty fast. Alex is big, but it's pure muscle and he has good impulses when it comes to fighting. After about forty five minutes, Ian is on the ground bleeding and cowering in a ball.

"Just roll over so I can knock you out already! If you don't I'll keep beating you up until the pain knocks you unconscious you coward!" Alex says to Ian but he doesn't obey so Alex kicks his side.

"Stop!" I call, everyone looks at me shocked.

"Ian stand up." I and he obeys. Alex walks over to the other initiates wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"What are you doing?" Tobias asks confused.

"This fights gone on too long." I say and I hit Ian in the temple. He falls to the ground unconscious. Tobias nods to Alex who comes back to the ring and slings Ian over his shoulder as if he weighs nothing. He walks away and I turn around to the other initiates.

"Mark and Zayn, you're up." I say.

They go into the ring and I swear the fight lasts two minutes at most until Mark is on the floor. Zayn throws him over his shoulder and walks out. Maddie and Lena walk into the ring. I know Lena will win because Maddie is just like Cass; she doesn't want to hurt people. That aside Lena is much stronger then Maddie and faster. I snap back into reality as Maddie tries to kick Lena's side but Lena just grabs her foot and pulls it away. Maddie tries to get up but Lena kicks her side over and over and over again as Maddie tries to get up. Lena leans down and punches Maddie's temple and she's out. By now Alex is back so I send him off with Maddie. Lena exit's the ring without a scratch. Andrew and Katelyn will fight later.

"Okay, we'll see you all after lunch." I say and they leave.

"So do you want to go get lunch?" Tobias asks.

"No, I'm not hungry. I think I'm going to go for a walk." I say and he nods.

"Can you come to my place after training? We need to talk about something." As soon as the last sentence leaves his mouth I know something bad happened. I nod and he walks out.

I decide to leave compound and wonder around. I walk around in a field by the train tracks. What could Tobias want to talk about? I have not the slightest idea. I don't remember doing anything that could make him mad at me so it must be something else. I lie down in the grass and look up at the sky. It's warm out with a slight breeze that feels nice on my bare shoulders. I wish that I could leave the compound more. After a while I can't help but miss the outdoors and how free is feels to walk aimlessly under a blue sky. I remember going on walks with Caleb on warm days outside, even though we weren't supposed to think of ourselves enough to want to go for a walk, we did it anyways.

Then my surroundings change, I'm not alone in the field, I'm in a field in Abnegation with a young Caleb.

"Beatrice come on!" He says playfully.

I run after him. I look down at myself and see I'm in a little Abnegation dress and gray sandals. We run around the field, chasing each other in circles, shrieking with delight when we catch up to the other.

I open my eyes and see I'm lying in the grass, alone. I sigh. Sometimes I can't help but miss the peace of Abnegation, and the joy of being with my family all the time. But I am Dauntless now.

"Faction before blood." I say aloud to myself and I scoff.

I chose a faction and left everyone behind, isn't that enough proof that I prefer faction over blood? Do I really have to be limited visits to them? Seriously, this is just stupid.

"Are you lost?" I hear a sweet little voice behind me. I sit up and turn around to see a little Abnegation girl with black hair twisted in a bun. She looks familiar but like a dream.

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't think I'd gone so far. Are you all alone?" I ask and she nods.

"My mom told me that I should go for a walk and think about the true meaning of selflessness." The girl says, she can't be more than seven years old.

"Why?" I ask and she looks down.

"I didn't share my jump rope with my friend Caroline." She says shamefully.

"Do you know where you are?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"Can you tell me your name?" I ask and she smiles a little.

"My name is Lacey Quartz." She says proudly.

"You look familiar, do you have any siblings?" I ask and she nods.

"No." She says and I nod.

"I got curious as to why a Dauntless was roaming outside the compound. I'm sorry I acted selfishly I just get curious." She says and I smile.

"It's okay, I don't mind answering questions." I say and she smiles.

"You're very nice, what's your name?"

"My name is Beatrice, but everyone calls me Tris. Can I tell you a secret?" I ask and she nods.

"I used to be Abnegation too." I say and she looks shocked.

"Really?"

"Really," I say back and she grins.

I take her small hand in mine and we start walking towards the Abnegation sector of the city. I notice a small bruise on her cheek and try not to recoil.

"Where'd you get the bruise?" I ask and she frowns.

"Some older boy tripped me in school. I feel on my side, it hurt really badly but I couldn't do anything back because he's older than me." She answers honestly.

"Do you know his name?" I ask and she nods.

"His name is Laiken, he's my neighbor." She says and I nod.  
>"Has he pushed you before?" I ask and she nods.<p>

"Well how about this, I'll talk to his parents. Pushing a little girl isn't very selfless." I say.

"Thank you." She says and I nod.

"Don't mention it." I say and she smiles.

By now we are in the middle of the Abnegation sector. I am close to my house and a little part of me hopes I see my family while another part begs I don't.

"This is my house." She says pointing to a house in front of us.

I knock before entering. Lacey looks worried for some reason, probably because she wandered too far and her parents might get mad. I hear a couple voices from the kitchen. I hear a familiar laugh. Half air and half sound. I stop dead in my tracks and Lacey looks confused. She squeezes my hand lightly even though she has no idea what's going through my mind. I smile lightly and we enter the kitchen. I see my parents and what looks like her parents.

"Beatrice?" My mom asks and I nod.

"I found Lacey by the Dauntless compound. She got lost so I took her back to her house and then you were here." I say and my dad scowls at me.

"Go back to where you came from Beatrice; you'll see us on visiting day." My dad says coldly and everyone in the room is stunned besides me and my mother.

"No, do you see this?" I ask pointing at her bruise.

"Her neighbor pushes her around; literally. I have to fix this. I may be your daughter but the motto I must live by is 'Faction before Blood'. And she is part of my old faction and she needs my help." I say suddenly extremely protective over Lacey. It feels as if I help her I will stop her from making the same choice I made. Maybe she will stay with her family and be selfless with them.

"Go away Beatrice." My father shoots at me.

"Andrew calm down, please. She's just trying to help this little girl. We are friends with the Quartz family and it pains me to hear Lacey is being bullied and I wish I was strong enough to stand up to that boy." My mom says and my dad tones it down a bit.

"Goodbye Beatrice." He says biting back hatred.

"It's Tris, and I'm not leaving." I spit and turn to Lacey's parents.

"Would it be okay if I talked to Laiken's parents about what happened?" I ask calmly.

"That's very nice of you Beatrice; you're a very kind girl. It surprises me you left."

"I wasn't always like this; I was selfish to the point of leaving. But I needed to learn how to be brave and how to be selfless; often they are the same thing." I say and smile down at Lacey.

"Would you like to come?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"Will you be back?" She asks and I nod.

I walk outside and over to her neighbor's lawn. I knock on the door and bounce on the balls of my feet as I wait. The door opens and I see a boy about sixteen years old, he must be like Caleb and had his birthday right after the ceremony. He'll choose his fate next year.

"Are you Laiken?" I ask in my cold instructor voice. He nod's apprehensively.

"Do I know you?" He asks and I shake my head and walk into his house without invitation.

"Who's at the door Laiken?" A women's voice calls from inside the kitchen. I walk into it and smile.

"I hate to be rude but I don't know who you are? May I please ask why a Dauntless is in my home? I feel as if I recognize you for some reason." She says in a sweet soothing tone.

"My name is Beatrice Prior, you probably recognize me because my parents Natalie and Andrew were friends with you I believe." I say and she nods smiling.

"Natalie and I were very fond of each other until last year when you and your brother left; she was heartbroken but she was too selfless to show it. We stopped talking then. How is she? I how I hope she's well." She says and I laugh lightly.

"She's next door actually. Well I'm here because somehow sweet little Lacey Quartz made her way to the Dauntless compound. I was taking her home when she told me a story about your son. She had a big bruise on her cheek and she claims your son Laiken beats her up sometimes. I came to calmly tell you to make your son stop and also to say that if he doesn't stop; for every punch, kick, or rude comment he says or does, I will punch him. That little girl is only about six years old and your son is old enough to know she can't defend herself, what he doesn't know is that I may be small but I can knock him unconscious before he can even think the word sorry. I'm sorry for disturbing you and threatening you, but I'm just stating a fact. Have a nice day and take what I said under advisement." I say before walking over to Laiken.

As I walk out he looks at me in terror. I open the front door and leave. As I walk out I see Lacey talking to someone familiar. And then I recognize him; Marcus.

**Hope you liked it! Love you guys! -Sway Sway**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hahahahaha I waited until tonight to post the next chapter because I have the ability to torture you...**

**It's actually fun! PLEASE REVEIW! I love to hear what you have to say!**

**Okay well here you go! I love you guys! -Sway Sway**

**Chapter Twelve-**

"Get away from her." I say cruelly to Marcus.

"Beatrice! How nice to see you again! I hear you and Tobias are close, how is he?" He asks with a happy tone that seems manufactured.

"I said get away from Lacey. Lacey, go back inside." I instruct and she looks confused.

"But I want to talk to Mr. Eaton." She says confused and Marcus smile's a sickly sweet smile.  
>"Get the hell away from her. I know the truth about you. You never loved him, and you don't care how he is. Not all Erudite's reports are full of lies. The scars on his back tell the whole story." I say and Lacey looks alarmed.<p>

"You foolish girl, do you really be-," I cut him off.

"You are foolish if you think I'll actually believe you. Lacey go inside now." I command and she walks to her door.

"Look, the only reason I haven't come down to Abnegation and beat the bloody pulp out of you is because he's the one who should get to do it. You are nothing but and arrogant lying piece of trash and you deserve to die. Shut up or I'll decide I know longer care who beats the crap out of you." I say turning on my heels and going into Lacey's house.

"What's going on Beatrice?" My mom asks sweetly.

"This isn't my story to tell. Maybe another say I'll explain it one day." I say and she nods knowing it's an emotional topic that I don't want to talk about.

"Well it was nice to meet you Lacey and I would love to see you again. I have to go back to Dauntless because I was supposed to be at training for the transfers two hours ago." I say before walking out.

I'm almost at the door when Lacey runs up and hugs my knees.

"Good bye," She says a tear rolling down her cheek. I get on my knees and hug her tightly.

"Goodbye doesn't always mean forever." I say and I leave.

Once I'm at the compound I decide to jump instead of going through the back entrance. I step on the ledge laughing as I fall down and drop onto the net. I crawl out to see Uriah staring at me in shock.

"Where were you? Everyone's looking for you." He says urgently and I laugh a little.

"I told Four I was going for a walk. I found a little Abnegation girl wandering around the Dauntless compound and then I took her home. While I was there I just ran into my parents and yeah." I say and he sighs.

"Let's go." He says gripping my forearm and dragging me to the dining hall. I look at the time and see its five fifteen. We get inside and everyone stares.

"Where were you?" Christina asks flustered.

"I went for a walk, I told Four." I say motioning to Four who's standing right behind her.

"Walks don't take five hours." Four says and I laugh.

"Well mine usually do." I retort. He shrugs and we both sit down. Uriah and Christina stay standing.

"Seriously Tris do you know how worried we were?" Christina says and I shrug.

"A lot apparently." I say and she rolls her eyes.

After a very awkward diner me and Tobias head back to his apartment. I am nervous for the conversation about to come. I have a bad feeling about this.

We get inside his apartment and I kick my shoes off. He opens the fridge and grabs two water bottles. He hands one to me and I try to smile but I'm too nervous so it comes out crooked. He takes one look at me and starts laughing. I feel myself start to blush.

"What's so funny?" I ask feeling myself turn so red.

"You just look so panicked it was a little funny. Calm down Tris." He says and I nod.

"So what do we need to talk about? I mean I want to tell you something but I guess it can wait." I say and he nods.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to move in." He says looking at his feet, he looks embarrassed.

"Wait so you got me so panicked when all you wanted was for me to move into a place I basically already live? I mean I have a dresser here for god's sake I thought like you were dying or something!" I say and we both laugh.

"You need to spend less time with Christina; you're getting a little dramatic." He says still laughing.

"Okay so I wasn't really on a walk all that time." I confess.

"No," He says sarcastically.

I explain to him about Lacey, Laiken and my parents. I pause a little when Marcus comes in though.

"Then what?" He asks curiously.

"I saw Marcus." I say and he gets this expression on that he only makes when Marcus is mentioned.

I explain to him how Marcus was bothering Lacey and how I threatened him. By the end Tobias has a wide grin on his face and his eyes look wild.

"That's my girl; tough as nails." He says and I can't help but giggle.

We spend the rest of the night talking and kissing and apparently falling asleep.

I wake up to Tobias' alarm clock and groan. I roll over and see Tobias awake and smiling.

"Were you watching me sleep? Because no offense that's a little stalkerish." I say and he laughs.

"No I just woke up and the alarm clock hadn't gone off yet so I just waited." He says and I nod sitting up.

I walk into the bathroom and take a shower. I get out and comb my hair, still in just a towel. I'm still combing my hair when I hear a knock on the front door.

"Could you get that? I just got out of the shower." I call out to Tobias.

"Sure, make me do it for you!" He yells back sarcastically. I hear him open the door and some indistinct chatter.

I slip out of the bathroom and grab a shirt from an open drawer and put it on over my head. It drops to my knees and I laugh as I realize it's Tobias' not mine. I slip on some really short shorts and run to the door. I see and Erudite boy about my age standing in the doorway. Caleb.

"I'm sorry I was looking for Beatrice Prior, I must've got the wrong house number. I'm, um, sorry, for, uh, coming." He says looking at his feet.

"Wait are you talking about Tris Prior?" He asks amused by the fact that I'm eavesdropping.

"Uh, yeah, I guess," He says.

"Oh she's here then." He says amused by Caleb's shocked face. I walk to the doorway.

"Hey Caleb! How are you?" I say wrapping my arms around him. Tobias clears his throat and I start laughing.

"Four, this is my _brother_ Caleb." I say and he laughs a little.

"Hi," Caleb says shoving his hand out reluctantly.

"I'm Tobias Eaton, Tris' boyfriend." Caleb looks up with wide eyes.

"How old are you?" He asks and I start to giggle.

"I'm nineteen." He says and Caleb rolls his eyes.

"Don't you think you're a little old for my little sister?" He asks.

"God what is with your family with age?" He asks me and I laugh. Caleb frowns.

"I thought the same thing." I explain.

"Can I talk to her alone?" Caleb asks and Tobias rolls his eyes.

"Go away." I say pointing out the door.

"Are you kicking me out of my own apartment?" He asks mockingly.

"No as of last night, I'm kicking you out of _our_ apartment." I say smirking.

"Whatever," He says and he kisses the top of my head before walking out.

"Do you know who he is? He's Tobias Eaton! He was abused! He could abuse you too! I suggest you break up with him right now. I just don't want you getting hurt." Caleb says and for a second I'm glad he worries for my safety and then the second ends.

"Do you think I don't know that? His back is covered in scars! It's obvious! But I know Tobias, he wouldn't do that. I know him better than anyone else. He doesn't want anyone to know his real name because he doesn't want people pitying him. He doesn't want pity, he wants love. And I love him." I snap at him.

"But I am willing to bet that he doesn't love you back. He's going to hurt you Beatrice; trust me!" He shoots right back at me.

"You clearly don't know him; he was the first to say 'I love you'. He said it to me right after initiation. I haven't truly said it and knew what it meant until yesterday when I said it back. We aren't like everyone else in Dauntless, we don't use meaningful word without knowing the true meaning." I spit.

"Trust me Beatrice." He says and again I feel that flicker of worry in his voice.

"Get out." I say pointing to the door.

"Beatrice don't do this to yourself! I hate being like this but I don't want him to hurt you." Flicker.

"Out." I say flatly, opening the door to reveal Tobias leaning against the wall waiting for the conversation to end. Caleb walks out.

"I'm sorry," He says before walking down the hall way.

I feel my eyes start to fill with tears and Tobias wraps his arms around me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Caleb staring. Good, I think, know he'll know that we truly love each other. Tobias strokes my hair and I bury my face in his shirt.

"He think's you'll hurt me." I choke out and he pulls back a little bit so he can look at me.

"I promise I will _never_ hurt you in anyway. I would hate myself so much if I ever did. I love you and it hurts to see you like this." He says softly and pulls me back into a hug.

"I love you too, I know you would never hurt me, but Caleb just doesn't get it. Not everyone understands our relationship." I say and he laughs.

"Half of the time the people of Dauntless are just shocked I can actually have emotions." He jokes and I laugh lightly.

"Christina surely was." I say and he laughs.

This is what our relationship really looks like.

This is who we are.

**Added more Fourtris stuff... I love all you guys sooooo much! -Sway Sway**


	13. Chapter 13

**Okay so I wrote this chapter while listening to Say Something and Sweater Weather (acoustic) and I was**

**like sobbing while typing this because it's a very emotional chapter that will probably make you hate me. **

**No; no one dies... Well at least not ****_completely._**** I mean like someone's heart literally stopped but you don't know truly if their dead so it doesn't really count. Hahahaha just saying that's not the sad part. MWAHAHHAHA! I love torturing you guys! I still love you no matter how many people I kill! -Sofia (It's too sad to sign Sway Sway)**

**Chapter Thirteen-**

"We'll be fighting again today." I say writing names on the chalk board.

Alex vs. Zayn

Mark vs. Cass

Chris vs. Emily

Lena vs. Ian

Katelyn vs. Maddie

Andrew won't be fighting today. She looks relieved but I can't tell because she has a huge bruise on her jaw and cheek. Lena looks at her feet as if she feels bad. Zayn and Alex both smirk at each other; I think their friends now. Mark laughs as he sees his name next to Cass'. Emily groans when she looks at Chris who's smirking. Ian looks at me horrified; knowing that Lena will beat the crap out of him. He knows I pair him up with good fighters on purpose. I'm not sure I want to be here tomorrow because I will have to make Zayn and Lena fight. Lena keeps getting paired with the weak and won't learn anything by winning every time. I would make Alex and Lena fight but Alex has to fight Chris so Chris can learn as well as Lena.

"Alex and Zayn." Tobias says and they walk into the ring.

This'll be interesting. I take my place; leaning against the wall next to Tobias. Alex will make the first move; I just know it. Sure enough Alex punches Zayn's jaw and catches him off guard. Zayn quickly recovers and punches Alex's jaw, smirking.

"Don't go easy on me Stiff; I know I'm going to lose so just speed up the process." Zayn jokes and Alex kicks his side; knocking him to the floor. Zayn scrambles to his feet and kicks Alex's stomach causing him to stumble a bit before regaining all balance.

"Oh don't worry; it's fun beating you up." Alex retorts punching Zayn's jaw. They stop joking and start seriously fighting.

Zayn tries to kick Alex's side but he dodges it. Alex grabs Zayn by the front of his shirt and slams his palm into his temple causing him to fall to the floor unconscious. Alex knees by Zayn's fallen body and slaps his cheek causing him to open eyes even though he's awake he's still dazed.

"Bring him to the infirmary Four." I say and Tobias helps Zayn up and half walks half carries Zayn out of the training room.

"Mark and Cass," I say and they walk into the ring.

Cass puts her hands too high up, covering her face but blocking her view. Cass is fast but she doesn't know how to use her speed right. She throws a punch but Mark catches her fist and punches her jaw. She kicks his stomach and he grabs a lock of her blond hair. He drags her close and punches her jaw a few times and she's out cold. Mark sweeps an arm under her legs and carries her out of the room.

Chris and Emily walk into the ring and I don't even watch because I already know what will happen. Five seconds in Chris punches her jaw twice before she collapses to floor. I know she's faking so I kick her side and she shoots up.

"Coward," I hiss quietly into her ear and she shudders before walking over to the other initiates.

Lena is smirking as she enters the ring. We've all seen how much a coward Ian is. He'll be the one I cut. He doesn't belong here. Ian punches her jaw and she's out. No blood. No pain. No true fighting. I cross my arms, feeling my eyes widen. Tobias and I lock eyes and I nod. This had nothing to do with the fight. This was something else. I circle Lena's name and I hear whispers of confusion.

"I am afraid Ian didn't win." I say and everyone looks confused; Ian just looks angry.

"It seems more like something else caused her to go unconscious." I say and motion for Zayn who just walked in from the infirmary. His eyes widen in confusion and terror at the sight of Lena on the ground. He lets out a shaky breath and looks at me wide eyed.

"How'd he beat her?" He asks trying to act calm but I can hear the panic in his voice.

"He didn't." I say and he looks at me confused. I keep my eyes locked on his. The room is silent. No one understands what's really going through Zayn's mind but me.

"Four will continue training while Zayn helps me bring Lena to the infirmary." I say looking away. Four looks at me and his face says it all. He doesn't get Zayn like I do. He wants to know why I need help. But I deprive him from the truth.

Zayn slips an arm under Lena's knees and picks her up. We start to walk out and Zayn mouths thank you and I smile at him. We walk to the infirmary in silence until Zayn stops and turns to me.

"Why are you doing this to me? Why are you nice to me?" He asks.

"You remind me of someone I've learned to love. Uriah is my best friend and I only see him at meals now. Sometimes he isn't even there; he's setting up for training. You're just like him. And I miss him." I say and suddenly I realize how much I miss seeing Uriah. Zayn starts walking and I follow him. He doesn't say anything but there's nothing to say.

"Why don't you tell him that?" Zayn says after a while.

"Because he's a Dauntless born; he doesn't understand that sort of stuff." I say and he looks at me confused.

"Aren't you a Dauntless born?" He asks and I look down embarrassed.

I can't tell him I'm Abnegation born. He'll think I'm not strong. When he looks at me all he'll see is a Stiff. He won't see Six anymore. But then again he'll look at me different anyways because he knows about Uriah and how much I miss him. He'll see me as a person who was emotion's which I don't know is good or bad.

What I told him was true; I just didn't know it yet. I miss Uriah. He was my best friend during initiation because he believed in my strength yet protected me when I seemed weak. He knew me. And then we grew up and got jobs and everything changed. We stopped hanging out around a week after initiation because it just didn't feel right because Lynn was out beyond the fence. Without her calling me Stiff it just didn't feel right.

"No, I'm a transfer." It was the truth but also a lie. Christina told me that a lie by omission was still considered a lie in Candor. But I didn't lie because I am a transfer.

"What faction were you from?" He asks. The look in his eyes tells me he knows I won't answer but he chose to ask anyways.

"It doesn't matter; I'm Dauntless now." I say sharply. I didn't mean it to come out that way but it did.

Zayn stays silent until we get to the infirmary. We walk in and everyone stares.

"What happened? Was it training?" A nurse asks leading us to a bed against the wall.

"No she just went unconscious randomly." Zayn says and for the first time I see how sarcastic that sounds. Zayn must've heard how pathetic it sounded too because we both burst out laughing. The nurse looked at us weird and we stopped.

"Sorry, she passed out in the middle of training." I explain to the nurse and she nods.

I turn to Zayn who has a panicked look on his face again now that nothing is distracting him from the situation. The nurse finds a pulse and presses a blue button on her pager. The intercom started.

"Code Blue floor one." It repeated three times and then a whole ton of doctors came rushing towards Lena with a cart. A nurse pushed us out of the room mumbling sorry. She closed the door behind her and shut the blinds.

"Zayn we have to go back. We can't help her." I say. He looks like someone just punched his jaw. I knew my words would hurt but I guess I over exaggerated his strength right now.

"I can't just leave her!" He yells and some people in the waiting room stare.

"Yes; you can and you will because there's nothing you can do Zayn! We aren't doctors!" I yell back and everyone's staring now.

"You don't understand it do you? This feeling of….. Of….. Powerlessness!" He yells.

"I do, Zayn! I do understand; I know it's hard. I know how it feels to watch someone you love or like or whatever get hurt and not be able to do anything about it! I know that feeling more than you know! I hate that feeling the same if not more then you! But you can't break! You can't break because everyone is watching!" I scream at him and we are both crying.

"I don't think you do." He says quietly.

"Trust me; I know that feeling more then you could imagine. I am broken inside but you can't know that because you're my initiate; but I'll tell you because you need to hear it. You need to know you're not alone. You only knew her two days though; I knew this person for 15 years. I still know them. It hurts every time I see them but I can't tell them because what they went through is far worse on the inside then the outside. Go back to the dorms Zayn. Go and lay down." I say and we are yelling again.

"I can't, I can't face them and their manufactured pity. They'll think I'm weak Tris!" He yells and looks at his feet. He called me Tris.

"Stay at my old apartment. I don't even live there anymore. Stay there until Lena's ok." I say and he looks up.

"What if she never is? What if she died?" He asks and I look away.

"I don't know. Sometimes its better that way; it better knowing that they aren't suffering anymore. It'll hurt, it'll hurt like hell; but there will come a moment when you know you did the right thing by letting them go." I say and I look down. I'm not sure if I'm talking about Tobias anymore but instead Al.

"Will it get better?" He asks and I look at my shoes.

"Sometimes you'll feel fine and other times you won't but no; it changes you. You'll never be yourself. They'll take a piece of you with them." I say and I wipe the tears off my cheek. I step closer to Zayn and he hugs me. At first I think he's comforting me, but no; he's crying even harder.

"Here, let me take you to my apartment." I say pulling away.

I hold out my hand and he takes it. We walk out and for some reason I feel as if I'm lighter. Not in a good way though; more like I lost another part of me in there. I hate being weak, especially in front of my initiates but Zayn needed to know he wasn't the only one broken inside. We get to my apartment and I pull my key out of my pocket and hand it to Zayn.

"Here, you can keep it." I say and he smiles a little.

"Thanks," He says his voice quiet yet thick with emotion from the events of today.

I walk to chasm instead of the training room. Some Dauntless stand around the railing but I ignore them. I walk to the railing and look down to the rocks.

"I forgive you." I say.

Some people stare but I ignore them and let a tear roll down my cheek.

"I'm sorry that I didn't say this soon enough but I forgive you. I hope one day you'll forgive me. I'm the reason you died and I'm the one who made you do this." I say, quieter this time.

I wipe my face and take a deep breathe; time to go back to training. I start walking; not paying attention to where I'm really going. I walk until I see two doors in front of me; I'm at the Dauntless born training room. I open the door two see the blue haired guy punching a girl with blond hair and blue highlights. Uriah looks up at me and smiles. Christina looks at me confused.

"Uriah can I borrow you a minute?" I ask and he nods.

He follows me to the hallway and stops. He stares at me a minute and I realize there was no actual purpose for getting him other than the fact that I wanted to see him. I look down.

"When do want to do the capture the flag game?" I blurt out.

"How about two days?" He asks and I nod.

"We shouldn't make it official right yet because my initiate Lena is sick or something." I say shrugging.

I hate having to pretend like nothing's wrong. I had to do it in Abnegation and I have to do it here. I hate shrugging it off. I just cried and screamed at one of my initiates over Lena. But he doesn't understand that sort of stuff. If he does he is amazing at hiding it. I don't want to take the risk so I shrug. I hate myself so much right now for shrugging Lena off. I hate Dauntless for making me. I hate Zayn for making me like him so much. I hate Marcus for making me understand Zayn more. I hate Eric for making the Dauntless initiation so cruel Al killed himself. Ad I feel myself hating Uriah for not understanding.

"Oh ok." Uriah interrupts my thoughts and walks back into the training room.

I walk back to the transfer training room but something stops me from entering. Maybe it's because the room will be empty without Lena and Zayn. Maybe it's the fact that I've been gone so long there will be questions. It might even be that I changed a bit when I was in the waiting room with Zayn. I'm not sure which of these is true; I'm not sure any of them are. I take a deep breath and open the door.

The initiates are using punching bags and Tobias is leaning against the wall watching them. No one notices my entry. I let the door close loudly and everyone stops punching. Everyone is staring at me. Everyone is waiting for me to tell them if Lena's ok. They want me to tell them where Zayn is. They want to find him and pretend they understood what he was going through. They wanted to tell him they hope she will be okay too; but inside they really don't care about her. They just pity her. Zayn is at my apartment because he doesn't want that.

"Did we tell you to stop?" I yell in the cruelest voice I can muster right now.

The initiates look stunned that I didn't explain to them the situation. They look surprised I yelled at them like that. They start punching again and I scowl at them. Tobias looks at me; but he isn't like them. He understands that I never want to talk about what just happened. He understands what ever happened in the hospital with Lena, Zayn and I was horrible. He knows he'll never hear the true story. He knows this isn't just about Lena but _everything_.

"Is she dead?" Tobias whispers softly.

"No," I say and he nods.

**So please review and all that crap... Just wanted to say that I didn't mean for that to happen, it just sorta did. I basically based it off my favorite line from Sweater Weather; the only line that's REALLY emotional-**

_**It's too cold for you here**_

** -Sofia**


	14. Chapter 14

**Okay so READINGISWATIDO yes I did finish the series. I cried more at Tobias' reaction though. So yeah that's why I wrote this. **

**Okay so I wanted to clear this stuff up; I called Chris a 'she' three times in one chapter but HE is a GUY that was my mistake. And Tris like's Zayn like a brother. She feels she needs to help him through this situation. Also when she was telling him she understood she was talking about how Tobias was abused and she wishes she could fix the past but she can't. Also at one point I said that Peter spoiled Tris' secret of being a Stiff but he didn't so just act like he never did...**

** Anyways please REVEIW it really helps. I decided to take a break from Tris' POV for now. I love you guys no matter how many times I torture you! -Sofia**

**Chapter Fourteen-**

**Alex POV-**

Six walks into the training room and the first thing I notice is that Zayn is gone. She scans the room and scowls at us.

"Did we tell you to stop?" She asks in a bone chilling voice.

Her eyes are cold and hard. She looks at us as if we killed Lena. Maybe we did, but I doubt it. She walks over to Four still scowling. She's starting to scare me. Why is she acting like this? I can't like I know Six because I don't but the look in her eyes are so cruel they make me wonder why I ever had a crush on her in the first place. Her eyes transfer me to dark, stormy places. Her eyes tell her story. Her story is cold and cruel and her story changed her.

I try and think about something else but all that comes to mind is her. I had a crush on her when she helped me down from the net. She's pretty and she's Dauntless. Mark, Chris and Ian all have crushes on her. I'm surprised about Ian because she clearly scares the crap out of him. I know she'd never date me though. For one thing I'm a Stiff. And the other reason is that everyone thinks she's dating Uriah. The way she looks at him and the way he looks at her makes it obvious.

I can't help but let my mind wander to Zayn and Lena. I hope Lena's ok. I didn't know her very long but we were friends. I can't help but worry about Zayn too. He told me he loved her. He had said that it only took one day to fall in love with her. That is real love. I could tell she at least had a crush on him. She looked at him the way Six looks at Uriah. I don't know if that's love or some other feeling. I can't say that I understand what Zayn is going through. I've never loved anyone. I'm out of my league here. I want to be a good friend for Zayn but I think he needs to go through it alone. I know he loved her. He loved her and she could leave him any second. It's possible she already did. God I wish Six would tell us what happened!

**Chapter Fourteen (Still)**

**Zayn POV-**

I let myself into Tris' apartment and lock the door. I open the fridge and pull out a carton of orange juice. I do everything in my power to stop thinking about Lena but I can't. She could be dead! She probably is dead. That is my luck. I fell in love for the first time and a day later she's as good as dead. I want to talk to someone about this but the only person I really want to talk to is Lena.

I have to start thinking about something else. I force my mind to think about Tris. I can't help but wonder how she can possibly understand. She's frigid and emotionless. I wonder what or rather who did that to her. Judging by the way she broke down in the waiting room I think someone hurt her so badly she just stopped feeling. I don't know anyone who has the power to break Tris. I'd begun to think about her as rigid and dark, but maybe that's because someone broke her. I knew she was dating Four, maybe they broke up. But I don't see Tris as the sort of girl who would completely break over a guy.

I've always been a curious person; I mean I grew up in Erudite where you could find out the answer to any question. I never thought I'd miss it there but I miss knowing anything I wanted. I guess I'm just so used to the answer being right there. I don't really miss my family though. My dad died when I was eight. My mom basically thought the answer to that problem came at the bottom of a bottle so she was no help. I have a little sister who was six when my dad died. She's 15 right now and I wish she wasn't. On one hand I want her to be here in Dauntless with me but on the other I can't help but hate having my little sister choose her whole future in one day. That sucks.

Anyways I just _really _want to know what happened to Tris. She confuses me and I hate being confused. I like knowing the whole story but I know that Tris clearly hates the side of her that I saw in the waiting room earlier. I could tell she didn't want to talk about her old faction in the hallway too. I think it's possible that she had a bad childhood or maybe whatever broke her happened there. It's also possible she was like Amity and it embarrasses her, but she snapped when I asked where she was from so I doubt she's just embarrassed.

I'm actually kind of glad Tris is so complex because it takes my mind off everything to try to pick her apart. She is flawed like everyone I know but she chooses not to bury her flaws like I do, but instead wear them on her sleeve, waiting for someone to notice them. I suppose no one ever really notice's her flaws because she is so good at acting like they aren't in plain sight. She's short, weak- looking and completely and utterly broken. I really need to know what happened to her. Like so badly. I know it'll be a horrible story but I want to know. I'll probably regret my curiosity if I ever find out what really happened. What could've happened?

My thoughts are interrupted when there's a knock on the door. I get up and hope its Tris or Alex. I open the door to see a dark haired girl with olive skin. She's wearing all black; figures. I recognize her for some reason. Then I remember who she is; she trains the Dauntless born initiates.

"Who are you and what are you doing in Tris' apartment?" She asks and I can't help myself.

"I was just robbing her." I say sarcastically and she scowls.

"Well?" She asks impatiently.

"Tris gave me her apartment. She moved out." I say and she looks confused.

"Since when?" She asks and I shrug.

"Like an hour ago. I'm one of her initiates." I say and her eyes widen.

"Why would she give one of _you _her apartment?" She asks cruelly.

"I have no clue, you may want to talk to her because I may not know her very well but something's wrong with her." I say and she tilts her head to the side in confusion.

"What do you mean?" She asks and I shrug again.

"Just trust me." I say and she nods.

I close the door and sigh. What did I just do? She told me no one understood what she was going through. Why did I just do that? I hope I didn't just screw up everything.

**Christina POV-**

He shuts the door and I allow myself to panic now that he can't see me. What does he mean 'something's wrong with her'? What happened? Why is there an initiate in her apartment? I walk to the transfer training room to figure it out. When I get outside the door I hear yelling. This isn't good. I open the door to see Tris and Four yelling at each other. The initiates are nowhere to be seen.

"What do you mean?" He asks.

"I don't know I just think he shouldn't fight tomorrow because he's in love with Lena!" Tris yells at them.

I let the door slam behind me and Tris turns to me wide eyed. Four looks at me with a warning look that Tris isn't herself right now.

"How long were you here?" She asks shakily.

"Like ten seconds." I say and she sighs.

"Who's Lena? Why is there and initiate living in your apartment? What is going on?" I blurt out and Four shoots me a look saying I'm stupid for asking. Tris pinches the bridge her nose.

"I have to go." She says quietly and she pushes past me.

"Something's wrong with her." Four says looking down.

"That's what the initiate said. Why would he know though?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"I have no idea. She was gone with him for an hour and it was like she completely changed. All they did was take another initiate; Lena, to the infirmary." He says and I'm so confused.

"This isn't Tris. She looks like Tris but she isn't Tris. Did Lena die or something?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"No, she's alive, or at least that's what she told me. I could tell she didn't want to talk about it. I think she was crying." He says and I'm stunned.

"Ok that can't be true, Tris like grew out of crying. She _never _cries." I say and it's true.

"I don't know she just seemed, I don't know, it just seemed like, she just, I have no clue." He says trying to find the right word. Then I see a flicker in his eyes as he finds it.

"She seemed _broken_." He says and I sigh.

"We have to talk to her." I say and he looks me dead in the eye.

"I don't think that's a good idea. I think we should just let her do what she has to right now and when she's ready she'll tell us what really happened in the hospital." I nod but I don't like his response.

I just have this feeling that she'll never be the same.

I have this feeling that she won't every come back.

**So I wanted to clarify what I was thinking when I wrote this chapter because I base chapters off what band's I'm listening to during the chapter so here's my line from Hear Me by Imagine Dragons-**

_**Can Anybody Hear Me?**_

_**I've Got A Lot That's on My Mind!**_

**I believe that this is what Tris is thinking during this chapter even if it's not her POV. Yes her and Tobias were fighting in the training room when Christina walked in. Love you guys -Sofia**


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday! I was SUPER busy but I'm posting now so Yay! Okay this chapter's really short but once you've read it you'll realize why I made it this way... **

**Okay so in one recent chapter Lena was in the hospital and they called a 'Code Blue'. I realized later that not EVERYONE love's Greys Anatomy like I do so I wanted to clear up that Code Blue means your heart stopped. It's pretty simple. Anyways here's chapter five! -Sofia**

**Chapter Fifteen Tris POV-**

I storm out of the training room. They don't understand. They never will. I thought Tobias would understand but I guess he doesn't look farther then the surface like everyone else. I hurt so badly every time I see Tobias because I know that maybe if I convinced my family to believe the Erudite he might be ok right now. I know that if I would've believed I could've helped him. Just like if I believed Al's apology he'd be alive right now.

I stop when I realize I have nowhere to go. Zayn is in my old apartment and I don't want to see Tobias right now. We just had a pretty big fight and I know now he's just like the rest of them. Why look past the surface when it looks so perfect? Right? Wrong. I decide to go to see Lena for Zayn. It'll hurt too much for him to find out her condition in person.

I enter the hospital and ask the nurse where to find her. She leads me into a hallway and then she stops in front of a room with a girl in the bed. A boy sits on the foot of the bed; Zayn.

"So I'm not the only one weak willed enough to give in and find out?" I ask and Zayn looks up.

His face is blotchy and red. He was obviously crying. He fake smiles a little but it fades quickly.

"They said she's fine, she was just dehydrated." He says and I sigh with relief.

"Then what's up?" I ask and he looks me in the eye.

"You're not fine." He says and I'm confused.

What does he mean? He doesn't know me. He doesn't know what's normal and what's not. He doesn't know whether I'm fine or not.

"What do you me?" I ask and he looks down.

"I barely know you but you're acting weird. On my way to the infirmary I heard you and Four screaming at each other over how you're acting weird." I look down.

I didn't want anyone to know me and Four fought like that. We've never had a fight before. It all happened after training. He had asked me what was up and it was a downward spiral after that. He doesn't understand how guilty I feel for not helping him or forgiving Al. People were hurt because I'm so disgustingly selfish. He doesn't know how it feels to be responsible for someone else's death.

"Was it that loud?" I ask and he sighs.

"People were crowded around the door. Eventually it died down when Lena was brought into the conversation but everyone was talking about you two breaking up. No one really cared why you were fighting but more that you might be single after it was over. Something's wrong with you Tris." He says and I look down.

"Maybe it just wasn't love." I say and he looks at me weird.

"You're crazy! You would've broken up long before now if it wasn't love. It's possible you changed but it's also possible something's wrong with you medically." He says and I sigh.

"Do you really love Lena?" I ask and he looks me right in the eye.

"Without a shadow of a doubt." He says and I smile.

"That's the nicest thing to wake up to." says a groggy voice behind Zayn. Lena sits up and Zayn gets a panicked look on his face.

"Sorry," Zayn mumbles embarrassed.

"Don't apologize; that wasn't sarcasm." Lena says and Zayn smiles shyly.

"No offense and all but why is Six here?" She asks and Zayn and I laugh a little.

"It's a long story." I say and she nods.

I spot a glimpse of Tobias walking by. He's probably looking for me. Suddenly I feel a wave of guilt for fighting with him. It's not his fault I've been acting weird today.

"I'm going to go now." I say and I slip out of the room.

I walk into the lobby but I don't see him. Maybe I imagined him coming. Maybe something really _is_ wrong with me. Maybe I'm going crazy and no one knows. The room starts spinning around me and it's hard to breathe. I need to calm down. If I calm down the room will stop spinning and I'll be fine. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

My heart starts racing and I feel like someone is watching my. I feel a hand touch my shoulder and muffled speaking. Then I'm finally able to hear right.

"Are you okay Tris?" I spin around to see Tobias wearing a worried look.

"I'm fine." I say and then everything goes black.

**Please don't hate me! You'll understand fully later! Trust me this short chapter changes everything BUT in a good way. -Sofia**


	16. Chapter 16

**Okay so I was sick today and I had a lot of time to write so yeah. I left you on a cliff hanger because I thought I'd finished this chapter but I didn't. You might hate me but please don't. Okay here's the new chapter -Sofia**

**Chapter Sixteen-**

I open my eyes and see I'm in a white room. It's cold so I pull up the covers to my chin. My right arm burns when I bend it so I turn my head, sending a jolt of pain through my body like lightning. I see an I.V. in my arm and sigh. I must be in a hospital. Why would I be in a hospital? I try to think back to the last thing I remember but my head just starts to ache. I look around to see I'm lying in a white bed with black sheets. There is a night stand and two chairs against the wall right next to a door with a window on it. There is a window right above the two chairs but it, like the door, has its blinds closed. I can hear muffled talking and groan. The talking from outside grows louder and I try to sit up. As I do I feel shooting pains up my side and my head makes the room. I lift my arm and try to run my fingers through my hair but there's no hair and as I touch my bare head my vision goes black around the edges. What it going on?

I decide to focus on the talking outside that is now basically yelling. I close my eyes and focus on the voices. I can't make out any word but it sounds like a girl and a boy. Who could that be? Lynn? Tobias? Uriah? Christina? Or it's possible no one is talking and I'm just going insane. I sigh. Maybe this is all a dream.

Suddenly I'm exhausted so I rest my head on the pillow and let myself drift off.

I'm in a field. Why am I in a field? I thought I was in a hospital? Whatever. I start walking around. I lift my hand and run my fingers through my hair which is a little tangled from the warm breeze. Strange, I could've sworn I didn't have hair a second ago. I wander a little bit until I see Tobias sitting in the grass with a little girl. I recognize her as Lacey but she's wearing black clothes, not gray.

"Tris!" Tobias calls standing up. I detect a note of anger in his voice.

"Tris you promised you'd come back! But now you never will and it's your entire fault!" Lacey yells crying.

"You promised me you'd never leave me Tris! You _lied_." Tobias yells at me and I'm confused.

"What do you mean? I'm right here! Lacey I'm here now! And _you_," I say turning to Tobias "I said that a couple days after initiation and guess what? I never left! I'm right here! I never left!" I scream at him.

"No Tris, you're _gone._" He says quietly.

"What do you mean? I'm standing right in front of you right this second! I haven't left!" I scream at him. The screaming hurts my throat but I can't stop.

"You left Tris, but don't worry, I'm here for you. I am here for you." He says in a soft voice.

"You left me Tris! You were my only friend! You stood up for me and you told me that goodbye isn't always forever! You said you'd come back but you're gone!" Lacey sobs.

"What do you mean 'you left me'? I'm right here!" I yell at Tobias.

The wind picks up tossing my hair over my shoulders, knotting it. The sky darkens and lightning flashes across the sky. Dark clouds roll in and the air gets humid but no rain comes. The dark sky against the golden grass looks like something from a painting in Amity. I am sobbing along with Lacey. Tobias' words are soft but his eyes are cold.

"Tris don't worry, even if you aren't, I'm here for you." He says and I scream in anger.

"What do you mean _Four_?" I spit his name like venom, "What do you mean? You aren't here for me! What is going on? You're saying I'm the one who left you but I'm right here! And you aren't here for me though! You won't tell me what is happening!" I scream at him.

The wind picks up and it's hard to stand against it. What is going on? What does he mean? Lacey screams my name in terror.

I feel someone shaking my shoulder and I shoot up. I observe my surroundings and see I'm in the hospital room again. It was just a dream. I look around to see the heart monitor beeping extremely fast. I feel excruciating pains from my head. I put my hand on my head and my hair is gone again. I'm alone in the room beside two nurses. The first one says in a kind voice to calm down. I hear the beeping grow faster and the room starts spinning. I hear screams from outside my room but I can't move. The beeping grows faster until it's just one long beep. Then everything goes black.

I open my eyes and gasp for air. I just died. I stopped breathing. My heart stopped. And I'm alive again. The two nurses that I saw before are wearing panicked looks on their faces.

"Did I just die?" I ask and I have no clue why. I think I just want confirmation that I'm not completely crazy and I really died for a minute there.

"You coded for ten minutes, so yes. You died." The nurse says smiling a little. I start laughing and she laughs too.

"What just happened?" I ask shaking like crazy.

"Well you were screaming something about someone not being there for you and your heart right was sky rocketing. I woke you up hoping to cam you down but it just scared you more so your heart rate got so fast it overworked itself and then it stopped." She says and I laugh a little.

"It was just a dream." I say sighing with relief and she looks at me weird.

"I never left them." I say and she nods. I doubt she knows who _'them'_ actually are but I suspect she understands the idea of the dream.

"Do you know why you're here?" She asks and I shake my head. I allow myself to wince from the pain of moving my head like that.

"You passed out in the waiting room and several tests later we confirmed you had a tumor in your brain. You will need to visit an oncologist and get chemo radiation." She says and I nod.

"How long have I been out?" I ask.

"Three days. The first day we were just running tests, the second was the surgery and then today you woke up. You have many visitors, would you like me to tell them to come back when you're feeling better?"

"Um no, they can come in." I say calmly even though I was FREAKING OUT inside.

I have cancer? I've heard of it before and I know it's horrible. The Erudite are _still_ trying to find a cure for it but there have been no advances. I've also heard the treatment makes you exhausted. How will I train initiates? Will I be physically capable of sitting up in the morning? Don't even get me started on the side effects of chemo-therapy! The baldness I can deal with but the other side effects are just horrible!

"I'll go get a few." The nurse says and walks out.

I lie back down and heave a sigh. Why does my life have to suck so badly? Why must this happen now that me and Tobias are finally happy? More importantly what will I tell my parents? Or Caleb? And I can't forget about all my friends! And then a name pops into my head; Lacey. I promised to come back but I might never come back. Now my dream makes sense. Even if I live through therapy I'll never be Tris again. When they course the toxins through my blood I'll never be the same. My thoughts are interrupted when Lynn, Uriah and Marlene walk in.

"We match," Lynn jokes and I see she shaved her head fully again.

I sit up confused when I remember I'm bald. I look at my lap when I realize how weak and fragile I must look to them. Marlene smile's sympathetically smiles and I flash her a smile back but I know it must look fake.

"So what'd I miss?" I ask and Uriah laughs.

"What'd you miss? All anyone is talking about is how the Dauntless prodigy Six is in the hospital." Uriah says and I'm not sure if he's joking or not.

It's nice to know people care about me but I don't like the fact that everyone will look at me as the sick cancer girl now. Sure I'll get extra leverage but that's not enough.

"Did I miss capture the flag?" I ask and Uriah laughs a little.

"No Trissy, I would never make you miss capture the flag, it's tomorrow night if you're up to it." He says.

"Since I am currently dying I get one wish and it is for you to stop calling me 'Trissy'." I say and Uriah frowns; he didn't know. Am I the only one who knows?

"You're not dying, are you?" He asks and Marlene looks as if she's about to burst into tears. Lynn looks down but I know she's still a little worried.

"I might be." I say and Uriah sighs.

"You got me so panicked there Trissy!" He says shaking off the conversation that just happened.

"No Uriah, you should be worried. I'm probably dying." I say and he looks at me.

"Calm down, you're exaggerating. Don't jump to conclusions like that." He says and I sigh suddenly exhausted.

"No Uriah, I don't think you understand." I say in a hard voice. I didn't mean to sound like that I just did.

Uriah looks away, trying not to fight with me. He doesn't want to because I'm sick and weak-looking. If he were Tobias, he would fight back. Tobias believes in my strength enough to know that I really don't care what he'd say back.

"You're right, I don't understand." He says looking at his feet.

"We should go." Marlene says my words hurt her. She's probably thinking the worst.

"See you." I say and all three of them walk out.

My nurse walks in and smiles. She replaces my I.V. and looks at me. I can't help but sigh.

"How bad is it?" I ask and she looks away as if it'll hurt her to say what she needs to.

She's probably said it before but I suspect telling someone they're dying is a difficult task no matter how many times you've done it before. I don't really know I'm dying it's just the look in her eyes makes me suspect what she needs to say isn't good.

"You have stage four metastatic melanoma cancer. It spread to your brain, lungs and liver. I'm going to be straight forward with you because you look like a strong person; the odds aren't very good." She says and I look away.

I am going to die.

**Okay so I know I used all this medical talk and some of you guys don't understand but if you comment what you don't understand then I can EXPLAIN it otherwise your basically screwed because I love hospital shows so I know all these medical terms and all... Any ways please REVEIW, love you guys! -Sofia**


	17. Chapter 17

**Okay go ahead and kill me... I gave Tris cancer... I deserve it... But remember if you kill me you'll never find out if Tris lives or dies! Okay please review!**

**Chapter Seventeen-**

I'm going to die. God this sucks! I'm not scared of dying but more leaving everyone I've learned to love. I hate this. Screw the odds; I'm going to live. I have to live. I can't die. I may not be as resistant if I was dying some other way. I don't want to go out weak and helpless, I want to go out fighting.

"Did you tell anyone?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"Doctor/patient confidentiality, I have to tell you that you shouldn't give up though." She says and I nod, which hurts but I ignore it.

"Since I'm probably going to be here a lot I want to know your name, I like you." I say and she nods.

"I'm Addison. Don't tell anyone I told you about your condition though because that's Dr. Winston's job; she's your oncologist." Addison says and I smile.

"I promise. Can I see Four?" I ask and she nods before grabbing a clip board off the table by the foot of my bed and walking away.

I'm not sure I want anyone to know I have cancer yet. I don't want people to know I'm about to die. I want to fight but I'm not sure I don't want anyone to see me this weak. I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to leave and know that everyone I love will be fine. I don't know who I should tell if anyone. I could tell Christina but she would flip out and run around the Pit screaming about how I have cancer. I don't anyone to know, not yet anyways. But I have to tell _someone_. Tobias could handle it but it would be hard. I look at the door as Tobias walks in. He sits on the foot of me bed and looks down.

"Do you know anything about your condition?" He asks dryly.

Why is he acting so emotionless? Why won't he look at me? Does he not want to see my weak side? I look outside the window and I know why he's acting like this. I see all the initiates in the waiting room. I don't want them here. I don't like them. Zayn was a special case but I sense that has something to do with my cancer-filled brain. I can't be sure I like anyone anymore. Suddenly I burst into tears although I'm not sad or overwhelmed; I'm perfectly contempt with my crappy situation. Tobias looks at me confused and some initiates stare through the window. I can't explain why I'm crying without telling him about my cancer so I force myself to stop quickly.

"No I don't know anything yet. I'm sorry I'm a wreck right now." I say covering my face. I don't want him to think I'm weak but I don't want him to know I'm dying either.

"It's okay; you're allowed to be a wreck right now. There's a lot going on. I mean you just had brain surgery." He says and I nod. He thinks that's the worst of my problems but it's actually the least painful thing I'm going through.

"You know I give up on the bet. You win whatever." I say and he laughs. He leans in and kisses me lightly.

"I love you Tris." He says and I smile.

"I love you too."

He turns around and we both look out the window to see the shocked look on the initiates faces. Lynn is smirking and rolls her eyes.

"No PDA!" She calls from outside the room.

"It's not PDA we are in my private hospital room." I call back and Tobias laughs a little.

I look back at the initiates. Cass storms out; I think she had a crush on Tobias. I feel a slight pang of jealousy and convince myself it's the tumor talking. I am such a liar, I think. I see Zayn who's just talking to Lena and it hits me; I could tell Lena. I don't really know her so she won't get all emotional and she seems pretty trustworthy. She's the perfect person to tell, I hope. With my luck lately she'll betray me but I'm hoping she won't. It's hard to determine what's a real feeling or not because I had a brain tumor just yesterday and might have another.

"How are you feeling?" Tobias asks and I look at my hands.

"I don't know I'm not dying so I'm fine I guess." I say and I shudder as I realize what I just said

I just lied. I am dying. I hate lying to the ones I love. But he can't know I really am dying. Not yet anyways. Tobias stands up and sits back down so he's next to me on the hospital bed and I lean my head on his shoulder

"I know I'm sorry I asked." He says and I want to cry.

I want to cry until I can't cry anymore. Not because I'm about to die pretty soon. Not because no one understands what's about to happen. Not even because at some point soon I _will_ die. No I want to cry because something terrible is happening and no one can help me. No one can help me. But I don't cry because this is supposed to be the easy part. Right now is the easy part where I'm just waiting. If I can't make it through this I won't make it through chemo. If I start crying I might just give up. I might just let myself die so I don't have to fight. And I can't die.

"You should go with the initiates and have them do _something_. It's been two full days without any training and I'm not allowed out yet." I say and he sighs.

"You don't _always _have to be right." He says and I smile.

"Don't I though?" I ask and that makes him smile a bit too.

Tobias kisses my forehead before walking out. The initiates all follow him out of the hospital and I lay down. I just lied. He thinks I'll be fine. I won't be fine. I see Nurse Addison walking with a couple other doctors. They enter my room and I sit up. Addison stands next to a short curvy girl with her long blond hair pulled into a bun. There are a couple other doctors but I don't have a chance to look at them before the blond lady talks.

"I'm Dr. Winston; I was the doctor who assisted on your brain surgery. This is Dr. Andrews; he is our neurosurgeon who saved your life yesterday." Dr. Winston says motioning to a middle-aged man with black hair. I manage a small smile and gave it to him.

"I have some bad news though; we were operating on your brain to get a tumor. After many scans we found out that it started as skin cancer but spread to your brain, liver and lungs. You have stage IV metastatic melanoma; this means it started out as skin cancer yet spread very quickly. I believe your best option is to fight like hell to survive but it's all up to you. We can give you high doses of chemo or you can have more surgeries like the one you had yesterday." Dr. Winston says and I nod.

They go on and on about treatment options and the risks and benefits of each one. They're all the same though; if I don't have treatment I'll die, but if I do have treatment I might live another year or two in extreme pain and agony. I never wanted to go out weak and broken but a voice inside my head sings that I'll fight the odds and live. I've made my mind and I don't want anyone to know until it's obvious I'm sick. God why me? Why did this happen to me? What did I do? Well you left your family…., I push that thought aside. I'll deal with them later.

After tons of agreements and signatures I was finally free. Well I had to wait for Tobias to sign my discharge form but still it felt good to leave this death trap even if I'd be back there in a week to have my 'port' surgically put in. The point of the port is that you put the chemo into it and it pumps it through your veins in hopes that it'll kill the cancer before it kills you. I don't know what my excuse will be for being there so long or why there will be a huge lump next to my collar bone but I'll figure it out. Maybe I can just now expose my collar bone anymore and wear crop-tops over my tank tops to cover it. But the main problem is me sneaking to the hospital all the time. Suddenly I feel sick to my stomach; am I really choosing what way I will lie to everyone I love?

I push all that out of my mind and go on to a more painful subject; my family. I know they say 'Faction before Blood' but they're my family and they have a right to know I'm about to die. I could have my mom keep it a secret for me, but there's also Lena. I don't want to make any big decisions because it could be a horrible idea and I can't blame it on the cancer because no one knows there's any cancer to begin with.

Tobias leads me to our apartment and we get inside.

"Are you hungry?" He asks and I shake my head.

I feel sick to my stomach and I don't know it that's because I'm so disgustingly selfish right now or the fact that I'm sick.

"No but you can go to diner if you want, I'm too tired." I say and he nods.

"I'll be back in a little bit." He says and he's gone.

I lie down on my bed and sigh. I hate this. I'm not sure if it'll hurt worse to tell them everything now or later. I've decided that Lena is out because she's just an initiate and probably not strong enough to handle this. My mom's out too because she is easy to break and she can't turn to anyone for help because that'd be selfish and she's Abnegation. I run through names in my head and stop when the name Susan pops into my head. We weren't very close so she won't be emotional and she's Abnegation which means she'll help me. I think Susan is perfect but then again I thought Lena and my mom were perfect so I don't know.

I close my eyes and decide to sleep because I'm exhausted.

**Okay hope you liked it! PLEASE REVEIW! -Sofia**


	18. Chapter 18

**Okay sorry I didn't post yesterday but on Thursdays dance starts right after school and ends at nine thirty at night so I don't have time to post a chapter usually. **

**Anyways one of you guys said you didn't understand so I tried my best to explain during this chapter and now... Tris has metastatic melanoma which is when you started with skin cancer and it spread to her lungs, liver and brain. Tris had a brain tumor and that caused her to not be able to tell what she really was thinking. You see the tumor was in her brain so she can't be sure what is just the tumor talking or her own thoughts. I think I went into more of a depth on her condition in this chapter, I'm not sure because I pre-type all these chapters on word so I'm not sure exactly if it was this chapter.**

**Anyways I hope this helps you out a bit; I don't really no how to explain it because I don't know common medical knowledge. My moms a doctor and I love to watch the hospital show Greys Anatomy so I know A LOT about surgery and all... Anyways if you have anymore question ask them in the reviews.**

**Chapter Eighteen-**

I wake up and roll over to see I'm alone in our apartment. I look at the clock and see it's two in the afternoon. Shoot! Did I really sleep that long? I shoot up and fall back down quickly. I try to stand up again and my head pounds. I haven't looked in the mirror yet so I go into the bathroom and look at my reflection. I see a girl in the mirror who looks exhausted, her head is bad and there are dark blue stitches on the side of her head. That can't be me; but it is. I shower with a shower cap because I'm not allowed to get the stitches wet or they could fall out. I put on a black tank top, black jeans and brown combat boots. I put on a black beanie and pour myself a cup of coffee. Next to the coffee pit is a note.

_VI,_

_I went to go train the initiates; stay home._

_I can manage them today, plus you don't want to be tired for the capture the flag game tonight._

_Again; STAY HOME._

_-IV_

I smirk at the fact he thinks I'll actually listen. Maybe he knows I won't but then why would her right the note? In hope I'd listen to him? I put the note down and drink my coffee before walking to the training room. When I walk in I see the initiates at the punching bags. When they see me they all stop and stare. Tobias shoots me a look and I smirk.

"Why aren't you working?" I ask and slowly they turn back to the punching bags. I can feel Cass's eyes still watching me though.

"I thought I said to stay home." Tobias says half joking half mad.

"Since when did I listen to you?" I ask and he laughs a little.

"Never, you never listen to me." He says and I smile.

I fold my arms and scan the initiates. I stop when I realize how much it hurts my head. It's just going to get worse, I think and sigh. I have to tell someone. It's been 24 hours and I'm dying to let it out. I smirk when I realize what I just thought. Susan still seems like an obvious choice so maybe I can see her tomorrow. But should I risk getting seen by my family in the Abnegation sector? It's obvious that something horrible is happening to me so if they saw me I'd feel obligated to explain. What if I bump into Lacey? What will I tell them? 'Sorry Lacey I'm dying so you'll never see me again, but have a nice day'? Or what if I see Marcus? He'd be so glad I'm dying that he'd tell everyone and throw a party. If I go to the Abnegation sector someone could catch me and I could get in trouble with Max for leaving my faction. There are some many risks in this situation but I'm dying so I'll take them all. I know dying doesn't give you a reason to be reckless; in fact it gives you a reason to play it safe but I don't care. I'm going to die sooner or later.

It takes me a minute to realize how morbid I'm being. I can't help but smile at the fact that I am expecting the worse. I made it very clear yesterday that I'm going to live so why am I saying I'm dying? I mean I _am_ dying but I can't actually _die_. I am a complete and utter moron. How can I be dying if I won't die? I probably have another freaking tumor, I think and that wipes the grin off my face. It makes sense because I am confusing myself but I have no way of knowing without going to the hospital which I don't want to do. I'm afraid if I go there I'll never come back.

Pretty soon training is over and it's time for dinner. I just get a piece of cake and a bottle of water before sitting in between Uriah and Lynn. Christina slides in the seat across from me and smirks when she sees my plate.

"What?" I ask but then I remember; she knows nothing.

On the long list of side-effects from chemo, one of them says that everything will taste bad and you will have mouth sores. If everything tastes bad I won't be able to eat Dauntless cake. She will never understand why that's all I'm eating without saying I have cancer. I look at Christina's plate which has a salad on it.

"You're just eating cake," She says and I nod and look at her weird.

"I for one believe Trissy has the best meal at the whole table." Uriah proclaims and I laugh.

"Thank you Uriah." I say and he grins.

I feel kind of bad because as I look at all my friends I wish they were Tobias. All I want to do is talk to him about my cancer but I can't put that burden on anyone just yet. I spot Tobias sitting at the table across from us but he doesn't see me. I just pick at my cake; I'm not really hungry but I'm going to miss the cake. I know it's pathetic to be this upset over cake and I feel myself being a lunatic but the cake is the easiest thing to worry about right now.

"After all that you're not even eating the cake?" Marlene asks. She's sitting next to Christina.

"I'm not really hungry." I answer honestly and Uriah shakes his head.

"You just wasted perfectly good cake." Uriah says with mock sadness.

"Take it if you want." I offer. Uriah grabs the plate and over enthusiastically eats the cake.

Marlene giggles but Christina stays quiet. She hasn't been as cheerful now that Will guards the fence. He couldn't come for initiation because he came back on every Dauntless holiday. I twist off the cap of the water bottle and drink the whole thing. I hadn't realized how extremely thirsty I was until I wasn't anymore.

"Gosh Tris you'd think you hadn't drunken anything in a month." Lynn remarks and I look at her.

"It's been three days since I've actually drank any water, I've been living off I.V. fluids basically." I say and Lynn accepts my reply.

After dinner I walk to my apartment and lie down on the couch. The capture the flag game is at midnight so I have five hours. I shut my eyes and slowly drift off.

**Okay please REVEIW and all. Hope you liked it if you didn't then try and write your own 'perfect' fanfic before you judge because I'm trying so hard to make this interesting. -Sofia**


	19. Chapter 19

**Okay need to post more chapters a day because I'm just now posting chapter 19 yet on word I'm on chapter 23 so I need to start posting more. Anyways I hope you like it! PLEASE REVEIW! -Sofia**

**Chapter Nineteen-**

I wake up to Tobias shaking my shoulder lightly.

"Tris, Tris we have to wake up the initiates." Tobias says and I sit up.

I kind of don't want to go but I stand up anyways. I can't miss capture the flag. I try to walk but I trip and Tobias catches me.

"How did you just fall?" He jokes and I force a laugh because he doesn't really know why.

I tripped because my stupid tumors are sucking the life right out of me. I regain my balance fully before going to brush my hair. It takes me a minute to realize I have no hair to brush and I feel a pang of disappointment. I grab my beanie off the counter and put it on.

Tobias holds out his hand and I lace my fingers with his before we leave the apartment. We walk to the transfer dorm in silence. I yank open the door to the dorms and turn on my flashlight.

"Get up and meet us at the tracks in five minutes!" I yell coldly. Some initiates stay still.

"What if we don't want to?" Whines Cass.

"Then consider yourself Factionless." Tobias says emotionless. Everyone freezes for a moment before they go back to getting dressed.

Tobias and I run to the tracks behind Uriah and Christina. We get to the tracks and I hear yelling from a distance. I turn to see all the initiates running towards us. The Dauntless born don't seem as shocked as the transfers. I see Zayn and Lena holding hands but I surprisingly don't really care. It upsets me to know that Zayn and I's friendship was most likely only caused by a brain tumor.

"Six and Peter will be the team captains." Uriah shouts once we are all on the train.

"You can choose first." Peter says cruelly.

"I want the Stiff." There are whispers as the words leave my mouth and I glance at Tobias who's grinning. Alex looks shocked and Peter just smirks at me.

"Mark,"

"Lena,"

"Ian,"

"Zayn,"

"Chris,"

"Maddie,"

"Cass,"

"Emily,"

Now we are choosing members.

"Uriah," I say and Peter looks surprised I didn't choose Four.

"Shauna,"

"Four,"

"Lynn,"

"Zeke,"

"Marlene,"

We choose the Dauntless born and then we're done. I chose all the fast one's while Peter just chose randomly.

"You can go first." Peter says coldly.

"I don't need them to win." I say and he laughs.

"Fine I was being nice since you're crippled and all but I guess not." He says and I laugh.

"Crippled? That's almost as bad as Pansycake!" I say Uriah spins around.

"Offensive!" He shouts with mock hurt.

Peter's team jumps off and I sit down. I haven't been standing long but I'm too tired to keep standing. Tobias crouches next to me.

"You okay? If you want to go back you can." He says and I shake my head.

"I can't miss capture the flag." I say and he nods and stands back up.

He stands at the open door of the car and watches as we wait for the train to get back to our destination.

Once it's time we all jump out and I turn to all the initiates.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"We could go to the Navy Pier?" Zayn suggests and I grin.

We walk towards the Navy Pier and I run to catch up with Uriah and Zeke. We make small talk until we are standing right next to the Ferris wheel. All the initiates yell at each other over whose plan is best and I smirk. I walk over to Tobias who's leaning against a plastic horse on the carousel. Zeke, Uriah and Christina all stand with him.

"What do you think you're doing?" I ask and Tobias shrugs.

"Standing," He says and I roll my eyes.

"Well you think I'm going to climb the Ferris wheel alone? If I did that last year I would've died! Do you want me to die?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"Fine let's go." He says and I grab his hand; dragging him towards the Ferris wheel.

"Must you seriously make me do this again? You know I hate heights." He says and I laugh.

"But it's fun torturing you!" I joke and he rolls his eyes.

We climb in silence until we get to place we were last year. I sit down and he crouches beside me.

"There." I say pointing to a flashing light at the park like last year.

"Wow, you'd think Peter would've known better after last year." He says and I nod.

We climb back down and I practically drag him to the rest of our team. Some people are missing but all my initiates are here.

"They're at the park." I say happily and Christina shakes her head.

"Why must you climb the Ferris wheel every year?" Christina asks joking. All the initiates stare at me wide eyed.

"It's fun!" I say and I feel Tobias smirking behind me.

"Yeah, it's fun to almost fall off the top of a Ferris wheel and die while torturing your boyfriend." Tobias whispers in my ear and I laugh a little remembering last year. It wasn't funny then but the way he put it was. Christina looks at me weird.

"What'd he say?" She asks.

"You wouldn't get it," I say and she nods suspiciously.

"Yeah only very special people know what it feels like to almost die on a Ferris wheel at three in the morning." Tobias whispers and I elbow him in the stomach and start laughing.

"Shut up!" I yell at him joking and everyone looks at us weird.

"What happened last year on the Ferris wheel?" Christina asks and I grin.

"What happens on the Ferris wheel stays on the Ferris wheel." I joke and Tobias laughs.

"Give me the flag." I say to Uriah and he looks at me weird.

"I'll take it up with me." I explain motioning to the Ferris wheel and Uriah nods and hands it to me.

"No, not again, I have my limits." Tobias says.

"Since when?" I ask.

"Why can't she go alone?" Uriah asks quirking up an eyebrow in suspicion.

"Because of an inciting incident last year in which she would've fallen to her death from the Ferris wheel if I wasn't there." He says and I grab his wrist and pull him toward the Ferris wheel.

We climb up and just sit there. Tobias looks terrified and looks down a lot but I just sit there as if I couldn't fall to my death any second.

"Have you noticed our habit of hanging out it dangerous spots?" I say thinking about when he took me to the bottom of the chasm.

"It may not be our best idea considering how clumsy you are." He jokes and I look at him in mock hurt.

"I am not clumsy!" I joke and he laughs.

I hear the puffs of air indicating that Peter's team found us and are now shooting. I look down and see Lynn and Marlene staring up at us. They probably saw our outlines but clearly Marlene caught up as she remembered last year. I grab my gun from my back and shoot at them repeatedly because they can't shoot back. Tobias catches on and starts shooting too. After a while we hear a scream of joy and I watch as Lena runs to the pier with the other teams flag in hand. We won again.

"We won!" I shout and Tobias laughs. He kisses me before he starts to climb down.

We get to the bottom of the Ferris wheel and go to celebrate with the others. This might be my last capture the flag game and we won.

**I was listening to Bad Blood by Bastille when I wrote this so I hope it was a good break from all the sadness. PLEASE take your time and REVEIW, I mean you've been wasting time to read my crappy fanfiction so please waste another few minutes and review. -Sofia**


	20. Chapter 20

**Okay I hope you enjoyed your break from all that's going on in the last chapter but I'm warning you that in this chapter A LOT happens. I do believe everything in this chapter is important to the story line but then again I thought it was a good idea to give Tris cancer so... Anyways REVEIW I love you guys! -Sofia**

**Chapter Twenty-**

I wake up and see it's two again; Tobias didn't wake me up. I stand up hesitantly because I feel unstable. It might just be because I'm going to Abnegation to see Susan or maybe I'm just tired from last night's capture the flag. I slowly make my way to the coffee pot and see a note from Tobias again

_VI,_

_Seriously don't come today, stay home. _

_We are fighting for the last time because we're behind, you're not missing much._

_STAY HOME_

_Knowing you, you won't listen but you should. You were up late with capture the flag and your doctor said to make sure you have enough rest. Do whatever you want besides come to training._

_-IV_

I throw away the note and pull a piece of paper from the drawer and a pencil and write a note for him.

_IV,_

_I went to go visit an old friend._

_I would've stayed home but she called and asked if I wanted to visit so I said yes._

_Don't worry I slept in so I'm not tired._

_Be back tonight at some point._

_-VI_

I leave the note on the counter and get ready to go visit Susan. I shower and put on a black tank top and a black crop top over. I put on my jeans and combat boots before pouring myself a cup of coffee. Once I drink my coffee and eat an apple I put on my hat and leave.

I get to the train tracks rather quickly and find myself in the field where I met Lacey. I start walking to the Abnegation sector and I realize I have no idea where Susan lives. If I'm lucky she'll live in the empty house across the street from her old home but if not it'll be awkward. If I check there I risk being seen by her parents or mine. I walk there anyways.

What will I tell her? I've decided I need to vent but then what? Do I go back to Dauntless and not tell anyone? I really need to talk but I don't think I can handle everyone in Dauntless yet. I guess I could tell them as soon as the chemo starts to really affect me. But what if Christina and all are mad I didn't tell her sooner? I hope Susan can help. I feel a pang of guilt for putting Susan in this position because she has no option to decline helping me. I'm basically dumping everything on her, hoping she won't spoil it.

All too soon I'm standing at the doorstep of what I think is Susan's home. I take a deep breath before knocking. I wait as someone comes to the door and answers. A boy who looks about eighteen answers and I look at my feet embarrassed.

"I'm sorry I must have the wrong home, could you tell me where Susan Black lives?" I ask and he smiles lightly.

"I'm Jacob, her husband." The boy says and I smile and shake his hand. He invites me in obviously looking at my tight black clothes.

"Susan, I have a Dauntless here to see you." Jacob calls and Susan rushes from the kitchen over to me.

"Beatrice! How are you?" She asks sweetly.

"Not very good, I actually came here because I need to talk to you." I say and her face drops.

"I'll go upstairs." Jacob says and he leaves.

"What is it?" Susan asks and we both sit down in her kitchen.

I explain to her about initiation and my friends. I tell her about Tobias and she immediately knows who I'm talking about and says she's happy for us. And then I tell her about my cancer and I take off my hat, revealing my bald head. A few blond pieces are starting to grow into a buzz cut but once I'm on chemo they'll be 100% gone. I tell her about how I don't want to hurt anyone and that's why I came to her because she understood.

"I think you should tell all of them. You need all the help you get Tris." She says and I nod. By now I'm crying because now that I've said it out loud I'm no longer hopeful I'll live.

"What if I die?" I ask like a child. I feel weak and I know I need to grow up but I can't

"I don't know." She says softly.

I know the Abnegation aren't fans of casual physical contact but Susan pulls me into a hug.

"I don't want to hurt anyone but I'm dying." I say and someone chooses that moment to open the front door.

I turn around to see Susan's parents and my parents walking in with wide eyes. I can tell they're trying to act calm but they heard me. My mom's eyes land on my bald head and the stitches on it and she gasps. I feel the tears streaming down faster and I stand up and push past my parents. I run. It takes me a minute to realize I forgot my hat and it doesn't take long for me to get exhausted now that I'm weak. My head pounds even with the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I stop and catch my breath. I look back and see that I am far enough away from Susan's house for them to know where I am. I start walking back to the compound.

"Tris?" An innocent voice asks from behind me. I spin around to see Lacey and her parents. Lacey looks at my bald head and her parents look at the stitches and piece together that I had surgery.

"Where's your hair?" She asks and I can't do it anymore.

"I-… I-….. I can't." I manage and I keep walking. That dream meant something. I'm leaving her.

I hear someone calling my name from behind me but I keep walking. I can't deal with Lacey AND Susan AND my parents all at once. I can't do this.

I walk back to the Dauntless compound and my head throbs. I go in through the back entrance but then I realize I have to go through the Pit without anything to cover my head. I sigh and decide to just get it over with. I walk through the Pit and everyone just stares at me. A few people don't even glance in my direction and I silently thank them. But people stare. People stare. I push past people and look at the time. Everyone should just be arriving at the dining hall for dinner. I don't have another hat and I'm starving so I just walk straight there. When I get inside everyone stares and I roll my eyes. I lock eyes with Tobias and walk out.

I wait a minute and he walks out of the dining hall to meet me.

"Are you okay?" He asks with a concerned look.

"No, I'm never going to be okay." I say and I start crying. He gives me a confused look before pulling me into a hug.

"You'll be fine." He says, his voice muffled by my hair.

"No Four," I say pulling away. He looks at me confused and suddenly I'm mad at him.

I'm mad at him because there's no one else to be mad at. I'm mad at the world. I'm mad at cancer. I'm mad at the Erudite for not making a cure. I'm mad at everyone but Tobias is the closest thing to everyone. But I don't want to hurt him. I look into his eyes and all I see is confusion. He has no idea what I'm about to say.

"I won't be okay; I won't be okay because I'm dying." I say and his eyes widen.

I take his hand and lead him to our apartment. We get inside and sit down on the couch next to each other. I explain to him that the surgery was to remove a tumor and that I have metastatic melanoma. I tell him about how I don't want anyone to know and he nods along. Once I'm finished I tell him about how I went to go see Susan and how I bumped into my parents. Then I tell him the story of how I met Lacey and how I bumped into her today. By the time I've finished dinner is long over. Tobias pulls me into a hug and I cry into his shirt.

"Tobias I'm dying." I say and he strokes my hair.

"It's okay Tris, you're strong; you'll put up a good fight and if you lose no one can blame you because tried." He says and I cry even harder.

"I'm so sorry." I say and he pulls away.

"It's not your fault Tris; you didn't choose to have cancer." He reassures me and I nod although my heart isn't in it.

"I just don't want to leave you yet." I say and he nods.

"It'll be okay, I promise." He says and I nod.

"Can we not tell anyone yet?" I ask and he nods.

"Anything you want." He says and I smile.

"I love you Tobias Eaton." I say quietly.

"I love you too Tris Prior."

I wake up to Tobias shaking my shoulder. I sit up and press the sleep from my eyes. I look at the time and see it's seven in the morning.

"We have to teach knife throwing today, come up with ranks and tomorrows your surgery." He says and I sigh.

"I can't go to training today." I say and he frowns in confusion.

"Why not?"

"I have to check into the hospital a day ahead for my surgery." I say and he nods.

I get up and change into baggy black sweat pants and a loose long-sleeved shirt that slips off one shoulder; revealing mu ravens. I pack another pair of sweat pants and a black t-shirt that cover's my collar bone for tomorrow. The only good part about having my surgery tomorrow is the fact that I'll miss visiting day which means I won't have to deal with my family's questions. I'll have Christian buy me a hat as I'm in surgery so once I'm done I can cover my head.

"You ready to go to the hospital?" Tobias asks and I nod.

We walk hand in hand through the crowded Pit. People stare but I don't care this time. We get into the hospital and I see Addison at the nurse's station on the computer.

"Miss me?" I ask and Addison looks up and smiles at me.

"Of course I did; you're my favorite patient. I broke rules for you." She says and I laugh.

"Okay I'll see you after my surgery right?" I ask Tobias who nods. I give him a quick kiss before he leaves.

"Does he know?" She asks and I nod.

"He's the only one who knows though; me dying isn't something I really want to broadcast." I say and she nods.

"Let me admit you to the hospital computer system and I'll bring you to your room." She says and I nod. What could go wrong this time?

**All right so I hope you liked it. PLEASE REVEIW, if you review I'll love you even more then I already do which is saying a lot. Okie love you guys! -Sofia**


	21. Chapter 21

**Okay so I hope you like it and all4 PLEASE REVEIW! I love you guys so much so speak up and scream at me for giving Tris cancer in reviews for all I care. I will say one thing; what Veronica did in Allegiant was pure evil. I'm not saying that I'm not evil but then again I'm not saying I am. Okay I hope you like it! Love you! -Sofia**

**Chapter Twenty-One Christina POV-**

I wake up and look at the time; its eight thirty. I am so excited! Today is visiting day and Will said he's allowed to come and visit his family and me today.

I wonder what Tris is doing? Four told me she was busy today and couldn't meet Will today. What could be more important the Will? Tris has been really distant lately and I don't know why. She's acting strange and sneaking around and I want to know why but she won't tell me. Tris also asked me to buy a hat for her but her hair is already growing back so I see no purpose. Whatever, I'm just glad she's okay. When I heard she was having brain surgery I panicked. No one would tell me why but I got over that when I heard she was finally okay.

I take a shower and dry my hair. I pull it back into a ponytail yet it still reaches past my shoulder blades. I put on mascara and eye-liner before slipping into black skinny jeans and a black tank top. I put on my boots with heels and head towards the dining hall for breakfast.

When get there I notice Tris and Four are missing. God why are they always missing? It's like now that they're dating I'm not even here. Okay that's not true, but it's been about a week since we've had a true conversation. I slip into the seat next to Marlene and she smiles.

"Do you know where Tris is? Four wouldn't tell us but I thought maybe you knew because you're Tris' best friend." Marlene asks and I look down at my blueberry muffin.

"No Tris hasn't really been talking to me lately. I don't know why though, we haven't fought or anything." I say and Marlene nods.

"I'm sorry I just was curious." Marlene says and I smile. Marlene is really nice; I like her a lot.

I eat my muffin fairly quickly because I really want to see Will. I haven't seen him in two months and I can't stand it! I wait for everyone else to finish their breakfast before I run to the Pit.

I rush into the Pit to see tons of random people from all the five factions. I hear someone call my name and I spin around to see Will looking the other direction. I decide to surprise him so I run up and hug him from behind. He spins around and kisses me and I'm basically jumping up and down from joy. Will is back! Then a thought crosses my mind; he doesn't know about Tris.

"Hey Chrissy! Where's Tris?" Will asks and I look down.

"She um, she had brain surgery the other day and lately her and Four have been sneaking around all the time. I haven't talked to her in a couple days now. Four told me she had something EXTREMELY important today but what could me more important than seeing you and her family?" I say and his face drops.

"What's wrong with her?" He asks; he'll always be a little Erudite, he can't help it.

"She won't say! Like I said her and Four have this little bubble where they know everything that's going on but don't take the time to tell anyone else." I say and he shrugs.

"So how are you?" He asks and I grin.

"Amazing! I love training the initiates! Plus for when there are no initiates around I just got a job at the hair salon!" I say and he nods.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I spin around to see an older woman about my mom's age, in Abnegation gray. Who could that be? Then it hits me; I know her she's Tris' mom!

"Mrs. Prior! It's so nice to see you again!" I say and she frowns.

"How's Tris? I saw her the other day and what she said troubled me for her sake." Mrs. Prior says and I frown.

"You'll have to ask Four; Tris has been very quiet lately. Tris told me that she wouldn't be able to see you today because she's very busy but I'm positive Four could help." I say and she looks confused.

"Why would her instructor know more then you?" She asks and I bite my lip, she doesn't know they're dating.

"Just follow me; I'll be right back Will." I say and I spot Four alone looking over the chasm.

I wonder why he never visits his family. Does he miss them? I shake that thought off and weave my way through the crowd with Tris' mom close behind. After a minute Four spots us and his eyes widen.

"Tris' mom wanted to talk about what's going on with Tris." I spit at him and he looks away.

"You can go now Christina." He says and I laugh.

"No, I want to know what's going on! Why isn't Tris here? Why did she need surgery? What is wrong with her?" I demand and he looks me dead on.

"This is above you Christina; you can go now." It isn't a suggestion but a demand. I roll my eyes and walk off. What is going on?

**Tobias POV-**

Christina storms off to Will and I direct my eyes at Mrs. Prior. I don't know what to say because she doesn't know me and Tris are dating.

"Why do you know and not her best friend?" She asks and I chew on the inside of my cheek.

I could bring her to visit Tris in the hospital but she gets her surgery tomorrow and I don't want to worry her. But Tris is better with people then me. I'm not a very nice person and it's obvious. Mrs. Prior looks at me expectantly.

"I thought curiosity was selfish." I blurt out so I can change the topic.

"Not when it comes down to my daughters health. I saw her at her friend Susan's house; she said she was dying. Then her other friend tells me her instructor knows more about my daughter then she does." She says and I look at my shoes.

Caleb hated me too. I'm not a very likable person. I'm not sure what Tris' sees in me besides the fact that I haven't ran screaming from her current situation. I'm also not very good at sympathy. I don't have the slightest clue as to how I should talk to her mom without her.

"Maybe we could meet another time; I have work." I say quickly.

"No, you are telling me right now." She demands.

"Seriously come back in two days when Tris is able to speak for herself." I say and her mom frowns.

"Why can't she now?" She demands.

"She's busy." I say.

"Busy with what?" She says and I sigh.

If Tris were here she would let me know exactly what she wants her mom to know about her current situation. She would draw a line exactly where her mom didn't need to know.

"I'm not sure." I lie and she looks me in the eye.

"Are you sure because if you're lying-," She's cut off when my phone rings.

I look at it and see it's Tris; thank god.

"Give me a second." I say and her mom scowls. She doesn't seem very pleasant.

"Hey,"

"Is my mom there? Or is it Marcus? Caleb?"

"How'd you know?"

"You're voice seems pretty strained."

"You know I find it kind of creepy you can do that." I say laughing a little.

"It may be creepy but it's very helpful, anyways which one?"

"The first one,"

"I'm coming."

"No, you can't leave. You have…., that…, _thing _tomorrow."

"So? I'm just talking to a few people calm down! I'll be back in the hospital in an hour."  
>"No don't, you can't risk them canceling."<p>

"I'm coming."

"Stay there Six, don't risk it. This is serious." I say and by now Mrs. Prior is looking at me weird.

"But you don't know what to say!"

"But you need to do that _thing_! The sooner you do it the sooner you recover."

"Shut up." She hangs up.

Shoot. She's coming. Mrs. Prior looks at me like I'm crazy and I realize how weird that conversation seems on the outside.

"Well?" She's getting impatient.

I stay silent and wait for Tris. I'm glad that she's saving me but annoyed at the fact that she left the hospital. If she leaves they might reschedule when she'll get her port. If they do that then she'll start taking chemo later then she would've which gives the cancer extra time to grow and eventually kill her. I see a girl in baggy clothing pushing past people towards me. I notice the bald head and I know its Tris. Her mom stares at Tris a minute as if she doesn't recognize her. She doesn't look like herself any more. She looks braver but weaker.

"God can you handle anything on your own?" She asks playfully once she's with in hearing range.

"I thought I told you to stay at the hospital." I say and she laughs.

"Since when did I listen to you?" She laughs a little.

"Never," I say in defeat.

"That's what I thought. Okay you can go." She says to me. And I laugh.

"I don't take orders from Stiff's." I joke.

"Take that back!" She yells but she's laughing. Meanwhile Mrs. Prior is staring at us confused.

"Never," I say and she rolls her eyes.

**Tris POV-**

I turn to my mom who looks so confused now. I don't know what to say. I don't want to tell her simply because whenever I say it out loud I realize how bad the odds are. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this but I guess I will.

"Okay can we go somewhere private?" I ask and my mom nods.

"I'm going to let you do this alone." Tobias says and suddenly I'm grateful.

"Thank you." I say and he walks away.

"We can go to my hospital room." I say leading my mom away from the Pit.

It was too loud for me there. I lead my mom into the infirmary. I wave to Addison and she smiles. I take my mom into my hospital room.

After about two hours of talking about my condition my mom leaves. I'm not sure how but I managed to cut Tobias out of every story. My mom seemed a little on edge when she left but I have no clue why. It's no body's fault that I got cancer. Well maybe you could blame Erudite for giving up on finding a cure. She was acting really weird the whole time. She was curious and demanding which are both selfish. But why? I have not the slightest clue.

**Hope you like it! -Sofia**


	22. Chapter 22

**UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! Something is wrong with this website because if you read the chapter I posted earlier it was extremely obvious that something was up. You see I copy and paste my chapters off Microsoft Word and on word this chapter is over 1000 words but when I posted it this stupid website said it was only 600 characters so I'm kind of flipped out. Thank go for my amazing best friend/editor Angela told me right away that the chapter was full of typos and after a while I was able to fix it so don't worry because it's all beter.**

**Chapter Twenty-Two Christina POV-**

I get back to Will and he looks at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy but if I am it's Tris and Four's fault for excluding me from whatever situation is going on. I look back at Four who looks panicky and embarrassed. Why is he embarrassed? Yeah I'm sure it's awkward to talk about how they're dating without Tris but that's not enough.

"Something's going on and they won't tell me! I hate this. I'm her best friend and she's cutting me out! I don't care what's going on anymore this is just rude! It's like now that she has Four she doesn't need me." I complain and Will looks at me sympathetically. I love it when he does that.

"Why don't we talk about it somewhere else?" He suggests and I nod.

I take his hand in mine and lead him to my apartment. I haven't seen him in two months and I'm glad he's here but all I can think about is Tris. She is acting really strange. Could she be jealous? But why would she be jealous? I mean Four's not a very empathetic person and Will is but that's not enough. Okay no; Tris isn't that girl. She's not like that. Although she's pissing me off.

I unlock the door and guide Will into my apartment. My apartment is smaller than Tris' because I didn't rank first. I'll be honest; for a couple days I was jealous she ranked above me but we worked it out. I was just being crazy old Christina and she was just being regular old Tris who really didn't care. As much as I hate to admit it Tris deserved to be ranked first; she was done her fear landscape in like three minutes.

"So what happened; like everything that happened. Don't leave out anything." Will says and I nod. It's kind of nice he used to be Erudite because he's really good at problem solving.

I tell him everything that happened. I tell him about training initiates. I tell him about Tris being missing from the compound for five hours and then Four just shrugging it off. I tell him about how Tris was best friends with an initiate. Then I tell him about how she flipped out when one of her initiates went unconscious randomly. I explain to him how then in the lobby of the hospital she blacked out and then she had her surgery. I tell him about capture the flag for fun. And then I realize Tris missed breakfast three days in a row and Four made it. I tell him that and even though he was Erudite he didn't understand.

"Could she be pregnant?" Will asks and I laugh.

"We call her Six but let's be honest she's probably still Seven. And if she's not I doubt she ever got over that fear but instead learned to ignore it." I say and Will laughs a little too.

"You know I've got to say the fear of intimacy isn't as weird as the fear of _moths._" Will jokes.

"Take that back right now!" I cry and he puts his hands up in surrender.

"Okay, okay I'm sorry." He says still laughing a little.

I grab a pillow of the couch and hit him in the face but I'm laughing. I know it's weird to be afraid of moths but I can't help it! Their papery wings and creepy legs; eww!

"Maybe we can talk about Tris another time; I think I know what's going on but I won't say because if I'm wrong I caused you anguish for nothing." He says and I nod.

What could be so bad?

**Tobias POV-**

I look at the time and see it's about time for dinner. I heard Will came back from the fence for visiting day, he may not be one of my friends but he's Tris' friend. Since she's not allowed to leave her hospital room I told her I'd tell him hi or whatever.

I'm not good at this. I'm not good under pressure. I mean when it comes to fighting I'm fine but when it comes down to emotional situations I'm really bad. I hate knowing Tris will probably die soon. I hate knowing I can't help. And most of all I hate the fact that she needs me to help her and I can't. I will blame myself if she doesn't make it because I'm not good enough right now.

I make my way to the Pit but Christina stops me. Great. She's going to ask a million questions and when I don't answer she'll freak out and get all mad at Tris.

"Don't go in there." Christina says motioning to the Pit.

"Why not?" I ask and she sighs.

"Tris' mom is in there." She says and I look at her weird.

"So?" I ask and she looks down.

"She told me what's wrong with Tris so you're not going in there; you're staying here and telling me where she is." She says and she starts crying.

"No, I won't tell you where Tris is. She doesn't want you to know. She doesn't want anyone to know because she doesn't want anyone's pity right now. Right now she needs to get her head together and she has to do that alone. I haven't been with her a lot lately; she needs to do this alone. It's her choice to make; whether she wants to fight or not." I say and Christina looks down.

"What if she chooses not to?" She asks and I put my hands in my pockets.

"That doesn't sound like Tris now does it?" I ask and she nods.

Christina walks into the Pit and I follow her. When I get in there I see Tris' mother talking to Will. I have to do this for Tris. I have to tell her mom so she doesn't have to. She has enough going on without her mom involved. She has to tell Caleb too but she can do that another day. I walk over to Tris' mom who's standing by the chasm. She seems so comfortable there; like she stands at the railing every day.

"I'm going to ask one more time; where is Tris?" Christina asks.

"Nowhere," I say and I walk over to Tris mom.

She looks at me with an emotionless face. She looks normal; like she didn't just find out her daughter was dying. _Faction before blood,_ I think, what a stupid rule. I mean I don't care about it because I never liked my family but I'm sure that annoying because Tris' mom wouldn't be allowed to react to her dying in any faction.

"Are you going to tell me what I want to know?" Mrs. Prior asks as soon as I'm close.

"Tris took care of that." I say and it's true; Tris told her a lot.

"No, I mean why you know more about Tris than her friend's do." She says and I look down.

I'm not embarrassed that I'm dating Tris; I'm embarrassed that I have to say it to everyone. It embarrasses me that everyone knows everything. It embarrasses me knowing that I can't keep anything to myself.

"Well we're friends." I say obviously lying. Christina starts laughing and so does Will. I glare at them but they don't seem to care.

"Okay, sorry it's just too obvious you were lying." Christina says calming down.

"I want the truth." She says simply.

"You sound like a Candor, I thought the Abnegation weren't allowed to be curious? I'm pretty sure I have nothing to do with her health either so you have no excuse." I say.

"She is my daughter!" She defends.

"Faction before blood," I say but that won't help. She looks at me a minute and I sigh; I'll have to tell her sooner or later so I might as well get it over with.

"We are sort of dating." I say quietly, I avert my eyes from hers and stare at my shoes.

"Sort of dating?" She prods.

"Okay we've been dating for a year." I say quieter.

"Okay, thank you for telling me. Tell Tris to call whenever possible." She says and with that she walks away.

I'm shocked. What just happened? She just left. What? I am so confused, she didn't even react. I mean I don't expect her to react because she's Abnegation but she made it a bigger deal then it was before so I assumed she'd react even slightly. But no, she walks away as if nothing ever happened.

Christina shrugs and walks away. It takes me a minute to shake it off and walk out of the Pit. I decide to go home but to what? An empty apartment? It'll just remind me about Tris. So now what?


	23. Chapter 23

**Okay so this chapter is REALLY long so I hope you like it ever to write it. I hope that this chapter catches you up to what everyone's thinking. I will eventually do a chapter in Caleb's POV so you know what he's thinking, you may need a dictionary to understand his Erudite-ness, just saying. PLEASE REVIEW! Okay I hope you like it! Love you guys. -Sofia**

**Chapter Twenty-Three Tris POV-**

I pry open my eyes and watch as my surroundings take shape. I'm lying in a hospital bed and I see a small table next to me with a machine on it that I recognize is a heart monitor. Next to it is a door that's basically all windows and through it a see a couple nurses talking. I look the other direction and see a white wall with a black chair leaning against it.

My chest aches and I look down to see a large bandage peeking out of my hospital gown. Then I remember why I'm here; I just had my surgery to put in my port or whatever it's called. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I have my port already. I mean now I can start fighting the cancer off and the sooner I start the less the cancer has time to grow but it's a bad thing because now I get to have toxins through my blood, hoping, praying that they'll kill the cancer before they kill me.

I hear the sliding doors open and I look over to see Addison walk in. She smiles at me and replaces my I.V. with a new one. Addison pulls the stethoscope from around her neck and presses it over the bandage sending shooting pains through my chest.

"Sorry, how are you feeling?" She asks and I'm not sure how to answer that question.

I'm exhausted and I don't even want to respond. It's not that I'm tired from effort but more the fact that it's been a busy few days. A lot has happened and I don't really want to talk about how I'm feeling because then I'd feel like I need to be honest and the truth is I feel like crap. I don't want to respond but I don't want to be rude; I guess no matter how hard I try I'll always be Abnegation.

"You don't have to answer that if you're too tired." Addison says and I'm glad she does.

"No, I just don't really know the answer to that question." I lie but she believes it.

"What's your pain 1-10?" She asks and finally I notice how badly my chest hurts from the surgery.

"Um about a 7." I say but I'm lying, the pains about an eleven but I know it's all downhill from here so I need to stay strong.

"I can get you some pain killers if you want." She offers and I smile.

"Thank you so much Addison." I say and she smiles.

"I'll be right back." She says as she exits my room.

I wonder what happened between Christina and Will. I knew he came down for visiting day but I don't know what happened. Sometimes it sucks being a curious person especially in this situation where I'm exempted from the outside world. It's killing me to know how Will is. I miss him so much, without him all that's left from our old group if me and Christina. And soon it'll be just Christina.

I push that thought out of my mind as Addison walks into my room. She's so nice, I can't even compare. She smiles at me and I manage a fake one back. I can't wait to get out of here and see Tobias. I need to get out of here. I've been here twenty-four hours and I'm sick of it. I can't stand being chained to a bed. I know that if I was in any other faction I would be forced to stay in bed until I was cured or dead. Here in Dauntless you've got to suck it up and go home. Now all I'm doing is waiting for Addison to say I'm stable enough to go home. But once I'm home then what? Tobias won't be there; he'll be with the initiates and he won't let me go and help. I could call Christina but she's working at the hair salon and then I'd have to explain why I'm not working and that would lead to telling her everything. I could see Lynn but I'm too tired to try and hide the fact that I'm tired.

"You'll be spending basically the rest of your life in this hospital starting in two days so I'm going to send you home a lot earlier then you probably should. I just need you to sign a few things and sign a form saying that you're leaving on your own free will and that I'm strongly advising you to stay." Addison says and I laugh a little.

"I'm pretty sure you're telling me to stay, but if I don't sign the paper you could lose your job and it would suck to live in a hospital without you so I'll sign the papers." I say and she smiles as she hands me a clip board and a pen.

After about an hour of paperwork and talking to Dr. Winston about y treatment I'm finally allowed to leave. I walk back to my apartment alone and get there to see the door open. Tobias wouldn't leave the door open. But then who did? I walk into my apartment to see nothing out of the ordinary. I drop the bag I brought with me to the hospital to carry clothes, onto the floor.

"Hello?" I call out but there's no response.

I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water. Why was the door open? This makes no sense. I'm probably just being crazy by expecting the worst; Tobias probably didn't realize the door was open when he left. I sit down on our bed and sigh. I'm not physically tired but I'm emotionally exhausted. I know soon I'll be physically tired so I should rest.

I lie down and pull the quilt up over my sore body. I need to sleep. I close my eyes and start to drift off a little bit.

I'm just about to completely drift off when I hear footsteps. They stop right in front of the bed right where I'm lying. The footsteps were quiet but that scares me because that means that the person who is standing before me was trying to sneak in. I could pretend to be sleeping but I need to know who is in my room.

"I know you're awake." I hear a quiet voice say.

I open my eyes to see Christina standing before me. Will is standing in the doorway of my apartment, why is he here? Why isn't he at the fence? I look back at Christina and see that her eyes are puffy and red; she's been crying. She knows.

"I swear to god I'm going to kill him." I mumble.

It had to be Tobias who told her. He told me he understood I didn't want her to know but he told her anyways. I feel anger well up inside me and Christina looks down.

"It wasn't him. Your mom told me and Will. I'm mad at you. What were you thinking, that you could _quietly _die of cancer and not make a fuss? I'm extremely pissed at you but I'm not allowed to tell you that because you're dying." Christina says in a quiet voice.

She starts sobbing and Will comes fully into my apartment fully and wraps his arms around her. She's mad at me? I'm dying! I didn't want to hurt them! And she's mad at me?

"G-G-Get o-out," I stutter and Christina pulls away from Will and looks at me weird.

"What?" She asks looking shocked and confused.

"Get out," I say more firmly this time.

They both walk out looking confused and muttering to each other. I know it was harsh to snap on them but I don't want them here. I don't want anyone to see me like this but I guess it's too late for that. Why would my mom tell them something like that? I made it pretty clear that I wanted no one to know. Why didn't Tobias stop her? Why didn't he convince them she was lying? Did he even think to try? Did it cross _any _of their minds that maybe I didn't want people to know?

I feel a tear roll down my cheek and I wipe it away fast. I don't want to cry but I need to cry because I am so tired. I don't know how I'll survive this. I'm so mad at everyone. I hate that everyone knows I'm weak and dying. The tears are streaming down faster now despite how hard I try to stop them.

I sit here like this just silently crying for what feels like twenty minutes but it was probably longer. I draw my knees to my chest and lean my head on them. I hear a light knock on the door but I'm too weak to answer. I'm sick of all this weakness and crying even if it's only been a few days.

"Are you okay?" I hear someone ask and I look up to see Tobias standing before me.

"No I'm not okay. Christina and Will stopped by." I say quietly.

"I'm sorry, I know that you didn't want anyone to know but by the time I got there your mom had told them everything." He says and I can tell he feels bad but that's not enough for me right now. I'm not sure he'll be enough for me right now.

**Christina POV-**

Will and I walk out of Tris apartment and all I feel is anger. She's dying and she didn't want us to know. She probably thought that we would pity her and _god forbid_ we try and pity her! I just don't get it! I mean she won't let anyone feel even the slightest bit of sympathy towards her!

"I was jealous." I mumble and Will looks at me.

"What? Sorry I didn't hear you." He says and I look away.

"It was nothing. I'm going to go talk to Marlene, I told her about Tris and since then she's been calling and texting me nonstop." I say.

Before walking away I kiss his cheek. I feel bad for Tris but I can't feel bad. What I just said to Will, I admitted something to myself. I admitted to myself that for even one second I was jealous of Tris. I make a turn and find myself standing right before Marlene's apartment. I knock on the door hesitantly and I hear shuffling feet from inside.

"Hey Christina, what's up?" Marlene asks and she opens the door wider so I can walk in. We both sit down on her couch.

"I was jealous of Tris," I blurt out and she looks at me confused.

"What do you mean you were jealous?" She asks and I look at my hands.

"I was jealous of how easy her life was, she didn't even have to try because Four had fallen in love with her before she could even look twice at him. They never fought; they automatically agreed on _everything_, but Will and I fight all the time. We fight over random things that don't matter but we scream and yell at each other like it's a sport. He loves her so much and Will doesn't love me yet, I was jealous of how easy her life was and then she got cancer." I say and Marlene nods.

"I'm pretty sure every girl in Dauntless is jealous of her perfect life but she has cancer now and she's dying. No one will ever be jealous of her again." Marlene says and I look at her.

"Yeah, she got cancer and she didn't even bother to tell anyone else." I say getting mad again.

Marlene seemed to ponder this in her mind and I let my mind wander to Tris. She thought it was a good idea not to tell anyone and that makes me mad because she's my best friend and she's keeping secrets from me. I mean for god's sake she didn't tell anyone but Four that she had cancer! Did she not want my pity? Did she not want to hurt me? Or did she simply have her own selfish little reason not to tell anyone?

"I think she was right not to tell anyone, I mean as soon as she told us we all looked at her differently and I think she didn't want us to do that, I think she was stalling that as long as she could." Marlene says and I'm shocked.

"I think it was selfish to do that, she didn't want us to look at her weird so she didn't tell anyone she was dying!" I say and Marlene looks down.

"It's just my opinion." She says and I nod.

"Can we go back to the jealous thing? I mean it makes me look like a terrible person but it keeps my mind off her dying." I say and she nods.

"Sure, so tell me about you and Will." Marlene says and I nod.

"Will hasn't said he loves me yet and that's okay because it's only been a year but what Tris and Four has is true love. I mean if our relationship was as perfect as theirs then he would've known he loved me as soon as we met, but I guess not everyone is as perfect as Tris. They never fight and they always know what the other one is thinking, but me and Will aren't like that; we're terrible at communicating." I say and Marlene nods. "I understand what that feels like. Want to go shopping or something?" She asks and I smile. I love to shop and everyone knows that.

"I would love that!" I say and we both get ready to leave.

**Tris POV-**

I look at his eyes and then look away, we've been fighter for about an hour now and I still don't think he's enough right now.

"Did you even consider telling them it was all a lie?" I ask.

"No, I guess I didn't." He says.

"You knew I didn't want anyone to know! Why didn't you try and lie your way out of it?" I yell and I sit up.

"I don't know I just didn't think of that." He says surprised I yelled; to be honest _I'm_ surprised I yelled.

"Maybe you should've because I made it pretty clear I wanted no one but you and Susan to know because I knew you two could handle it." I spit at him and I wish I hadn't once I see the hurt look on his face.

"Calm down Tris I just didn't think of that, I'm sorry." He says softly.

"Calm down? Calm down? I can't calm down because now everyone in Dauntless knows I'm dying because you couldn't take a minute to think." I snap at him and now I don't care about the hurt look on his face.

I can't believe that he didn't even to try to stop my mom or try and convince Christina what she said wasn't true. I hate this! I am dying and I don't want to fight with him but I can't help it right now, maybe I have a brain tumor or maybe I'm just crazy but I can't stand to look at him right now.

"I'm sorry Tris; I just didn't think you'd be this upset." He says and I look away.

"I don't want to talk to you right now because you just ruined everything! You ruined my very short future and that makes me so disappointed I don't want to see you." I say in a deadly quiet voice. I feel tears streaming down my face but I ignore them.

"Look if you want me to I'll leave for the night." He says in an emotionless voice.

I look down at my hands because I don't want to say yes even though we both know that's what I want to say. Tobias walks out of the apartment and slams the door behind him. I start to cry even harder because this was our first fight and it ended like this. He left. He just walked out. I know I basically yelled at him to leave but after an hour of screaming all I want to do is scream some more. I'm mad at him but I wish I wasn't because the only person I want to talk to is Tobias. I feel tears streaming down my face and I don't care right now I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. All I want to do right now is to fall asleep in his arms and he's gone for the night because I kicked him out. I wish I hadn't done that but I don't want to get up and find him. I'm just exhausted. I close my eyes and slowly drift off.

**Christina POV- **

We walk out of Marlene's apartment after we both changed; I was wearing sweat pants when I got here so Marlene gave me a pair of jeans and a loose crop top. We turn the hallway so we are close to Zeke's apartment. I hear talking so I lock eyes with Marlene and see she has the same idea as me; we both want to eavesdrop. We quietly inch to the wall and I peek around the corner to see Four standing in front of Zeke's apartment. Zeke opens the door and Marlene inches up closer to see them too.

"What's up man?" Zeke asks.

"Can I stay here tonight?" Four asks and I'm shocked.

Why would he need to stay there? Does he need a break from Tris and her cancer eyes? I look back and lock eyes with Marlene; it seems as if we're the same person because she has a shocked look on her face too.

"Why?" Zeke asks obviously shocked too.

"Well Tris and I got into a fight, why else?" Four snaps and its clear that it must've been a pretty bad fight.

Wait they had a fight? The Dauntless dream couple had a fight? I mean I was surprised that they hadn't fought before but maybe they had. Maybe they had these fights all the time and no one knew but them and Zeke. But if they had why wouldn't have Tris told me?

"What?" Zeke asks and that makes it clear they hadn't had a fight like this before.

"Look we were having a fight and I couldn't let her dump me because she's dying of cancer and it's not her fault she's upset so I told I'd leave for the night so can I stay here or not?" He asks and Zeke lets him in and then the door shuts.

I spin around and see a wide eyed Marlene staring at me in shock. What just happened? Does everyone know now? Shoot of course everyone knows because I can't keep a secret to save my life. I can't believe they fought so bad he had to leave.

"What just happened?" Marlene asks and I shake my head.

"Did they just have a fight?" I ask Marlene but I know she won't answer because it's a rhetorical question.

"Oh my god!" Marlene shrieks and I nod.

"I can't believe I was ever jealous, they just had a fight that ended in him walking out on his dying girlfriend; it must've been pretty bad. Tris can't be okay but what would we say if went over there? I've never had a fight that ended like that." I say and she nods.

"Yeah, let's just act like that never happened." She says and I nod quickly. We keep walking like that never happened.

**Tris POV-**

I want to see Tobias so badly. I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be fine even if we both nothing will be fine. I would go get him but I don't know where he is. I wish I knew where he was because I feel so bad I kicked him out when it wasn't his fault at all. I wish I knew before that I'd miss him so much and then I wouldn't have made him leave.

I decide to go to the dining hall and eat because I am starving, literally. I haven't eaten in about three days because of my stupid surgery. As I cross the Pit I notice people staring at me but I ignore them and walk into the dining hall. I grab some food and plop down next to Uriah. As I do this I notice him and other people staring, since I walked in it's been silent.

"Hey, um sorry I didn't tell you myself." I say quietly and Uriah nods.

"It's cool, I get why you didn't want anyone to know; me and Marlene were talking about it this morning at breakfast. We both agree with the fact that your mom was wrong to tell everyone, now Christina on the other hand we really pissed." He says and I nod.

"She already came over and yelled at me so I kicked her out." I say and he smiles.

"You kicked Christina out of your apartment? God you just ruined my morning, she's going to bother me and Marlene about it all breakfast." He says and I laugh.

"Sucks to be you," I say and Uriah glares at me.

"Says the girl dying of cancer," he retorts and the rooms silent. I go numb; too soon.

"Shut up," I say back and he grins.

"Why _Trissy?_" He asks and I groan.

"As my last dying wish I beg for you to stop calling me that." I say and he shakes his head.

"Whatever," He says clearly disappointed by the fact that I'm right. I am dying so I deserve to choose my name.

Dinner goes by pretty quickly, Uriah and I just talk the whole time and it was nice to have a break from all that's going on. I walk back to my apartment alone and quickly shut the door behind me. I look around to see that I'm alone; Tobias didn't come back. I don't why I expected him to I mean I didn't really give him the option but I wish he didn't always listen to me. It's nice that he still trusts my judgment even after I just had surgery but a little part of me wishes he wouldn't because then we wouldn't be here right now, if he didn't listen to me then I wouldn't be standing alone in our apartment tonight; he'd be right next to me.

I lie down on my bed and heave a sigh, I'm exhausted but I don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep in this eerie silence that reminds me I'm alone tonight. I lie there for about an hour trying to sleep without success. I try to keep my eyes shut but after a minute or so I realize I'm staring at the ceiling. I let my mind wander but there's nothing to think about because I've spent every other minute stressing about everything on my mind. For the first time in a week my mind is completely empty and with that in mind I drift off easily.

**PLEASE REVIEW! Love you guys so much! -Sofia**


	24. Chapter 24

**Okay sorry I didn't post this chapter til now and all but I actually was being social FOR ONCE. So yeah PLEASE REVIEW and all. Love you! -Sofia**

**Chapter Twenty-Four Tris POV-**

I open my eyes and yawn; it takes me a minute to realize what woke me up. I hear someone knocking on the door and sigh; I'm going to have to answer it and that will require getting up. _Or _I could pretend I'm still asleep; I would go with option two but this is my last day before they pump toxins through my veins so I should do something besides sleep. But then again it would be a good idea to rest while I still can. I get up despite how much I don't want to, and walk to the door.

I wait a second to examine what I look like. I'm wearing sweat pants that are like three sizes too big and a loose long shirt that's so big it slides off my shoulder and reveals my ravens, in other words I look how I feel; tired. I open the door to see Tobias standing before me.

"Tris I'm sor-," I cut him off by wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him. After a little I pull away and look at his face, he seems a little shocked that I didn't yell at him.

"You really shouldn't listen to me anymore; I have a cancer invading my brain. I'm surprised no one's claimed me temporarily insane yet." I say and the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile.

"Maybe it's because you're always insane." He says and I gasp in mock offense.

"I am not always crazy!" I say and he laughs a little.

"Yes you are, don't even try to hide it." He says and I smile.

I let him into our apartment fully now and he walks straight to the fridge. He grabs a bottle of water and sits down on the couch. I grab myself a bottle of water and sit across from him. I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on them.

"So what should we do today?" I ask and he looks confused.

"Why do we have to do something?" He asks.

"Tomorrow at this time I'll be full of chemo and that'll make me tired and exhausted and possibly crazy." I explain and he nods.

"Well I think you should sleep all day so you know you won't be too tired." He says.

"I thought that too but then again this might be my last do I'm normal." I say and he looks away.

I know by saying that I was inferring that I wouldn't live through this. Everyone may know inside that I won't live but I think it's better to pretend that I'm not and act like I'm going to be fine. I know it hurts everyone around me when I infer I'll die soon. The last time I had to filter what I said was when I lived in Abnegation so I'm used to just saying whatever I want but now I'll have to make sure I check what I'm saying so I don't say anything about dying.

"You can do something fun when your cancer free." He says coldly and I look away.

I might not ever be cancer free though. I want to say that but I don't want to hurt him any more then I already have so I keep my mouth shut. After a moment I stand up and go to lie down.

"Wake me up when it's tomorrow." I say plainly and I close my eyes, it only takes a moment for complete and utter darkness to well up around me.

I sit up and look at my surroundings; I'm sitting alone in a small room like a closet. The walls are a dark gray and there are no doors or windows. There are no lights but the room has a dull eerie glow. I'm strapped down to a cold metal table and as far as I can tell I'm alone. I try to call out but nothing comes out. I'm trapped in here all alone.

I look down and see I'm wearing a black tank top and skinny jeans. I try to break the restraints but they're too strong. What is going on? I close my eyes for a moment and think. Who would've done this to me? I have no idea. I open my eyes and see Tobias standing before me. How did he get in here, there are no doors?

"Tris don't do this." He says calmly and I struggle to rip free from the restraints.

"Tris!" He yells and I scream in frustration.

I can't break free. I can't; I'm too weak. I have to break free though. I struggle even more. Suddenly I stop and look at Tobias; he stands motionless in front of me. His face looks concerned but otherwise he doesn't look real. I can't explain but I just have a feeling inside that it isn't him. Then a word passes my mind; simulation. This is probably a simulation. The point of the restraints is to make me to feel weak and without Tobias standing before me I might not have fought against the restraints.

"This is a simulation isn't it?" I ask, not to Tobias but to whoever's watching me suffer.

"No, it isn't." Tobias says and I'm shocked.

If it's not a simulation then what is this? Is this really happening? I have to remember what happened before this. I remember him kissing me in the Pit, but then what? I don't know. It seems as if this is all a dream because this makes no sense and usually only dreams make this little sense, like the one with Lacey and Tobias yelling at me. Lacey. Now I remember. A little part of me wishes I didn't because for those few minutes I was lying here I didn't know I was about to die. Now I do.

Suddenly the room fades away and I'm no longer in the strange room but instead in the training room. I look around to see all the initiates staring at me. Tobias folds his arms and sighs.

"Tris? Hello? I asked if you could demonstrate the proper way to throw a knife." Tobias asks coldly.

I try and respond but when I open my mouth to speak nothing comes out. I try again and again and again, no sound. The room starts to spin and I don't know what's going on. The training room fades away and I watch as it changes into the field by the train tracks. I rub my eyes to see if I'm imagining things but as I open them I see I'm still at the train tracks but this time Christina and Will stand before me.

Christina smiles a grim smile and steps towards me. I step backwards and she tilts her head to the side. Will wears and ear to ear smile that looks a little scary. I frown at them but their faces don't change. What?

"Tris, you're dead." Christina says and I'm shocked.

How could I be dead? If I was dead then I probably wouldn't be by the Dauntless compound. Christina steps closer to me and I step back again.

"No I'm not," I say and Christina's smile grows.

"Shut up Tris!" She shrieks and her face contorts with anger.

Christina and Will start to spin around me and the scene fades away. I groan, why must this keep happening? Finally the room stabilizes and I see I'm in my apartment. I turn around and see Tobias standing in the doorway. He shuts the door and walks towards me carefully, as if I might pounce on him.

"What's going on?" I ask shakily and he smiles lightly.

"Tris calm down, it's okay." He says and I scream in anger.

"Cam down? Calm down? For god's sake what is going on?" I shout.

I shoot up and gasp for air. It takes me a moment to take in my surroundings. I'm sitting on my bed alone, it's still dark out so it must be late. I catch my breath and wipe the sweat from my forehead; it was all a dream. I swing my legs off the bed and stand up. I make my way to the fridge, shaking like crazy. I open it and grab a water bottle and finally the shaking is under control. I open the bottle and drink it all in one sip; I didn't realize how thirsty I was until I wasn't.

Now that I've calmed I let myself address the fact that Tobias is missing. Where could he be? I look at the clock and see it's already six in the morning which means Tobias is probably in the training room writing down the ranks alone. I kind of wish he'd woken me up because I really want to help with the ranks.

I grab the hat Tobias bought me after my surgery and put it on before walking towards the training room. The Pit is full of half-asleep Dauntless moping around. I get close to the training room and I find myself smiling, for some unknown reason I'm actually happy to wake up earlier. I open the door and see Christina pacing back and forth, Uriah eating a muffin and Tobias sitting down with the chalk board in his lap. I stand in the door way and wait for them to notice me. Uriah looks up and smiles as his eyes land on me.

"Hey Trissy!" He says and I roll my eyes but I'm smiling. Christina stops pacing and stares at me and Tobias just continue writing on the chalk board after he sees me. I don't know what his problems is, I mean it's possible he's upset about me kicking him out or maybe he's still annoyed about me saying I was going to die.

"Caleb came by," Tobias says without looking up and I freeze.

"What?" I screech and he looks up and I see he's wearing a huge grin on his face.

"I told him to get his ass back to Erudite. Oh and your welcome." He says and I roll my eyes.

"Why must you make everything so difficult?" I ask but we both know I'm joking. Obviously Christina doesn't know I'm kidding because she wears a panicked look on her face. Tobias puts the chalk board on the ground next to him and stands up.

"Shut up you know you love me." He says and I roll my eyes.

"You so sure about that?" I question joking again. Christina is so oblivious because her eyes widen as soon as the words leave my mouth. Tobias grins and Uriah's eyes flick between us in complete confusion; he isn't sure whether or not we're joking.

"Positive, why don't you help me with the ranks." He suggests and I nod.

I make my way towards him and sit down at his feet, he sits down next to me and hands me the chalk board. So far he has nothing but the numbers written down while Uriah is just writing down the last name.

"I think Lena should be ranked first because she's amazing." I say and Uriah shoots me a weird look.

"Uh try Zayn," Uriah says and I roll my eyes.

"I think you shouldn't be in charge of this because your cancer is clouding your judgment, I'm with Uriah." Tobias jokes and Christina cringes at the word 'cancer' but I ignore her.  
>"Whatever but if he's first then Lena's second." I say and Uriah shrugs.<p>

"Fair enough," Uriah says in surrender.

Once we finish the rankings I look at the list, I think it looks pretty accurate. After this stage we had to cut one initiates and it wasn't that hard to choose.

ZaynLenaAlexChrisMarkAndrewMaddieIanCassEmilyKatelyn

"Hey we're going to breakfast, you coming?" Uriah asks and I shake my head.

"No I want to stay here for now." I say and with that he and Christina leave.

The whole hour we were together I never said a word to Christina. Uriah and Christina just hung out the whole time because they were already done the ranks by the time I got there. Tobias stands up and holds his hand out to help me up.

"So what really happened with Caleb?" I ask and he sighs, it must've gone pretty bad.

"Well he came into the Pit and asked around for '_Beatrice'_ until he ran into me. He asked me if I'd hurt you and I told him to leave and that if you wanted to see him you'd have called him by now. Then he left and I went home where you were still asleep." He explains and I smile.

"You know I'm surprised he actually listened to you." I confess and he shrugs.

"I assumed he'd ask a million questions since he's Erudite, I think his response was really strange." He says and I frown.

"What was the last thing he said to you?" I ask.

"He said, "Beatrice is veiling the truth from her companions and I will find out what she is suppressing sooner or later.'" He says and I laugh.

"God he sounds like a pretentious Erudite." I say and Tobias laughs too.

"Well he chose Erudite for a reason Tris." He says as the training room door opens and the initiates pour in

It's obvious a few of them heard what we were saying. Cass just scowls as soon as she sees me and I roll my eyes. She's jealous of the girl dying of cancer; that's just sad.

"He may be and Erudite snob but he is my brother and I want to know exactly what he knows, maybe he talked to my mom but I don't know." I say and he nods.

"You could call him you know." He suggests and I roll my eyes.

"You know how badly it went last time I talked to him; anyways we can talk about it later." I say and I turn to the initiates.

"Today you will see your ranks; one of you will be cut." I say coldly and they all stiffen.

As I put up the ranks I hear a shriek come from the back of the group; Katelyn. Katelyn wasn't very strong and according to Tobias she was horrible at knife throwing so she was the one we cut. It seemed like an easy choice but now I realize I just destroyed her whole future.

Zeke, Lena and Alex are all shocked that they were ranked highest. Mark and Ian act as if they were ranked first even though they had lower ranks and Maddie just stares in shock. Emily groans once she sees she would've been cut if Katelyn hadn't. I believe that Emily was the one who deserved to be cut but Uriah backed up Tobias that Katelyn deserved to be cut which now makes me suspicious as to why he knew more about my initiates then me.

"You have the rest of the day off, be ready for stage two tomorrow." I dismiss them and they leave.


	25. Chapter 25

**Okay go ahead, hate me, I haven't posted a chapter in a while but in my defense I've been trying to make every chapter 4000 words. I've also been having writers block so try not to hate me. Okay I hope you like it. Love you guys 4 44 -Sofia**

** Chapter Twenty-Five Caleb POV-**

I open my eyes and look at the clock to see its eight forty three in the morning. Yesterday afternoon I went to the Dauntless compound in search for Tris but instead I ran into her romantic companion. I am not fond of him considering his violent back round and that fact that he's two years older than my baby sister. I am also not very fond of her choice to join those erratic, tattooed, Dauntless. I can't believe _my_ baby sister chose Dauntless and then got tattoos, god what happened to her in that underground death trap?

I believe it was very illogical to build a compound underground because the ceiling could collapse in on them any minute and also there is a possibility of a sink hole destroying everything. The Dauntless aren't very good at accessing situations, I mean they travel back and forth by jumping on and off moving trains! Seriously what if my baby sister jumps off a train and breaks her ankle or something?

Anyways Tobias yelled at me to leave and I was stunned he would yell at someone who had the influence to make Tris dump him. Well actually I don't have that much of an influence but mom and dad do and they trust me enough to go along with what I say is best for Tris. My estimate is that he is hurting her physically so she stays with him, just like his dad did. I don't trust him at all especially since he threatened to physically force me out of his current faction. Tris and he must be hiding something and because of his appalling childhood I estimate he is hurting her and forcing her not to tell anyone. Tonight I will surprise her at their apartment and force her to come and stay at Erudite with me for the night so she doesn't get hurt any more then she already has.

My plan has some flaws though; like what if he beats me up? It's palpable he's stronger than me; he is clearly in shape so he could knock me out easily. It is also possible he moved apartments so I wouldn't know where they were. There is also the possibility that she won't come with me no matter how many times I offer it and if I physically push her towards Erudite I could hurt her even more and that would be a bad idea.

I have no idea what I really should do in this situation. I love my little sister and if someone is causing her anguish I feel it is my job to help her out of that position. She is too proud to let me do it now that she is Dauntless but I will make her listen, she is my sister and I am her brother. I can only hope she'll be forthright and tell me precisely what has happened recently.

I get up and cut an apple for breakfast. I know it isn't a very fortifying breakfast and breakfast is very important but I don't really have an abundant appetite this morning after thinking about Tris and her unfortunate life so far in Dauntless. After breakfast I rush down the stairs to meet up with some friends of mine.

I have three new friends here in Erudite; we spend all day talking about random topics. Yesterday we argued for hours over whether a water filtration manual had a grammar mistake or not. My first friend here was Zander, he transferred from Dauntless. We met during initiation when I overheard him talking about the idiocy of an underground compound. I told him I totally agreed with him and how my baby sister joined those fools. We ended having a very in-depth conversation about the idiotic tendencies of the Dauntless. Zander is a very perplexing person, sometimes he sounds like he belongs in Dauntless and other times he sounds like he belongs in Erudite. I mean you can't blame him, he's been living in Dauntless for sixteen years, I sometimes sound Abnegation too so it's not his fault. Zander is a really nice guy all in all.

Then there's Cater. Carter transferred from Candor and it's extremely obvious why he left them; he is a genius. I was shocked he didn't speak his mind and then when he had the highest IQ scores I completely understood his transfer. During initiation he never talked, in class he never raised his hand or offered an answer, everyone thought he was just stupid and quiet and didn't belong in this faction but as soon as the test results came in we were all stunned by his score. Jeanine Matthews requested him as her assistant but he turned it down, he said he'd rather help out sports medicine then simulation serums. I for one enjoy bouncing around each subject every week so about three weeks after initiation we became friends over sports medicine.

Lastly there's Adrianna, she's Erudite born. Adrianna is dating Zander but they aren't as close as Cater and his girlfriend Willow. Anyways Adrianna is really sweet and is a veterinarian. She got a higher IQ score than me and Zander. Zander introduced me to her and all three of us are very close now. Adrianna has long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, every boy in Erudite likes her and I can see why. She is flawless, her hair is pin straight and she walks around in skinny jeans while saving animals lives. Despite her beauty she's actually very sweet and smart.

I spot Adrianna sitting next to Carter across the library and walk towards her. I feel someone tap my shoulder and I turn around to see Zander standing behind me, wearing black.

"Why are you wearing black?" I ask.

Why is he wearing black? He's Erudite not Dauntless, where did he even find the black clothes?

"Well you told me yesterday you planned on sneaking into Dauntless and seeing your sister against rules so you'll need black clothes." He says and I look at him weird.

"Why do I need to wear black though? I've snuck into the compound in blue before." I say and he sighs.

"Well thanks for telling me beforehand!" He says and I roll my eyes.

"Just go change," I say and he walks off.

I turn back to the library and see that a crowd has formed around the front desk. The room is quiet. My curiosity gets the best of me and I rush towards the front desk.

"I said I'd like to see him! He's my brother for god's sake I came here during initiation to see him!" A female voice shouts.

I work my way through the crowd that's formed and see a tall and overly skinny dauntless girl standing in front of the desk. She has a hand gun in her belt and her hair is basically gone besides for the golden buzz cut, there are blue stitches on the side of her head. She's wearing a black crop top that exposes her overly skinny stomach, she looks like she hasn't eaten in weeks, all that's there is muscle. Her black skinny jeans show she's just muscle twisted around bone, I wouldn't have recognized if not her unmistakable grey/blue eyes. It's my sister.

"I'm not allowed to give you that information; you are a Dauntless with a gun, who knows what you'll do to him." The man at the desk says without looking up from his computer screen.

Tris pulls the gun out of her holster and everyone gasps, she outs her hand on the trigger but to my surprise she opens the bullet chamber and dumps all the bullets on the floor. Everyone is staring. Zander shoots me a questioning look as if asking if that's Tris and I nod back at him. Adrianna looks at Tris in a slight bit of jealousy; no matter how beautiful Adrianna is, Tris is making her look ugly and weak. Tris is stunning compared to Adrianna and all the boys are staring. I don't like it how the boys are looking at my little sister; I have to speak up.

"Tris?" I say quietly but not quiet enough because Tris spins around. To my surprise she smiles lightly when she sees me.

"Caleb?" She asks, her smile growing. She runs towards me and wraps her arms around me.

"Um I thought you were mad at me?" I ask and she pulls back.

"I understand now that you just wanted to keep me safe and I can't stay mad at you forever I mean you're my brother." She says and I smile.

I feel everyone staring at us and I guess I understand why because they don't know we're siblings so they think she's my girlfriend or something. They're probably shocked I'm 'dating' a Dauntless girl like Tris and I find this a little humorous considering she has a boyfriend, I have a girlfriend, and she's my baby sister.

"Here let's go to my apartment." I suggest and she nods.

As we walk away I feel everyone's eyes on us and I just know Zander is smirking because he knows Tris and I are siblings. We walk up a couple flights of stairs before we're on my floor. We walk into my apartment and I lock the door behind me.

"Okay so I have something really big and horrible to tell you." She blurts out.

Oh god, I was right, he's hitting her. I don't see any bruises but she could be wearing make-up or she might've left him a while ago. The second option explains why he flipped out on me; because he wants revenge for her leaving him. My poor little sister was abused!

"What did he do to you?" I ask and she frowns.

"He committed a terrible crime; he loves me." She says rolling her eyes.

"Wha-," Tris cuts me off.

"I'm dying of cancer you moron," She says smirking and I'm flabbergasted.

My baby sister is dying of cancer. I've heard of cancer and I know that it's such a horrible disease that the Erudite doctors still haven't made a single advancement towards the cure. Tris is going to die.

"Tris," I say and she glares at me.

"I'm dying of stage IV metastatic melanoma, I haven't forgiven you I just thought as my brother you had a right to know I'm dying, have a nice life." She growls and walks towards the door. I grab her wrist and she screams the name Will.

**Tris POV-**

Where am I? I see Will and he's holding my wrist in a death grip. I scream his name and suddenly I'm not in my apartment but in an unfamiliar room and instead of Will holding my wrist tightly Caleb is holding in loosely. I yank my wrist back and hold it with my other hand, it still burns. Caleb looks at me confused and I look at him back.

"Who's Will, Tris I'm Caleb." Caleb says and I rub my eyes.

"Why am I here? I thought I was with Will." I say and he shakes his head.

"Let me take you to the hospital, you're acting really weird Tris." He says and I nod.

I remember coming to the Erudite compound and going into Caleb's apartment but why did it suddenly change into my apartment? And why did Caleb turn into Will? I'm not sure. The room starts to spin around me and then everything is gone. All I see black. I'm alone.

**Caleb POV-**

Tris collapses to the floor and I scream. I hear muffled pounding on the door and remember it's locked. I try and walk to the door but my legs don't move. I cry out again when I look at Tris' limp body. The door bangs to the floor to reveal Adrianna and Zander standing before the door Zander changed into blue jeans and a navy blue hoodie, he looks down and sees Tris' body and his eyes grow wide. Adrianna shrieks and I start panting.

"I think she's dead." I manage and Zander looks at me weird.

"You killed your own sister?" He asks in shock and I burst out laughing from nerves.

"No, she just passed out randomly. She was acting weird and called me 'Will' and she knows my name so I'm not sure why. She has cancer." I say the last line awkwardly because there's no other way.

"Oh well we should probably take her to the hospital." Zander says still confused as to the situation at hand.

"You think? The girl probably has a brain tumor! Zander pick her up so we can carry her, she could be dead before we get there so hurry." Adrianna finally commands.

Zander swings an arm under her knees obediently and finally I can move so we rush toward the hospital. As we run through the hall ways people stare and I'm suddenly embarrassed, I completely comprehend how peculiar this must look to outsiders.

We get into the infirmary and a brown haired nurse rushed a gurney towards us. A nurse with a name tag that says _Addison_ on it rushes toward her and gasps. Addison is wearing black scrubs and she has a tattoo of a cancer ribbon on her bare neck which clues me that she's a Dauntless nurse and probably knows Tris.

"Why isn't she in the Dauntless compound?" The nurse Addison asks sounding panicked.

"I'm her brother, she came to visit and passed out in the Erudite compound, do you know Tris?" I ask and she nods.

"I usually work inside the Dauntless compound but I decided to take a break from that death pit and work outside the compound. Tris is my patient." Addison explains and I nod.

A doctor in yellow scrubs pushes Tris' gurney into a room with a door, more doctors behind her, and shuts the door in my face. I turn back to the lobby and go over to Adrianna and Zander. Zander puts a hand on my shoulder awkwardly, not sure how to comfort me or if I even need comforting.

"I suspected something was wrong with her once I saw her, no one is naturally skinny. I assumed she was anorexic but chemo does lower someone's appetite so I guess that's she's so skinny." Adrianna says breaking the silence.

I glare at her when I realize what she's thinking. She's jealous that Tris got more attention than her so she's putting her down to make her feel better. She's trying to suggest that my sister is so self-obsessed she's starving herself so she has a better shape. She's saying that my sister has no other way to lose weight then to starve herself.

"Shut up and hand me your phone." I say coldly and she looks at me weird before pulling her cell phone out of her back pocket.

As much as I hate Tobias I was wrong and she was right. He never abused her and if he really loves her he'd really want to know where she was right now. I dial the number and wait as it rings. I don't know his cell phone number so I called Tris' apartment number hoping he was there.

"Hello?" An unfamiliar voice asks. It's male but it's not Four.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"Zeke." The voice says. Oh god, another boy.

"God, how many guys hang out with my sister? There's you and Four AND Will AND Uriah." I say and I hear Zeke laugh.

"Four, it's for you. It's Tris' brother." Zeke calls and I hear a groan in the back round.

After some shuffling in the speaker and then Four's voice.

"What could you possibly want? Tris is out with Uriah so don't even bother asking for her." Four says and I'm shocked; she lied to her boyfriend.

"No she's not, she's in the hospital next to the Erudite compound, she went to visit me and passed out in my apartment. I may not like you but she loves you and you might love her so come here fast." I say and hang up before he has a chance to respond.

Adrianna looks at me weird and I roll my eyes. Usually she doesn't act like such a 'pretty girl' but she's jealous.

"Who was that?" She asks and I roll my eyes.

"Her boyfriend," I say and I see relief flood into her eyes.

Adrianna is relieved that Tris has a boyfriend and won't threaten her position here. I don't know why she would be jealous considering she might me dead before she can even make a move on Zander. Plus Tris obviously loves Tobias if she'd stay with him even if he might possibly become abusive. Finally I can accept the fact that they are dating because she's dying and she gets anything she wants right now.

"Doesn't seem like you like the guy." Zander says.

"I hate the guy, but she seems to like him so whatever." I say and Zander smirks.

"I used to be Dauntless, who is he? I might know him." Zander says and I shove my hands in my pockets.

"Four." I say and he looks at me in shock.

"No wonder you hate him, he isn't capable of feeling anything but hate." Zander says and suddenly I feel a little bad for him.

"It isn't his fault though," I defend and he frowns.

"Why are you defending him, I thought you hated him?" He asks and I nod.

"It's complicated," I sigh and he nods but he still wears a confused look.

**Cass POV-**

We walk out of the training room and Emily takes my wrist, dragging me towards the dorms. She closes the door and looks at me expectantly. What does she want?

"What?" I ask and she rolls her eyes.

"I would've been cut!" She shrieks at me.

"Yeah, yeah no one cares." I say and she glares at me.

"Shut up Cass, Four likes Six not you, you idiot." She yells in her annoying high-pitched voice.

"Keep telling yourself that." I say before standing up and walking out.

I have to find Four and tell him how much I love him so he doesn't stay with that bald, anorexic freak. I hate Six, she is so self-obsessed and lonely she kissed Four and what bothers me most is he kissed her back. God I can't stand that girl. I don't understand why her and that other Dauntless girl shave their heads, it's so stupid. The bald head makes her look uglier then she already is.

I walk into the Pit and see Four talking to a girl I recognize from the first day of initiation; she's the Dauntless born trainer. I think I've seen her hang out with Tris before, they might be friends.

"Look I have to go see Zeke, talk to you later." He says and she storms off.

I wonder what they were talking about, maybe Four is cheating on Six with Christina! I really hope he is, I mean some girls might recoil at the fact he might be a cheater but I'm not and excusive sort of girl, I don't care if he cheats on me as long as he likes me. I really want him to love me, I'm getting a little obsessed with him. I think that this is what it feels like to fall in love, I think this is how it's supposed to feel. I think I love Four.


	26. Chapter 26

**Oh my god I posted chapter 27 before I posted chapter 26 and I am SO SORRY for that mistake. Here's chapter 26.**

**Chapter Twenty-Six Ian POV-**

I think I love Six. Six is horrifying and cold and by the looks of it she's anorexic, but she's perfect. She scare's the crap out of me but for some reason I don't even care. I mean Six is beautiful, her eyes are a blue/gray color that drives me crazy, she is extremely skinny and she might be anorexic but it's alright with me. Her hair was so silky and smooth until she shaved it off for surgery, she still is beautiful. The clothes she wears, don't even get me started, she had three birds tattooed on her defined collar bone in which she exposes all the time. Everything she wears is skin tight and enhance her beauty, she wears crop tops every now and the and when she does I know exactly why I love her.

I only have one problem; she has a boyfriend. Four is a lot stronger than me and he's colder than she is. He would probably snap my neck in a heartbeat if I made a move on his flawless girlfriend. He doesn't seem very protective but he seems like the kind of guy who would do it with the slightest excuse. I think he should be protective because Six is the girl every guy in Dauntless wants to go out with.

I do have someone I can turn to though; Cass. Cass has a HUGE crush on Four and would do anything to break them up. Cass likes Four the same way I like Six, she might be in love with him even. I told Cass to meet me by the net to come up with a strategy and she agreed.

"So what do you have in mind?" She asks and I grin widely.

"You have no idea," I say and she grins too; we are going to rip apart their relationship.

**Tris POV-**

I open my eyes and let my surroundings sink in, I'm in a grey room with one chair and a heart monitor attached to me. My head is sore and I sigh, I've been down this road before, they removed another brain tumor and I missed my chemo yesterday when I decided to go see Caleb or Will or whoever I went to see. I'm pretty fuzzy on what happened yesterday and that could be either because my head's still fuzzy from surgery or it's because yesterday I had a brain tumor confusing the details of my surroundings.

I turn my head and wait for the headache to set in and slowly it grows worse and worse. I try and look through the blinds and I make out the face of Addison, why is Addison here? This hospital room doesn't look familiar so I thought I was outside the compound. The door to  
>my hospital room opens and Addison walks in.<p>

"Do you want the long version or the short version?" She asks and I sigh.

"The short version," I say and she nods.

"You went to visit your brother and you had a brain tumor that made you confuse your surroundings, which made you dizzy and caused you to go unconscious. We surgically removed the tumor easily and you should make a perfectly quick recovery. I was working here to have a break from the underground Dauntless compound so I was working here and that's a lucky thing because I already knew what was wrong with you." She explains.

"I thought I asked for the short version." I say and she smiles lightly.

"Well when you have cancer there is no short version." She says.

"Yeah, I guess so." I say.

"How are you feeling?" She asks pulling at the stethoscope from around her neck.

"It actually doesn't hurt," I say and she nods.

"Your brothers out there with a couple other people, do you want them to come in?" She asks and I nod.

I force myself to sit up and wipe the sleep out of my eyes, I know he's my brother and I should know he won't judge me if I look weak but then again Addison said that there were other people with him and it could be Christina or Lynn or something and I don't want to be weak in front of those who see me as strong. I sit and wait as Caleb, Tobias and a girl and a boy I don't recognize enter my hospital room. The two people I don't recognize are both in Erudite clothes; friends of Caleb probably.

"How are you feeling?" Tobias asks and I roll my eyes.

"Like someone who's dying of cancer." I say and he shoots me a look but I just smile at him synthetically.

Caleb stares at me in complete and utter shock that I made a joke out of my cancer. The blonde girl next him wears the same look but the boy next to him looks like he's about to burst out laughing; I'm sort of confused as to why an Erudite would find that funny; a Dauntless who didn't know me would, not an Erudite. He could be a transfer from Dauntless to Erudite; that would make sense.

"_Beatrice_," Caleb says in the voice he used to use when he chastised me.

"It's Tris, anyways who are they?" I ask motioning to the two Erudite standing next to him.

"Oh that's Zander and Adrianna," Caleb says pointing to them.

"Zander, you're a Dauntless transfer aren't you?" I ask and he nods but he looks confused as to how I guessed.

"How'd you know?" He asks and Tobias grins.

"Yes Tris, how do you know things like that?" Tobias asks and I roll my eyes.

"I like to observe people." I mimic what he said in the chasm the first time we kissed and he rolls his eyes but we're both smiling like idiots. Caleb's eyes flick between us in confusion, Adrianna scowls at the floor-, what's her problem?-, and Zander just wears a look of confusion as to why what I said is so funny to the two of us.

"Why is that so amusing?" Caleb finally asks and I shrug.

"It just is, anyways when am I allowed out of here? I already missed my chemo with Dr. Winston and she'll be mad if I don't get there and explain why I missed it." I explain and Tobias nods.

"I'll go talk to Addison," Tobias says before leaving the room.

"We should go….," Zander suggest and he and Adrianna leave, making it just me and Caleb.

"You have cancer?" He asks and I roll my eyes at him.

"No," I say sarcastically.

"Tris, why didn't you tell me sooner? Why did you wait until you were dying to inform me on your condition?" He asks and I glare at him.

"I didn't know I had cancer until like a week ago, gees." I say and he looks at me weird, I look away.

"You're dying and you're choosing to stay with Tobias Eaton, I have a right to get disappointed." He says and I groan.

"Go away Caleb," I say and he looks surprised.

"What?" He stutters as he says it.

"I said get out, I'm leaving pretty soon any ways so you're not missing anything but me and Tobias signing a million papers so leave." I say and he storms out.

I'm sick of him and his rants against Tobias and I, he thinks that he knows what's best for me but he has no idea what's best for me. I would like to die in peace without his yelling at me for dating Tobias.

Addison walks into my hospital room and smiles at me and that tells me I'm finally allowed to leave.

"He signed all the discharge papers; you are free to go." She says.

"I thought I had to stay here another day for observation?" I ask and she shrugs.

"I thought you were Dauntless? Suck it up," She jokes and I smile, I'm finally allowed to leave.

We get back to Dauntless around five so we make it just in time for dinner. We come in through the back door and walk through the Pit hand in hand. After dinner I'm going to have to go see Dr. Winston and get my chemo.

Together we walk into the dining room and suddenly it crosses my mind that I have no hat and people will find out I have cancer if I don't make sure Christina keeps her mouth shut about me. I'll tell her tonight while we eat.

I'm not really hunger so I just slide down in the seat next to Christina and Tobias sits down next to me; I guess he's not hungry either. Christina glances at me and looks away; I guess she's still upset. Will, who sits in across from me, smiles at me and I smile back at him.

"So I was wondering if you guys could not tell anyone about me" I say and Christina nods.

"Sure, if we can talk about it some time," Christina says.

"I'm dying of stage IV metastatic melanoma, there's nothing more to it." I say quietly and Tobias rolls his eyes.

"You are not dying," He says plainly and I laugh sarcastically.

"God can't you just accept the fact that I'm dying?" I ask coldly and Christina looks at me blankly, as does everyone else at the table.

"No because you aren't dying, you'd be dying if you weren't fighting but you are fighting, you are not dying." He shoots back.

I can tell by the weird looks on everyone's faces they think we're fighting, even though really Tobias is just being straight forward with me because he knows I can handle it. He does and says these things because he believes I'm strong and that makes me feel good.

"Whatever, I have an appointment, are you coming?" I ask him and he nods.

We both stand up and walk out of the cafeteria together, I feel eyes on us as we walk out and I roll my eyes at the floor.

"What's wrong with you?" He asks and I can hear him smirking as he says it. I keep my eyes trained on the floor as we walk.

"I'm just exhausted and I haven't been able to eat much because I'm afraid it'll come back up." I say still looking at the ground.

"Tomorrow at breakfast make sure you eat something or else you'll feel even worse." He says and I nod without looking at him.

We walk the rest of the way to the infirmary in a serene silence that I appreciate now that my life is so hectic. Once inside I immediately look for Addison, hoping she's back from the other hospital and I don't see her. I walk to the nurse's station and explain my situation and a kind nurse named Kellie takes me to the oncology floor, leaving Tobias alone in the lobby.

**Christina POV-**

I watch as Tris and Four walk out of the dining hall, once they shut the door it takes me a minute to look away. I look at Will and he shrugs. I am shocked Tris came in here and instead of apologizing she asks us not to tell anyone. She probably wanted no one to know so they didn't pity her or so people don't see her as weak. She's so selfish, I have no clue how she made it through sixteen years in Abnegation without them just kicking her out.

God I'm a bad friend. Tris is dying of cancer and she probably has a very good reason as to why she doesn't want anyone to know. I'm shuffling around scowling when I should be enjoying the time I have left with Tris just in case she doesn't make it. I need to talk to her tomorrow and apologize to Tris for being such a horrible friend and overreacting. Tris held off telling me for a few days not a few years, I made the situation bigger than it truly is, I always do that.

"So when are you going back to the fence?" I ask Will.

"Well I stayed out here longer then I should've so I'm going back out tonight, I wasn't supposed to stay this long but I said that my friend just had brain surgery and they let me stay out longer." He says and I nod.

"Well I guess this is good bye then, I'll see you in a week or so on fear landscape day?' I ask and he nods.

"Yeah everyone gets a break off from guarding the fence if they want to watch the landscapes." He explains and I smile lightly.

"I love you," I say quietly. We haven't said that yet but I've been wanting to say it for forever now.

"I love you too Christina, I'll see you soon." Will says standing up from the table.

As he walks out I rush out of the dining hall and run after him. I tap his shoulder and when he turns around and I kiss him on the lips. His arms wrap around my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck. We stay like this for a couple minutes until he finally pulls away but his arms stay protectively around my waist. I love this about Will; he's extremely protective about me, he makes sure I'm safe all the time and never says anything to hurt me.

"I'll see you soon," Will says and kisses me briefly before walking away.

I walk off towards my apartment alone and as I walk through the Pit I bump into Marlene who grins at me.

"Hey Christina! What are you doing?" She asks and I shrug.

"I was walking to my apartment, want to come and watch a movie or something with me? Will went back to the fence and I'm all alone tonight." I offer and she nods.

"Yeah, sure, that sounds fun! Can we make popcorn?" She asks and I giggle; Marlene eats; a lot. I'm kind of surprised that she eats so much and somehow manages to keep her frame so skinny, I guess she works out a lot.

"Yes, we can make popcorn," I say and she practically jumps up and down with joy.

"Want to go shopping first?" I ask and she nods and on that note we walk towards the store.

Once we're done shopping we run to my apartment and stop when we hear two people talking in the hallway, we lock eyes and creep up to see who's talking. We both love gossip and if that means listening in on other peoples private conversations we don't care because it's fun. I walk silently and look around the corner to see Tris and Four standing there; I thought she had an appointment or whatever? I guess it's over now, I mean it's been about an hour.

I look at Marlene who grins, last time we listened in on one of their conversations we found out something very interesting. I feel a little guilty for enjoying hearing the dirt on my friend's love life but I can't help it, I mean every girl in Dauntless is jealous of her perfect life and these fights are the only thing that don't make me jealous. Okay, I'm officially the worst friend to Tris ever but I can't help it; I'm jealous of everything about her, well, except her cancer.

"I thought we made agreed kissing in public areas is too risky," Tris says and I roll my eyes. I am a horrible person, I was hoping her love life was being destroyed.

"Life is about taking risks," Four says and I almost crack up because that line is was so corny.

"Oh shut up you just want to kiss me, anyways I have to get home and sleep, dying is surprisingly exhausting." She says and I am bored with this conversation.

"Stop saying that." Four says in a cold voice. I lock eyes with Marlene and she wears the same look of shock that he snapped on her.

"Oh get over it already, I'm just stating facts here." Tris insists.

"I know but you don't have to say stuff like that, you need to stop if you don't want people to know." He says.

"Okay, okay, I'll stop." She says and then I hear footsteps.

I peer around the corner and see them walking away from the hallway they were in. Marlene and I just stand there and it takes a minute to shake off the conversation we just overheard.

"Well that was interesting." Marlene says and I fake a laugh.

"That was the most boring conversation I've ever heard." I say and she nods.

"I wanted gossip, I mean I love Tris but I really wanted more gossip." She says and I nod.

"I understand what you mean, you didn't want there to be drama between them but you wanted there to be something to distract you from all that's going on lately." She says and I smile lightly.

"That's why I wanted to hang out with you tonight, I heard Lynn kissed you this morning after breakfast." I say and Marlene turns bright red.

As we walk the rest of the way to my apartment she told me the whole story. Apparently they had started dating the day before Tris had her brain surgery and planned on telling everyone once Tris was feeling better but now that we all know she might never get better they decided to go public this morning. I'm actually really glad they finally started dating, always thought they'd be a great couple and clearly I was right.

We get to my apartment and I unlock the door without even thinking, I'm so used to the motions by now that sometimes I'll be eating dinner and then all of a sudden I'm in my apartment without even acknowledging it. I toss my keys onto the counter and plop down on the queen sized bed in front of my TV. Marlene closes the door and flops onto my bed next to me. She sighs and rolls onto her back.

"So what movie?" I ask and she yawns.

"I don't care as long as it's a love story." She says and I stand up.

I grab a random disc and put it into the DVD player before flopping hard on my back, as I do the mattress teeters and Marlene is bounced up into the air. We both break into giggles and pretty soon we are full on cracking up, no longer laughing about anything really. I'm laughing because I believe there's three ways to deal with grief; screaming, crying and laughing. Crying and screaming don't sound very fun so I'm going to laugh until I can accept that my first friend here in Dauntless is dying and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

After a few minutes the laughter dies down and we both sigh loudly. The room stays silent for a while and unlike with Tris, this silence is good. I turn my head and look at Marlene who'd staring at the ceiling and trying to catch her breath, she turns her head and I see a tear roll down her cheek.

"Tris is dying." She says, her voice thick with emotion.

"Yeah," is all I manage to say, I want to stay strong because I know whatever Tris is going on is ten times worse on the inside then the outside.

We sit there staring at each other with full minds while the movie plays around us, is a silence like a wall, blocking out the words we want to but can't say because as soon as they leave our mouths we will have to acknowledge that they are true.

**Tris POV-**

I get into our apartment, Tobias close behind, and immediately lie down on the bed and close my eyes. I am extremely exhausted and my chest is sore from where they injected the chemo in the port in my chest. Tobias walks in and shuts the door, he kneels by the bed and I can feel his warm breaths next to my cheek, I turn my head to look at him.

"I have to go back to the control room, I missed my shift when I went to Erudite to get you; I'll be back later tonight." He kisses my cheek and walks out without another word.

I wish he hadn't left because I feel empty right now; that might be because I haven't eaten anything substantial in a couple days now. As I got my chemo they put in fluids so it's not like I'm starving or anything but I think Tobias is right and I need to eat something tomorrow at breakfast or I'll feel even worse.

I close my eyes and let myself drift off into a deep sleep slowly and carefully, I hear a slight tapping but before I muster enough strength to figure out what it is I'm pulled under.

I'm standing in the training room all alone, I watch as Tobias enters the room, I feel a strange urge to run towards him but as I get close to him I run into something hard and clear; thick glass. I slam my palms against it and he looks at me strange, I blink and see Lynn, Uriah, Christina and Marlene standing next to him where there was empty space just a second ago.

"I wonder how long it'll take for her to wake up." Lynn says and her voice is muffled by the glass. No, her voice is muffled by the fact that I am sleeping, I am asleep and she is awake.

I open my eyes to see Lynn, Christina, Marlene and Uriah wondering around my apartment. Uriah is tossing an apple up and down, Lynn is sitting on the counter top and Christina and Marlene are sitting on my couch together. Lynn picks at her fingernails but no one notices me being awake. To make it more obvious I sit up and clear my throat, Uriah drops his apple on the floor and Lynn hops of the counter. Marlene smiles at me and I smile back but I don't mean it.

"Why are you in my apartment?" I ask and Uriah shrugs.

"Zeke asked Four for the key and he gave it to us, Zeke left about twenty minutes ago but we waited it out. There isn't really a reason as to why we came, we just did." Uriah explains and Christina flashes me a smile.

I can't believe Tobias would give them a key and let them come in and bother me while I'm sleeping. I'm not really mad at him but more annoyed at them, I'm finally exhausted and I really want something to eat. The last couple days have been really draining on me and for god's sake I just had brain surgery yesterday after passing out in the Erudite compound, I was discharged just this afternoon. All I want to do is sleep. Maybe eat something.

"Great," I mumble "Just great. So do you plan on leaving anytime soon?" Lynn snickers.

"God Stiff we just got here, what, half an hour ago? Plus you were sleeping the whole time." Lynn says.

"Whatever I'm tired, I just had another brain surgery yesterday." I say and Lynn rolls her eyes at me.

"Suck it up, you're Dauntless right?" She asks and I groan.

I swing my legs over the side of my bed, stand up and walk over to the counter and hop up so I'm sitting on the counter where Lynn was sitting a moment ago. Lynn hops back up onto the counter next to me and Uriah grabs a bottle a water out of the fridge for himself and tosses me one. I flash him a smile without even thinking and in that moment everything bad fades away, right now all I'm doing is hanging out with friends. It's only been like two minutes but it feels nice to just relax right now.

"So what have I missed?" I ask and Marlene blushes as Christina giggles.

"Well Lynn and Marlene are a couple, I met your initiates and they are annoying and Uriah is forever alone." Christina says and I laugh.

"I am not forever alone!" Uriah shouts in mock hurt.

"You live with your brother, you have no girlfriend, you live with your brother and you use the word 'pansycake'." Lynn says.

"Yeah, I'm forever alone. Oh and by the way, everyone awesome says the word pansycake." Uriah defends.

"Uriah, give up already, it's never coming back." Lynn says and Marlene giggles.

"Tris, could you please inform Lynn I'm never talking to her again." Uriah says and I roll my eyes.

For the next two hours we just hang out and talk, it's nice to just tune out the world and surprisingly easy to just forget everything that's been happening recently. Sometimes it's nice to forget.

After a while everyone leaves and I'm left alone in my apartment. I throw away my empty water bottle and lie down on my bed. I heave a sigh and pull the quilt up to my neck. I reach to the nightstand to turn out the light when I hear the same soft knocking sound I heard before I fell asleep earlier. I look around and the door opens and Tobias slips in. I lie back down in relief, thank god, I can sleep.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" He asks and I shake my head.

"No, Uriah and all were here for two hours, they just left." I explain and he nods.

He tosses his keys onto the counter and turns the lock on the door before kicking off his shoes and lying down next to me. I roll over onto my side and look at his features. Tobias puts his hand on the side of my face and I smile lightly. We lie there like this until I'm too tired to stay awake. I take my hand and hold his wrist on my cheek.

"Good night," I say.

"Good night Tris, I love you." He says and I yawn.

"I love you too." I say and then I am engulfed into the darkness off sleep.


	27. Chapter 27

**Okay NOW you can read chapter 27.**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven Christina POV-**

I wake up in my apartment alone, as usual. I look at the clock and see it's ten in the morning, since we're doing simulations today I didn't have to go, Tris and Four are doing the simulations. I really didn't want to do the simulations because during my simulations I was terrified and I don't want to watch my initiates to go through that no matter how much I hate them.

After stage one I lost two initiates; Kaylie and Dustin. We have nine left and I hate half of them. My least favorite is Ranger; he is an amazing fighter and he hits the target almost every time with knife throwing but he is just like Peter; he's cocky and arrogant and dyed his hair blue just to look 'tough or whatever. Then there's Chase, he's okay personality wise and his fighting is okay but he reminds me of Edward and I can't look him in the eye in fear that he won't have one. Lillianna has purple hair and tattoos up and down her arms, she's a classic 'pretty girl'. She can fight fairly well and can shoot a gun pretty easily but she's a brat. Truth is I hate all my initiates but I still don't want watch as we torture them with their worst fears.

I get up and pour myself a cup of coffee. I want to talk to Tris but I know she has work. Last night was so much fun, all of just hung out and talked and for once it felt like nothing had changed. I never thought I'd never miss the way things were before, but you never know what's going to happen.

**Tris POV-**

I wake up to see Tobias kneeling before me and I yawn. I look at the time and see it's seven in the morning already, I shoot up out of bed and run to the dresser.

"Slow down, you're going to hurt yourself if you keep running around." Tobias says and I spin around.

"I'm sorry it's just training starts in fifteen minutes!" I say.

"Calm down, we have another hour until training starts since we're doing simulations today." He says and I let out a heavy breath.

"Thank god, I didn't think I'd be able to skip breakfast again." I say and he smiles.

I take a quick shower and get dressed. I put on a black beanie, black leggings and a black tank top with a crop top over it to cover up the bump just above my collar bone from the port. I slip on my black combat boots and consider putting on eyeliner but my hands won't stop shaking so I decide against it.

I walk with Tobias hand in hand to the dining hall. Once inside it feels like everything's normal again. I grab a muffin and a cup of coffee before sitting down beside Tobias. Marlene grins from across the table, I look around to see no sign of Christina or Uriah; they must've slept in since they don't have to train initiates for the next week or so. I'm not very excited about this part in initiation, I hated this part and no matter how much I dislike my initiates I don't really want to watch them face their worst fears. This is going to be a long day.

**Ian POV-**

All the initiates have been waiting in a dark room in complete silence waiting to find out what's going on behind a locked door on the other side of the room. Half of us are gone already but most of them I didn't know because they were Dauntless born. I wait anxiously hoping Six is behind the door. I hear footsteps and the door opens to reveal Six. She says my name without any emotion and I get onto my feet before walking over to the room with her.

I look at my surroundings and see a metal chair much like the one from the aptitude test room. Four sits in a chair next to a computer, a small black box and some wires. Six shoves me towards to chair and I sit down in it and let the cold from the metal seep through my newly-bought black clothing.

In no time Six is walking back over to me with the black box in her hands, she opens it and takes out a large syringe with cloudy orange liquid inside of it. I immediately tense up; I hate needles, they scare the living crap out of me. Back when I was little they would inject me with truth serum a lot to figure out when I was lying, ever since the first time they injected me I've been scared of them and what they'll make me say or do.

"What is that for?" I ask and I can hear the shakiness in my voice.

"Ever heard the fraise 'face your fears'? Well we take that literally, you'll get what I mean by that after I inject you." Six says coldly. She steps forward and plunges the sharp needle into my neck not even trying to make it less painful.

I wonder what she means by _'face your fears'. _My vision starts to get blurry and the room dips and sways. I watch as Four attaches wires to her head and I'm confused, why does she get wires? My vision smears into complete  
>blackness.<p>

**Tris POV-**

Four finishes attaching the wires to my head so I look behind me to see Ian asleep. I turn back around and watch as Four fiddles with the computer. The first time I watched the initiates' fears I thought I would be asleep too but really it just plays on the monitor.

We watch the computer patiently, I have to admit I've been pretty curious to find out what their fears on them but once they wake up I feel guilt. The initiate Christina yells at a lot with the blue hair-, I think his name in Ranger-, he's afraid of drowning this girl I've never seen before. It took him ten minutes to do it and the whole time I was wondering if it was scary because he loved the girl or if he's scared of the pain he can inflict on others.

Finally the screen lights up to reveal Ian standing in a field all alone. The sky darkens and lighting cracks across the purple, cloudy skyline. A girl with blonde hair stands before him, her hair whips in the wind and suddenly I recognize her; that girl is me. He is scared of me.

"Is that you?" Tobias says holding back laughter.

"Yeah," I say and we both laugh a little.

I look back at the monitor in time to see myself pull a gun out of the holster strapped to my belt. I cock it and Ian's eyes widen. I pull the trigger and he ducks, what a coward. I shoot again and again and again until finally he's curled in a ball in the grass. Simulation Tris shoots him in the head and he screams a blood curtailing scream. Simulation Tris shoots him over and over and over again and each time he screams like a little girl, no, that's offensive to a little girl, he make a little girl look brave.

We wait fifteen minutes for him to slow his heart rate, I didn't tell him that that was a way to get out of the simulation but I suspect he just got used to the feeling of being shot. Once he's out I expect him to curl into a ball and cry but instead he stands up and straitens his shirt out. He looks me dead in the eye, "I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid of dying."

For a moment after he says it I just stand there in confusion, if he's not scared of me then why was I in his fear simulation? I stare at him expectantly and he just shrugs before leaving the room and slamming the door behind him.

"Alright then who's next?" I ask Tobias.


	28. Chapter 28

**Okay I got passed my writers block and I've figured out what direction I need to go in thanks to my best friend Shrinky Dink (Beautiful Creatures joke). Thank you guys so much for the AMAZIZNG reviews! You guys are such great readers and I really need to thank you guys for understanding why I didn't feel like updating. Please keep reviewing! Love you guys sooooo much. -Sofia**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight Tris POV-**

Tobias and I have been running the simulations for a week, I've learned too much about my initiates and I feel guilty for knowing these things. Lena is scared of failure and sticking out, this makes me think she had a messy childhood and no friends. Cass is afraid of rejection and dying, this supports my first thought about her; she's a snob. Ian's fear is basically the same every time; someone shoot him and he cowers in a ball the whole time until he can get used to the pain. One of the Dauntless born initiates named Ember is afraid being burned alive and killing another Dauntless born named Ranger. Ranger has extremely reasonable fears, he's afraid of losing control and shooting all the other initiates to death.

Today are the fear landscapes. I don't know how I'll get used to not training the initiates every morning. I'm going to have to find another job now. A lot can happen in a week, yesterday I found it difficult to breathe; the cancer is starting to really get to me. I get out of breath just walking to the kitchen, it's becoming more obvious something it wrong with me but no one's found out as far as I know.

I roll over and see I'm alone and when I look at the clock and see it's already eleven and the initiates are expected to be done by twelve thirty; shoot. Tobias didn't wake me up and now I'm way late, Peter was going to let me watch the fear landscapes because he'll do anything I want. I can't believe Tobias didn't wake me. I really wanted to watch the fear landscapes and he knew that.

I take a quick shower and throw on shinny jeans and a black hoodie because I can't find my hat. I pour myself some coffee into a mug and see the note beside the coffee maker.

_VI,_

_So sorry I didn't wake you, I know you really wanted to watch the fear landscapes._

_Dr. Winston left strict instructions to sleep more because the chemo is clearly affecting you more then she anticipated_

_You should go and see her about your shortness of breath tomorrow._

_I'll be by the door to the fear landscape room all day because my job is to inject everyone_

_-IV_

I slip on my combat boots and throw up my hood before grabbing my coffee mug and leaving the apartment. I walk towards the fear landscape room and as I climb up the walls of the Pit I'm out of breath and have to stop a minute before continuing up the path. I find myself in the middle of the crowd watching the fear landscapes and I make my way to the door where Tobias stands alone.

He glances at me and looks away as if he doesn't recognize me, maybe he doesn't, I have my hood up and it's so big it covers my face.

"Hey who's gone?" I ask and he turns around and I see recognition in his eyes now that I've said something.

"Ranger, Logan, Cass, Lena and Alex. Ranger took fourteen minutes, Logan took thirteen minutes, Cass took sixteen minutes, Lena took thirteen minutes and Alex took fourteen minutes." He says and I nod.

"Who's in the landscape now?" I ask.

"Some Dauntless girl named Jade with black and blue hair, do you know her?" He asks.

"Yeah she was the one afraid of heights, I remember because you looked uneasy just watching her simulation." I say, it was pretty funny actually.

"Whatever, she's been in for ten minutes now, Peter might let you watch the next one if you want, it's a Dauntless born named Macon." He says and I nod.

"Is there any real order?" I ask.

"No, that was Eric's protocol, torture the weak one's first." He says.

I remember last time I was standing here, it was the day I ranked first and the day we went public as a couple. I wonder how many fears I have now, maybe I have six and maybe I have sixteen, I want to find out but I don't think I can handle even walking into that room ever again.

We wait in a comfortable silence for Jade to finish her landscape. It takes Jade a total of fifteen minutes to finish her landscape and as she walks out I can tell she's still dazed from the simulation. Peter walks out after her and comes straight to me.

"You're late." He says coldly.

"Whatever, you should be honored I even showed up." I sneer.

He grabs me by the shoulder to walk me into the room where the Dauntless leaders watch the landscapes, his one finger stretches long enough it touches my port and his fingers dig into my skin making me groan. Tobias' eyes widen as he pieces it together and Peter just looks at me weird, I force his hand off my shoulder and he looks at me confused.

"What's up with you?" Peter asks.

"I'll meet you in there." I say and he shuffles off scowling. I make sure he's gone before turning back to Tobias who looks at me dead in the eye.

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"Yeah I'm fine, it didn't hurt that bad it just scared me a little." I say.

"If you don't want anyone to find out about you, you might want to keep your hood up all day and act like things don't hurt." He says and I smile.

"Okay, I'll see you soon." I say and kiss his cheeks before walking into the room.

I sit down next to Peter and it takes me a second to realize they have to attach wires to my head in order for me to be able to watch the landscape and that will involve taking my hood off and revealing my bald head and the navy blue stitches on the side of my head from my last surgery. I allow myself to panic because if the Dauntless leaders find out I'm dying they could kick me out because I'm weak and helpless and if they don't kick me out they're at least bond to tell everyone.

"Are you going to take off your freaking hood so we can attach the wires or are you just going to sit there?" Peter asks coldly.

"Is there any other way to watch it without wires?" I asks and he looks at me weird.

"No, why? You've had wires hooked up to your head every other day." He says.

"Yeah but the only conscious person in the room was Four." I mumble.

"What did you say?" He hisses so quiet I'm probably the only one who heard him.

"Nothing," I say and I take down my hood.

I hear nothing but silence as I do but I can feel all the leaders' eyes boring into my bare head. I feel embarrassed and immediately want to put it but I'm stopped when I feel someone putting wires on my head. I turn around and see Peter who looks me straight in the eye but says nothing and just continues attaching wires to my head. Once he's done he sits down and leans close to me so no one can hear.

"Why are you bald Stiff? And your surgery was over two weeks ago, your stitches should be out, mind explaining?" He asks and I don't hear coldness in his voice but I don't hear pity either.

"Have you ever considered that I had another surgery? You know, because I had another brain tumor." I spit quietly and his eyes widen for a second but then he quickly stops it.

"What did you say?" He asks.

"I have cancer; congratulations, I'm dying." I say coldly and I glare at him.

He stays silent as Max attaches more wires to his head and before Max leaves he walks over to me and crouches.

"Meet me in my office tonight at six." He says and walks away.

I wait impatiently for the simulation to start, I hear some indistinct conversation from outside the room and I assume it's Tobias talking to Macon or whatever his name is. My surroundings change around me and the simulation begins.

Once the simulation is done it takes a few seconds to shake it off. I was in the simulation for fourteen minutes and went through twelve fears; dying, heights, other people's strengths, losing control, killing a group of people I assume are his relatives, being kicked out of Dauntless, drowning in an ocean, being shot over and over again, being buried alive, forgetting everything, not being able to speak, jumping into the chasm and watching some guy I vaguely recognize bleed to death.

I take the wires off my head and look around to see everyone already left the room so I'm alone. I walk out alone and I walk over to Tobias who stares at me in complete confusion and I remember that I have my hood down. Luckily only a few people are looking at me and the rest are watching the next initiate walk through the crowd.

"Your hood is down." Tobias says quietly.

"I had to so they could attach wires to my head so people know already." I say.

I stand on my tip-toes so I can see what initiate will be next and see a Dauntless born initiate named Ciara.

"So you don't care that people know?" He asks and I think about this, on one hand I don't want people to know but also it's getting obvious.

"Well it's pretty obvious something's wrong with me," I say and he nods, everyone's going to find out.

Once I shake off the last fear landscape I walk out of the room with the other Dauntless leaders so we can congratulate the last person who went; Riley. I put up my hood before follow everyone inside the landscape room. Riley is crouching on the ground trying to catch her breath. I feel a pang of sympathy because I remember when I went through my fear landscape, it was horrible. I push that thought aside as we congratulate her and walk out of the fear landscape room.

Once out I spot Christina waiting for me by Tobias and I walk towards them. I stand next to Christina who bursts out laughing as soon as she recognizes me.

"What are you wearing?" Christina asks between laughs.

"My idiotic _boyfriend _didn't wake me up this morning and then when I _finally _woke I couldn't find my hat so I put on a hoodie." I say and she stops laughing.

"You look like you just murdered someone in a dark alley." She says.

"I just watched Riley murder someone." I mumble and it's true, Riley's last fear was killing her baby brother.

"What?" Christina asks and I shake my head.

"Nothing, so where's Will?" I ask her, Christina's been counting down the minutes until Will would be here and I don't see him.

"Will died." She mumbles.

"HE WHAT?!" I shriek and some people look at me weird.

"I'm only kidding," Christina says laughing and she puts her hands up in surrender and I take a minute for my heart rate to slow down.

"God Christina, that's not funny." I say and she grins.

"It was a little funny, anyways Will is on his way from the fence, he called me earlier." She explains and I frown.

"It wasn't funny." I say coldly and she nodded but she didn't seem convinced.

"Final ranks go up in an hour, we should go." Tobias says and I nod.

I say goodbye to Christina before following Tobias through the Pit and towards our apartment. I don't want to admit it but I'm glad he suggested we leave because I'm feeling exhausted even though I slept in pretty late today.

The whole way we walk in silence and for some unknown reason the silence doesn't feel right. We walk through the Pit and I wait for him to say something but he never does.

"Max wants to speak with me tonight, I think he's kicking me out of Dauntless for dying." I blurt out and Tobias spins around and gives me a hard look.

"Why would he kick you out of Dauntless?" He asks and I'm not sure what to tell him because it's just this feeling inside me that he will kick me out.

"Well the Dauntless get kicked out once they're old and I'm dying so I'm not much use to them." I say and Tobias shakes his head and laughs at me.

"It's not funny! I could be kicked out of Dauntless!" I say defensively and he keeps laughing.

"You're an idiot Tris." He says finally and I feel anger build up inside me.

"I'm _not _an idiot, I know better than to expect the Dauntless to let me stay here." I say coldly and he stops laughing.

"You're just paranoid, they won't kick you out of Dauntless. Trust me," He says and I feel like I'm about to burst from anger even though I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because he's acting like I'm some little girl saying she's going to die after she got a paper cut, or maybe it's because he called me an idiot, either way I'm fed up.

"Shut up _Four." _I shriek and he looks startled that I yelled at him.

"I am _not _an idiot and I am _not _paranoid, I'm just accepting the fact that I am no use to the Dauntless anymore." I say coldly.

"Calm down." He says quietly and I groan.

"Why can't you just accept the fact that I'm leaving." I say and I'm not sure if I mean I might be kicked out of Dauntless or that I'm going to die. Suddenly I realize the horrible truth that we are standing in the Pit and people are crowded around us. I was so angry I didn't even realize that people were staring and judging by the look on Tobias' face he just realized it too. I scan the faces in the crowd and see Cass grinning like an idiot and I search the crowd for someone I know until my eyes lock with celery green one's; Will. He gives me a sympathetic look and I know that he understand what's running through my mind, at first I thought he was sorry we were fighting but now I think he's sorry that people are watching.

I'm now turned away from Tobias and just staring into Will's eyes, wishing he could get me out of this situation. I feel fingers lace with mine and I spin around to see Tobias standing behind me.

"We should probably go." He says quietly and I nod. Together we rush silently back to our apartment in complete silence. As we break through the circle that has formed around us I feel Cass' eyes bore into my back and I know she's smirking. I don't know what her problem is but I know I don't like her. I'm pretty sure she has a crush on Four but that's not why I don't like her, I don't like her because she's selfish. I can't really say she's a coward because she's a pretty good fighter and she doesn't back down in a fight so I would be lying if I said that.

We get into our apartment and Tobias closes the door behind me and let's go of my hand. I expect him to yell or something but he says nothing and just stands there, it almost looks like he's waiting… I let that thought trail off when I realize what he's waiting for; he wants an explanation.

"I'm sorry, I've been such a mess lately, to be honest I'm not even sure why I was mad at you there." I say and he folds me into his arms. I try as hard as I can not to cry but one tear slips down my cheek.

"It's okay, you're allowed to be a mess right now. Something terrible happened and no one should ever have to go through what you're going through." He says quietly and I start to sob into his shirt and I can't stop. I feel like if he let go of me I'd break into a million pieces and I'd never be able to pull myself back together.

We stay like this for what feels like minutes but was probably much longer. Finally I stop crying and I hear shouting from the hallway, how long were we standing like that? My legs ache and I'm tired but that might just be because I'm weak. Tobias let's go of me and I go into the bathroom to see that my face is red and swollen from crying for so long. I splash some cold water on my face and put up my hood before walking out. Tobias holds back laughter when I walk back to him and I know I look like someone who belongs in a dark alley with a butter knife with my hood up like this.

"Why must everyone laugh at me?" I ask and he shrugs.

"You look like some psycho with your black hoodie on, Christina was right, you look like you just murdered someone." He says and I grin.

"Maybe I did just kill someone," I say raising my eyebrows.

Tobias takes my hand and we walk towards the crowd that's formed around the platform by the fear landscape room. I spot Will and Christina standing towards the back and pull Tobias towards them. I haven't seen Will in forever, I wasn't able to see him during visiting day because of my surgery. Once I'm close enough I let go of Tobias' hand and wrap my arms around Will, startling him. After a moment he hugs me back and Christina laughs lightly as we both pull away from each other.

"I haven't seen you in forever." I say to Will who's laughing at me. I'm not exactly sure why, maybe it's because I hugged him but that's not weird. Then it hit's me; _"You look like some psycho with your black hoodie on, Christina was right, you look like you just murdered someone."_ Tobias had said. Immediately I laugh to and now all three of us are laughing and Tobias is pinching the bridge of his nose and looking at me as if I'm crazy.

"What are you wearing Tris?" Will asks and I grin.

"You saw me earlier, why are you so shocked?" I ask smirking.

"Well your hood wasn't up then." He says.

I hear a loud squealing sound from behind me and turn to see Peter standing on the platform with a microphone. I didn't get any say in the final ranks; only the Dauntless leaders get to determine those ranks. I wait impatiently as Peter goes through the ridiculous speech the leaders read every year until finally he says something about the ranks and then the ranks show up on the screen behind him.

RangerZaynAlexJadeChaseLenaMaconMarkIanCass

The list looks reasonable as far as I know from the fear simulations, I don't know why Cass or Ian made it but I missed their fear landscapes so I suppose they impressed the leaders that way. Tobias told me that Mark was amazing at knife throwing and it took him an average of eight minutes to get out of the fear simulations so even though I'm not a fan of him, he's ranks were accurate.

I think back to the fear landscapes and I remember when Macon had to watch someone with blue hair bleed to death. I still barely recognize the person and maybe that's because the guy was completely covered in blood and his face was contorted with pain. I run through a list of people in my mind trying to figure out who he was and I stop when I think about who I know has blue hair; Ranger. Ranger is either Macon's friend, sibling or boyfriend. I don't know why I am so curious about their relationship but I just am.

"Earth to Stiff," A voice calls behind me and I see Lynn standing behind me smirking.

"Huh?" I ask, I didn't hear what she said.

"I was asking if you were okay, you kind of zoned out and started breathing heavy." Lynn explains and I nod realizing I am breathing heavily like she said.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say and the people around me start to get blurry and I'm tired, so tired.

"I just need to sleep." I say and I can hear how sluggish I sound. Then my vision starts to go black, _oh gosh, not again_, I think and then everything goes black.


	29. Chapter 29

**Hey so sorry about that whole 'I'm leaving' thing, I really thought I was because I was so busy reading The Mortal Instruments series that all I could think about was Jace and Clary so now I'm back. Do you know when you just start a book and you are fangirling so hard you can't breathe? Yeah, well that's what was happening. Okay so I'm officially back. Please REVIEW! Okay love you guys. -Sofia**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine Tris POV-**

I open my eyes and scan my surroundings, I'm in a hospital room in the Dauntless compound. I remember talking to Lynn and realizing I was going to pass out, it's kind of sad that I've passed out so many times I know when it'll happen.

I feel something in my nose and see that a thin, clear tube right under my nose, it's attached to something I recognize from school; it's an oxygen tank. My chest aches and I'm exhausted so I close my eyes again but I don't try to sleep, I just lie there. I've been feeling awful lately but I've been trying so hard to cover it up even around Tobias. I'm not sure why I hide it but I just do it without thinking, it's been getting harder. My head feels horrible and I knew that I should've been sleeping instead of doing simulations, maybe if I'd actually listened to Dr. Winston I wouldn't be here.

I hear something and I open my eyes to see Addison and I know she's here to chastise me for watching the fear landscapes instead of sleeping at home. She sighs and shakes her head at me disapprovingly and I feel like a small child.

"It's my fault you passed out, I let you be discharged way too early and now

Dr. Winston doesn't trust you to stay home and sleep so you were admitted to psych for being unfit for making medical decisions." She says and I'm a little offended.

"Psych? I'm not crazy." I say and she shakes her head.

"No but it's the only way to keep you here; you're not surgical and you don't need chemo for another two days so psych is our only option. You will be taken to the psych floor pretty soon and I'm sorry but you aren't allowed to see anyone since were pretending you're crazy." She explains and I groan, I'm going to be stuck in this hospital all alone, great.

"So what am I supposed to do?" I ask.

"You can sleep and eat, those are basically only your options." She says.

"Why do I need this?" I ask pointing to the oxygen tank.

"Well there is some fluid built up around your lungs but not quite enough for us to remove without risking damage you healthy lung tissue so all we can do is give you oxygen for now. You passed out because your brain wasn't getting enough oxygen so we're just taking precautions." She says and I groan again, why must my life be so messed up?

Addison fiddles with some machines around me and then leaves so I'm all alone in my hospital room. I'm going to be alone for a long, long time, this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. I don't want to die alone but it isn't up to me anymore. I wish she hadn't told me I'd be stuck here because then maybe I might not want to scream and punch the wall. I want to scream until I can't anymore but if I do then I'll seem like I actually am crazy.

I feel as if my insides are slowly expanding and if I don't do something they'll keep expanding and tear me to shreds. I want to scream, no, I need to scream. I need to do something besides cry and screaming is my only other option so I have to scream before I go crazy. I can't keep my mouth shut much longer and it's getting harder and harder to not scream so I bite my lip so hard I taste blood and I stop.

Finally I can't take it anymore, I really need to do something before I go crazy in this room, the only sound is my oxygen tank making a deep humming sound and the muffled sound of conversations outside of my room. I put my hand on my forehead and without even thinking I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I take a moment to recover my sanity and let my hand drop to my side, I can't go crazy in here, I can't. I close my eyes and drift off.

**Cass POV-**

When the ranks go up I shriek in shock; I made it through initiation, I'm Dauntless now. Emily, who's standing beside me, screams in anger; she didn't make it and even though she's my friend I don't really like her so I'm glad she was cut. She was so annoying and self-possessed and she got in the way of my plan to get Four since she has a crush on him too.

Today is going really well for me; Emily was cut, I'm now a Dauntless and on my way to see the ranks I saw Six and Four in the Pit fighting. Their fight seemed pretty bad considering she picked a fight in the middle of the Pit.

I am so happy I decide to leave the crowd and just wander through the Pit and go shopping. Maybe I could make friends with that Dauntless born girl named Jade, she seemed okay.

I get into the clothing store and get some jeans because I haven't used that many points so far. I'm looking through a rack of skirts by the front of the store and I look out the display window to see the two Dauntless born trainers, a boy I don't recognize, a girl with a shaved head and Four rushing through the Pit. Four has someone in his arms and I look again and see its Six unconscious in his arms. My eyes cling to them as they rush away and it takes me a minute to shake it off.

I go back to the rack of skirts and I see a short leather skirt with gold studs down the sides. I love it.

"That's a cute skirt." I hear a voice say and I look up to see Jade standing on the other side of the rack.

"Thanks, can I tell you something?" I ask; it's time to let someone else in on my plan.

"Sure." She says and I grin.

"Me and that other guy, Ian, have a plan to split Six and Four up." I say smirking and she looks at me like I'm crazy.

"That's going to be hard considering they've been dating ever since he was her instructor last year." She says and the news stuns me; they've been dating longer then I thought.

"Oh," It's all there is to say.

"Good thing you have me to help you." She says and I look up and see a smirk on her lips.

"We should go back to the dorms, I'll buy the skirt later." I say and she nods.

We go to the Dauntless born initiates dorm since they're all in the Pit celebrating and all. Once inside I tell her how I saw him and Christina arguing about Six and how I think he's cheating on her. I tell her about how I'm going to pay a few girls to kiss Four when he isn't with Six and then have Six find them kissing. Then while Six and Four are fighting Ian is going to kiss Six in front of Four and make it look like she kissed him. This'll make them break up and I'll try and cheer up Four by talking to him and I'll make sure I'm wearing perfect outfits around him.

"Okay we need to go shopping, all your clothes are ugly; you need something more edgy." Jade says and I nod.

We walk to the Pit and we talk about cute outfit ideas, I'm going to have to wear tighter clothes that are more revealing so I look prettier. We walk into the clothing store and rush straight towards the rack with the skirt on it. We pick out a few outfits and I head towards the changing room and I put on the first outfit; a tight black shirt that ends right below my ribcage so it shows my thin stomach. To match it I have on a pair of sky blue short jeans that are a little too short but I don't care. The shorts are blue but they look good with the tight crop top I'm wearing, it looks more like a tight tank top that someone cut in half.

I walk out of the dressing room to show Jade who grins as soon as she sees me. I spin around and stare at my reflection for a long time until Jade breaks the silence.

"You look amazing!" Jade says and I grin at her in the mirror, we have a long day of shopping ahead of us.

**Tobias POV-**

Tris is carried off to a room on a gurney and I'm stuck in the waiting room. She is going to kill me if she keeps blacking out like this, it scares the hell out of me knowing she could just drop unconscious at any moment and she might never wake up. She's done it to me three times now and I shocked I've made it this far without breaking.

We've been fighting a lot lately and every time I have to remind myself it's not her fault she's lashing out but it's getting difficult not to yell back. I'm mad at her for making me love her and then dying right in front of me over and over again and making believe she's gone forever and then deciding to stay alive. I'm mad at her for making me love her and then just leaving me, I mean she's still here but she's not. She's not Tris anymore; just someone who looks like her, occasionally Tris break through but that's almost never. No matter what she does I have to be there because in the small possibility that she survives and starts being Tris again, I can't be gone. I also know it must be harder on her then it is on me and she can't do it alone or she won't make it.

Christina looks at her feet and leans her head on Will's shoulder, she's crying. Lynn just stands there next to me and we stare at the door to the room that contains Tris. After a while a Addison walks out of Tris' room. I hear a scream from the room and I can't take it much longer so I leave the hospital and go towards the chasm. It takes me a moment to realize that I came here to climb down the rocks but last time I was there I was with Tris so that won't help. I lean over the railing and look at the hazardous waters below.

I stand like this for about half an hour before I hear someone call my name. I turn around to see Zeke walking towards the railing and I turn back to the chasm. Zeke stops once he gets to me and stands next to me and leans over the railing, he doesn't say anything now and I'm thankful for that. The only person I want to talk to is Tris right now so I don't say anything either, we just stand there in silence.

"Tris is up." Zeke says and I look at him.

"That's not funny." I say and he smirks.

"I wasn't joking." Zeke says and I search for the sarcasm in his voice but it isn't there.

Together we walk through the Pit and towards the infirmary to see Tris, I need to see her otherwise I might go crazy. She's done this to me three times now and every time I think she's dead and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I burst through the doors of the hospital and see Addison, the nurse Tris likes, standing by the nurses station. I go towards her to ask her where Tris is but before I can say anything she turns around and smiles sympathetically at me.

"I'm so sorry about Tris but we have no other option." She says and my heart speeds up; why is she sorry?

"What?" I ask tensely and she quickly back pedals.

"Oh, sorry, Tris is fine it's just you can't see her. She was supposed to be sleeping but instead she was wondering around Erudite and watching fear landscapes so we have to admit her. You aren't allowed to visit her, that's why I said sorry." She explains and I calm down.

"Why can't I see her?" I ask and Addison goes on to explain that they had to pretend she was crazy so they could keep her here and make sure she's sleeping.

"Oh, when is she allowed out?" I ask and Addison sighs.

"Well everyone recovers from surgery different but I think she'll take about a little over a week to recover." She says and I feel as if I swallowed a stone, I won't see Tris for over a week.

"Oh, okay." I say trying to stay calm.

I walk away from Addison and towards Max's office; he wanted to see Tris so they could talk about her condition but clearly she can't so I have to. I'm not too thrilled to be talking to Max because once him and the leaders find out everyone in Dauntless will find out. I know Tris doesn't want people to know she's dying but it was getting pretty obvious so people were going to find out one way or another.

Pretty soon I'm standing in front of Max's office; I knock on the door before opening it. I walk inside to see Max sitting at his desk, typing on his computer. He doesn't notice me at first so I clear my throat and he looks up at me but doesn't say anything.

"You wanted to see Tris?" I say and he looks at me coldly.

"You're not Tris." He says coldly.

"Yeah well she couldn't make it." I say and he smirks.

"Was she too tired? Too busy cowering in a ball?" He asks and I glare at him.

"No she's in the hospital." I spit at him and for a second his eyes widen but then he quickly changes his face so it looks emotionless.

"Is she dead?" He asks impatiently.

"No but she's unconscious." I lie.

"Mind filling me in on her situation?" Max says motioning to the chair in front of his desk.

I sit down and start from the beginning; I tell him how we found out only two weeks ago and how she's had two brain surgeries already. I tell him how she's had one dose of chemo and that she has stage IV metastatic melanoma. By the time I'm done almost an hour has passed. Max just nods and silently I pray that Tris won't be kicked out of Dauntless, I don't know why I think she might but I just do.

"Okay, you can go." He says and I give him a weird look.

"Why do you care?" I ask and he shrugs.

"When one of your members is dying it's helpful to know." He explains and I stand up. I leave his office without another word and go straight to my apartment, I don't really want to go home to an empty apartment but I have nowhere else to go.


	30. Chapter 30

**Okay so I'm updating, thanks guys for understanding why its taking so long to update. This chapter lets you learn a lot more about Lena and who she is so I hope it helps you understand where I'm going with this story. Love you guys -Sofia**

**Chapter Thirty Christina POV-**

Tris has been in the hospital for a week now and I miss my best friend, by now everyone in Dauntless has their own stories as to why she's there. Some people know she's dying, like Uriah and Lynn and all, but others just make up stories. Every time I hear one of those stories it takes me all I have not to punch the person in the face. Some people think she has an eating disorder and one of Tris' initiates goes around and tells lies about her seeing Tris cheating on Four and rumors like that. One of my initiates goes around with her and I just want to punch them both in the faces but I don't. Some people think she went crazy and others say she tried to kill herself but I know that she didn't.

According to Four, Tris is being discharged today because she's been doing really well and has been sleeping all the time. He also told me that she was only there so they could make sure she was following the rules and sleeping, obviously she wasn't a week ago so they had to keep her in the hospital.

I wish I could stop the rumors before Tris is let out so she doesn't have to deal with it, but I can't. The Dauntless love good gossip and this is a really easy subject for people who don't know Tris to talk about and it's easy to manipulate so it makes Tris sound awful. I want to help but I can't, maybe if I had some help but I doubt anyone else wants to. Uriah might but he hasn't been talking to anyone lately, I feel bad for him but I'm not sure why he's been silent. Marlene and Lynn would love to stand up for Tris but we can't do it without Uriah and it's going to be really hard to get him out of his daze.

I decide to call Marlene and see if she'll help me, I grab my phone off the counter in my apartment and dial Marlene's number. I wait as the phone rings and after each ring I become more and more impatient. Finally she picks up.

"Hey Christina!" Marlene chirps.

"Hey, Tris is being discharged this afternoon and I want to do something about all these rumors." I say and Marlene is silent for a moment.

"To do that we need Uriah," Marlene says after a while.

"I know, I need yours and Lynn's help to do that will you help me?" I ask and she sighs.

"We'll meet you in the Pit in ten minutes." She says before hanging up.

I rush towards the Pit to meet them in time and once I'm there I spot them standing in the middle of the Pit. I walk towards them and Marlene spots me, once Lynn sees me she scowls at her shoes; what's her problem?

"According to Zeke, Uriah is at his apartment, we should go." She says and I nod as we rush to Uriah's apartment in silence.

I see his apartment door ahead of us and I start running until I'm standing right in front of it. I don't knock; I just walk into his apartment without any invitation. Uriah is lying on the couch wearing loose black jeans and a black hoodie, his hood is up and he has ear buds in. His music is so loud I can faintly hear it; Marlene walks in with Lynn close behind her. I yell Uriah's name but he can't hear me, Lynn walks around the couch and snaps her fingers in front of Uriah's face but he does nothing. Lynn slaps him and he jumps up off the couch and his ear buds fall out.

"What was that for?" He asks.

"You talked right? You haven't talked in about a week now!" Marlene says sweetly and Uriah rolls his eyes.

"The only people I can talk to is you guys because all anyone else wants to do is place bets on what's wrong with Tris and that makes me sick." He says bitterly and Lynn sighs.

"That's why we're here, Tris is being discharged later today and we want to stop the rumors before she gets out." Lynn explains and Uriah nods.

"So you need my help?" He asks mockingly.

"Well when you put it that way I want to kill myself." Lynn jokes and Uriah grins.

"I'm in, what are we doing? Punching people?" He asks and I look at my feet.

"We don't actually have a plan." I confess and he smirks.

"Well if there is no plan then we can't do anything." He says and I nod.

"Just help us make a plan!" I say and we get to work.

**Tris POV-**

I wait impatiently for Tobias to come and sign discharge papers so I can leave this death trap. I haven't spoken to another person in a week, well, besides Addison. I really need to talk to Tobias, I miss him so much, I've been going crazy in this hospital and I need to get out. I see someone familiar walking toward the nurses station and I see it's Tobias.

I stand up from the bench I've been sitting on and walk over to him. He doesn't notice me because he's busy signing papers so I say something.

"Miss me?" I ask and he looks at and I see his eyes widen once he sees me. He wraps his arms around my waist, the papers forgotten, and pulls me into him. I wrap my arms around him and my arm stings from where I had my IV but I ignore it and press my forehead to his chest.

"Yes." He says quietly and I grin before pulling away from his grasp, his arms stay protectively around my waist despite my attempts to break free.

"Well sign the stupid papers so I can get out of here before I really do go crazy." I say and he grins and lets go of me.

After what seems like a never-ending mound of paper work I'm finally allowed out. I lace my fingers with Tobias' and try to pull him out the doors but he stays still and looks at me in the eye.

"Everyone knows, everyone has their own version of the story and some of them are really bad, some people think you actually went crazy and others think you starve yourself." He says and I sigh.

"Who cares about them?" I ask and he smirks.

"Not you I'm guessing." He says and this time he lets me pull him out of the doors.

When we get into the Pit some people notice who I am and whisper and stare. I spot Uriah, Lynn and Christina standing in the Pit and I drag Tobias with me as I run towards them. Christina observes my outfit carefully and I roll my eyes, I'm wearing black leggings and loose black v neck t-shirt that I now realize exposes the bump on my chest from the port.

"Hey, what'd miss?" I ask and Christina rolls her eyes but she smiles.

"Nothing really, Uriah went psycho for a few days." Lynn says and Uriah elbows her in the ribs but she doesn't flinch.

"Ooh I want details." I say and Uriah rolls his eyes.

"I just ignored the idiotic Dauntless who were telling rumors." He says and Marlene smirks.

"By that he means he didn't say a word to anyone the whole time you were gone until today." Marlene says and Uriah looks at her.

"In my defense no one said a word to me either." He says and I grin.

"This is just sad." I joke.

Tobias clears his throat and someone taps my shoulder, I spin around to see a girl about fourteen year's old standing behind me. She has long, black hair that falls in waves down her back, dark green eyes and is wearing black skinny jeans and a tight black tank top. I let go of Tobias' hand now and look at her weird, I've never seen her before.

"Are you Tris?" She asks and I roll my eyes.

"Yeah," I say coldly.

"Are you the girl who tried to kill herself?" She asks curiously and I glare at her.

"No." I spit at her. She blushes and I can tell she's embarrassed that she falsely accused me.

"Oh, I'm sorry." She mumbles and I almost want to apologize but she's in Dauntless and it's not my fault she was wrong. She rushes away to a group of Dauntless girls around her age and they all walk out of the Pit.

"Do you know how good it feels to finally socialize with people besides Addison?" I ask and Christina grins.

"I don't know how you did it without going crazy." Christina says and I take a minute to respond to this, there's nothing really to say.

"I'm not sure how I did it to be honest." I say finally.

"Do mind if I leave, I have something to do?" Tobias asks so quietly I think I'm the only one who heard him. I turn around to face.

"Yeah, I have Christina and all to make sure I'm fine." I say and he walks away without another word. I don't really want him to go away and leave me but I let him go anyways. I have no clue as to where he's going but I want to find out, I guess I'll ask him later.

I turn back around so I'm facing Uriah. I don't have any idea what we should do because even though I've been here a year I'm not really sure as to what I like to do for fun. Abnegation suppressed that side of me and I still haven't quite fully found that side again yet. It's kind of like how when someone tells you not to think about something you can't stop thinking about that one thing, in Abnegation all I wanted to do was do something fun.

"Do you want to watch a movie later?" Christina asks and Marlene instantly looks more excited.

"Sure I'll see you later?" I say. We say our goodbyes and then I'm left alone in the Pit.

I look around and spot one of my old initiates; Cass. I look at her closely and notice that she's wearing a tight, black mini skirt that is just a bit to short and a black crop top with the word 'love' written on it on white curly writing, the shirt is just cut off short enough to see a belly ring that I can only faintly see because she's so far away. Her dark blue eyes are lined with black pencil and her hair falls in waves down her back. She looks like she's trying just a bit too hard. She's naturally beautiful; I don't understand why girls like her think that smudging their faces with bright colored powders makes them look better. I try to wear as little make-up as possible because it's a pain to put on let alone take it off. Also, they don't allow make-up on the psych floor.

I don't know what I should do until it's time to meet Christina to watch a movie, I would sleep but I've spent the last week sleeping and I'm actually getting bored of sleep, I never thought that was possible. I could go shopping but I don't need anything from the store, so basically I have nothing to do. I want to go back to my apartment but I'd be all alone there and there's nothing to do.

I wander around the Dauntless compound trying to decide on what to do. I want to get out of the compound and go for a walk outside but that's a bad idea to walk around alone after being discharged just earlier today. Maybe I could go in the training room and practice throwing knives or something. I need to blow off some steam after all that's happened to me, I'm pissed at the world but there's nothing I can do about my cancer besides try and fight and I haven't been in the training room in weeks and I feel like I'm losing all my strength and I need everything I've got to fight my cancer. I have to fight.

**Cass POV-**

I stand in the Pit and as I scan the crowd I see Tris. I just found out her real name but I'm still curious as to why she goes by Six during initiation. I heard all these rumors as to why she's in the hospital and the one I heard the most is that she's anorexic and almost killed herself. No matter how much I don't like her I have to be honest, I didn't expect her to do something like that; she proved to all the initiates in training that she's strong; she showed us that she is brave, and then she did this. People would ask me what I thought had happened to her because I was her initiate and I might know, and even though I felt guilty, I told them I suspected she was anorexic to the point where she almost died.

I'm not sure why I felt guilty for saying that, I mean I barely know the girl, but I did. I _do_. I think it may have a little bit to do with Four, the whole time she was in the hospital all I could think about was what to do to impress Four. Maybe that makes me a bad person, maybe it doesn't. I don't know what to feel in a situation like this one.

**Lena POV-**

I've heard the rumors; I mean who in Dauntless hasn't? I just can't imagine Tris starving herself; she doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would go to the extremes to be skinny. All the initiates by now have heard Tris' name, we've all chosen our jobs and moved on. I work in the tattoo shop so I hear a lot of Dauntless gossip, tattoos hurt no matter how tough you are so while I work on them usually gossiping helps them get through it so I know all the gossip.

Tris and Four started dating when she was an initiate, personally I think that's wrong considering the fact that he was her instructor and _he _determined her ranks. No one knows how long they were really dating but everyone found out that they were dating on her fear landscape day when they kissed. Tris has been in and out of the hospital for a while now and people are only now finding out. There are rumors as to why she's in the hospital but everyone in Dauntless has their own story as to why. I know a little too much about her but I can't help it, I spend all day around gossiping Dauntless and listen to the same story's over and over again.

I wander around the compound; I weave my way through unfamiliar hallways and pass by unfamiliar Dauntless. I haven't made any friends yet, I mean, I'm dating Zayn but he's been pretty distant lately, I'm not sure why though. I think I love him but there's no way to be sure, he hasn't been himself and he won't talk to me about what's going on, he hasn't talked to me _at all_ for that matter. Alex is pretty cool but he isn't my friend, he's Zayn's friend, Zayn's been talking to Alex more than he has me. I'm all alone.

I find myself in a familiar hallway; I see the training room doors at the end of the hallway and a wave of memories wash over me. They're not necessarily good memories but they aren't bad one's either, I'm not sure what to make of my initiation. It's possible everyone feels this way but I'm not exactly sure.

I stand in front of the training room doors and take a deep breath; I can smell the faint scent of metal and sweat that fills the room. I hear noise coming from inside the training room. Who would be in the training room?

I push the doors open with all the force I can muster and take in my surroundings. Four stands in the middle of the training room, I watch as a knife hurtles through the air and hits with a slam in the middle of a target beside a couple other knives. Four spins around as the door closes loudly behind me and I notice something about his features, his face is red; he was crying.

**Tobias POV-**

I leave Tris in the Pit with Uriah and all and head straight to the training room without even thinking about where I'm going. Too much has been going on and the only way I've been able to keep it together is by going to the training room and just firing guns until my hands cramp and ache. I've been punching bags until my knuckles split while Tris was in the hospital, I missed her so much and as soon as I saw her I immediately wished she wasn't being discharged yet. Last time they let me take care of her she went unconscious and almost died in my arms, I don't think I can go through it again.

I push open the doors and head straight to the table stacked with knives. I pick up a small dagger and turn it over and over in my palm, it used to feel weird to hold something so dangerous but now it just feels natural. I throw the knife will full force and it hits exactly in the center of the target that stands before me.

I let my mind wander as I repeat this motion with a variety of knives that were strewn across the table when I got here. I know I should be grateful that Tris is out of the hospital but whenever I look at her all I can see is her falling to the floor in front of the fear landscape room. Closing my eyes won't help, it's like that one moment is printed in my eyelids. When she fell no one even noticed, no one heard her fall over the clamor. It was like everything happened in slow motion, I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I watched as Uriah shook my should and said something, I'm not so sure what he said, it took me a moment to snap out of my daze and carry Tris to the hospital.

I wipe my eyes; I didn't even realize I was crying until now. I have to calm down, I don't cry often; crying is almost foreign to me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight when I get home, I don't think I can handle watching her walk around as if nothing is wrong. I'm not very good under pressure, when it comes to combat I can handle it, but when it comes to Tris I'm lost. I had one job; make sure Tris stays home and sleeps and I failed. I did this to her, it's my fault.

I hear something indistinct outside the training room and ignore it; I'm probably just being crazy. I hear the training room door bang shut and spin around to see someone I faintly recognize; she was one of my initiates. Her eyes widen at the sight of my face and suddenly I want to hurl the large dagger in my hand at her, instead I throw it at the target angrily and it hits right next to the knives I've been throwing.

**Lena POV-**

"Oh, I-I'm so-….sorry." I stutter at him and spin around to walk out when he speaks.

"You're not allowed to be here." He says and I turn around and look at him. Despite his red eyes he looks cold, mad even.

"Then why are you here?" I challenge and he narrows his eyes.

"I'm a trainer, I work here." He shoots.

"Why are you crying?" The words leave my mouth before I even think them, he looks at me shocked that I asked him something like that.

"What makes you think that you can ask me something like that, _transfer_?" He spits at me and the word _transfer _rings in my ears. I look at my feet embarrassed. Just by the clothes he's wearing he looks superior and makes me feel uncomfortable, he has a black shirt on and loose black pants. I'm wearing black leggings, a dark purple, loose tank top that has a rounded bottom and black flats with little bows on them.

"Why would you cry in a public area if you didn't want anyone to find you?" I protest and he glares at me.

**Tobias POV-**

I glare at Lena, who does she think she is barging in here and questioning my personal life? I barley know her, okay, now I'm just using excuses to dodge the truth. I don't want to answer her questions, I don't want to admit to myself how weak I really am now that Tris is sick.

"I wasn't crying." I lie and she smirks.

"Stop lying to yourself." She shoots at me.

"I'm not." Lie. Lie. Lie.

"Look, it's obvious that you were crying, stop trying to hide it, now tell me _why_ you were crying and I'll stop bothering you, it's that simple Four." Lena says impatiently.

"Why the hell would I talk to you?" I say so bitterly I see a wave of hurt pass over her tight face, her mouth in a bitter pucker, she folds her arms over her chest. She looks annoyed with me but I'm not sure what she wants me to say, I'm definitely not telling her why I was crying, it's none of her damn business anyways.

"When I was a still living in Candor my mom abused me, every night after work she came home and pulled her belt out of its loops. Usually she targeted my baby sister and I'd have to protect her, she's only fifteen and she's stuck back there in Candor for another year until she comes to Dauntless and joins me. She was old enough to protect herself but I was the older sister and someone had to take the pain.

"I love her, she doesn't deserve this life. I've been through hell and back and I'm unscathed, still, some nights I have nightmares of her whipping me and my sister Maggie over and over and over again. Sometimes she would lock me in my room while she beat my sister so I couldn't protect her, she's strong enough to fight back and so am I but my mom would beat us unconscious if we did. So I kept my mouth shut and took the beating every night.

"The nurse at my school played stupid for a while but then she interfered and ruined my life. It happened when my mom had slapped me over and over again for talking back to her, my nurse told the principle and the principle called my mom. My mom came in wearing a suit and said I was just very clumsy and that she would try and make sure I don't trip as often. They bought it but my mom beat me unconscious and didn't feed me for three days straight. I had to sneak up from the basement and drink water out of the faucet so she didn't know I'd ever had any.

"I chose Dauntless because I'm strong; I learned to fight by my dad. He wanted to be Dauntless but he stayed in Candor to be with my mother. He died when I was eight of a heart attack; my mom hit me the first time the day of his funeral when I was crying over his grave stone. _"No one likes a coward; you are most definitely a coward. You don't deserve to be alive, your father should have lived and you should have died you coward." _She yelled at me and called me a coward and slapped me. We were alone besides for my sister who my mom threatened to hit her too if she didn't keep her mouth shut. Things just got worse. I'm not scared of my mother, she's a drunk and she'll die soon enough, I'm scared she'll hurt Maggie into staying in Candor." Lena said every word bitterly and her eyes cold as ice. She looked like she wanted to kill someone. I want to scream, not because I knew just how she felt but rather the fact that I don't like hearing things like this.

"Wh-why are you telling me this?" I ask, stuttering.

"I told you something, now it's your turn." She says.

"How do you know I'm not going to just going to tell everyone your secret?" I challenge.

"I can see it in your eyes; you're screwed up; badly." She says and I sigh. I reach over to the table and grab another knife; I turn it over in my hand before placing it into her palm. She looks down at the knife in her hand and throws it at a target hitting dead center.

"When I was a kid my dad beat me." I say and I grab a knife and launch it at the target.

"That's all I get?" She asks smirking.

"He whipped me on the back every day, he said sometimes it was for my own good but I don't see any good in beating a worthless Stiff. And the worst part is that's not why I came here; I came here because the only person I ever told the whole story to is dying of cancer." I say and she looks at me, stunned.

"Tris has cancer?"

**Lena POV-**

"Tris has cancer?" I ask quietly to no one in particular.

"Yes, she's dying and I'm pissed at the world right now. She screams at me and ignores me and kicks me out of my own apartment and I can't say anything because she has cancer in her brain, so I throw knives and I cry in training rooms. It's not the first time and it certainly not going to be the last." He says and I feel something wet on my cheek. A single tear rolls down my face leaving a cold trail behind. I blink out another tear but neither of us acknowledges it or even pay attention to it. We just stand there in an easy silence and stare at each other.

"I'm going to leave, and if you need another therapy lesson I'll be at Tris' old apartment, me and Zayn live there." I say and I leave the room before he can respond. I don't want to know the truth about Tris anymore. I. Don't. Want. To.


	31. Chapter 31

**Okay I know that I haven't updated in forever and I'm sorry. I just started watching Doctor Who and I've been watching it all the time instead of writing so now FINALLY I'm updating. Please REVIEW! Hope you like it. -Sofia**

**Chapter Thirty-One Tris POV-**

I don't know where Tobias is but I can sense he's upset with me, maybe it's not _me _but more the fact that I made him love me and then I turned my back. It's neither of our faults. If I could've prevented getting cancer I would've gone back and done it in a heartbeat.

I had to the tattoo shop. When I first came to Dauntless I'd told myself I would never get a tattoo and now I have three. I have the Abnegation symbol, the Dauntless symbol and the little infinity on my wrist. Now I have another one in mind and I'm not sure if getting all these tattoos shows I'm crazy or shows I'm Dauntless. I think I'm a tattoo junky. I have a problem.

I've been wandering around the compound for about two hours and I need a break from wandering and the pain might distract me from all the crap that's happened so I'm going to get another tattoo now and hopefully that'll make me feel better.

I get into the tattoo shop and wave at Tori who is tattooing a rose on the shoulder blade of a pretty girl. The girl's silky brown hair is pulled up into a pony tail and slung over her shoulder so it's out of Tori's way, the girl doesn't seem to even notice that the tattoos being done. I walk over to Lena who is sitting in the corner talking to Bud and playing with the tattoo ink.

"Hey are you willing to tattoo me?" I ask her and she looks a little giddy at the sight of me.

"My hand's been cramping up a lot today so I'm just watching; I don't want to destroy any tattoos." She says and Tori walks up behind me.

"Don't worry I just finished up on Christy, I can do it." She says. I explain to her exactly what I want as a tattoo and she smiles at me.

"We can go into a private room because it you want it on your whole back and you'll have to take off your shirt so I can do that." She says and I nod.

"Mind if I watch? I haven't seen anyone do such a complex tattoo ever." Lena asks and I flash her a light smile.

"Sure, go ahead." I say and Tori guides us to a back room and I take off the loose shirt I have over my black tank top. I bunch up my tank top so Tori can access my back. Lena wipes my back with an alcohol wipe and I smell the sharp scent in the air. The wipe passes over my back and as she wipes my lower back I feel a sharp pain.

"You have like a mole on your back." Lena says and I nod.

"Yeah, it's just a mole." I lie shakily, I know what it really is; it's my skin cancer. I was told it looks just like a mole but I haven't seen any on my skin yet, until now of course.

"You know, I don't think that's it." Lena protests and I shake my head again.

"Nope, just a mole." I so shakily my words are jumbled.

"You sure?" She prods.

"It's skin cancer okay?" I snap at her and I can feel her tense in the energy she gives off.

"Sorry," She mutters and she switches stand up so Tori can sit down and tattoo my back.

I feel the familiar burn of the tattoo needle against my cold skin and everything fades away, my cancer, Tobias' sneaking around, and the rumors of the Dauntless. I'm not sure when people will start to see my tattoo considering it's on my back and I don't plan on walking around topless any time soon. I'm not sure anyone will understand it but it's sentimental to me and I feel I need to wear it on my skin like I did with the Abnegation symbol. I can't even feel the needle against my skin anymore, I'm tired. I'm really tired. No. I can't pass out here while Tori tattoos my back, I have to stay awake, I can't keep doing this to myself, I can't keep passing out. I can see it in Tobias' eyes; I've hurt him, badly. It was hard for us to open up to each other and now that he's wide open I do this to him and I hurt him.

I let my mind wander to things that I don't usually think about, I think about Will and Christina, Tobias and I, my cancer, initiation, my initiates and other things.

"I'm almost done." Tori says after a while and I look at the clock and I'm stunned; I've been here for two hours. I yawn and squeeze my eyes shut as she tattoos my lower back, now that I have nothing to distract me I feel the burn of the needle and it stings.

"Can you add just a couple words to the side?" I ask and Tori stops tattooing.

"Sure, just tell me what you want it to say." Tori says and I grin as I tell her what I want it to say.

I pull my tank top down and my back aches from the ghost of the stinging tattoo needle. Tori just finished my tattoo and now I'm heading straight home to check in with Tobias before heading to Christina's to watch a movie or whatever. I've been in the room with Tori and Lena for three hours now and I didn't tell anyone where I was, that could be slightly problematic in my case.

I leave the tattoo shop and rush back to my apartment; Tobias might be upset about how I didn't tell him where I was going to be. I get home and immediately let myself in without knocking. I step into the room to see Tobias pacing back and forth on the phone with someone. He doesn't notice me, he seems to busy with whoever's on the other line.

"So you haven't seen her? She just got out of the hospital she might've passed out!" He yells into the phone and I let the door to our apartment close behind me loudly and he stops pacing and faces me. I throw my bag on the counter and he hangs up the phone, I look into his eyes and I can't read them.

"Where have you been?" He asks calmly, choking back emotion.

"Just walking around, I would've told you but I didn't know where to find you, sorry." I lie and his eyes go back to normal.

"Okay, you just scared me, I mean I called you a bunch of times and you never answered so I panicked." He says and I nod.

"So me and Lynn and all planned on doing something fun tonight so you want to come?" I ask him.

"Do I have to?" He asks and I roll my eyes.

"Please? For your dying girlfriend?" I beg and he rolls his eyes.

He opens his mouth to respond but before he has the chance someone knocks on the door. I rush to the door and pull it open to reveal Marlene and Christina standing before me. Marlene has on sandals and a loose black sundress. Christina has on a black slanted, one-shoulder crop top and loose sweat pants. Why is Marlene in a dress and Christina in sweat pants?

"Hey put on your bathing suit." Marlene says and I frown at her.

"What happened to watching a movie?" I ask and Christina shrugs.

"Zeke showed us this awesome beach outside the compound, he and Uriah invited us to go swimming and said we could bring some friends." Christina explains and I sigh.

"Fine, but I don't have a bathing suit." I say.

"I brought you one." Marlene says holding up a little black bag with the name _Marlene _on it in curly writing.

Christina and Marlene push past me and enter my apartment without invitation and go straight into my bedroom. I groan and shut the door before turning to Tobias who wears a mocking smirk.

"Have fun with Christina." He taunts and I roll my eyes.

"If I have to go, you have to go." I say back and go follow Christina and Marlene.

All of the contents are spilled out on the bed and I see a black, strapless, sea-shell bikini. I roll my eyes at the outfit strewn across the black sheets but Christina and Marlene just smile.

"Well, are you going to put it on or not?" Christina asks and I roll my eyes.

"Let's try not." I say and Marlene sighs.

"Just put on the stupid bathing suit." Marlene says impatiently.

"I don't want to wear _this_." I whine.

"Look do you want to go swimming or not?" Marlene asks.

"I don't want to go swimming." I complain.

"Just put on the stupid bathing suit!" Marlene says impatiently and I groan but get changed anyways, I'm unfazed by changing in front of people after initiation where everyone got changed in one room. I walk over to my dresser and throw on sweat pants and a loose t-shirt before turning around to see a confused Christina.

"What do you have tattooed on your back?" She asks anxiously.

"Nothing, it's nothing important." I say putting on a hat.

"Seriously what is it?" She asks looking curious.

"Does it matter?" I ask tiredly.

"No, I guess not." She sighs.

We walk out of the bedroom and into the living room where Tobias is sitting on the couch drinking a bottle of water.

"Put on a bathing suit and meet us at Zeke's." I say grabbing my keys of the counter and walking out followed by Christina and Marlene.

We head straight to Zeke's apartment to meet with Lynn, Uriah and Zeke so they can show us where the beach is. We get inside the apartment and I see Lynn sitting on the kitchen counter, Zeke throwing a ball up and down as he sits on the couch and Uriah eating an apple and standing next to Lynn. Marlene and Christina walk over to Uriah and stand up and I hop up onto the counter and sit next to Lynn.

"So when are we going?" I ask and Zeke shrugs.

"As soon as Four gets here, I texted him and asked him to come." Zeke says.

We wait and talk until finally the door opens and Tobias walks in and we can finally leave the compound. We walk out the back entrance in silence and out into the night. The sun is almost down so I can see the sunset faintly but I can also see a couple stars dotting the sky.

Zeke leads us past the train tracks and through a couple trees until I can faintly hear waves crashing in the distance. I don't remember if I've ever even been swimming because Abnegation forbids us to you anything for your own enjoyment. I know what swimming is because I'm not a complete idiot but I'm not sure if I can swim because I don't even know if I've ever been swimming.

We get to a clearing and the grass changes to sand, I slip of my shoes and walk barefoot on the sand which is still warm even now that the sun is down. We all rush down the sand and Christina shoves Uriah so he falls down and is covered in sand. She runs down the beach and lays down her towel before arranging her stuff on the towel.

Christina and Marlene strip down to their bathing suits and I see that Christina is wearing a black, strapless bikini with fringe on it and Marlene has on an identical one. Lynn takes off her clothes to reveal a one-piece swim suit that has a scoop neck back. Uriah and Zeke catch up and run straight into the ocean and I strip out of my clothes so I'm in my bathing suit. I hear Tobias come up behind me and I grin when I realize what's tattooed on my back. I got a Ferris Wheel tattooed on my back and next to it Tori tattooed the words '_Fear Doesn't Shut you Down it Wakes you Up'. _

"Hmm I wonder where you got that quote." Tobias jokes and I turn around to see him standing behind me. I knew he would have something to say about the quote on my back considering the fact that he was the one who said it to me.

"Oh, nowhere special." I say back and he rolls his eyes. "Do you plan on showing everyone your tattoo and explaining it?"

"Nott right now." He says and I nod.

"You coming in?" I ask and he rolls his eyes at me.  
>"No I thought I'd just sit here and stare at the ocean." He says sarcastically.<p>

I turn around to see Uriah running out of the water, he runs up to Marlene and throws her over his shoulder and she shrieks. He carries her into the water until the waters above his waist and throws her into the water causing her to scream with joy. Lynn runs in after them and slowly Tobias wades in and talks to Zeke, leaving Christina and I standing alone on the shore.

I spread out my towel on the sand and sit down. My chest tightens as soon as I'm sitting and I take in a shaky breath, it's hard to breathe right now so I'm just going to sit here a while. I watch as Marlene and Uriah splash each other and listen as my breaths get heavier and heavier and it hurts more and more.

Christina walks over and sits next to me on my towel and smiles lightly at me. She looks at me a minute and I look at her.

"Turn around so I can see your back." She demands and I do as told so she can see my tattoo.

"You like it?" I ask after I turned back around to face her and she stares at me in amazement.

"Where'd you find that quote? It's really cool." She says and I smile when I remember that it was Tobias who had said that to me during initiation.

"Just overheard it somewhere." I lie, I'm not sure Tobias wants everyone to know that he actually can say something like that.

"Are you going in?" She asks and I let out a heavy breath that's been building up.

"I'm not sure, I'm a little tired." I confess and she frowns.

"You're always going to be tired Tris, you aren't going to be any less tired if you sit here. Tris, you're dying, we all know it, do you really want to spend the rest of your life sitting in the sidelines watching everyone? You chose Dauntless, you chose to be free, you chose to fight." Christina protests and I smile.

"Your right, let's go." I say standing up and I hold out a hand to help her onto her feet.

I look out to the ocean where Uriah and Marlene are still splashing each other and Lynn is swimming out as far as she can. Christina jogs into the water and I rush after her to keep up, together we dive under the water and swim until I can't find any place to stand. I keep swimming out, the waters cold but the night air was hot and sticky so it feels nice. My lungs start to burn from being under water this long but I ignore it and keep swimming out, my arms are sore from the constant movement but I keep swimming.

I keep swimming until I start to feel tired and I think I might fall asleep and then I come up to the surface and breathe. I open my eyes, smile and look around to see Christina staring at me in disbelief, she's pretty far in front of me but I can see the look in her eyes. Christina's eyes widen and I turn to see a huge wave coming down from behind me and by the time I catch my breath it's too late.

The wave crashes down and I'm knocked under the surface of the water. I still haven't quite caught my breath so my lungs burn and I feel as if I swallowed a lit match. Everything around me is black and no matter what direction I go I can't find the surface. I can't get out. I want to scream but I'll just get water in my mouth and lungs if I do so. I feel the pressure of the water crashing in waves around me. I know it's a terrible idea but I can't help but scream and I feel the salty water fill my mouth and immediately regret screaming.

I feel the weight of the water and feel myself slowly drifting downward despite my efforts. I feel something strong wrap around my wrist and for a moment I face the terrible truth that I may be drowning. The thing around my wrist drags me upward and I try and yank my wrist free but the grip is too strong. I struggle to break free with everything I have left in me, what is holding my wrist?

The thing holding my wrist yanks upward and I'm above water. I gasp for air and it takes me a minute to finally regain full sight. I see that Christina is the one holding my wrist and I yank it back and rub my sore wrist. She smirks at me and I look at her weird.

"You were under water for over a minute and all you care about is your stupid wrist?" Christina says in disbelief.

"Yeah, you have a death grip and I had an IV in just this morning." I complain.

"Aren't you supposed to be Dauntless? Suck it up." Christina taunts. I look around and see Lynn swimming out as deep as she can, Marlene and Uriah racing through the water, and Tobias and Zeke just talking out deep.

"Come on, everyone's out deeper, no one noticed that you were in the water besides me." She explains and I nod before we both start swimming out towards everyone.

Once we're out I see Uriah splashing Zeke and swimming off so Zeke starts to chase after his little brother leaving Tobias alone. Christina swims to catch up with Marlene who is now out with Lynn. I break off and swim towards Tobias who doesn't notice me at first but eventually he sees me.

I stop once I'm close enough to him and take a minute to catch my breath, lately I've been tired a lot easier. The water is up to my shoulders here in the water.

"Where'd you go earlier when you left?" I ask him.

"I was just walking around." He says and shrugs it off but I can tell by the look in his eyes that he's lying to me. I don't interrogate because if he wanted me to tell me the truth of where he was he wouldn't have lied.

"I'm sorry." I say and I mean it, I'm not sure what I'm sorry about but I feel sorry. There are so many things I have to be sorry for but none of them are actually my fault. It used to confuse me, why people apologized for things that weren't their fault but now I get it, we do it so the other person knows we feel sympathetic.

"For what?" He asks quirking up and eyebrow.

"None of it, all of it, I don't know." I say and he smiles a kind smile that made the whole world fade away around me.

"It's not your fault, you didn't ask for this, it's no one's fault." He sighs and I press my forehead to his.

"If it's anyone's fault its mine, I mean I'm the one who let this happen to myself, I'm the one who let you love me. This _is _my fault, if anyone's. I did this to everyone." I say as the reality of everything comes creeping in; I did this to everyone. When I got cancer I hurt everyone around me and everyone I love.

"Tris you can't blame yourself for everything that's happened; none of this is your fault, no one saw this coming. I mean if we had seen it coming you would've went in earlier so you could get it treated before it got as bad is it is."

"I love you Tobias and I want to be with you for my very short forever." I whisper and he pulls me so close that I can feel his heart beat pounding against my own. I notice it's almost as fast as mine; he's nervous around me too.

He leans down and kisses me lightly and I pull myself against him and feel his warmth and let everything else fade away until it's just us two. I kiss him harder but not sloppily like Christina and Will kiss, but rather insistent. Tobias' arms move slowly up to the small of my back, I shiver at the feel of his hands on my bare skin which is tingling at contact and I can feel Tobias smirking against my lips. I strengthen my grip on his shoulders and he holds me tighter. We stand there like this, kissing, until I hear someone shouting and finally I pull away.

"Like I said before, PDA." Lynn calls from deeper out and Marlene giggles. I roll my eyes and turn back to Tobias who just raises his eyebrows at me.

"What did she say?" He asks and I can hear the confusion in his voice but I shake my head.

"Nothing," I say and he nods.

We spend the rest of the night swimming and fooling around in the ocean until finally we all go home and sleep.


	32. Chapter 32

**I'm sorry it's been a while but I've been really busy lately and I'm sorry. Before you read this listen to the song _Waiting Game _by **_**Banks**_**, it's on the Divergent soundtrack and it is so perfect... Also all credits to Cassie Clare for the one quote... Credits The Lumineers, the song Stubborn Love... Hope you likey -Sofia**

**Chapter Thirty-Two Cass POV-**

I've heard the rumors, I mean who in Dauntless hasn't? They've changed though. At first everyone expected her to be suicidal since she was in the psych ward but that was three weeks ago and since then a lot has changed around here. She got a job at the tattoo shop to earn more points, to pay her hospital bills I suspect. Now people are saying that she's dying of cancer. I don't know what kind or why people think this but everyone's saying that's what it is.

I don't know what to think about this situation anymore. All I know is that I'm a terrible person. All this time I've been trying to break her and Four up and now I find out that there is a possibility she's dying of cancer. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore and it's not because of the fact that Tris is dying but rather the fact that I don't really care.

I walk into the Pit and look around trying to find a familiar face. I don't see anyone so I head straight to the clothing store. Since I can't have Four I'll find someone. I walk towards a rack of dresses and spot Jade, I knew I would find her here. She looks up and as soon as she sees me she smiles a smile so innocent I would've mistaken her for nice if I didn't know her. At first glance Jade looked happy but the look in her eyes concerns me.

"I met Tris' friend Uriah. Want to know how I found out Tris is friends with the Dauntless born trainer?" She asks without looking up from the rack of clothes she's looking through. She doesn't wait for me to respond. "I saw a cute Dauntless boy in the Pit when I was on my way here so I couldn't help but say something. He seemed like nothing more than your average Dauntless boy so I brought up the one topic everyone is talking about; Tris. I told him that I think she's faking it all and I swear to god he looked like it was taking everything he had not to punch me in the face. He told me that she was his friend and I couldn't help but ask the truth and he told me." Jade looks up at me and I can see a mix of sympathy and terror in her dark eyes. "Cass, **_all the stories are true__."_(Yes, I am in the Mortal Instruments fandom and I couldn't help myself. Btw- All rights to Cassie Clare on that quote.)**

"What do you mean _all the stories are true?" _The question is pointless; I know what she's trying to say. Tris is really dying. There's nothing to say.

"I thought that you would want to know that considering you're trying to break her and Four up." Jade says quietly and I close my eyes briefly. If I was still the same girl I was when I was still in erudite I would come up with some pathetic excuse like _'I didn't know she was going to get cancer' _but I'm no longer that girl. Or am I? The first thing that I thought when I found out that Tris might be dying was that excuse. Maybe I am still Cassidy, the self-possessed Erudite girl who truly didn't give a damn about anything about anything besides herself. Am I still that girl? Deep down inside me I know the answer to that question and it's clear, now more then ever, that I've been hiding it. I am not Dauntless. My first instinct, even in battle, will always be self-preservation.

The aptitude test told me that I was Candor and that's because all I want to say right now is that in the comfort of my heart I really don't give a shit about Tris and her crappy cancer. I've been denying myself the simple pleasures that Dauntless is offering, I could fall in love, I could be strong. I could have Four. All this time I've been attempting to convince myself that I do care about Tris but really I don't and that shows me that I chose wrongly. I actually chose Dauntless because at the choosing ceremony three years ago my brother Kyle chose Candor and I sure as hell don't want to be with him. He's a jerk, he used to hit me and taunt me and no one cared. Kyle doesn't deserve my presence anymore then I deserve to be deprived of love because I don't fit in.

"I've got to go." Jade says and she leaves me alone in the store. If I want to fall in love and get over Four then I'm going to have to get out of this dang store and meet someone. It's time to move on from Four because it doesn't look like Four is going to buckle until after Tris is dead.

**Tris POV-**

Tobias stands on the opposite side of the counter then me, we don't talk we just stare at each other. He slides the small, black, velvet box across the counter at me for about the tenth time and I slide it back slightly annoyed. Out of all the times we've slid it back and forth I haven't opened it once. I don't want to see whatever ring is inside, I know I don't want it.

"Just open the stupid box and wear the stupid ring." Tobias grumbles obviously bored with this stupid situation.

"I don't want the stupid ring. What would make you think I want the stupid ring?" I ask annoyed.

"Tell that to poor Christina." He says and I groan, why must Christina do this to me?

"I don't want the stupid friendship ring!" I shout even though I'm not mad at Tobias but rather Christina and her girlyness.

"Then tell her that! It's not that difficult." He shoots at me. I'm exhausted. I am so tired I can't even think. Last week I needed to get the water drained from around my lungs and finally last night I was discharged but I'm still not fully back from the surgery. My brain is fuzzy from the chemo and I can't hold anything down for more than twenty minutes.

"Come on, you know you love me so much you're going to go and tell Christina I don't want it while I stay here and sleep." I beg and put my hands on top of his on the counter.

"You don't always have to be right, you know?" He says and I walk around the counter towards him. Tobias brushes his lips against my forehead before walking out of our apartment.

The truth is that I'm not really _that _tired but I really don't want to go and tell Christina to return her stupid rings. The other day Christina and I were shopping and she found these two little rings with the Dauntless symbol etched into them. She really wanted to buy them but I didn't, I still don't. But she, knowing Christina, bought the stupid rings anyways and expects me to where my one even though I don't want it.

A lots been happening lately and I haven't had enough time to just sit back and think. Usually as soon as I stop moving I'm too tired to even breathe but right now I feel fine for once. I haven't been able to do anything physically lately and if there was ever a time to catch up it would be now. In a couple of months I'll have to train the new initiates again- that is if I'm alive- and I don't want to be behind on my own training.

After a little bit of consideration I change into a black sports bra and black shorts that make it halfway down my thighs. Before I leave to the training room I fill up a water bottle and do my makeup. I know I'm just going to the training room but Christina has convinced me to line my eyes every day. When I line my eyes I look less tired and because of my stupid cancer I always look tired even when I'm not.

Walking through the Pit almost feels foreign, it's been so long since I've actually done something besides sleep and go to the hospital. When the rumors had just started people would stare at me in disgust and whisper to the people around them but now only few people notice me and they don't care.

Surprisingly when I get to the training room I'm still not tired, usually it only takes a few moments of walking until I'm tired. I open my black training bag and put on some music so it's not silent.

Immediately I go straight to the knife table and pick up a small, silver dagger with a black handle. Without even thinking I slam the knife into the target and it hits dead center. I pick up knife after knife and they hit dead center every time but I keep throwing until I'm convinced that I don't need any more practice with knife throwing. I've never been perfect at shooting so I head towards the table across the room that holds all the guns. I slip a key out of my pocket and unlock the safe in the wall that holds all the ammunition.

I pick up a heavy black gun and aim at the target, the gun's a little heavy but I've gotten used to holding guns. During initiation it felt odd to hold such a lethal item and now it just feels odd not to. I drown out everything besides the gun and the music blaring in my ears and pull the trigger. The bullet hit the center of the target and I let out a breath. Before shooting again I pull my IPod out of my pocket and turned up the volume so loud I knew I was going to have a headache later- I was right- but I didn't really care. I put the small gun I was holding up and replaced it with a larger one which I shot repeatedly until I ran out of bullets so the gun just made this loud clicking sound instead of firing.

I set the gun down and give myself a moment to just catch my breath. I listen closely to the music until a certain lyric stands out;

**_It's better to feel pain then nothing at all_**

Well that sounds like a loud of crap until you realize how true it is. During initiation I'd rather face my worst fears and be beat up repeatedly then join the empty factionless. I chose pain over nothing. And then again now, I chose to fight rather than die. I chose pain over nothing.

I push that out of my mind and walk towards the punching bags. I slam my fists into the fabric so hard that my knuckles crack and bleed but I ignore the pain and keep punching and kicking. For a moment I stopped punching, I'm not sure why but I just stopped punching and spun around to see Ian standing in the doorway with Mark and Cass.

They don't offer any greeting so neither do I, instead I just walk over to my speakers which are sitting on the gun table and turn up _Waiting Game _to make it clear I don't want to talk to them. I walk back to the punching bags and look over my shoulder to see the three of them just standing there and another boy I recognize from the fear landscapes; Ranger. His hair is now black with tips the color of blood.

"What do you want?" I spit at them and I notice that Ian is staring at my bare legs and stomach which makes my insides twist. I look at Ranger and Mark and they're staring at the same places which makes me want to punch them. On my left hip bone I had Tori tattoo a black cancer ribbon right after the night on the beach. That tattoo is the only thing keeping me from covering my stomach, I try and reassure myself that that's why they're staring at my stomach but by the look in Ian's eyes I know it's not.

"I want Four." Cass blurts out and Ian snaps out of his pathetic daze.

"Sucks to be you then." I say.

"I don't care if you're dying, I want Four!" Cass whines pathetically and I can't help but smirk.

"So basically you came here to whine like a little coward because the boy you currently have a crush on doesn't like you back? Why do you need a crowd?" I ask and I put my hands on my hips trying to look annoyed, which I am.

"No I brought them for something else, and by the way you're the coward, not me you pathetic bitch. The only reason you hate me is because you're jealous Four loves me and no one will ever love your ugly-ass face." Cass shoots defensively.

"Yep, you're a coward and you know you're one too. That's why you're getting all defensive." I say and I take a few steps towards them.

"Shut up!" She shrieks and I know I pushed her just hard enough,

"No, now tell me why they're here." I say motioning to the boys standing around her.

"Ranger, Ian, Mark, show Tris why I brought you." Cass demands and as she does Ranger, Mark and Ian all rush towards me.

Cass pulls out a camera and before I can put two and two together Ranger pulls my arms behind my back. And then I figure it out. I decide to trick them and let Ian hold me up by my ankles and Ranger hold me by my shoulders. Cass wears a grin that makes me so happy; she thinks she's won. She looks a little confused about how I don't fight them but clearly she doesn't read into it.

"Set her down so I can do what needs to be done." She says clearly trying to make it seem like a scene from an action movie. Ranger lowers me to the ground but keeps a loose grip on my shoulders. Ian keeps a hold on my ankle and sits in a squat so he can hold them. Cass locks eyes with him and slowly his hand creeps up my leg but I act like I'm giving up.

"What are you going to do to me?" I ask even though I know what she's going to do, she hates me enough that she's going to want photos. She's going to try and kill me. Cass motions to Mark who grab a knife from the center of the target and holds it to my throat. What they don't know is that Rangers grip is loose, so loose I think it's purposely loose. I have a knife in my back pocket.

"I'm going to kill you, and then I'm going to have Four fall in love with me." Cass says cheerfully. "Alright, whenever you want to Mark."

Slowly I inch my wrist towards my back pocket. I feel Ranger look down at my wrist and he loosens his grip even more. I jerk my wrist back fast enough that no one but Ranger notices and I pull the knife out of my pocket. Ranger knees Ian in the head and let's go of me and I punch Mark in the shoulder before he realizes what's happening. He spins around and I punch him in the throat. I lunge at Cass and press her against the wall, I flick my knife up to her throat and she gasps. Cass breathes heavy and I knee her wrist until the camera falls from her grasp.

Someone grabs me from behind and I feel a sharp yet familiar pain in my neck that means someone is injecting something into my blood. I feel liquid dripping down towards my collar bone and I realize that it's not a needle; Mark cut my neck lightly. I thrust my elbow back into his stomach and he groans.

"Now, I have two options; I could let you go or I could kill all three of you. Personally I like option two, but it's up to you." I say.

"There's four of us." She croaks and I touch the knife to her throat just enough that a trickle of blood reaches the surface of her skin.

"Yeah, but I plan on sparing Ranger. Now choose!" I demand.

"Let me go and I promise I'll leave you alone forever, no promises for Ian though; he's in love with you." She says and I loosen my grasp on her enough so that I can turn my head to see Ian sprawled on the floor with a cut and bruise on his forehead from where Ranger kneed him. Ian's eyes are trained as well as Marks and Rangers. It takes me a minute to remember the Ferris wheel on my back.

"Nice tattoo." Ian says quietly.

"If you like me why are you attempting to kill me?" I ask smirking at his pathetic I-love-you-eyes.

"We weren't going to kill you, Cass did this all so I could be a hero and rebel against her and Mark and all. But then Ranger did it so I suppose you love him know. I like the tattoo by the way." He says lamely.

"I don't love Ranger, I'm just grateful, which is about as good as it gets for me." I say.

"Why do you have a Ferris wheel on your back? And why 'Fear Doesn't Shut You Down It Wakes You Up'?" Ranger asks and I grin.

"Let's just say I had an amazing initiation." I say and it's partially true. On one hand Al betrayed me but I did fall in love with Four too.

After a moment's hesitation I release Cass and grab my bag off the table an turn off my speakers. I glance up at the cameras, grin and wave. Cass frowns in confusion but I just ignore her. Before leaving I walk over to Ranger and look at him. He stares down at me and I can tell he understands. Without a word I leave the training room.

The only person I want to see is Tobias and I know exactly where to find him; the control room. If Zeke were the one in the control room he would've sent Uriah or someone as soon as he saw the knife at my throat, but Tobias knows I can take a few initiates. He believes in my strength so he didn't send help.

I make my way to the control room with my bag slung over my shoulder. Once I get inside I see Tobias sitting down staring at the screens all over the room. My eyes wander to the one in the training room and I see Ranger and Mark have left and Cass and Ian are making out. Tobias stands up and walks towards me.

"Where were you?" He asks clearly playing dumb.

"I know you saw and heard all of that." I say and he smirks at me.

"I may or may not have been watching the whole time." He says and he wraps his arms around my waist.

"I'm not tired, that could be a good sign." I say and he pulls me closer to him.

"Let's not get our hopes up, okay?" He says. I stand on my tip toes and press my lips to his. He pulls away slightly and I wrap my arms around his neck.

He stares down at me and I stare up at him. Finally he cranes his neck and kisses me. I back up a few steps and he presses my hips gently to the wall. I feel his hands on my bare stomach and smile as I kiss him harder this time. I run my fingers lightly through his hair and he picks me up. I wrap my legs around his waist and he takes one arm off me and puts it against the wall so it supports most my weight. I hear something unlatch but I ignore it and take my hand from his hair and put it on the back of his neck and pull him closer to me.

Then, to my surprise, we hear someone clear their throat. Tobias pulls away and puts me down, I turn to see Zeke raising his eyebrows at us and I feel my face get hot.

"Seriously?" Zeke asks in disbelief. I scratch my forehead.

"I'm going to go give the ring back to Christina since clearly you didn't." I say trying to act like that never happened.

Tobias pulls the box out of his pocket and tosses it to me. I run out the control room as fast as I can without looking back. I don't stop running until I get to Christina's apartment door and I lean on the wall panting. That was embarrassing, for one thing we were making out. Then there's the part where he's holding me and lastly the part where I'm only wearing shorts and a sports bra. I don't mind being this exposed anymore, I'm used to it because of initiation, but to be wearing that little clothes in that certain situation. I press my back to the wall next to the door and slide down the wall to the floor. I keep panting until the door opens and Christina steps out and looks down at me on the floor.

"Are you okay?" She asks and I'm not sure the answer, my lungs burn but not in a bad I-have-cancer way, but more like when you're tired after a long run.

"Yeah, I was just working out in the training room, I'm just a little tired." I lie. Christina holds out a hand and helps me to my feet before dragging me into her apartment by my wrist. As soon as we're inside she pulls me to the couch and I yank my wrist back

"What?" I ask and she walks to the fridge, grinning. I follow her. "What? What is it, Christina?"

"You were blushing." She says.

"What?" I ask again.

"When you were sitting on the ground you were blushing, something tells me you weren't training." She says and I blush as I tell her what really happened.

"And while we were kissing Zeke may or may not have walked in." I say and she tosses me a water bottle.

"Poor you, anyways Will is coming back from the fence, he was offered a government job and he's taking it. I'm not sure exactly what he's doing but he's in charge of how we train the initiates." She says.

"Cool."

"Can I tell you something?" She asks. I nod. "Will proposed."

"What'd you say?"

"I said yes. Tris?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm getting married."


	33. Chapter 33

**Okay I'm so sorry it's been a while since I've posted but my dance recital is inn seven weeks and that may seem like a long time but it isn't so we've been having extra classes and I've been practicing instead of writing. I might be able to post the next chapter tomorrow because I've already started it because everything started to play out in my mind for the next couple chapters so I'm going to be typing nonstop considering it's my spring break this week. Okay I hope you enjoy it. Oh and I hate those writers who say that they'll only post if they get so many reviews and I promise I won't be that writer. But reviews do help me get better at writing and help me come up with new chapters so they do help. Anyways PLEASE REVIEW. Love you guys**

**Chapter Thirty Three Christina POV-**

"I'm really happy for you, Christina." Tris says softly and I know she means it by the look in her eyes. I was worried she'd be jealous because Four clearly isn't the type of guy who's going to propose. At first I was the jealous one because Tris seemed so in love with Four, and, well, he's not at all hard on the eyes. But now I've seen who Four really is and I am stunned he's still hanging around. I feel bad for Tris because I swear to god she's madly in love with Four and he doesn't seem like the guy who will ever say it back and if he does it'll be lies. I don't trust Four anymore but there's no use now; Tris is already falling and pretty soon she's going to slam onto the cold hard ground of reality while I'm over here marrying the boy of my dreams.

"I'm really happy too, I love him so much." I squeak. Maybe I can convince her to go shopping and I can convince her to go out with Uriah and something.

"So when did Will propose?" Tris asks and I shrug but on the inside I'm writhing with joy.

"Last night when he told me he was coming back for good, he'll be here in a couple days. So, since you love me, do you want to go shopping?" I beg and she sighs exaggeratedly

"Fine but I want to be home by nine, I was working out today and I don't want to overdo anything." Tris says clearly reluctantly.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all an act; her hating being girly and saying she's ugly. Tris is stunning, her features are delicate and simple, and when she lines her eyes she looks strong. If she wanted too Tris could look so perfect if she just wore tighter clothes and stopped hiding herself in Four's oversized shirts. I swear to god I'm not even sure sometimes whether she's wearing her own clothes or Four's because she wears such ill-fitted clothes. Maybe I'm just jealous, Tris is so small, sweet; delicate and I'm… Not.

**Tris POV-**

Christina stares at me across the counter and I know she's deep in thought so I don't interrupt her by speaking just yet. I have a lot on my own mind too so it's nice just to have these couple moments to regroup my mind before we leave. Today I was training for an hour and now I'm going shopping and I'm surprisingly not tired yet.

Things have been good between me and Tobias lately but I'm not sure if the peace is sincere or if it's just because I'm dying and he doesn't want to pick a fight with me. I know he loves me but it seems like there's something he's not telling me. Like when he told me not to get my hopes up I felt shocked he would say something like that, why would he downplay something this big? Today I'm having a good day and I think we shouldn't waste that, I want to do something productive and staying in and going to bed early as usual isn't something I want to do right now so I'm going to go out with Christina and shop.

"You ready to go?" I ask after a while and she smiles sweetly at me.

"Can we talk about something?" She asks and I see the regret in her eyes as soon as she realizes what she just asked me.

"Oh god, is this the part where you tell me you're madly in love with me and you killed Four just so you could have a chance?" I joke and she giggles.

"No, but this has something to do with Four." She says and all the joy inside me drains. Maybe I was right, maybe he's sick of me and it's obvious to everyone but me because I'm so in love I'm blind. God, since when did I become so stupid? Since when did I care about what some guy thinks about me?

"Sure but can you tell me as we're shopping? I don't want to waste any time." I ask and she flashes me an awkward smile.

Christina insisits I wait for her to change out of her sweat pants and t-shirt into a tight black shirt with a plunging V-neck, skinny jeans and heels so tall she almost towers above me. I wait as she smudges golden eye shadow on her eyelids and lines her eyes with a thick black pencil. She tries to convince me to put on make-up too but I just ask for a hoodie to put on because I'm starting to get cold in just a sports bra and shorts. She tosses me a plain black hoodie with the word _love _written in curly letters on the front of it.

Christina gathers her things and she starts to tell me what she wants to say as we leave her apartment. I have to be honest I'm a little worried as to what she has to say on my love life. It's not like she really knows what my love life is like considering whenever Tobias is around anyone but me he acts all cold and dead inside. No one else really knows the truth about who he is but me and sometimes that makes me feel good and yet other times it makes life too complex because no one else really understands who he is.

"So what did you want to talk about?" I ask Christina as we walk down one of the dim lit hallways in the Dauntless compound.

"Well, I have a question for you but I'm still trying to figure out how exactly to put it without being rude." Christina says in a tone I can't read. I look over at her face and see she wears a blank expression.

"Just tell me, I don't care if it's rude." I say and she slows her walking pace.

"What do you see in Four? I mean he's dead inside. I don't mean to be rude but I don't think he's the right guy for you. You know for a split second before Will kissed me I believed I wasn't good enough but it only took a second to realize I was. But when you look at Four it seems like you don't think you're good enough for him but if you ask me, I could argue the opposite." Christina says kindly and for a second after she says it I want to slap her but then I remind myself she's just trying to be nice.

She's right though; I don't deserve him. Every time I see him I'm reminded that I'll never be good enough no matter how hard I try. But maybe that's okay, maybe that's how it's supposed to be. I'm not sure what to say back, I mean there's a reason why he acts cold but how can I explain to Christina why I love him without explaining his whole childhood. I just stop walking, turn to Christina and stare into her eyes. I can tell by the look in them that she's not trying to be cruel, she's just confused. Truly confused.

"I could tell you why I love him and what I see in him but what's the fun in that? I'm the only person in this compound who knows who he really is and I like that, I like being different. You'll never get the truth out of me, all I'm going to say is that we all have her secrets and some are meant to be told, but others are not." As the words pour out I feel good, I've never tried to be mysterious like this before but the words feel fluent on my tongue.

"I'm sorry I asked." Christina says plainly and I know she means it so I keep walking and she follows me.

"Its fine Christina, I'm used to no one understanding. So where to first?" I ask Christina as we walk into the Pit. She takes my wrist and pulls me to a jewelry store and I try to dig my heels into the ground but she pulls me into anyways. This is going to be torture.

The jewelry store is all diamond rings and gold chains with black pendants. I don't see the point in piercings, I mean you're paying someone to stab a hole in your skin. Christina is looking at a sterling chain with a pink crystal heart hanging from it. I take the necklace from her and look at the price and I'm shocked.

"How could you ever afford this?" I ask and she shrugs.

"Will's new job has great pay, he's already gotten two pay checks and he hasn't even started. If you ever need any points for your chemo or anything just ask." Christina says putting the necklace down and picking up a black bracelet with little red gem stones on it hanging from it's sides. She slips it into the little bag she holds to carry the things she's going to buy. It already has two things in it.

"Don't worry, I don't need your points. The tattoo shop has a lot of business and the more business the more I make." I say.

After a while of looking at necklace after necklace and standing in line for what seems like hours Christina takes me out of the jewelry store and guides me to a clothing store. Trying on clothes isn't much better then staring at jewels I could never afford but I'm sick of all the glittering jewelry.

We walk into the clothing store and she takes me straight to a rack of red dresses, pulls out the shortest one and shoves it towards me. I don't take the dress, I can tell by the look of it on the hanger that it may was well be a t-shirt. These are the types of dresses that Christina's been trying to make me wear since initiation and luckily I've managed to never buy one. She says that they accent girls' curves but I think that if you want to wear that little clothes then you might as well not wear anything.

"Please try the dress on?" Christina begs and I shake my head.

"Why do I need a dress that tight? Seriously, where's the other half?" I ask but I take the dress anyways, she can make me try it on but she can't make me buy it and wear it.

"Well I want to have an engagement party, I hear Uriah and Zeke throw great parties." Christina says and I groan. I hate parties. You would assume that since have cancer she wouldn't force me to go to some stupid party but she's Christina and she just got engaged and that cancels out the cancer.

"Please don't make me go to this party, I might be tired-," I try but she cuts me off.

"No, you are coming to both engagement parties." She says and I'm confused.

"Both?" I question and she looks at me like I'm crazy.

"We're going to have an informal party tonight right after I announce the news to everyone at dinner. I talked to Uriah about t earlier and he agreed to host the party after dinner and he bought beer and stuff. The second party will be black tie and it'll be fancy. We'll have that one a couple days after Will gets back." Christina explains and I roll my eyes at her. That's very Christina, only she would have two parties.

"I'm not going to the one tonight, I don't go to parties like that. I was a Stiff, I don't do alcohol, and you know that." I complain even though I know it's no use.

"You have to be there for at least a half an hour, please?" She asks and I'm shocked, I assumed she'd say that I had to stay and whine if I said no until I said yes.

"Oh thank god!" I say relieved and she looks at me like I'm insane.

"But," she starts and I groan, "You're going to have to wear whatever I tell you too and I get to do your makeup."

"No. No way I'm wearing anything you put me in for a party." I object but she just grins an evil grin.

"It's either that or you have to stay for the whole party, and I'll be sure to make it last at least four hours." Christina says with a cruel glint in her eyes.

"Fine." I mumble with defeat and she pushes me towards the dressing room with a few dresses small enough to be shirts.

I peel off my clothes and slide on the first dress she picked out for me. I open the door slightly so Christina can come into the large dressing room and zip up the dress. I thought the shorts I were wearing were short but clearly I was wrong. The dress barely makes it to my thighs and it clings tightly to me curve-less waist. The neck line plunges down and makes me look even more child-like. It's made out of a leather-like material and it has a red belt with a black meta buckle, the belt matches the red trim at the bottom of the dress. I look like some slutty Dauntless girl who is desperate. In other words, I look pathetic.

"You look beautiful." Christina says in awe. "I mean your tattoo shows a little at the top but otherwise you look so beautiful."

"No. I don't care what I wear as long as it's long enough to qualify as a dress." I complain and she shakes her head at me.

"Just try on the next on, and try to be less grumpy." Christina says and leaves the dressing room so I can change.

It takes a while to squeeze out of the skin tight dress I had on before. The next one I have to try on is made out of a lace material and hangs down to my ankles. It's long sleeved but the material it lace so it's see-through and shows my pale, boney skin. I turn around to see luckily the material covers my whole back. When I first saw the dress I thought it'd be all lace but it covers where it needs to. I pull my hair up in the messy bun and let Christina into the dressing room. Judging by the smirk on her face I'm going to be here for a long, long time trying on dress after dress after dress.

This dress is horrid. Maybe some tan Dauntless girl could pull it off but I most definitely cannot pull off this look. Christina could, but I'm not Christina.

"I hate it." I say directly and Christina nods.

"Me too, you're too pale to pull it off." She says and I shook her a look in the mirror.

"Thanks." I sneer at her.

"You only have two more dresses to try on, I'm going to go and pick out some more for you." Christina says and she starts out of the dressing room.

"Make sure it's long enough!" I call out after her but I know she won't listen to me.

I pull the next dress off the hanger and slip it on. It doesn't even make it halfway down my thighs but it's the longer then the first one I tried on. It's black and short but it has a ball-gown bottom. Thankfully it has thin spaghetti straps but the top half is glittery and too girly for my taste but perfect for Christina's. The skirt is full and the back is shaped in a v and shows my boney shoulder blades. No one cares if you're boney but I do, it's just one of the reminders that I have cancer. The one thing that makes me happy is that it shows off my whole tattoo.

I twirl around and the skirt flies up and I'm suddenly glad I kept my shorts on even though Christina told me not to. Christina rushes into the dressing room with a pair of heels so tall I'm not sure how I'm supposed to walk with them.

"So I was looking for dresses when I came across these adorable shoes so I had to come straight here." Christina explains.

"How tall are they?" I ask her.

"Ten inches." She says and I roll my eyes

"I'm wearing flats." I demand and she shakes her head.

"No flats, flats make the whole outfit look dumpy." She protests and I groan.

"Just leave me alone so I can try on another one of your overly short dresses." I complain and she leaves.

The last dress is loose and made out of a black mesh material but it has loose, silky material that covers half of my thighs and up, it's almost like a dress under it. It's hangs down almost to my ankles in the back and in the front it hangs just a little above my knees. It has a mesh collar and a pocket on the left side, right above my heart. It's button-down on the top half and loose and flowing on the bottom.

This is the first dress Christina picked out that I actually like. It's a little tighter around my waist but not so tight that it touches my skin. It's not fitted like the other ones but instead it's loose and soft. I call Christina in but she doesn't react to the dress the way I want her to.

"It's not short enough, I'll go grab some more dresses." Christina says and starts out but I stop her.

"I really like this dress and it's not too short, please, you're the one who picked it out. Let me wear this one." I beg and she groans.

"Fine but you have to stay for at least an hour because you're partially breaking our deal." Christina says tiredly.

After she leaves I change out of the dress and into my shorts and Christina's hoodie. Christina picks out a small, brown leather-like purse with a pattern cut out of it that hangs off of my shoulder and hits my hip bone. And after a little bit of begging Christina agrees to let me get a pair of brown lace up combat boots. Great. Make-up time.

**Please REVIEW. It'll only take a few seconds :)**


	34. Chapter 34

**THIS IS AN UPDATE! FINALLY! I had already started the party chapter so that's what I did, I didn't want to make you wait any longer. Please REVIEW! Enjoy. -Sofia**

**Chapter Thirty-Four Tris POV-**

She takes me back to her apartment so she can do my make-up despite my arguing. Christina always puts on a lot of make-up on and it looks good on her but I don't look good with a lot of make-up on. The most make-up I've ever worn is eye liner and mascara while Christina wears lip-stick and eye-shadow and a bunch of other things that I have no clue what they are and have no intention to find out.

"Sit." Christina demands as soon as she's laid out all her make-up products and pulled out two stools for us to sit on.

"Do I have to?" I ask even though it's no use.

"Yes." She says in a voice that tells me there's no protesting.

I sit down and Christina grins an evil grin before picking up face wipes to clean off the eye-liner I had before. She takes out a tube of skin-tone cream and smudges it over my pale face. She smudges powders and lip-sticks and eye-shadows galore on my face and uses this thing that looks more like a murder tool then a make-up tool that she curled my eye lashes with

She hands me a mirror and I look at my face. Surprisingly I don't look much different than normal except the fact that my eyes look more piercing than usual. She looks at me proudly and I roll my eyes.

"What did you do to me?" I ask.

"Nothing more than eye-liner, mascara and a little bit of primer. I tried to put other kind on you but nothing looked right." She explains and I nod.

"Okay, so can we go to dinner? I haven't eaten all day because my stomach hurt." I ask and she nods.

"Sure, I can always redo your make-up if I have to, I didn't really do much. It only took long because I was experimenting, last time I did your make-up you weren't as pale so it was easier." She says and she starts to pack up her make-up and hair supplies.

After a little while of cleaning up we finally are able to go and eat. I'm starving, I haven't eaten since this morning, I only ate an apple and I threw it back up. The amazing perks of cancer. We walk to the dining hall in silence.

Once we're inside the dining hall I grab a sandwich and some water before sitting down next to Tobias at a table with Zeke and Shauna and all instead of Uriah and Christina and all. Tobias looks at me and doesn't smile but his eyes light up and I know this is how good it's going to get in front of other people.

"Christina's throwing some stupid engagement party tonight and she made me let her do my make-up." I explain as soon as I notice that Zeke is looking at me strange. I'm not sure if it's because he walked in on me and Tobias kissing or because my make-up is all fancy yet I'm wearing shorts and a hoodie.

"Don't think you can drag me to it, I have to be at work because you've made me miss so many days already." Tobias says quickly, abandoning his food to look me in the eye.

"Great, now I have to go alone." I sigh.

"Hang out with Uriah." Zeke suggests awkwardly, yep, it was definitely because of what happened in the control room.

"At parties Uriah dances and drinks alcohol, while I sit in the corner and awkwardly check the time every two seconds until the parties over and then I get the hell out of there as fast as I can." I say and Zeke shrugs.

"Just a suggestion. Why don't you just bail?" He asks and I scoff.

"Have you met Christina?" I ask in disbelief. "Does she seem like the kind of girl whose party you can just 'bail'?" Zeke doesn't say anything.

I pick at my sandwich for a couple minutes until I feel the presence of someone behind me. I turn in my chair to see Christina standing behind my chair looking impatient.

"We have to go, your eyeliner is too thin." She says and I get up but not before shooting Tobias a desperate glance, he just smirks at me.

Christina drags me by the wrist towards her apartment, she doesn't talk she just drags me and I don't resist her grip. She pulls me into her apartment still silently and forces me back down onto the stool I was sitting before we went to go to dinner.

"What do you want?" I ask tiredly and she grins.

"You didn't sit with us today; you sat with Zeke and he looked as uncomfortable as you did. So I was wondering, is there more to the story then you're letting on?" She suggests cocking up and eyebrow. It takes me a moment to realize what she's suggesting and I automatically blush even though I know what she's saying isn't true.

"No, I-uh, no, um, no, we-we, uh…." I stutter and trail off, I'm too shocked to say anything.

"Are you sure?" She prods.

"I'm….. I'm sure, I'm 100% sure nothing else was happening." I'm finally able to get more than one syllable out. Despite my protesting Christina looks unconvinced.

"Look there's nothing to be embarrassed about I mean me and Will-," she starts but I cut her off with a loud groan.

"Please, I don't want to go there right now." I say in a low voice.

"Come on Tris you two have been together for over a year now, if not now then when?" She asks in a voice that tells me she doesn't plan on stopping anytime soon.

"Christina, I don't want to and neither does he." I say trying to end the conversation again.

"Fine, I just thought…..," she trails off and puts her hands up in surrender,

"What time does the party start? It's seven already." I say and she laughs at me.

"Come on, real parties don't start until ten or eleven at night." Christina says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

As Christina redoes my make-up while we watch some stupid chick-flick and it ends like every other girly movie does. The pathetic girl gets the hot guy after overcoming some stupid problem that the directors think counts as an interesting plot. Christina cries at the end as if it wasn't the most predictable movie ending in the world.

"Okay its 10:30 pm so Uriah should be set up and people should be arriving now so we should go over there now." Christina says wiping tears from her eyes.

I quickly change into my black dress, black beanie and combat boots. Somehow I managed to get Christina to let me wear the combat boots. I slip my phone and keys into my small bag and sling it over my shoulder before following Christina out of her apartment. As we walk through the hallway it's silent besides for the clicking of Christina's ridiculously tall heels against the rocky path.

As we get close I can hear dull music playing and the closer we get the louder it gets. I open Uriah's door and see a bunch of drunken Dauntless in tight clothes dancing to overly loud music. Marlene sits on the couch looking more relaxed than I've ever seen her with a half empty bottle of beer in her hands.

"Tris! Wanna drink?" Marlene asks in a slurred voice from the alcohol.

"I'm good." I decline, I've never drank alcohol before because I wasn't allowed to in Abnegation and I've never really wanted to here in Dauntless.

"Come one Tris, you've got to have something." Christina whines pulling a bottle of liquor out of the cabinet.

"No, I'm not allowed to." I say and at this moment I'm not sure whether or not I'm really not allowed because of the chemo but I would do anything to get me out of drinking.

"You're no fun, you know that?" Christina says.

"Then maybe you should let me go home." I mumble before plopping down on the couch next to a drunken Marlene. Around us music blares and a bunch of strangers dance like an insane crowd.

I talk to Marlene a little bit but then she passes out and Lynn drags her back to her apartment. I curl into a ball and sit there for a little while alone, drinking, until Uriah slides into the seat next to me.

"Hey Trissy, I'm glad you came." He says but I'm not paying attention to him. I feel the eyes of someone on me and I look around the room trying to find whoever is looking at me. Finally my eyes lock with some Dauntless boy with black hair and green eyes. I have to admit it, he's cute, but I have Tobias so I break the gaze and look back at Uriah.

"Let's make this very clear, you will never call me Trissy again or I'll break your jaw." I say and as I do my eyes flick up to the green-eyed boy across the room to see him grinning; he can hear us even over the music.

"You are such a Pansycake; you can't even handle a nickname." Uriah says.

Christina, who is sitting on the floor by the couch, snorts. "It's never coming back Uriah, get over it already." I laugh at her remark and Uriah wears a synthetic hurt look.

"It's going to happen." Uriah protests and stands up.

"Where are you going?" Christina asks him.

"You two are Pansycakes and I'd rather spend my time flirting with that cute girl over there," he points at a tall girl with long black hair and hazel eyes wearing a pair of black jean shorts and a white, ruffled tank top and has a bottle of beer in her hand. "Goodbye Trissy and Chrissy." And with that he walked away.

Christina gets up to throw out her cup and grabs herself a beer and me a water bottle. We sit there and talk for a while as the room fills up with new guests until Uriah's apartment is extremely crowded with strangers. I look around the room and see that the boy is still looking at me, our eyes lock for a split second and I consider looking away but I don't.

**Christina POV-**

Tris and I talk for a while until she gets distracted and looks around the room until she finds whatever she's looking for and doesn't look back at me. I follow her gaze and my heart drops into my stomach. The moment I recognize him I just want to punch his gorgeous face, her eyes are locked with Jai's. Jai is an ass, he dates a girl for a week tops and then moves on and of course Tris doesn't know any better because she's rarely at parties but he is always there hitting on some random girl.

Tris turns around to face me. "Who is he and why is he staring at me?" She asks motioning to Jai who is still staring at her (god, does that boy ever give in?).

"That's Ja-," I trail off as soon as I see a familiar face crouch next to me. My heart skips a beat and Tris' eyes widen with excitement. I didn't hear the front door open but then again the music is pretty loud. I feel my heart-rate pick up as it always does when he's around. "I thought you wouldn't be back for a little while?"

"They let me go home early because I have a meeting in two days and I have to unpack my stuff. I went back to our apartment and there was no one there so I went to Tris' apartment and there was some random guy was there and then I came here ." Will explains and I glance at Tris and she sighs.

"Go, I'll be here all night because of you." Tris says reluctantly and I drag Will out of Uriah's apartment and into the hallway, as I do I look back at Tris and see that she's made her way over to Jai so they stand in the kitchen together. I want to go and say something but this is the first time I've seen Will since he proposed.

"I love you so much." I say and Will kisses me. I set my hands on his waist, pull away from him and sigh. "But Tris is a stupid little Stiff and is about to ruin the rest of her very short life if I don't go and stop her."

"Christina," Will says quietly and I look up into his celery green eyes.

"Yes?"

"I'm not sure if we can get married." He says and my hands drop.

**Tris POV-**

I let Christina walk away and immediately stand up from the couch. I look over to the green-eyed boy and we lock eyes before walking over to Uriah's kitchen to get away from the noise. I have no clue who he is or why he was staring at me but I want to know, I've always been a naturally curious person.

"Who are you and what do you want?" I ask him tiredly and he wears an arrogant smirk.

"I'm Jai and for some reason you look very familiar." He says and I roll my eyes.

"Well it might be the fact that we both live in an underground cave together?" I say tiredly.

"Are you Tris?" He asks and I groan even though he probably can't hear me over the music.

"What does it Matter to you? So you can go and tell all your pathetic friends that you met the sad girl with cancer?" I spit at him and he looks at me

"What do you mean? I was talking about the girl who ranked first." He says and I'm not sure whether I should believe him or not. On one hand I've just met him so for all I know he's a cold-blooded killer but on the other hand he just seems like the sort of person you can trust.

"Well that would be me." I say after a while of going back forth in my mind. I'm not sure why I even decided to talk to him.

"So you're a Stiff?" He asks and I groan. I'll forever be known as the sad, pathetic Stiff who got cancer. No one cares about the accomplishments of a Stiff, just what they've done wrong.

"No, I'm Dauntless." I snap and he nods.

"So you were the first jumper?" He asks and he leans against the counter, propped up by his arms.

"Why are you asking all these questions?" I ask and he just shrugs.

"Just trying to get to know you." He says and I roll my eyes.

"What, do you plan on writing a biography on me?" I ask coldly and he looks as if I just slapped him. I know that I'm being rude but I've been here way to long and I have a head ache and he isn't helping. I just want to go home. "Sorry, that was mean. I hate parties but my friend dragged me here."

"It's fine, I was dragged here too." He says sweetly and I suddenly feel like I should leave. I'm not sure why but talking to him feels like I'm cheating on Tobias and that makes me just want to go home even more.

"So, I think I should go." I say awkwardly. I start away from the kitchen, Jai catches my wrist and the next few things happen in a blur. He pulls me by the wrist into him and presses his lips to mine. His arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me closer to him. I stand there, frozen in shock.


	35. Chapter 35

**I'm ****posting this chapter finally. It's going to be like this a lot now... Me posting late... I have so many new fandoms I'm apart of that I don't have as much time to write this story as I wanted. PLEASE REVIEW! Love you guys! -Sofia**

**Chapter Thirty Five- Jai POV**

As I wrap my arms around her waist I feel her defined hip bones that stick out so much it seems like the only thing between my hands and her bones are a thin layer of soft skin. Her lips are soft but she stands stiffly in my arms. I knew when I saw her that she was with Four but I wouldn't give a damn if she had a husband. I'm not looking for a relationship I'm looking for a hook-up. I didn't expect her to be that ignorant considering her looks but I guess I was wrong. I'm just about to pull up and move on to the next girl when she relaxes and puts her arms around my neck. I guess she's smarter than I gave her credit for.

**Will POV-**

Christina's face seems to melt at my words and I can't tell if she's angry or upset or whatever. Her face is relaxed and blank. I didn't want to hurt her but I couldn't let her keep believing we were getting married. I still love her and I want to be with her forever but I just don't want to get married right now. I can't tell her why, if I do she might decide to leave me forever and I've already lost enough.

_They were riding in a military car going out far enough so no one could see them. Finick and Will stood on the sides with the doors open, holding onto the rail on the side of the door, letting the wind push them back but not moving. Finick' girlfriend Aaron drove them out towards a wooded area. Over the time Will had been at the fence they had all been close. They were assigned groups of threes the go out on patrols with and Will was put with the two of them. They bunked together and their job was to stay together at all times. Will had told Aaron about all about Christina, at these times Finick would just block them out and sleep. They had to take shifts sleeping unless someone or something came to attack the dorm but nothing ever did. When Aaron slept Finick talked about how when finally they could go back to the compound he would propose and Will believed him because whenever anyone mentioned Aaron his eyes would light up._

_Now they rode out to who knows where until Aaron decided they were far enough away from everyone else and parked to car. They formed a circle on the ground and talked for hours about life in their old factions and what initiation was like since Aaron and Finick had chosen a year before Will. They weren't supposed to leave the Dauntless camp but they did it anyways even though there would be consequences if anyone else found out they had left. The sun set behind them but none of them seemed to notice the daylight change until it was so dark out you couldn't see anything. They finally go back into the car, Finick driving, Aaron in the passenger's seat next to him and Will in the back. This time Will just sat instead of hanging out of the car. He sat back there silently and when they were half way home they just assumed he was asleep and starting talking. He didn't say anything, he just kept to himelf, he didn't want to embarrass them for over-hearing what seemed like a personal conversation._

_"__Do you think we'll ever make it back to the compound?" Aaron asked._

_"__I'm not sure, Will goes back every now and then but only the people with family there can and all I have is you so you'd have to go back alone."_

_"__I don't need anyone but you, and let's face it, Will. I hate to admit it but it'd be kind of lonely without him while you're asleep." Aaron said and Will felt the side of his mouth twitch up in knowing that someone out here needed him._

_"__I heard he was proposing to his girlfriend." Finick said out of the blue._

_"__Yeah," Aaron said in a voice that sounded almost, sad._

_"__Are you okay?" Finick asked._

_"__Did you ever consider proposing to me? We've been together for two years, we left Candor together and I love you and you say you love me," her voice cracked and he could tell she was crying "but do you really? Sometimes I wonder if you really do or if you stay with me because I'm easy. I know you lost your family and you've been trying to piece a new one together, but tell me this one thing; would it be any different if I wasn't so in love with you? Would you still love me if I didn't feel the same?" By now she was crying pretty hard and Will felt bad for her._

_"__Aaron, you mean so-," Aaron cut him off._

_"__I'm not done talking. If you had met anyone else but me when you were in Candor would you have loved them the way you loved me? I'm not trying to be all girly and stupid and pathetic I just want to know. You have no one left but me, like you said, and sometimes I really believe that the only reason you need me is so that you're not alone, so you have someone to call family. If that's true I need to know so I can be sure." Aaron finished and Will could see the outline of her hand wiping her face. _

_"__That is not at all true, just know that. You know I'm not good with speech's so I'll just get straight to the point. Aaron Nightscar-," Aaron would never hear the rest of that sentence, Finick had been looking at Aaron and not the road. He lost control. He almost ran into a tree. Will felt the car jerk to the side, hard. He regretted not wearing the belt and he flung to the side, slamming into the car door. Aaron was screaming but Will could barely hear her, he had hit his head so hard against the door he had felt a crackling sensation and all noise was muffled. There was a shatter as the car rolled over and over and over all the while tossing Will and Aaron around the car helplessly until it stopped. _

_Once they had stopped Will ran his fingers through his hair without thinking, searing pains shot through him and he felt like he was about to pass out. His hand felt wet so he held it up and in the moonlight he could see that his hand was covered in something warm and scarlet. Blood. Before everything went black he saw that the windshield had shattered and Aaron was the only one in the front seat, Finick was gone._

_Finick' body had been sent back to the Dauntless compound to be burned. He had broken through the windshield. He knew he was about to crash so he had shielded Aarons body with his on and slammed through the windshield but he had succeeded and Aaron lived. Will lived too. He had a major concussion and Aaron had told him over and over in the hospital at the Dauntless camp that he should go home and see his friends through his recovery but he couldn't leave her. Partially because Finick was dead and she had no one and also because even if he did go back no one there would understand what he was feeling. _

_They had both recovered in a few weeks, not fully but they were well enough to get up and guard the fence. Aaron and Will stayed at extra dorms by the hospital so they didn't have to see Finick' empty bunk until they were ready. On their first night back at their dorms Lynn brought Will alcohol even though she wasn't allowed to have it. Will was grateful and Lynn left so Aaron and he could be alone. They ended up drinking until their minds were cloudy and they couldn't think straight. And then they kissed. And then things escalated. _

_The next morning Aaron had totally forgotten what had happened but Will remembered. For the sake of their friendship she kept his mouth shut and led her to believe that they had just passed out. He was offered a job to work in the compound along with Aaron out of pity for what happened to Finick. That night Will called Christina and proposed, he did it for all the wrong reasons. He wanted to be with her but mainly he just wanted her to have sworn to stay with him before he told her so she wouldn't leave him. He loved her but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that what happened the night before meant more then he wanted it to. In fact, he thought he might be falling for her. But he couldn't admit that to himself. He denied it until now. As soon as he saw Christina's eyes dark and swelled up with fear from him being silent for so long he knew he couldn't marry her for those reasons. He wanted to marry her because he loved her but he wasn't sure if he did._

"Why not?" Christina said in a hoarse voice. I looked down at my shoes and said nothing. What could I say?

"I'm just not ready to be married, not with Tris still sick. She'll get better and then we'll get married." The lie burned in my throat and I actively, with every cell in my body, hated myself. Hated myself for lying. Hated myself for getting drunk. Hated myself for doing that to her. And most of I hated myself for not being able to know if it was Aaron I loved or Christina.

"Oh." She breathed and her face flooded with relief. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. And it felt all wrong. She was relived but I was lost and with her kissing me I don't think I could ever choose and if I did I wouldn't be sure if it was because I felt bad or because I really loved the other one more.

**Tris POV-**

Finally I snap into it and I want to push him off but then what would I do? He's much larger than me and now I can tell from the way that he's holding me that he's the kind of jerk who would hit a girl for rejecting him. His hands were holding me so tight on my waist I'm positive they'll bruise by tomorrow. Suddenly I remember my keys to Tobias' apartment are behind me. _Tobias. _I think and quickly push him out of my mind. I slowly inch my hand towards the key and then grasp it in my palm. The ridges poke into my skin and I tighten my grip until it hurts so bad I stop and slide my arms around his neck. He pulls me tighter against him and tries to deepen the kiss when I realize what I've just decided to do and I start to question if I can really do it.

**Christina POV-**

I pull away from Will and I can tell from the strange expression on his face that there's something he's not telling me but I reassure myself that if it would affect me he would tell me so I let myself ignore it. I think about Tris and freeze. I have to get in there before she does something stupid she can't take back.

"I have to go deal with Tris, I'll meet you back at our apartment?" I say and he nods and without saying a word he darts down the hallway. I'm not sure what exactly is wrong with him but he'll tell me when he's ready.

I rush into Uriah's apartment and look straight into the kitchen. I stop dead in my tracks. What the hell is Tris thinking? She's in the kitchen making out with Jai the Asshat.

**Tris POV-**

I curl my fingers in his hair with one hand while the other finds its place resting right next to his collar bone. I grip the key and finally flick it out so the metal is pressed to his throat. He doesn't comprehend what happened right away so mumble a few words against his lips.

"Get your hands off my waist or I slit your throat you bastard." I feel every muscle of his body tighten as I say these words. His hands fall but he is still pressed against me. I look up at him to see his cheeks flushed and his green eyes wide with shock, confusion and fear. Clearly he underestimated me. People here in Dauntless tend to do that but it always works in my advantage.

**Jai POV-**

I'm stunned. I can feel the pressure of the key against my throat but I still can't believe she's holding it there. I let my hands fall from her waist and I can't breathe. Is it bad that I'm more attracted to her now then I was when she was playing dumb?

**Christina POV-**

I see the key against his throat and I can't breathe. Either he'll beat the hell out of her, she'll have to kill him or he'll leave. I doubt the last one will happen. She says something and he lets go of her. She reaches into the pocket of her dress and pulls out a small black and silver object. A pocket knife. She swiftly switches her hands do the knife is against his throat and she puts her key into the pocket she took the knife out of.

**Tris POV-**

"If you ever even think about coming near me I will slit your throat and end your worthless life without a second thought." I sneer at him and fold my pocket. I turn on my heel and make my way towards Christina, I had a feeling she was watching.

"I'm going home." I say to her but she grabs my arm.

"I have to tell you something." She says and drags me into the hallway. She tells me how Will doesn't want to marry her anymore and that he was acting strange. She tells me she thinks something happened and she thinks he'll leave her. I know it's the wrong thing to do considering she's in the hallway during her engagement party crying over the fact that he broke off the engagement but I can't help myself, I turn and sprint. Christina calls after me and I can hear the agony in her voice as she does but I keep going. I run through the Pit hitting people as I go but I don't think, I just run. My lungs burn but I push myself to go faster, faster. I finally make it back to my apartment. I can't think about Will or Christina right now, I just cheated on Tobias. I kissed someone else, willingly.

I pull out my key and quietly open the door trying not to wake him, assuming he's asleep since it's one in the morning already. I pull the door open to see that Tobias is nowhere to be found but the lights are on. I silently open the door to our bedroom to see Tobias in the chair in the corner of our bedroom. I sigh and slip out of my dress. I hear him stir behind me so I try to get quieter as I search for a tank top and shirts, hoping he doesn't wake up in see me in such little clothes. I hear him move again and I silently swear knowing he's most definitely awake now. I pull on my clothes without looking back for the sake of my dignity. Finally I turn to see it's not Tobias in the chair but Will, his green eyes shining in the dark, swollen as if he'd been crying.


	36. Chapter 36

**Sorry I've been having really bad luck with this website so sorry it was all messed up but I highly doubt many people read this chapter at one in the morning so I think we're good. PLEASE REVIEW ~Sofia**

**Chapter Thirty Six- Tris POV**

"What the hell are you doing in my room?" I demand and he gives an apologetic smile.

"I would've said something before you changed but you thought I was Four so I was going to wait until you fell asleep to leave and act like I was never here to spare you your dignity." Will said and I frown. I grab my dress from off the ground and throw it at his face and he catches it. He wiggles his eyebrows at me and I grab the book off my dresser and throw it at him. It hits his shoulder.

"Why are you in my bedroom?" I ask again.

"Do want the honest answer or the lie?" He asks and I see he was never asleep and he wasn't crying, he's just exhausted. I flip on the light switch before responding.

"The truth." I say and he sighs.

"I'm avoiding Christina." He says and I shrug and sit down on the bed in front of him.

"Why?"

"I can't say, you'll tell Christina and I'll lose her. I came here because I needed somewhere to stay and Four said I could hide out here for a while if I needed. He said I could stay on the couch but tonight he wouldn't be home so he trusted me to sleep in the chair." Will says and it's bad but I feel more sympathy for him then I do Christina, he looks like he broke himself and frankly I'd rather have someone else break me because I can always put myself back together but if I do it there's nowhere to hide.

"I won't tell her, I love you Will and whatever you say will stay our secret. I promise you that. All I want to say is that Christina suspects something and she'll find out eventually, so choose who you want to tell her." I say.

"_IsleptwithanothergirlandIfeelreallybadaboutitbecauseIthinkI'minlovewithher." _Will says and I stand up. I pull him up and he stands so close to me I can feel his warm breaths against my skin. I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly. He rests his head in the crook of my neck and I feel the tears pouring down his face but he doesn't make a sound. I stroke his hair as he cries and hold him tightly against me. I think I hear the door open but there are no footsteps so I hold him tighter and don't look away.

"It's okay, you can stay here tonight and when you're ready you can tell me the whole story because I know you and there's more than that." I say into his hair. I feel so bad for him I can't even breathe. He cheated. He cheated on Christina and it's going to kill him.

**Will POV-**

It's around three in the morning when I leave. Tris was trying to help but she'd fallen asleep on top of the sheets. I didn't try to wake her, she was exhausted from fighting and I knew it. We all knew it. I think that may've been a tiny part of what had happened between me and Aaron. But I would never use excuses like Tris having cancer to excuse myself from cheating. I won't even use Finick's death as an excuse. I gently pull the covers out from under her and tuck them around her. I slip out of there and sigh, she's going to be all alone when she wakes up. Hopefully she sleeps late so Four will be there when she wakes.

**Tobias POV-**

I stare at the monitors at the control room and glance at the time. It's 10 am and I'm still sitting here instead of going back to the apartment so I'm there when Tris wakes up. I don't want her to wake up alone but I can't look at her right now. She'd said earlier she was feeling so much better. She'd been so excited. I didn't want to crush her but I knew it was bad for her to feel better. I knew that meant that she was worse. It meant she was so far gone she couldn't even feel anymore. I couldn't see the hope in her eyes because I knew it was just her mind masking her pain. I just need a moment to not see that.

The door opens and I see an older Dauntless girl who lives across from my apartment and Zeke. Zeke looks like he's sweating. No; crying. The girl does too. I feel the terror wash over me and look away like a coward.

"I'm so sorry. When you live here for a few years you can sleep through almost anything so by the time I heard her she must've been lying there for at least an hour." The girl, Alexa I think says quietly.

"What?" I ask confused, what does she mean she can sleep through anything?

"She was screaming for someone. She was screaming in pain. She couldn't move, Four." Zeke says.

"Is she…..?" I ask not able to bring myself to finish the sentence.

"I think so, Uriah was heading to go get a doctor but we couldn't find a pulse and I thought maybe you wanted to see her before the doctor." Zeke says and I get up and push past them and walk out and slowly I start running.

I tear open the door, I know I'm crying but I can't help myself. I get to the bed and see her lying there. The sheets are twisted next to her but she's not under them. Her skin on her face and neck and arms are covered in cuts and bruises from wear she obviously tore at the skin. Her black top is ripped all over and cuts and a little blood is visible through the tears in the fabric. I feel her hand and it's ice cold. I feel for a pulse but there is none. She's dead.

"Tris, don't do this, hold on. Please, for me?" I whisper to myself and for a split second I believe I feel a slight rush of blood in her wrist but I must've imagined it because she's still ice cold. She's gone.

**Tris POV-**

Agony. Pain. Hurt. Strain. Torment. Misery. These words don't begin to explain how I feel. My eyelids refuse to open but I struggle. I know IT's happening. I knew it would come sooner or later but I had hoped it would come later and not in the morning in my bed all alone at the apartment. The feeling of burning flames shooting through my veins and into my heart and arm and legs and head continues and I groan loudly trying to pry open my eyes. I don't want to die alone and screaming but I couldn't help it.

Strangled screams tear from the throat but that body feels distant. I feel like my conscience has left my body. I can open my eyes. I see myself lying there dead on the bed and scream through sobs. The body of me lies there and I close my eyes, I don't want to see it another second. That corpse is what I'll look like soon. I know it's just my mind playing tricks from my cancer because my eyes have been closed the whole time but nonetheless that fate is forever speeding 100 miles per hour towards me and it hurts worse then the actual pain of dying from cancer all alone in the dark.

In the moment I forget being Dauntless and just scream and sob as I lie there unable to move anything. I want to sit up and run. I don't want to die like this. No one wants to die like this. I can't die now. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't.

I feel my scream become more intense as the burning disappears as quick as it came and a freezing sensation taking its place sending bitter coldness through my legs, then arms, traveling up and up and up until I feel frozen. I feel a tingling and I can move only my limbs which is almost worse. My legs and arms are determined to die running to whom I love but I feel nothing but dead weight on my head and torso. My nails tear at my face and clothes as I scream and try to break out.

This is the end. I don't know what I'll see if anything but I'm ready. I think I'm ready. I feel a warmness wash over me and I feel instantly better. I've been screaming and clawing and in pain to long. I feel myself drift farther and farther away into wherever I'm going. I hear a banging in the distance and a familiar voice.

"Tris, don't do this, hold on. Please, for me?" He says and I can feel the pain and terror in his voice but I'm in too deep to come back. I don't want to come back. I block his pleas out and let myself drift away painlessly to whatever lies beyond this horrid life of pain and fear and love and all those other painful emotions that I'll leave behind now. I think about how much I love Tobias and I almost hear his voice but it's too late;

I've

Let

Go.

**Okay don't fret this isn't the end... You guys know I won't update soon but IT ISN'T OVER YET. PLEASE REVIEW thoughts, comments, predictions, whatever.**


	37. Chapter 37

**Please Review **

**If you read the AN and knew I'd post ILY ~Sofia**

**Chapter Thirty-Seven**

**Lena POV-**

I'm sitting on the couch at 7 pm and it occurs to me that I could be doing something else. All the other initiates are out partying or flirting with other Dauntless members while I sit on my boyfriends couch staring at a plain white wall thinking. I should be out with everyone else my age but no, I'm not. Maybe I'm just a heartless bitch who doesn't appreciate being loved by someone I love equally back but….. I'm not sure why it's bothering me now, I mean I've been living here since a week after becoming a Dauntless member and never once has it bothered me to not be like everyone else but for some reason I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I should be somewhere else, anywhere else but here. Maybe I'm just being stupid, in fact I have a history of being stupid and screwing up everything good. Or maybe it's just because I had a shitty childhood.

Ugh. I know I'm overreacting now, whenever I try and use my childhood as an excuse against myself I know I'm just bored and I need a break. I do that a lot. I don't know why but whenever I'm alone in silence for too long I start thinking dumb things that never really bothered me.

I force myself to get up. I change into a black tank top and faded blue jean shorts and leave the apartment. It's always tragically lonely while Zayn is at work. I walk around the Pit for a while until I get bored again and force myself to do something productive besides walking in circles.

I make my way to the tattoo parlor, Tori told me that I've been working too much and I need a break but no matter what she says I always find myself ending up there somehow. I know I work too much but it's because Zayn picks up extra shifts for Four in the control room so he can be with Tris since she's sick.

When I get inside I see the trainer for the Dauntless born; Christina and some boy with brown hair and wide green eyes that I can't help but stare at. Bud is in the back with some girl with tattoos basically everywhere and Tori's talking to the boy and Christina. No one notices me but I can't bring myself to say or do anything then look at the boy. Something about him perplexes me and looking at him makes me want to smile but also makes me want to cry.

I'm not sure why but it feels uncomfortable to even be in the same room as him. I look around to see the three of them, Bud and that one girl are the only people here. Without hesitation, I leave.

I'm home and showering yet I can't shake this feeling that I should've said something to the boy, something to comfort him.

Will POV-

"You're not getting another tattoo!" I shout a little too coldly at Christina.

When I'd gotten home she hugged me and said she was worried sick since I hadn't come home. As the conversation developed she told me she had an appointment with Tori to get my name tattooed on the inside of her left wrist. This was basically the worst thing I could think about now. What if once I told her she leaves me? She'll be even more upset that I hadn't told her not to get the tattoo. And if she couldn't get it removed for whatever reason it'd just be a reminder that I cheated and I didn't want to do that to her. I didn't want to do any of this to her! How was I going to talk her out of it without telling her the truth? I really don't want to tell her just yet, she deserves some happiness just for a little while even if it's all a lie.

"I don't need your permission to get a tattoo." Christina said wearing a look that told me I should've been a little nicer. She grabs her bag with her wallet and keys in it and slams the door in my face. Where's Tris when you need her? Tris could've talked her out of anything with her sad little cancer eyes.

I run out of the apartment and catch up with Christina and she groans when she sees me.

"I can get a tattoo whenever I want, it's not your choice." She says, stops walking and looks at me. "Why shouldn't I? Just out of curiosity…"

"I think you should get it after we're married." I say tentatively.

"Why?" She asks again. I stand silently for a moment as I choose the right words.

"What if when we get married I decide I want your name on my ankle? I'm positive you'd wish you'd waited so we could match." I say awkwardly. Christina knows as well as everyone else that I hate tattoos and I'd rather die than get a tattoo of anything.

"What's the real reason?" She asks and starts walking at a faster pace to get to the tattoo parlor.

"I just really don't like tattoos and I know they hurt and I don't want to cause you any pain." I blurt out. All of those fragments were true, just not together.

"Fine, but you're coming with me to cancel the appointment." Christina says and we walk silently to the tattoo parlor. She looks disappointed but all I can feel is the knot in my stomach from not telling her the truth.

**Uriah POV-**

I can't believe it. I knew Tris pretty well. We were initiates the same year and whenever she was upset all I wanted was to cheer her up. I was with her at a party just last night and now we're here. I'm not sure what I should be feeling.

Four hasn't left the apartment since we left him there, he just sits on the edge of the bed. Zeke goes to see him every hour and every time he comes back to my apartment where we're all camped out he says the same thing. When Zeke opens the apartment door I know what he's about to tell us.

"He's just sitting there." He says.

"Is he crying? Is he talking?" Marlene asks lightheartedly and Zeke shakes his head.

"He just sits there. Something feels wrong." Zeke responds.

"Well of course something's wrong! I don't know if you've heard but Tris-," Zeke cuts Lynn off.

"No, something's in this room smart ass. Tris doesn't only have three friends. I mean I know Stiff's aren't particularly popular but she has more friends then this." Zeke says giving a pointed look at me since I was the one who'd told everyone.

"Shit! I forgot Will and Christina!" I say.

"Well you better go find them before someone else tells them or they'll kill us for not saying something." He says and I glance at the time and see its 7:30. Oh god, we're screwed.

Lynn, Marlene and I rush out of my apartment to go to Christina's apartment. I am so dead. I pull open the apartment door and as we pile in I feel even guiltier because no one ever told them Tris had died. Christina rises to her feet and Marlene looks as happy as she was when we'd been told the news by some nurse named Addison.

"Tris isn't dead! Sorry we didn't tell you earlier, I mean we just left the hospital an hour ago. We thought she was dead but after taking her to the hospital she got better. I mean she's asleep and she still has cancer but she's still alive." Marlene says and Christina and Will look lost and shocked. I run my fingers through my hair.

"Marlene," I say and she turns to me, "No one told them what happened this morning."

"Shit."

**Tris POV-**

I open my eyes and see nothing but white light. It takes a moment but then I remember. I close my eyes in confusion. How can this be happening? I died. I really, truthfully died. I remember every second of lying there dying, all alone. How could I possibly be alive? Maybe I'm in whatever comes next.

I decide that that's the only thing that makes sense so I sit up and immediately double over in pain. Okay, not dead. If I was dead why would I still be in pain? I take a moment to just think before opening my eyes again and trying to sit up again. I hurt everywhere. My head feels like someone smashed a boulder on it. The rest of me felt like fire was coursing through my veins but it was nothing close to what I had felt when I thought I was dying.

I try to run my hand through my hair and my forearm pinches and it burns. My eyes fly open to see the cause of the pain to see I have an IV in my arm. I double-take and see I'm in a faded grey room in a white hospital gown with flowers on it. I'm hooked up to about every machine you could ever imagine. I hear the synchronized beeping of the heart monitor and I know I'm still alive. I let the beeping lull my back into a deep sleep.

**Christina POV-**

After three cups of tea and an hour of conversation I'm up to date with what's been happening with everyone else. Here I was worried about getting a tattoo and my best friend died.

So basically this is what happened; at like 11 am Tris' neighbor heard her screaming and she found her in her bed with her eyes shut but she could tell she was conscious because she was writhing in pain and tearing at her face and clothes and she was crying. Not to mention she was all alone. Uriah and Zeke just so happened to be stopping by to see Tris and they showed up to see Tris dead and the girl-, Uriah called her Alexa. While Uriah was trying to see if she'd wake up she stopped screaming and just went still. After failing to find a pulse Uriah ran to go get a doctor while Zeke and Alexa went to get Four. Tris was rushed to the infirmary where after about 30 minutes they managed to get her heart to start again. The doctors explained that she wasn't getting enough oxygen and after about an hour with little to no oxygen it was too much for her heart and she'd given in. There was fluid surrounding her lungs and that's what had caused it all. They have a tube in her chest that's draining her lungs but other than that her condition was the same. In this whole tragedy the doctors were very pleased to announce that there were no more METs-, which is what they call her cancer, and the old ones haven't grown but neither have they shrunk. They believe she'll wake up tomorrow or the next day but she'll be alright all in all.

But that wasn't all. Four hadn't said anything or moved since they took her to the hospital. He just sat on the corner of the bed and stared at the wall which was as talkative as him. When Zeke had told him Tris was alright he didn't even blink, he just sat there. This made me wonder if he just didn't care about her at all and he was just trying to play a part as he tried to find a way out. But now wasn't time to think about that. All that mattered was that Tris was alright.

"So you guys just _forgot _to tell us that you thought she was dead?" Will asked still mad and astonished at the topic.

"But she's not dead." Uriah said trying to end the conversation.

"But you thought she was and you never said anything." Will spat at him. Gosh, what was with him lately? Ever since he got back he's been acting cold and I don't like it. What if he plans on leaving me? What if he no longer loves me? I'm not sure what to think, I wish Tris was here to help me.

**Aaron POV-**

I run with the other Dauntless fence guards after the train car. Running has always been an escape from everything that was happening for me. That's why I chose Dauntless. Running. Whenever I don't know what to do I run. But all too soon it's my turn to swing myself into the train car and ride into the compound. Riding towards my problem. Will doesn't remember what happened that night. I asked him what he remembered and he'd said nothing had happened and I didn't want to tell him so I kept my mouth shut. I felt awful. I _feel _awful. He's engaged for god's sake! And his fiancé is so sweet I would never wish this upon her. I'd spoken with her once over the phone when Will had called her. The typical in love, pretty Dauntless girl. She was just like everyone else except the fact that she seemed to care too much. That was one of her best and worst qualities. If she ever found out what Will and I had done…. I can't believe myself.

And yet here I stand. In a train car full of Dauntless riding in to see the people they love who live within the compound. I don't have anyone left. I don't have anything left. I can't bear to look at Will and yet without recognition I'd packed up my stuff to go see him. What did I expect from him? He'd just lost his best friend as I had lost the love of my life. I know Finick and I know he'd want me to go on this train and ride to Will. I know he's looking down and waiting for me to get to him. I know he would want me happy and he'd want me to be with someone he deemed worthy and if anyone was it was Will. But a little voice in the back of my mind tells me that despite the fact that I think I love him that no matter what I want or Finick wants I don't have the guts to go tell Will. I never will.

**Tris POV-**

I force myself to wake up. I can tell I've been sleeping for days. Maybe three or four. I can't keep being so weak and I need to wake up and see everyone I love. I pry open my eyes and the second they do the white eerie light of my hospital burns them and I shut them. I groan and I feel a dull aching in my ribs. I feel someone's hand clutching mine.

"Tris?" A familiar male voice says and I open my eyes. His eyes are big and shiny with tears and his face is streaked with tears. I smile with his and try to sit up, failing that he helps me prop myself up slightly so I'm not sitting but I'm not lying down.

"Did you tell her or something? You look awfully upset." I say smiling lightly at Will.

"No my best friend almost died you selfish bitch what were you thinking? Are you trying to ruin my life?" He jokes and I laugh weakly.

"My sole purpose in life is to ruin your life, isn't it obvious?" I say. I lift my hand to put it on my stomach and feel a tube and pain.

"They have a tube in your chest to drain fluid that's pressing against your lungs." Will explains as if he read my mind.

"Mind telling me what happened to me? I thought I was dead." I say.

"You were, for about an hour. There was so much fluid around you lungs you couldn't get enough oxygen. You would've been fine if you were awake because you would've known something was wrong but since you're apparently an extremely heavy sleeper you slept through your own death. Uriah and Zeke took you here and you've been asleep for three days. The doctors are taking out your tube in surgery tonight. Oh, but you're going to have to carry an oxygen tank everywhere and so you can breathe." My hand without the IV lifts to feel a cannula under my nose.

"Is there any_ good _news?" I ask.

"Isn't being alive enough?" Will's eyebrows quirk up.

"You know what I mean."

"Your METs haven't grown and there aren't any new ones so in theory that means the treatment is doing what it should be. For now." Will adds the last part on quickly as if not to jinx me.

"Are you the only one who stayed with me?" I ask not really caring, I just want to keep talking.

"No, but for the first day Four refused to come. But he was by your side all yesterday. Christina was sitting with you until about an hour ago when we switched." Will explains.

"When are you going to tell her?" I ask and he looks surprised I brought it up for real.

"When should I?" He asks and I ponder this. He should've told her with me right after we'd talked. I could've helped Christina into understanding what he has to say without her getting too mad and then I wouldn't be in this damn hospital. If I had just stayed awake I would've been in and out in a day or two but now I'm going to have to wait at least until tomorrow night.

"As soon as I'm better so I can be there." I say.

"You don't have to be there. In fact I think you'd regret being there. It won't be pretty." He says and I sigh.

"But having someone else there to calm her down might make it a little easier and I might be able to stop her from clawing your eyes out. Might." I say and he avoids my eyes.

"But it might destroy your friendship. I mean you knew before her and didn't say anything." He says still avoiding my gaze.

"Yeah but you told me right before I died so we had to postpone telling her because you can't really calm down someone when you're dead." I say and Will laughs.

"That is the weirdest sentence I've ever heard in my life." He says and I sigh.

"Can you be serious for one second?" I ask.

"No."

**Aaron POV-**

I walk through the Pit and it brings back memories. My initiation was really shitty and I have no friends in the compound but for some reason it makes me happy. It's nice not having to check an Amity car every five minutes and actually have something to do. At the fence nothing big happened so I was alone missing Finick.

I'm not sure where Will lives but I find myself in front of an unfamiliar door and yet I knock even though I am oblivious to whose it is. A girl with olive skin and black hair opens the door. She smiles at me and that smile looks so sweet.

"Can I help you?" She asks and I recognize that voice. I've heard it once before.

"You're Christina? Gosh, Will told me you were pretty but you are bloody gorgeous." I blurt out and I'm not even sure why. She is pretty but where did 'bloody' come from?

"Bloody'?" She asks and I shrug.

"I don't even know. I'm Aaron, me and my boyfriend used to guard the fence. Well, I still do I just dropped by to visit. I'm friends with Will, we both are. Well for him I guess it's 'were'." I stutter and she looks at me like I'm crazy. I cover my eyes with my hand and sigh.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not good talking to new people, though we've spoken to each other once before. I believe we had a brief conversation one time over the phone?" I say finally regaining my speech. Her eyes light up in recognition and I feel better.

"Yeah, sorry I forgot. Come in." She says opening the door fully so I can walk in and it hits me. I'm in the apartment of the girl whose fiancé I slept with. How am I going to make small talk? Where is Will? Does she know? Probably not because she's being kind of nice.

"So is Will home?" I ask and she closes the door.

"No he's at the hospital." She says casually as if he's always there.

"Is he alright? Did he get hurt?" I ask and she looks at me like I'm stupid.

"No, one of our friends has cancer and almost died. Didn't he tell you about Tris? Everyone knows about the Stiff who ranked first who has cancer." She says and I have a nagging feeling she knows. But how would she? Will didn't even know!

"Yeah, I thought she was doing better though." I say and she spins around to look at me.

"Better? She was fucking dead and my fiancé is too busy with her to even think about the fact that I need comforting too! She has Four to comfort her! God he's an ass, he never went to see her! Will said he's going to tell her he was there the whole time and everyone came to visit but no one was there but him!" She says angrily.

"Sounds like you've hated him for a while now. I'm sensing you were holding it up in you for a while but you didn't say anything because you're paranoid she'll think your just jealous of her which you are but that's not why you hate him. You hate him because you liked him for a little bit too and Tris got him and then she cut you off and you're not sure if he loves her that much or is that careless with her relationship." I say and her jaw drops. I'm pretty good at reading emotions.

"How did you do that? Can you teach me?" She asks and I shrug.

"Later, sit down and tell me everything." I say.

"Well you've got the story line down but the details are important too." She says and we both sit down on her couch.

"I love Tris so much but she is so clueless when it comes to guys it makes you want to just wrap her up in a blanket and give her some tea, or slap her. Depends on who you are. She fell in love with her trainer during initiation and I guess over time he learned to love her back." She says and I interject.

"Is that what she said or what you think?" I ask.

"What I think." She confesses.

"Do you think I could talk to him? If I hear his voice in a time like this for even just a few moments I'll be able to tell you everything you know and everything you don't." I say and she nods.

"Good luck getting him to talk though. He won't talk to anyone, he won't even get up. Zeke's been bringing him water bottles and apples and he gets up to go to the bathroom but he never says anything." She says.

We both get up and she guides me through the compound until I get to an apartment. She opens the door which unlocked and leads me inside. A boy about a year or two younger than me sits at a counter eating cake while listening to earbuds.

"Oh sorry that's Zeke, he's been staying here to make sure Four's okay." Christina explains before leading me to a bed where a boy about my age sits. Zeke doesn't even notice our presence. He doesn't look up he just sits on the corner or the bed silently.

"I'm Aaron, Will's friend. Can you just say 'hi'? That's all I need from you." I say and he looks at me, dead in the eyes.

"Is Tris up?" He asks coldly and Christina looks stunned he spoke.

"I don't know." I respond and I look back at Christina and she shrugs.

"Then don't speak." He says bluntly and looks down. I hear a door open and close. Zeke probably noticed us and left thinking he was getting a break.

"Aren't you going to see her?" Christina asks him and he groans.

"Aren't you? I know you haven't. You think I'm such a jerk for not visiting her but you haven't either, you've been too busy questioning our relationship to give a shit that she's alive." He looks at her. "Your face reads like a book."

Christina stares at him stunned and someone walks into the room. I look up to see another boy who looks really young.

"She's awake." He says and Four stands up and leaves. As soon as the two boys are gone and it's just us Christina speaks.

"What an ass right?" She says and I sigh.

"I hate to break this to you but your friend has better taste then you." I say and I walk out of the apartment and keep walking. I run after Four and that boy and catch up so I can talk to him.

"Sorry for bothering you, I should've just let you be." I apologize and he looks as me as he walks.

"Who are you? I'm Uriah." The other boy, Uriah, asks.

"No one. No one important. Any ways I'm sorry." I say.

"Don't take this personally but I don't care. You didn't do anything but speak which isn't something you can be held accountable for." Four says and we near the hospital.

We walk in the front doors and they walk to the nurse's station but I just stop dead. Will's here. Will is in this building. I'm not ready to see him. His dying best friend just woke up and he's probably really upset and I have a bad reputation for comforting upset guys now. They talk to a Dauntless nurse whose ID says Addison and she sneaks them through. Uriah looks back and beckons me so I go follow them. Great.

They walk into a gray room with a bald girl lying on the bed. Despite the obviously huge tube coming from her chest and her bald head with a thick, healing on the side of it she looks happy. She's almost sitting up but not fully, so the tube doesn't hurt her I assume. I don't walk in I just look in the door. Will sits in the hair next to her bed holding her hand. The nurse smiles at Tris and she smiles back. I guess since she's here a lot she's made some friends with the staff. I stay back and pray Will doesn't spot me. What was I thinking coming here? I don't even know the girl! What will I do if he sees me?

"Can I talk to Four alone?" She asks and Will stands up but doesn't look over to me.

"We have to prep you to remove the tube soon so make it quick please. They aren't even supposed to be here." The nurse Addison says. Uriah starts towards the door with Will so I spin on my heel and walk quickly to the exit.

"Aaron?" Will asks and I sigh before turning to look at him. We're outside the entrance and Uriah keeps walking. I look to see Christina standing in the middle of the Pit waiting for the two of them, her arms folded over her chest.

"I'm sorry." I blurt out and cover my eyes with my hands. This really is not my day for speaking. "I'm going back to the fence in the morning don't worry. I'm sorry I came. I just… I don't know."

"It's okay, come with me." He says after a moment and he takes my hand and guides me past Christina and into the hallway I was moments ago and into Four's apartment. He leads me in and locks the door behind him.

"Four will be at the hospital all night waiting for her to get out of surgery so we can talk here for a while." He says and I nod.

"I shouldn't of come I just couldn't stop thinking about the night before you left, do you remember what really happened?" I ask.

"I thought you didn't know so I played dumb." He says.

"Same." I reply and he puts his hand on my cheek.

"I am so sorry I did that. I love you as my friend and I just ran away. I was a coward." He says quietly.

"You did that? It was my fault. I made you cheat on your girlfriend, now fiancé and I can't believe who I've become! I couldn't just end out friendship there. I needed to see you. I was a coward and I stayed back at the fence to avoid ever talking about it but a little part of me knew you remembered just as much as I did and I love you." I say and the last three words come out and I feel his lips touch mine and we're kissing.

**Please Review**


	38. Chapter 38

**I am posting. I left a cliff hanger and now I feel bad. PLEASE REVIEW**

**Chapter Thirty-Eight**

**Aaron POV-**

I open my eyes to see a plain white ceiling. I roll over and fall onto the ground on my stomach and groan. What a great way to wake up. I get up and see that I was sleeping on the couch. Memories of the night before come back to me and immediately I feel grateful of what last-night-me did. After Will kissed me we sat down at the kitchen counter n his friend's apartment and talked almost all night about Finick and things we remembered. I told him about what my initiate trainer and he told me every detail he knew about Tris and her cancer and her relationship with Four. It was nice to have a friend to talk to. After Finick died we hadn't really had a conversation.

"Morning." Will says and I turn around to see Will making coffee in the kitchen.

"Why are you up? It's only 8." I say glancing at the clock.

"Four came by and said Tris woke up about an hour ago. He has to go to work so I was going to bring you to meet her. She's the only one who knows besides us." He says.

"So the solution to our problems is for me to bother your dying cancer friend?" I ask pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"She wants to meet you, she said she needs to meet you in order to choose sides when Christina finds out." He explains to me.

"Fine. But I don't have any other clothes." I say glancing down at my ratty black jeans and loose black shirt.

"She said you could borrow some of her stuff if it fits, it's all too big on her now anyways. It's in the dresser over there." Will says pointing at a large wooden dresser.

I take a pair of comfy jean shorts and a reasonably fitting black shirt. I go into the bathroom and change into them and I'm shocked. The shirt's awfully small and Will said it was too big on her. God, this girl must be really tiny. I saw her last night but I didn't get a very good look at her and I wasn't even in her room. I walk out of the bathroom and finish my coffee before following Will through the Pit and into the hospital.

He leads me into a room with more dreary grey walls and a girl lying in the bed. He walks out and shuts the door behind him. I look at the girl lying in front of me. She looks pale and short and small. Her grey-blue eyes make it her look beautiful nonetheless. Her hair is growing in a little around her face but there's a huge scar I saw earlier on the side of her head. Her lips are pale pink and cracked and she has tubes and cords and wires coming from all around her. She lies with her legs under a blanket, propped up with pillows as she was last night but this time there's no tube coming from her chest. The hospital gown is loose and shows a bump over her collar bone. Her blue eyes examine me and I stand still. She looks small but the determined look in her eyes makes her look strong and wise.

"Sit." She says gesturing to the chair by her bed. She sits up a little more and I sit beside her bed.

"Will said you wanted to meet me so I came although I'm oblivious as to why you'd want to meet me considering I'm the one who's destroying your best friend's relationship with your other friend." I say and it comes out with an accent. I always do that when I'm nervous.

She doesn't respond.

"I heard you almost died." I blurt out. I'm making a fool of myself, as usual. Is it too much to ask to be normal for five minutes?  
>"Things were getting dull and I like suspense. I was never going to go that easy." She says and I smile, she's actually quite funny.<p>

"I feel really bad. Christina's a really sweet girl." I say and Tris stifles a laugh.

"I love Christina and I hate her sometimes but she means the world to me and it is my job to protect her from people like you." Tris says in a suddenly cold voice.

"I know, I feel really-," Tris holds up her hand to silence me.

"I'm sure you're a very good person, Will wouldn't have liked so much if you weren't. But I'm dying, and I'm exhausted. I don't have the time to deal with shit like this. I'm tired and it takes too much out of me to hate an innocent person. So please, for me, just stop being so nice. Be a bitch and fall in love with someone besides Will. Christina doesn't need this. Make this easy and just stop being so nice." She says tiredly and I nod.

"I wish I could tell you that I'm going back to the fence, and I won't take my weeks off because there's nothing I need here. But I can't go back to the place where the love of my life died. The place where I destroyed my best friend's relationship with his fiancé. I can't do that. Could you?" I tell her and immediately look down at my hands.

I can't face her. I don't want to hear what she has to say because she's right. She's right and she hasn't even said anything. She just had this look in her eyes, a look that told me that Will had it 10 times worse than me because he'd lost his best friend and he was about to lose another friend and the love of his life. And then he would lose Tris. He was losing everything. And I had taken little pieces because I thought I had it hard. I thought what I was experiencing was painful. And he was about to lose literally everything. His home, his friends, the love of his life, all of it. Everything that mattered was going to be gone.

"Go to the fence. Fall in love. And stay the hell away from all of us. You seem sweet, but from what you've seen in Dauntless, do you think anyone cares about sweet? He is losing everything and we all know it. None of us can help our share of the breaking but you. You had a choice. You could've let him be happy and no one else got that choice! Christina won't get that choice! If I could stay with him I sure as hell would but _you _are the only one who could've helped yourself." She yells the last part and for a moment I can't help but marvel that someone so small and weak looking could hurt someone so easily.

And in that moment I feel something inside me switch. This is my moment of clarity in the chaos of my life. This is the moment where I can chose the right, or wrong, choice. I can leave Will and go to the fence and forget him. Or I can stay with him and destroy his relationship with everyone he loves. But both those options hurt him. And in that moment I know exactly what I should do, what I need to do. I need to stay, but not as his lover, as his friend. I need to fight for him when Christina finds out. I have to show her how much he loves her so she doesn't leave them. If that fails, I'll leave.

I look into Tris' eyes and smile at her. I thought she was just being mean but I was wrong, she did this. She gave me this moment in which I've decided the best possible way to handle this situation. I thought she'd pushed me too far but she pushed me just far enough. This was her goal. Damn. She is a genius.

"I'm going to go get an apartment." I say rising to my feet. I start to walk away but she grasps my wrist tightly. Her hold on me is loose and her hands are cold and soft against the skin of my wrist.

"Stay at mine until I get back. I have one you can use. Just have Four come here to the hospital when you get there, would you?" She asks letting me go.

"Sure." I say gently and I leave the room.

Will is sitting in the waiting room and I walk over to him. When he sees me he offers me a smile which doesn't reach his eyes. He gets to his feet and we walk out.

"How'd it go?" Will asks casually and I stop walking and look him dead in the eyes.

"I don't love you." I blurt out. He frowns. "At least not in the way I wanted to. It would be so much easier for Christina if we loved each other in that way and I tried so hard. While I packed my stuff to come to the compound I kept repeating in my mind that I loved you. If we loved each other it would've been simple for Christina. She could move on easily because you wouldn't love her, you would love me. She wouldn't have to choose between looking you in the eyes knowing you cheated and trying not to care or leaving you. But I don't love you. And I'm staying in the compound. I was offered a job like you were and I'm going to try and fix what I have broken so carelessly. If it's better I'll tell her, even."

Will wraps his arms around me and hugs me. I stiffen. I had expected him to be pissed at me for staying when I obviously have no reason to be with him since we don't love each other. I hug him back for a moment and then he lets me go. I reach for his hand and we walk together back to Tris' apartment.

**Tris POV-**

Maybe I should've been meaner. The girl did just destroy Christina and Will's life. But once I'm gone he's going to need a friend. I can't believe I'm supplying this girl with an apartment that I don't have. Zayn and Lena live there. What was I thinking? I press the nurse's button and Addison walks into my hospital room.

"You're not dying." She observes and I grin.

"I've noticed." I say back.

"What do you want me to do against the rules now?" She asks with a smile. Addison is so sweet. I never thought of her as Dauntless but whenever someone's dying she is bad ass.

"You know me so well. I want to call someone and I don't have a phone." I say and she tosses me her phone from her pocket. After all the times I've been with her I almost think of her as I friend now. I dial a number and wait.

"Hello?" A voice asks.

"Hey Lena," I say as lively as I can. I don't want to sound weak to her even though she's no longer my initiate.

"I was meaning to call you, Zayn and I are moving out. We painted Zayn's apartment and now we're moving there." She says cheerfully.

"Great, just thought I'd say hi." I hang up and hand Addison her phone. It feels heavier than it did when she had handed it to me and I almost drop it but she catches it before it reaches the ground.

"You need sleep. You're tired." She says. She fixes my pillows so I'm lying and turns off the lights in my room. She leaves and I let myself drift off.

**Christina POV-**

I wake up alone in what's supposed to be Will and I's apartment, but he's never here. Even now that he's back he hasn't slept here. What if he found someone else? What if he no longer loves me? I push that thought as far away as I can. He loves me. He would never do that. I look at the time and see its 4 pm. If he wasn't cheating and he still loved me then where is he?

I sigh and leave to go visit Tris at the hospital. She was supposed to leave an hour ago but they're keeping her there and she won't tell us why. What if her condition is worse? I can't lose her. I hate being excluded from all these things. Four probably knows. His name brings a frown to my face. I need to push away my jealousy for him and go see Tris. I spend all my time being a bitch and whining about how Tris is always with Four and not me. Maybe it's that way because instead of getting off my ass and seeing her I complain and whine.

When I get inside I lock eyes with Addison who leads me to Tris' room. Tris sits on her bed and there's another chair pulled up to the other side of the bed next to a table with a cup of ice chips on it. Addison must've been feeding her ice chips. Tris looks pale and her lips her chapped and cracked. I sit in the other chair and Addison hands me the ice chips before leaving.

"I don't need them. Addison insists on me being pampered though." Tris says and her voice is scratchy and tired.

"Are you okay? I mean you'd be home if you were, so why are you here?" I ask and Tris looks down at her hands.

"I'm fine but and I'll be fine, but you need to hold it together." Tris says and I scoff. She thinks that I'm heartbroken over her. She was never this selfish, she was always a little Abnegation and even now. I'm kind of shocked she would say something that self-obsessed. As if my life revolves around her.

"Since when were you so selfish?" I spit at her and wince as her face looks up to mine. She looks paler then she was before. She looks sicker than I've ever seen her. But worst of all she doesn't look hurt, her face is smooth and her expression is full of sorrow. I can't look into her eyes which are usually a sweet, warming blue but are instead a crisp, cold grey. As if someone had frozen them.

"You need to talk to Will." It's all she says and I know that's all she's going to give me.

I know her so well.

But perhaps

I don't know her,

at all.

**I hope you like it. PLEASE REVIEW**


	39. Chapter 39

**So I'm posting and I'll probably post even more this upcoming week. REVIEW**

**Chapter Thirty-Nine-**

**Tris POV-**

I know it's about ten minutes past four in the morning. I always know the time. I've spent enough time in a hospital bed to know how to measure time without a clock. It used to be confusing. Time seems to move much slower when you can't do anything and the beeping and buzzing of all the machines around you drives you utterly and completely insane. But I adjusted.

It doesn't matter that I had all this time to kill and I just decided to learn how to measure time, it matters why I've had all this free time to kill by learning to measure time. Exactly two weeks ago Christina was at my bed side and I told her to see Will. That day was the day everything was ruined. And it wasn't all my doing. I received and gave morbid news and Christina found out that night that the girl Will had spent the night with just the night before had slept with him only a week or so before. Everyone I loved seemed to fall apart and I was already trying so hard to pull myself together.

And nothing will ever be the same.

It's seems almost funny how things can fall apart so easily. What's even funnier is that I just let it.

**TWO WEEKS EARLIER**

**Tris POV-**

Christina's been gone for around two hours. That probably means it's been one hour at most. Time passes so slowly. Maybe that's a good thing, I mean I can live in a fantasy that I'm living twice as long but it's so lonely in a hospital room.

Christina had suspected there was something wrong with me and she wasn't wrong, I'm just not sure how right she was. Addison has been insisting it's just because even with the amazing medicines we have that make my surgeries so easy to recover from, she wants to make sure I heal properly. But I know her. And I've seen her hide bad news before. I'm probably more dead the usual. But the thing is, I really don't care.

When you're dying from a deadly disease like cancer, you're expected to be depressed. Even in Dauntless. Not the kind of depressed where you hurl yourself to the bottom of the chasm, the kind that just makes you want to just lie there and stare into nothingness, letting all the muscle you've gotten from living in Dauntless atrophy.

I never felt that way. I just wanted to get out of the damn bed and do something productive. I'm supposed to be asleep. That's what Addison wants me to do. She said I needed to rest to which I replied that I would have plenty rest when I was dead. She won't tell me what's wrong with me. At first I was content with not knowing but now I'm too curious to think about anything else but dying and death.

I'm tired. If Addison hadn't told me to sleep I probably would be asleep right now. But I want to know what she won't dare to say and I wouldn't be so anxious if she'd just let me go home instead of insisting I keep up my strength.

I mope for a while. I stare at the wall and think of all the horrible things that could be wrong with me besides the cancer.

And then Addison walks into my room.

It's feels as if my heart stopped but it obviously didn't because I can hear the obnoxious, rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor that I want so desperately to stop. Honestly I want my heart to stop because the beeping is going to drive me insane.

"Please," I whisper. I want to speak but I can't bring myself to do it. I must seem like a coward. I don't want to be a coward. Not only would being factionless insure my death in days but it would separate me and everyone I love in my final moments.

She tells me.

I don't think.

I don't breathe.

I just close my eyes and picture the one face that keeps me fighting.

I didn't overreact.

And yet, I did.

Addison told me what I wanted to know. She told me the truth. And the truth is I can't keep doing what I'm doing. I have to quit walking around Dauntless. I have to stop training for when the initiates come in a few months. I have to stop doing everything that makes me myself. I have to be more aggressive in treatment. I have to let them cut into me and carve out all the cancer and hope there's enough of me left to live. If I would've taken this route from day one maybe I would be better but I didn't. I tried chemo and radiation and it froze my condition but I can't live like this.

Addison lets me leave. I really should stay and consent for surgery and save my life but I want to talk to everyone first. I want to know what they think about it before I let them cut me open. It may not even work.

I don't tell anyone I'm coming home, I just go. Addison removes my IV and I promise to return in at most three days. A lot can happen in three days.

I struggle my way through the Pit and make my way to Christina and Will's apartment. I know Tobias will be at work. He needs the credits because my treatment is so expensive and I'm not allowed to work. I wonder if Aaron will be at their apartment.

During initiation Christina was kind of predictable but now you never know what she might do. Maybe when you love someone you change yourself in these little ways just to please them. Or maybe we've just grown up. Tobias is 19 now, Christina, Will, Uriah, Lynn and Marlene are all 17 and I'm not sure. Back in Abnegation we never celebrated any holidays about ourselves because that was considered selfish. I'm probably 17 but I'm not sure. But mentally we've all grown so much. Except maybe Uriah. But we all knew he would always be himself.

But then again,

we're all just children.

Running around with our secrets and lies.

**AARON POV-**

I slip out the back door of the compound. I can't. I won't. I don't. I run as fast and far away from Dauntless and the city as fast as I can. I love Will. But I've never been good at these things. As I run, the worst part is this feeling like I let that girl Tris down. I don't even know the girl and she just….. I'm not even sure why I care.

The thing I do best is run.

I bail.

But I hate this nagging feeling that Tris knew this. Tris knew I would give in and run like every other selfish person. That's why this hurts. She knew I would bail. She knew that under my kind exterior that I was cold and heartless. Even Finick never knew. I never felt the need to run from him though.

He was perfect.

Will is far from perfect.

Will loves someone else. Maybe I don't love him. My mind swirls with thoughts and shame and I don't stop. I'll never stop. Not until I'm out of the fence and even then I won't stop. I'll run until I fall over and die.

I watch everything blur behind me as I pass it easily. I don't need anything. I don't need anyone. I only need this. This feeling that I am all on my own. This feeling that I can't breathe yet I can't stop. The speed of my running is the only thing holding me together. If I stop I will fall apart. I'm running from everything I love and hate.

I stop. In this moment the truth runs too me. Tris knew I would run, but she knew me better then I knew myself. She knew that after I ran for so long I would know. She knew I would underestimate myself. How does she do it? I really would never run. She knew my every move before I made it. How?

**Tris POV-**

I make a turn before I get to Christina's apartment and head towards the back door we went through to go zip-lining. I wait there a few moments, sitting on the floor in the darkness alone before the light from outside pours through the door as it opens. I'm not sure why but I just knew what she was going to do. She slips inside and sees me. I know she figured it out. I'm not sure how I can read her so easily when no one else can begin to understand but I just feel like it's my job to make Christina happy and if she's the key I need her.

"You are seriously freaking me out. How do you do that?" Aaron looks at me in awe and I just shrug.

"I have no clue. Look if you go to this apartment my friend Lena will let you in and give you the keys." I say giving a piece of paper that I had written my apartment number earlier. She takes the paper from me and jogs up the steps leading back into the rest of the compound.

I wait a minute before I make my way up the steps slowly. I'm out of breath already. Shit. I forgot what Will told me while I was still at the hospital. My lungs are crap because of all the fluid that I had to drain from them. I know they're still weak and I should have a cannula right now but I don't. I didn't think about it and I should've. I regret it deeply as I walk up winding steps and then walk through twisting hallways I still don't know even after living here for after a year. I didn't think I'd need it if I'd just be gone for a few days but I'm worse than I thought. That's not the first time I've overestimated what I can do.

Before I go home I stop at the hospital and get three large tanks for at home and three small tanks I can wheel around so I can breathe. I call and Aaron comes to help me lug them back to my apartment. We get there and no one's there as I suspected. Tobias expects me to be at the hospital so he's probably off at work and won't be back for an hour or so. I put all of them in the closet but one small and one large one. Aaron goes home and I'm left alone, lying on my bed hooked up to the large one I left out.

I wait and think. I think about how Christina will react and what will happen to Aaron in the mix of it. I think about whether or whether not they'll break up and if I die I'll play a part in that. I think about what would happen to Tobias if I died and whether he would fall in love with someone else. I wonder if the surgeries will hurt as bad as it did when I got brain surgery. I wonder about if I'll die on the table or die later in recovery if I even make it to my first surgery. I wonder about if I'll make it to the new initiates that'll come in a few months. If I do I doubt I'll be in any shape to train them.

Then the door opens.

I get up and walk into the kitchen, leaving the tank behind after turning it off. Tobias doesn't look shocked that I'm home but then again the noise of the tank kind of gave me away. He walks straight towards me and pulls me into his arms. I set my hands on his waist and he rest his face in the crook of my neck. I can feel every breath he takes, warm against me skin. We stand there like that for a few minutes and then he speaks, not moving.

"Are you okay?" His voice is soft and full of concern but the question stings. Tears burn the back of my eyes and try so hard not to cry. I can't stop a few tears from spilling over. He doesn't acknowledge them because he knows I hate crying.

"I need surgeries. As in multiple. Addison says if I don't get them soon I'll die sooner." I say and he lifts his face up and his eyes meet mine. He doesn't let go. I know he won't.

"Are you going to do them? I can't lose you again, Tris. I can't do that again." He says almost desperately but I know him well enough to know he's not desperate, just upset. My being in pain hurts him almost just as much. Every needle and chemo injection I get, he feels it too.

"I'm going to do it. The hardest part of this is the thought of losing you. I don't want to lose you. I won't lose you and suck it up because you're stuck with me." I say lightly and he presses his lips to my temple as he did in the hallway during initiation. The only difference is he holds me tighter as if he's afraid that when he lets me go I won't stay by him but run off and never look back. I pull closer to him and press my lips to his softly. Every time I kiss him I fall in love even more and judging by the expression on his face and the redness of his eyes that tells me he was crying to, he feels it too.

**Caleb POV-**

Sometimes being intelligent is a pain in the ass. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in Abnegation because even though not knowing was horrible, knowing the extent of your little sisters deadly disease is fucking hell. I know she is probably going to die. I get that. But I don't want to. I want to be like her reckless Dauntless friends who are oblivious to just how awful her disease is. I know and I would trade anything not to.

I have been an atrocious brother. I saw her and all I could do was complain about the fact that her boyfriend was two years older and was her trainer. I used to think of her as weak and childish but every night I call the hospital in the Dauntless compound and speak to her nurse Addison and now I know I've underestimated her. Sometimes all she says is hospital gossip about her and Four but I know she loves him and she isn't one of those girls who'll fall for just about anyone. He must mean a lot to her if she claims to love him and I'm sure he loves her back.

I know it's already 11 PM but I have to see her and apologize to her and Four. I've been cruel and I can't let her die in surgery without knowing I love her and I support every decisions she plans to make. I make my way to the Dauntless compound.

**Tris POV-**

When I tell Christina about the surgeries and all she brings me a bottle of alcohol and offers to stay home with me whenever Four's working. I insist that I'm okay and she leaves but tells me to call her when I wake up if Four's gone. I unscrew the cap of the alcohol and before I can take a sip Tobias grabs the bottle.

"Are you joking? You're actually going to drink that?" He asks bewildered and I smirk at him.

"I'm going to die anyways, might as well have some fun." I offer and he nods but he grabs the cap of it anyways and screws it shut.

"Well if you want to have the whole experience then you should follow me." He says smirking as well.

He takes my hand in one and the bottle in the other. I grab my small oxygen tank and I wheel it behind me with my free hand. He pulls me through the Pit and the whole time I find myself smiling anxiously. Every so often someone glances at us weird but I ignore them. I spot Aaron in the crowd who looks at me confused but I only see her for a moment and then I rush to get closer to Tobias' pace.

And then I know where he's taking me. We stop at the railing of the chasm and I laugh lightly.

"Ah yes, flirting with death is my favorite thing to do on my free time." I say lightly and I know that this is going to be interesting. I hope we can talk about something other than cancer and the endless pit of despair that has become my shitty life.

Tobias unscrews the bottle and takes a sip before handing it to me. I take it and take a sip. It burns my throat but I don't care. I've felt things that hurt son badly the pain was unimaginable. This is nothing.

"Want to go down?" He asks pointing his head to the bottom of the chasm and I grin.

"Yes."

I spot Zeke as we walk down the rocks and to the bottom of the chasm. He sees us and smiles and I smile back. Once we're at the bottom we walk past a few large rocks, Tobias holds up my oxygen tank so I can walk easier. We find the rock we sat on the first time we kissed. We've been down here few times since then but I'm glad we're here now. I slip off my shoes and put my feet in the water, Tobias does the same before opening the bottle again and handing it to me. I take a sip and it feels nice to be sitting with my feet in the cool water. In this moment I feel fearless

**Zeke POV-**

I lean against the railing of the chasm and smile when I look down and see two small figures on the rocks below. I know Four and Tris are down there. When she smiled at me I felt something inside me twist because for the first time in a very long time I know it wasn't forced. I'm not friends with Tris but Uriah is and Four loves her so when she's not happy something feels wrong for me too. I have nothing against her. If she were an initiate when I was I probably would've fallen for her too but I've never had a sense of that sort of relationship with her anyways. I like someone else.

I looks down at them, smiling for a few minutes when a boy in blue clothes walks up to me. Erudite. I sigh and look at him expectantly. He looks oddly familiar but I'm not sure why, I'm not very fond of the Erudite.

"I'm looking for Tris Prior, I believe you know her." He says and I groan.

"Come back on visiting day, she's busy." I say coldly.

"Do you really think she'll make it to visiting day? Let alone next month? She's my sister and I don't give a shit if I shouldn't be here because I love her and she's going to die soon." He spits at me and I glance down at Four and Tris at the bottom of the chasm. I know Four had alcohol and now may not be the best time to see her but on the other hand he deserves to see her.

"Come with me." I say and I walk to a hidden hallway and open the door to the chasm. I hear the water crashing against the rocks and let him through. "You'll find them somewhere on the rocks."

**Caleb POV-**

The boy leaves and I can faintly hear voices. I follow them quietly not to bother them and duck behind a rock when I'm close. I don't mean to be creepy but I can see a bottle in Tris' hand and now might not be the best time to speak so I'll leave if it's not and come back tomorrow but there's no other way to find out without causing a scene. I crouch down and listen in on their conversation.

**Tris POV-**

We sit there in silence for a while, passing the bottle back and forth until it's half empty. I sigh before taking another sip.

"I love you." I blurt and I feel my cheeks get warm. He looks over at me and laughs.

"You're really funny when you're drunk." He says and the alcohol seems to have no affect on him.

"Seriously. If I make it to my 18th birthday I'm going to marry you, I love you enough to promise that." I say and he wraps his arm around my waist.

"You don't have to say that, you'll live and if you want we don't have to marry until we're 50." Tobias says and he kisses my cheek. I take a long sip before handing it to him and speaking.

"This isn't the alcohol talking, if I make it to 18 I want to get married because I know now that I shouldn't waste time to live." I say and I kiss him lightly.

"Okay." He says simply.

"If I could choose where I die it would be here. I don't want to leap or anything I just think that this'd be a nice place to close my eyes and never open them." I say carefully and I mean it.

"Let's hope you won't have to close your eyes for a long time." He says.

"What would you do if I died in surgery?" I ask and I don't regret it as I thought I would. I really want to know. I want to know what everyone will do but mainly Tobias. He takes a sip and hands it to me.

"I love you and I would do anything for you but could we please not talk about this? I can't imagine the thought of living without you." He says and I press my lips to his. God, I love him. He puts his hands on my face and pulls me closer to him. I don't want him to let go of me. I don't want him to let go. And he never will.

**Caleb POV-**

They kiss and I know I should leave now. I need to shoot out of this dangerous pit while they're distracted. I can go to their apartment and wait for them. It may be a little rude to just show up but I think she'll appreciate me coming. Maybe not.

I get to my feet and sprint of the door quietly and make it out before they notice. Thank god.

**Tris POV-**

I pull away for air and smile at him. My forehead is pressed against him and all I can think is how much I love him. I've been so busy lately I haven't even noticed how much I love him. But I do.

In this moment I feel exhausted. Not because of the cancer, for once, but because I'm human and I get tired sometimes like everyone else. I yawn and I can sense Tobias' smile without opening my eyes. He wraps his other arm around me and I put my head into his shoulder and no matter how hard I struggle I fall asleep.

**Tobias POV-**

I hear her breaths even and I smile into her hair. I swing her knees over my arm and she unconsciously wraps her arms around her neck so she doesn't fall out of my arms. The only way I can carry her and her oxygen tank is if I leave the empty bottle at the bottom of the chasm so I do. I carry her and her tank through the Pit which is mostly empty at this hour except for a few drunk Dauntless.

I rarely get drunk. On one hand I don't find it desirable and then there's the fact that Zeke was always drinking and I've just gotten so used to the feeling of alcohol in blood that it no longer affects me. Tris on the other hand has never drank before, at least not to my knowledge.

I open the door with difficulty and carry Tris to the bed. I tuck her under a blanket and switch out her little oxygen tank for the large one that's sitting beside the bed. She never wakes up as I do this.

I look at her for a moment. She looks so young when she sleeps, as if she's still a little girl back in Abnegation dying to get out. She looks a lot stronger than she did after I took her back here after she was beaten in initiation. I make a split second decision to go to the control room. I'm not tired and I can't sit here in silence. The silence is too loud for me.

**Caleb POV-**

This time I decide to go to her apartment rather than her boyfriends. Last time I went there I just made a bigger mess then I wanted too. Or maybe I did want a mess. This whole experience has opened my eyes to how much older she acts then she did in Abnegation. God, she was drinking tonight. And she basically just got engaged too. I'm not sure what I think about that.

I knock on the door. I'm not sure why, I don't have a key but I know she's down in that chasm. I do it anyways.

"One second!" A female voice calls from inside. I hear rapid footsteps and the door opens. A girl in loose, black sweat pants and a black tank top opens the door. She has make up smudged under her eyes that she was most likely wearing earlier and never took off. Her brown hair is pulled in a messy bun and she has a cup of coffee I her one hand and a book in the other. Behind her I see a huge book shelf. I didn't know Dauntless read.

"Who the fuck are you?" She asks looking me up and down.

"I could say the same for you. What the hell are you doing in my sister's apartment?" I ask. I don't know when I started cursing I just did.

"Tris has a brother from Erudite? Interesting." She says and she opens the door wider so I can come in but she never answers my question.

"So who are you?" I ask her.

"A friend, I guess. I needed a place to stay and she's letting me stay here. She's not here." She states.

"Yeah, I know where she is. I was just going to stay here tonight because I know she lives at Four's but if you live here I can go." I say and she shakes her head.

"I have a perfectly good couch if you want. I was just about to go to bed." She gesturing to a black couch. I thank her and we both go asleep.

**I hope you liked it I'll probably post in a few days since I'm on vacation so I get to just type all day and night. I was seriously considering making Caleb screw up their moment but just his stalker presence should be enough for you guys. REVIEW IT TAKES LIKE THREE SECONDS**


	40. Chapter 40

**Okay I'm posting the very next day and it's shorter then I usually make my chapters. I just want to complete this whole part of this story. Plus I need some time to think of the scenes that I want to play out. It may take a while. I'm always open to suggestions! Just PM me or REVIEW**

**~Sofia**

**Chapter Forty-**

**Tris POV-**

I open my eyes and they immediately hurt from the brightness of the lights. I sit up and my head aches. Not a cancer ache, no, not that bad, something else. Something I've never felt before. I'm not sure what. I groan. I look next to me and see its 11 AM and Tobias is gone. Shocker.

I get to my feet and walk into the kitchen. Every step sends a jolt to my head that stings. I'm not hungry. I'm never hungry. I really should go back to the hospital tonight. I have to stay there a few days before they can actually operate. But I don't feel like leaving until Tobias is back.

Christina told me to call her but she's probably going to find out tonight what Will did and if she's over here Will can't tell her. Instead I decide to lie down on the couch and stare at the white ceiling until it burns my eyes and I close them. It's weird how tired I feel. Maybe it's because I took off my oxygen for the ten seconds it took to grab my small tank. Maybe I'm just tired from chemo. Or maybe I'm just human.

Someone knocks on the door and I take a deep breath and decide not to answer and just let them go away. I'm not in the mood for anyone other than Tobias who has his own key considering it was his apartment first. They knock again. You'd think Dauntless would know how other Dauntless minds work but I guess not. Tobias told me back when he was still Four to me that the leaders want us to think a certain way. It was meant in a much huger scheme of things that never happened since Eric is dead but still it applies here.

I get up and bang open the door coldly. The person who stands in front of me isn't wearing the clothes I expected, they're blue. Caleb. I feel anger rush through my veins and I go to slam the door in his face but he stops me but hitting the door with his hand.

"Go the fuck away." I spit so coldly it surprises myself. Two Dauntless girls walking through the hallway look at us strangely and move around a corner thinking I can't see them spying on us. The Dauntless do love gossip. Everyone knows that.

"Just listen to me." He says softly, unaffected by my comment as I'd expected.

"Why would I ever listen to _you_?" I remark in a deadly cold voice. I try to slam the door again but he catches it once again and sighs as if this is exactly what he'd expected from me. And he should. I don't give a damn if he called Four when I passed out in his apartment, he did it because he couldn't take me back to the compound.

"Because I'm your brother." He says smoothly. That gets the Dauntless girl's attention. Cancer Stiff has an Erudite brother. The average gossip about me.

"You're wasting my oxygen, which as you can tell by the tank I don't have a lot of it." I say and the girls snicker. God, can't they go away?

"Just let me in." He says and I glance at the girls. If he's going to be difficult it might as well be in private. I grab his arm and pull him into my apartment. I slam the door. That better shut those bitches up.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"To apologize. I'm sorry I acted as if you were still a child when I found out about Four, I'm sure he loves you. And I'm sorry I didn't apologize earlier." He says and I step forward and hug him. Partially because I'm ever so grateful he came and said that, partially because I'm getting unsteady from standing for so long.

The door to my apartment swings open and I let go of Caleb to see Christina, fuming, in my door way. She slams shut the door and I see that she's not only pissed but she's crying. Oh god. She found out. Will told her. And he must've mentioned telling me.

"You stupid bitch! How the hell could you keep something like that from me?! How could you not tell me my fiancé slept with someone else?!" She yells and Caleb awkwardly rushes out. I feel kind of bad. He came all this way and I never even got to tell him how much I love him. Before he walks out he stops and locks eyes with me. As if he knew what I was thinking he mouths _I know _and he leaves.

"I'm sorry." I say tiredly.

"I thought we were friends." She whispers coldly, pauses, then adds "And I'm counting down the days until you die. God, how I hope it's soon."

And then she's gone, just like that.

And I can't breathe.

I sit down and try to take deep breaths of my oxygen and it just makes the pain worse. Every breath hurts. I can't even cry. I clutch my chest and beg for the pain to stop. How could she say something so heartless? I get that she's upset but she was my friend and she knew exactly where to hit me. That was cruel. I can't believe she could do that.

I can't just sit here after what just happened. I pack up a few comfy outfits in a black duffel bag. I grab a small comb, my hair is barely longer the Tobias' which he cuts Abnegation short. I switch to my small tank and before leaving I write Tobias a short note.

_IV-_

_I'm going to the hospital. Don't come in visit unless Addison calls you. I'll be home in a few weeks. If I die I want our lasts moments together be last night. I want you to remember me as I was and not this weak, dying girl I've become. _

_I love you more than anything and if you love me enough you won't come to me, you'll let me come to you eventually._

_-VI_

I leave the apartment and make my way to the hospital. Addison is on the phone at the nurses' station. When she sees me she says she has to go and hangs up. She smiles at me and I look away. She walks near me and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't ask, just cut me open." I say and she leads me deeper into the hospital.

**Two Weeks Later-**

Christina never comes to apologize. Either she's took sorry to face me or she's proud of what she says. Tobias never calls and I'm almost glad. No one visits me. I just lie here with a large bandage over a healing incision from my surgery a week ago. Addison said it looks like if I go home and keep up on a higher dose of chemo less frequently I'll be fine. Maybe I'll live, but I'll never be fine.

**I didn't really want Christina to be a raging bitch but this happened and what the fuck, I'm going with it. REVIEW**

**~Sofia**


	41. Chapter 41

**I'm updating for a third time this week. Owned. REVIEW since I did this for you guys**

**-Sofia**

**Chapter Forty-One**

**Tobias POV-**

Every second I stare at my screen in the control room I feel guilty. Tris told me not to see her but she's been gone for two weeks and I can't help but wonder if she wants me to come and visit her. I don't know what she wants. I'm not sure _she _knows what she wants either. But if she really wanted me there she'd call. Go, I hope I'm right.

**Will POV-**

I'm sitting on the couch in Tris' old apartment which is now Aarons. She makes herself some tea before sitting on the couch next to me. We've been together all the time since Christina left me. I'm not sure if she comes back but if she does she won't be any happier.

"Have you heard anything from Christina?" Aaron asks and I shake my head. Surprising Aaron's been really helpful about this situation. I thought it'd be awkward but we're still as close as we were before. Aaron took me in when Christina found out. When I told her all she said was get out.

I heard what she said to Tris. I'm not sure if I'd want her back. I mean I feel bad for Tris and all but if she has the nerve to say something like that to anyone I'm not sure if she's the one for me. I haven't heard from Tris at all. I went to the hospital a few time but no one would let me see her. I hope she's okay, I hope she's not mad at me. I hope she's alive.

"Nothing." I say and she sighs.

"Just give her another week or so and then maybe you should accept defeat. If she won't speak to you no matter how hard you're trying then maybe it's a hopeless cause." Aaron suggest and I smirk.

"Thanks' for sugar coating it." I say and she smiles as she drinks her tea.

"Suck it up." She says.

"Whatever."

**Caleb POV-**

I'm staring at a computer screen looking up interesting facts when my mind wanders to somewhere else. It wanders to a place that I wish it wouldn't. Tris. I stop reading about water purification and look up something else. Stage IV metastatic melanoma. The hopeless cause. I know Tris is going to die soon but I still have this feeling inside me that makes me hate myself. Hope. Hope is pointless when all logical explanations say otherwise. I know that from being Erudite. But I can't stop how I feel. She's my sister and I can't believe she's going to die and there's nothing I can do to save her. I haven't seen her in two weeks and she might be dead in two minutes.

I read for hours until its pitch black outside and I'm all alone in the library. I keep reading and every website says the same thing; it's a gift she made it this far. I close out and go outside of the compound.

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. I'm supposed to be sleeping or researching something informational topic quietly in my apartment. But instead I'm going against faction rules for the second time in two weeks and running towards a whole other faction. One I grew up in. One I chose to leave so easily. One I was dying to get out of even at the cost of everyone I love.

Every house in Abnegation looks the same but I know who lives at every single one. Everyone knew everyone. I stop in front of my old home. The lights are out except for the one in the kitchen. The Abnegation aren't forced to sleep but it's considered selfish to stay up late for enjoyment.

I open the door. They don't lock their doors, they trust each other. It's not like the stupidity of the Amity to leave the compound unlocked because they trust everyone to care it's just the Abnegation are so selfless they don't have the need to sneak inside other homes or steal things because that's selfish.

At the table sits a familiar face. My mom. She isn't facing me but I know exactly who she is. She stares at the wall silently, all alone. I walk silently and she doesn't notice me. I don't want to startle her but there's no other way. I put my hand on her shoulder and she looks back at me. Her eyes wide and shocked.

"Caleb, you look well." She says softly because her faction requires her not to get emotional and be, in a sense, happy. She can't show how glad she is that her child came to see her because it could be considered selfish to do that.

"Mom, Tris is dying." I blurt out and for a moment a pained expression flashes over her face but she stops it.

"That's awful but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. I don't mean to be selfish and not help but it's clear she would like me to stay out of it. She came by to see Susan over two months ago and made it clear she'd like it if I don't interfere with it until she says so." She says slowly without emotion.

"Screw what she said over two months ago! She's your daughter, you can't just let her die. How could you just sit there and do nothing. That's just selfish." I yell at her and I immediately feel bad and judging by how calm she looks she knows I didn't mean that. I hear footsteps and I turn to see my father walk downstairs, half asleep.

"What's going on?" He demands tiredly, not recognizing me yet.

"Caleb stopped by to inform me that Tris isn't doing well, I was just about to offer him some tea." She says sweetly, my dad looks shocked.

"Caleb?" He breathes.

"Why don't you sit down?" My mom asks and I nod. It's time they knew the details and I know they aren't allowed to ask.

**Another Two Weeks Later**

**Tris POV-**

I pack up all my stuff and put it into my duffel bag. I didn't tell anyone I was being discharged, I'm just leaving. No one ever came, to that I am eternally grateful. I sign off some papers for surgery and payment and what ever the hell else. Addison hugs me goodbye and when she does I notice she's crying.

"What's wrong? Am I going to die?" I ask. She said two weeks ago that I'd be fine, and then I had to more procedures to drain fluid from around my lungs and cut out as much cancer as the cancer all the while getting radiation and chemo therapy at extreme doses.

"No, I think you're going to live." She says, sniffles and walks away. I can't help but grin.

I stop at the bathroom and look at my hair real quick before leaving. I comb it and for once the comb is too short to reach my scalp through my hair. My hair isn't quite a pixie but it's short and fluffy on top of my head. It doesn't look as long as it really is, since its blond but it works.

I sling my bag back over my shoulder and glance in the mirror one more time before walking out with a huge smile across my face. I should be lying down doing nothing at home but I don't feel tired, I feel alive. For the first time since I was diagnosed I actually feel fine. I have cancer, and I'm living with it. Maybe I'll have cancer until I die and maybe it'll get worse and kill me but this, this is unbelievable.

I smile and wave at some doctors and nurses that I met on my way out. I walk through the Pit and towards my apartment. I probably seem like a blubbering idiot in my black dancer shorts and tank top with a large black duffle thrown over my shoulder but I could care less. This is the best moment of my life. Correction, the best moment is upcoming. Not my wedding but the moment I see Tobias again.

I try and open the door to our apartment but it's locked. I forgot my keys. Shoot. I knock a few times without luck. Tobias must be at dinner. Why didn't I think about it? It's around 5:30 so he's probably at the dining hall.

I make my way there and walk into the crowded dining hall. I don't see any of my friends so I just go and get food. Tonight we have hamburgers, I smile yet again as I get one and a slice of Dauntless cake. I go to our usual table but it's filled with strange Dauntless. Where is everyone?

I eat alone at a table of strangers. A few people recognize me and whisper things but that's average for me. After I'm done I grab a bottle of water and walk to the control room. My only theory is Zeke and Uriah are having a party and everyone is getting ready and Tobias is working.

I slip into the control room and walk to Tobias' screen. The chair is empty. He's not here. Maybe he went home while I was eating. I walk there and it's still empty. I try everyone's apartment, even Christina's. I knock on Aaron's and no one answers. No one's home.

I slip out of the compound. I don't know where to go so I go to the pier and Ferris wheel. I don't know why they'd be there other than to play capture the flag but who knows. I get close enough and I see a few figures. I see Christina, Will, Uriah, Zeke, Aaron and Tobias all leaning around the carousel. Tobias looks awkward, as if he doesn't really want to be there. I can only see their backs. I don't want to be creepy but I want to know why they're all gathered.

I slip onto the other side of the carousel and duck behind a horse. I can see their backs but they can't see me. They're all leaning against horses. Will and Christina hold hands and Christina doesn't seem to be straining not to kill Aaron, she seems contempt with her presence. So she can forgive the girl who slept with her fiancé but she can't forgive her best friend for knowing before her, even though she's dying. Instead she made it clear she hated me and wanted me to die.

"Do you think she's dead?" Aaron asks and everyone looks at her. "I'm just being honest here. I mean we haven't heard from her in a month and every time we try to visit they say she isn't there."

"God I hope she's not, I don't want the last thing I said to her to be _I'm counting down the days until you die. God, I hope it's soon._ She was my best friend and I can't believe I said that. I mean I didn't mean it, I was overreacting and she never did anything that could possibly compare with what I did." Christina says and I blush. I'm still mad but after a month without her I can't help but miss her obnoxious, shopping self.

"She's not dead. Look why am I here?" Tobias asks and I close my eyes for a moment. God, how I missed that voice.

"We need to march into the hospital tomorrow and demand to see Tris, and we need to plan a time and place to meet. We need you because you have a bigger relationship then everyone else with Tris." At this I rise from my crouch and walk around to them. Everyone stares in shock.

"I'm right here." I say lightly and Christina sobs. She lets go of Will and rushes to hug me. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm an idiot or I have a brain tumor and it's clouding my judgment, but I hug her back.

After a moment I let go of her and wrap my arms around Tobias. His arms go around me and he leans his forehead in the crook of my neck. He holds me tightly for a while and I don't want his arms to ever let me go again. I bet it's awkward for everyone else, to have their friends holding each other like this but I don't care. I hold him for a while longer and then he lets me go greet everyone else. I hug Will and Uriah and even Zeke and Aaron.

Christina fills me in on everything. Christina and Will made up. Christina agreed that Aaron was a nice girl and he needed a friend as long as that's all he saw her as. Aaron and Uriah are going out. That was a huge part of why Christina allowed Will to be friends with her. That's about it. Everyone else is the same.

Tobias and I go back to our apartment and everyone else goes home. I put away my clothes from my bag before sitting down on the bed with Tobias. I know he want's me to talk.

"The doctors think I can live like this for a few more years if I am the miracle case they think I am." I say but that's not what he wants.

"You walked out. You just walked it leaving this pathetic excuse of a note and didn't contact me for a month. You might as well have just run away from the compound for enough because I couldn't even get a damn _I'm alive, don't worry_." He says coldly and I feel guilty. I didn't really get time to miss him. It was always eat, hydrate, prep for surgery, go get scans, go to sleep. I never had a second to think about anyone. Yet I had all this time to kill. Being in a hospital is weird like that.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly and I really mean it. I feel a few tears spill down my cheeks and I realize how cruel that was. That was more unforgivable then what Christina said. How could I do that to him? I must be heartless. I never even thought about him. I never thought he's be upset. I'm so stupid.

He stands up and walks around the bed to sit next to me. He wraps an arm around me and I lean my head on his shoulder. I don't deserve this kindness. In a whole month I thought about him about three times. I'm cold and heartless. I don't deserve him.

"I just missed you. It's not your fault, you made perfect sense in that note." Tobias says and I stop crying. I was barely crying but now I'm not at all. I wipe my mind and think about only him. But no amount of thinking about him will ever make up for forgetting about him.

**Well if you didn't like it fuck you. I feel really pumped, I'm listening to Rat A Tat by FALL OUT BOY BITCHES and I want to curse and burn down the would so FUCK EVERYONE WHO ISN'T INTO SOME SORT OF FANDOM AND JUDGE US!**

**Review Young Bloods;)**

**Or Young Volcanoes**

**Fall Out Boy lovers get me**

**Review**


	42. Chapter 42

**Okay I'm posting yet again. I'm throwing chapter after chapter because once school starts I'll have close to no time to type and you'll get like one chapter a month so I thought I'd be nice to give you extra before hand. Anyways REVIEW.**

**Chapter Forty-Two**

**A few months later**

**Tris POV-**

I wake up and roll over to see it's already eight am. I get up and unhook myself from my oxygen tank and go to shower. Everyone in Dauntless has been excited for today and I am too. I'm excited mostly because I've been living with cancer for a year now and I've learned to manage it. For the first few months I was a pathetic train wreck whose brain was clouded from the drugs and was always silently complaining about having to lug around an oxygen tank. Now I've grown up and gone on in my life. I've been working extremely flexible hours at the tattoo parlor. Tori is constantly forcing me to leave if I cough once, even if it's just to clear my throat. But I don't mind it, she doesn't question me when I say I have to go home.

Uriah and Aaron are still together and Christina is friends with her now. At first she went ballistic but she's come to her senses and been really good about the whole situation. I've gotten to know Aaron a lot better and I really like her. She's basically a mix of Will and Uriah in personality and she's really funny. She fills in for me at the tattoo shop for me and works at one of the clothing stores when she's not filling in for me. A lot of people really like her, she's badass but she's actually quite sweet.

Lynn and Marlene are the same as always. They're still together but Lynn's at the fence a lot. She's coming back for a while though, she gets here today. Marlene really misses her. It confuses me, Marlene is sweet and funny and Lynn is—not to be rude because I truly love her—is mean. Nonetheless they're a cute couple. It's kind of funny to see them together since they're such opposites.

Christina and Will just got engaged again and planning to get married after initiation. They're both 18 now and Tobias is 20 and I'm not sure. I have no idea when my birthday is. Aaron said I should just act like my birthdays the day of the Choosing ceremony so I can remember when it is every year so we're just assuming I'm 18. Christina and Will haven't had any fights recently. Nothing's really changed between them, they're still the same people they were two years ago.

Tobias and I are still together and happy. But we've both changed a lot since I was diagnosed. We're no longer weary of letting people know we're together. He'll hold my hand in public and sit with me at dinner. I think a little bit of that is because I could die at any second and it's pointless to waste an opportunity to be happy. Basically the only thing that's changed is me. I've grown up. I've stopped complaining. I've gotten much stronger. My life no longer revolves around my condition. I've moved on.

I get out of the shower and dress into black jean shorts and a loose, small black shirt that's soft in the front and black lace in the back. I put on converses and line my eyes. Today they look much darker than usual, almost as dark as Tobias'. I look in the mirror and I stare at my hair. This is the third time it's been cut all the way off. The first time it grew back normal. The second time it grew back a dirty blond. This time it's a dark brown. I liked my blond hair the best but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm doing a second round of chemo and this time my hair isn't falling out. It was cut off for surgery and then it grew back and then it fell out twice from chemo but it's been over a month name and it's grown into a pixie. I have side bangs with a dark blue highlight in it. I'm not sure why I dyed it, it just seemed like something I should do. I've been feeling as if I'm not Dauntless anymore now that I'm sick and not as strong as I should be so I felt like I needed to at least look the part, and I truly do.

I comb my hair quickly before walking out of the bathroom. Aaron sits at the kitchen counter eating an apple. Last night I slept at my old apartment. Aaron, Christina and I were all hanging out and I didn't feel like making the trek home so I just slept here.

"Are you excited?" Aaron asks me and I put my cannula on and sit down beside her. She smiles at me. Her hair is a dark blue **(A/N if you aren't sure what shade it is look up TARDIS and it's that shade of blue) **and reaches a few inches past her shoulders and she has side bangs. Her eyes are blue, green and gold. She throws out her apple core and I take a moment to respond to her because I'm not sure.

"I guess, I mean I'm not sure if I'm capable of doing this without getting worse. The chemo's working but I'm not sure to what extent." I explain and she nods. I can tell by the look in her eyes that she understands.

"That doesn't answer my question." She says smirking and I sigh.

"Fine, I'm excited." I give in. I'm actually pretty excited to train the new initiates again. But then again I'm not. Alex, last year's Abnegation transfer, left Dauntless. He said it was too cruel and everyone was selfish. I wonder what changed his mind, he was an amazing fighter and he had a lot of friends and now he's factionless. He said the only reason he joined was because he got Dauntless as a result and he was trying to act the part. I checked and he wasn't lying. But now I've given up on the slight chance an Abnegation will come flying down that net.

The thing I'm most excited for is Visiting day. I truly hope my mom comes, I want to see her. I also want to see Caleb and tell him how much I missed him. But I have about a week until that happens.

The initiation process has been changed this year. Max put Tobias and me in charge with the program. He'd said that after examining it he thought Eric's method was a little too cruel. We spent around a month planning it out until it was harsh but not cruel so it ensured strong, ready Dauntless without turning them into monsters. And we made it to protect divergence without it being obvious we were covering up our own tracks.

The initiates would have to jump and get the tour and then eat. We'd teach them how to shoot and throw knives the first day. The second day they'd start off with perfecting whichever they were worse at; knives or guns and then they'd do punching bags until the day was over. We changed the simulation process quite dramatically. Now when they do individual fears they're supposed to be aware it's all fake, our excuse was that in the fear landscape they're aware anyways and it was too cruel to make them think it was all real, that it could scar the minds of otherwise perfect Dauntless to the point that they aren't emotionally fit for the faction and need help as it was doing to my class and the one after me. They'd still fight each other but the matches would be until one is injured enough to surrender. Making them beat up each other as it was could potentially kill or severely injure an initiate and again could make them handicapped and unfit to be Dauntless even though they were before. In the end they would go through two other fear landscapes before their own. The first day of landscapes they'd run and exercise all morning and then in the afternoon go through one fear of a fellow Dauntless and it will be assured that they aren't going through a fear they already have. Then they will ask a fellow initiate to go through their whole landscape even if they share a fear and if someone has already gone through that landscape. This assures they understand exactly how it feels to go through a landscape before they go through their own on the last day of initiation. We felt this initiation process seemed fair but difficult enough that it ensured only the most Dauntless people got to stay.

I wait as Aaron gets dressed before going to meet everyone at the net. I'm actually really excited to work with Tobias again even if I can't do much with since I have to lug around an oxygen tank. At first I was concerned I would set a bad example for being Dauntless because I have an oxygen tank and that might make me look weak but Aaron and Christina talked sense into me that it made me one of the best examples since I was living with cancer and still being more Dauntless then some Dauntless. I guess that makes sense.

Aaron comes out of the bathroom in a loose black skirt that reaches just above her knee, a loose black and white striped shirt that has sleeves down to her elbow and it low cut so if she reaches up you can see her stomach and a black fedora. I'm not sure why she's wearing a hat but it looks cute with her outfit. I'm also a little shocked that there's something in Dauntless that has white on it, usually it's just black and bright colors.

"I'm experimenting with hats, what do you think?" She asks twirling around.

"Perfect, but don't you wear contacts?" I say motioning to the glasses on her face. I hadn't noticed them but now I see that she has on boxy glasses with black frames. They match her outfit perfectly.

"Yeah but I'm out of contacts and I may be Dauntless but I'm lazy as fuck so I'm not going to the store to buy more anytime soon." Aaron explains and I laugh. Now that we're closer I've found she curses quite frequently and she has a great sense of humor. She's also extremely pretty. I mean I noticed it the first time I met her but somehow the more I know about her the prettier she seems to me.

She goes through the Pit and I go out the back door. I was supposed to be in the crowd at the choosing ceremony but I'm not supposed to be running and I'm supposed to be the one who jumps first to make it clear to the initiates should be jumping. So instead I'm supposed to wait on the train for the initiates and pretend that I've been there the whole time.

I get into a train car and wait about ten minutes for the train to finish its course and then it turns around and I'm heading full speed towards the hob. It slows down once I'm close so the initiates are able to jump.

Then I see a flood of black on the train tracks and Dauntless members swing themselves into the cars. I see a few other colors but no grey. That's what I thought. Dauntless members poor into my train car and I spot Tori. She sees me and comes to the back of the train car with me.

"I didn't see you in the crowd." Tori says and I nod.

"I wasn't there. I'm not supposed to run so I had to wait here." I say annoyed. I miss running. That sounds really weird but I do miss it. You don't know what you really appreciate until you can't have it anymore.

"That sucks, well at least you get to jump again. What about your oxygen?" Tori says motioning to the tank leaning on my ankle.

"When we jump off the train I'll have to carry but before I jump off the building Aaron said I could throw it down and she'd hold it until I've jumped so I don't have to worry about that." I explain.

"So you won't be able to breathe when you jump?" She asks concerned and I shake my head.

"I can breathe without it but only for short periods of time. I can go about forty-five minutes without it before it gets hard to breathe now, but I'm still forced to carry it around." I say and she nods.

We stand there for about ten minutes before I see the compound. I remember it felt like half an hour the first time because of all guilt and terror I was feeling from choosing Dauntless and leaving my family.

I stand at the edge of the train car and as we near the roof I lift up my oxygen tank. And then I jump. This time when I land I don't fall or even stumble I land perfectly in a crouch and walk with my oxygen tank wheeling behind me. Max starts talking and everyone gathers around the ledge I now stand on.

"The second act of courage you must perform will be demonstrated by your instructor Six." Max says. I hear a few snickers and I'm not sure if it's because of my name, size or the oxygen tank.

I pull off my cannula and toss down the tank. I wait a few seconds and Max glances at me as if he's concerned I'll be too scared to jump.

"Wait a minute, trust me." I say and I stand on the ledge looking annoyed for a moment.

I turn to face everyone, still on the ledge. A flicker of disappointment goes across Max's face as if he thinks I'm not going to jump. Then I step backwards and I'm falling

Down.

Down.

And then I hit the net. I roll over and grab a hand. Of course it was Tobias'. I hit the ground and I stand up.

"Ooh a Stiff." Lynn mocks and I groan.

"Shut the fuck up." I say but I find myself smiling. I know it'll take another 20 minutes before anyone jump, Max has a speech.

Aaron walks over to me and hands me my oxygen tank. She smiles at me before she goes back over to Uriah

The Pit is full of every Dauntless but at the net there's only the necessary people. Tobias, Uriah, Will, Lynn, Marlene, Christina, Aaron and I. Technically it should only be Tobias, Christina, Uriah and me but Max has been awfully generous in helping me recover. He even offered me some of his points since he has a lot from being a leader but I didn't take them. Even though I declined Tori told me for some odd reason Max was donating points to the tattoo parlor so everyone there could get more points a month than usual. Hmm, I wonder why.

Lynn looks really nice. She wears black skinny jeans and a loose black tank top. Her hair is growing in again but this time it's a little longer than last year during initiation. Her eyes look more striking than usual and I realize that Marlene must've convinced her to line her eyes. Marlene wears a black t-shirt, blue skinny jeans and a leather jacket. She looks like her normal self. Christina wears a black crop top that exposes her stomach and black jean shorts.

Uriah and Aaron stand together and Will and Christina stand together while Tobias and I stand with a distance between us. Christina shoots me a look asking if something happened I mouth no. I just don't want the first initiate to jump and be too busy talking to Tobias to look cold like I want to seem. I want them to be afraid of me because that makes it easier to go under a fear landscape thinking that the instructor doesn't give a fuck what you're scared of then feel as if one of your friends is seeing an embarrassing fear. Sadly, being with Tobias always make me worry a little he would think my fears were pathetic. But honestly he could've cared less except for the one that involved him. I walk closer to Tobias and he looks over at me.

"Was it fun to jump again?" Tobias asks after a moment.

"I guess, why don't you jump again?" I joke, I don't know how horrifying that must've been.

"I'm good." He says.

We stand there in silence for another ten minutes and then I don't hear Max's voice any more. It's silent. I wait anxiously and then someone screams. I see a black blur and then a body hits the net. I reach up and the boy grabs my hand. I pull him down and I realize that I wasn't just seeing things, he _is _a Dauntless boy. He has brown eyes and black and blue hair. He grins widely.

"And you are?" I ask.

"Orian." He says and I sigh.

"First jumper, Orian!" I shout and the Dauntless flood the room. He melts into the crowd and we wait for the rest of the initiates.

In the end we had nine initiates. Saraphine, an Erudite girl, Eli a Candor girl, Joseph an Erudite boy, Porter an Erudite boy, Destiny a Candor girl, Jade a Candor, Vick an Erudite boy, Luke an Erudite boy and Kolby a Candor boy. Saraphine has long, red curly hair. Eli has short, glossy black hair, bangs and green eyes. Joseph has black hair and black eyes. Porter has brown hair and blue eyes. Destiny has black hair and black eyes. Vick has black hair and brown eyes. Kolby has golden hair and stunningly blue eyes.

And then there's Jade. She looks awfully familiar. She stands out and looks like she doesn't fit in with the others. She looks small. Smaller then I was. Her hair is black and wavy and her eyes are bright blue. They look so familiar…..

I look into the crowd and see what I was looking for. Lena pushes her way past everyone and she rushes the Jade. I watch, confused. The Jade sees her and they hug.

"That's her little sister." Tobias explains, following my gaze.

"How do you know?" I ask and he shrugs.

"It's a long story but basically they both wanted to be together and they both liked Dauntless the best." He says and I nod.

"Interesting." I say to him and then I step up onto a large rock by the wall that's at least a foot tall. I keep my oxygen tank next to the rock, luckily the tube is really long.

"Everyone shut up!" I yell and after a minute it's dead silent. That's one the perks for being the Stiff who jumped first, ranked first and got cancer.

"Dauntless members, go back to whatever you do. Dauntless born initiates, go line up behind him!" I point to Uriah. "Transfers line up behind him!" I point at Tobias. The Dauntless members all leave and the Dauntless born listen while the transfers just look perplexed about how everyone just listen to a handicapped, small Dauntless girl. Somehow I've begun to look younger and act older. I must look about thirteen to them, at most.

"Now!" Tobias yells and all the transfers scramble into a line behind him. Uriah leads the Dauntless born out.

"I'm Six and this is Four, we'll be your instructors." I say coldly.

"Um, no offense, it's not really my place to say anything but how are you our instructor? You're like twelve." Porter says and I glance at Tobias. Everyone's looking at me so he shrugs.

"Not that age matters here, but I'm 18." I say and I see a few stunned looks.

I hop down from the rock and wheel my oxygen tank behind me as I lead the initiates through the compound with Tobias. I show them the Pit and the chasm, surprisingly there are no smart remarks.

"This is the dining hall, this is where we eat. Sit down and do whatever." I say and they all wander around awkwardly.

Tobias and I sit down next to each other. Aaron slides into the seat across from me and grins. I'm not sure what we're eating tonight but I'm not hungry. I see Lena slide into a seat a few down from Aaron and Jade sits next to her. I groan inwardly when Kolby and Destiny sit next to Aaron. She looks upset too. I know she likes to sit next to Uriah since they're together. Uriah comes around with a tray of multiple pieces of cake. He looks down on Kolby and clears his throat.

"Go sit with your little initiate buddies, this is my seat." Uriah scolds. Kolby gets up and leaves, a little frightened.

"You too. No initiates allowed." I say to Destiny and she looks over at Jade.

"But she's sitting here." She whines.

"Well we like her, now leave." I say sternly and she gets up and leaves. Uriah sits down and soon after Will and Christina come over along with Lynn and Marlene.

"So did you scare any initiates?" Christina asks eagerly.

"Nope." I say.

"Gosh, I think the chemo's making you nice, eww." She mocks and I roll my eyes.

"I need to scare the hell out of them soon though." I say and she nods.

"You could have them burn everything they brought with them, that's pretty cruel." Christina suggests.

"No, I want to scare them not be cruel." I say and she frowns.

"Isn't scaring them for fun cruel?" I hadn't thought about it that way. I guess in certain angles it may seem cruel to outsiders. I mean the Dauntless beat each other up for the rush it gives off when you win and I've somehow gotten used to this cold environment I just assumed that I needed to scare them somehow. I don't mean to pull a prank I mean to set boundaries, to make it clear I'm not their friend and they need to ignore their pain and push through it without the help of a parent figure because that's how life is here.

"I guess." I say after a while of thinking.

"I think you took that a little too far Tris, you were thinking for like 20 minutes about a topic that really doesn't matter." Aaron says smirking. Uriah clears his throat and I look at him weird.

"Now everyone at this table must shut up because I did not grab myself multiple slices of cake to eat alone. Now eat the cake." Uriah says passing everyone a piece of cake.

"Why'd you get us all cake? What's the celebration? Initiation? Because that's not an excuse to give out cake." I say and Uriah just squints at me.

"No young blood, I brought cake because Aaron told me today was your birthday." Uriah says and Tobias glances at me.

"How'd she know and not me?" He asks and I shrug.

"I didn't even know, no one knows my birthday. This is just a makeshift birthday." I explain. He seems to take this as a fair answer. After a moment a clouded look goes into his eyes. I wonder what he's thinking.

I finish my cake quietly. Aaron and Christina talk about shopping tonight an hour after dinner once the stores are basically empty. I just nod along. I'm not in love with the idea of shopping but it's always nice to just go out with my friends no matter how boring the task we're performing is. After a few minutes Tobias says goodbye and goes home.

"I'm going to lie down before we go shopping, stop by when you want to go." I say and I go after Tobias.

I want to know what he's thinking. I usually can tell but not this time. I rush after him even though he's probably already home. I'm not sure why but that look in his eyes really interested me. I've never seen his eyes look like that. I get home and open the door to the apartment. Tobias smiles at me. He's leaning against the counter, it looks like he just got here only a few moments before me.

"Are you okay?" I ask and he looks confused.

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asks and I shrug. Maybe I was just imagining the look in his eyes.

"No reason, I'm going to lie down." I say and I slip into our room and change into black shorts and slipping under the blankets.

I'm not tired or cold I just want to lie down and think for a moment. If I was imagining the look in his eyes then why would I feel so clueless? I run through everything that's happened since my initiation. It's the long way around but it's the only thing I can do. I shut my eyes and memories slide by in order. I keep thinking for a few minutes and sort out the most fitting problem. I narrow down my thoughts to one. I'm 18. I promise Tobias we'd get married when I was 18. Of course I was drunk and not thinking properly so I doubted he would actually think twice about it. I mean I still want to marry him. It wouldn't change anything but I'd just like to make it clear to everyone that I love him and I will love him until I die whether that's twenty seconds from now or twenty years.

Now I lie there with no purpose or full train of thought. I just stare off at the wall and think about the future I'll probably never have. That's what girls do, I think. I know all Christina does is dream about having kids with Will but I just don't see that as fun. Even if I wanted kids I wouldn't be able to have them. There is one word that destroys everything I could ever want or never want; cancer. One of my surgeries when they were trying to cut out all my cancer ended up making me sterile which is honestly fine with me. I mean sure it would be nice to have a little kid to hold but I'm not motherly. I'm just me. Why am I even thinking about this? I'm 18 and I can't physically have kids. Case closed. End of story. That's it. That's all there is to it.

I get up and walk out of our bedroom. Tobias stands in almost the exact same position he was when I lied down. He looks like he's deep in thought so I just lean on the counter across from him. He snaps out of his daze.

"Do you want to get married?" I blurt out and he looks at me strange.

"I thought I was supposed to be the one to propose." Tobias says and I shrug.

"Does it really matter?" I ask.

"No."

"So yes or no?" I ask impatiently.

"Are you sure?" He asks and I sigh. I'm not sure why I'm feeling eager all of a sudden, all we do is sign some stupid papers.

"I want to be married before I die and I love you. It's that simple." I say.

"Okay, we can get married." He says and then there's a knock on the door.

"That's probably Christina." I sigh and open the door, sure enough I was right.

"You ready to go?"

**I know it's a shitty ending but I just want to read the new book I bought and listen to TOO WEIRD TO LIVE, TO RARE TO DIE and I wanted to give you a chapter so I ended it shittily so we're both happy. I'm going to start putting a song lyric at the end of chapters. Here's this chapters-**

**It's better burn hen to fad away**

**It's better to leave then to be replaced.**

**Review Young Bloods**


	43. Chapter 43

**Here is chapter 42. I have two spelling errors in my song lyric from last chapter but what ever. Who gives a shit. **

**REVIEW YOUNG BLOODS**

**Chapter Forty-Three**

**Kolby POV-**

In the time that I've been here I haven't seen Tris. I'm not sure if I should be relieved or disappointed. I get out of my seat immediately and leave the room. One of the leaders had come by our table and told us where to go after dinner. When I get to the dorms no one is there. Good.

I change into some black clothes. Someone had put out folded black clothes on the bed, some for boys and some for girls. I shove my black and white clothes in the bottom drawer of the small nightstand they gave everyone. I had to go through serious trouble to get black and white clothes. Sooner or later one of the Candor initiates will spill. I'm confident none of the Dauntless who were at the Choosing ceremony will realize I've been pretending to be Candor when I was wearing grey just this morning. I can't have Tris finding out my name isn't really Kolby or she'll beat the shit out of me.

I hate it here. It's official. I will never fit in here. I'm Abnegation born with a Candor result and yet my blood dropped in the burning coals. Not because I find Dauntless thrilling, just one Dauntless in particular. I wish I'd chosen Candor, especially since I haven't even seen a glimpse of Tris. I only chose Dauntless because of that one day. She hated my guts but she was badass and she was beautiful. If I can't find her I have to have a backup otherwise I'll just be alone in the worst faction. Six is pretty hot except for the fact that she looks really young and she has this weird tube around her face. I'm not sure what it is. I never paid attention in school. Anyways when she burst in there and threatened me for a little girl I wanted her to be mine but I knew she'd never love me if she knew who I was. So I lied. It's not something I ever want to do again but if I'll do anything for Tris. And that leaves me in this shit hole of a faction all alone until she shows her face.

**Tris POV-**

Christina and Aaron take me to three pointless stores to get duplicates of tight clothing I already own. Aaron hated it too but she's an excellent actress and Christina actually believed her when she said she loved it. Once we were done we all headed back to my old apartment which was partially Aarons. While shopping the truth had come out that Aaron had been staying at Uriah's secretly. It's amazing how she pulled that off, there's always someone at Uriah's apartment.

Christina was saying that we never just hung out and talked so Aaron flirted with one of the bakers to make her a chocolate cake that we'd picked up on the way to my/Aaron's apartment. After a few minutes of moving furniture we were sitting on a blanket on the floor with forks and the whole cake in the middle of us.

"Okay so I know Tris never shares personal things so we're going to play a game that ensures participation that I just made up right this second. We're going to go around in a circle and ask each other a question and every time you refuse to answer you have to go a day without eating Dauntless cake. And if you don't play you suck." Christina explains. Aaron and I agree to do it. I might as well. I have nothing better to do and I don't really have much to hide. I don't give Christina and Aaron enough leverage to know the right questions to ask. Aaron asks a question first.

"Christina, what are your thoughts on kids?" Aaron asks and takes a chunk of icing off the top of the cake with her fork. Christina squeals.

"Not just yet, I want to wait a year or so. But most definitely yes. I want three kids, I don't care what genders I just really want Dauntless babies." Christina says and I almost start chewing on my lip but Christina knows that's what I do when I'm hiding something so I take a bite of cake instead. I can't have kids. I don't want kids. I try and shove that out of my mind.

"Tris, how'd you come up with that quote that you got tattooed on your back? When we went swimming you'd said you'd just overheard it but you don't just 'overhear' a quote like that. Truth. Now." Christina says and I groan. I'm not sure if I should tell them Tobias said that but then again I don't want to lie about it again.

"Four said it at some point during initiation, I forget when." I say and she looks at me weird.

"Truth. Now." She says. I should've known she wouldn't have believed Tobias would say something like that.

"That's the truth. Aaron, not to bring up a bad memory but I want to know, what was Finick like?" I ask and she laughs.

"Nothing like Uriah, he was sweet and smart and I loved him. Sometimes when I woke up I pretended to be asleep to hear what Will and Finick were saying. He was going to propose and I would've said yes. But I think I'm in love with Uriah." Aaron says and Christina grins at her.

"Tris, what's the biggest lie you've ever told?" Aaron asks. My Divergence. But I'm not going to say that. Instead I'm going to tell something partially true.

"After I slapped Four during initiation I left the compound and just walked around the other factions for a while and then Eric found out I was gone and sent a few Erudite to take me back to the compound and he wanted to know why I left and the truth was I missed my family but if I said that he would assume I went to see them which I didn't and I'd be in more trouble. Four cut in and we pretended I kissed him and he rejected me and I ran off because I was still using my innocent little girl act on Eric at that time and he believed us." I explain. Truth was I did go see Caleb and Eric was trying to find out if I was divergent.

We go around a few more times and eat 1/6 the cake easily but none of the questions really stand out. Then Christina asks one of the worst questions ever.

"Will Four ever propose?" Christina asks and out of instinct I chew on my lip. "Oh god, she's chewing on her lip, something big is about to go down."

"_We'vebeenplanningongettingmarriedwhenIturned18sowe'resigningthepaperssometimesoon." _I blurt out and Christina groans.

"Tris." She demands.

"Last year I said if I made it to 18 I wanted to marry him so we're getting married sometime this week." I say and Christina laughs in shock.

"Who would be at your wedding?" She asks.

"There would be no wedding. Just papers and a ring." I say and she shakes her head.

"Let's play another game. This time we only ask Tris questions because she never tells us anything." Christina says and she's not mad, just annoyed.

"Kids?" Aaron asks me and I shake my head really fast.

"I can't have them and I don't want them. That's something I can absolutely live without." I say and Christina stares at me wide-eyed.

"How could you not want kids?" She asks quietly, shocked.

"It's almost certain I'm going to have cancer until the day I die and even if I could have kids, which I physically can't, cancer cells could mix in with the baby's genes. And I would have to stop chemo and radiation which would probably kill me before the baby would be born. I can't have them even if I am cured. I'm sterile but I'm alive. I'd rather live myself then get everyone's hopes up by getting pregnant and killing two people." I say and Christina's expression clears.

"So it's not that you don't want them, it's just you can't have them." She says and I shake my head again.

"No I don't want kids, maybe I would feel different if I hadn't gone through this experience but I don't want kids and I can't have them and that's all that matters." I say and Aaron looks at me wide-eyed.

"Does Four want kids?" She asks and I shrug. Christina gets up and walks into the bathroom. She slams the door. I look down at my lap. I didn't know it was that big a deal.

"Probably not." I say and she frowns.

"What's his excuse?" She asks and I can't answer that. It's because he was beaten as a child and he doesn't want to be like his father and he isn't but he feels like he is.

"I don't know, I wouldn't question it. We all have our choices." I say and she nods.

"I'm not sure I want them either, we have a pretty shitty society to grow up in." She says and something pops into my mind for the first time; what if Aaron's divergent too?

"I wonder why Christina's so pissed I don't want kids. It's not like I would love her kids or watch them for her or whatever I just don't want my own." I say.

"She'll get over it soon. What can she do about it? She can't force you to have kids." Aaron says and I nod. I hear a door open and Christina walks out of the bathroom.

"I'm sorry Tris. I'm sorry you don't want kids. I'm sorry you'll never have the joy of your own child. I don't want to look at you right now. Just give me some space, you too Aaron." And with that Christina walks out.

"Holy shit, she sounded pissed. I wonder why." Aaron says and I nod.

I leave the cake with her and go home. Uriah will want cake. I get to our apartment and open the door. Tobias looks like he just got back from training since he's shirts off and he looks tired out. He turns around when I walk in and looks confused. I put my one bag from shopping on the floor next to the couch.

"I thought you were staying with Christina and Aaron tonight." Tobias says.

"Christina got upset about something I said, that's all." I say and he frowns.

"What'd you say?" He asks and suddenly I feel nervous. What if he does want kids?

"I said I didn't want kids." I say and he shrugs as if I was saying I didn't want a bottle of water not a kid.

"That's fine with me, if you change your mind that's fine too." He says lightly and I smile at him. I love him. He goes along with whatever I want and doesn't question what I choose to do. He doesn't care, and yet, he cares a lot. I'm really lucky.

I pull off my cannula and he looks at me confused. I step forward to him and I kiss his. He wraps his arms around my waist and I hook my fingers in the belt loops of his jeans. As I kiss him everything seems to mean nothing. Screw cancer, screw the odds, and screw Christina for telling me how to live my life. I have someone who loves me and I love back. I have someone who would drop everything for me and wants to marry me. Every girl wants to fall in love, I never really cared until I knew how it felt to know you're loved every second of everyday and that no matter what you did there would always be someone who stayed by your side. That was Tobias. So I let go of everything and just think about how much he loves me and I love him back.

**To clear this up Tris is getting over her fear. It's just I feel awkward typing when they're just kissing so I kind of avoided what was really happening. This chapters random song lyric-**

**_The best part of BELIEVE_**

**Is the LIE**

**Review. **


	44. Chapter 44

**I'm seriously disappointed with you guys. One person reviewed last chapter. I'm not going to do the whole "I won't post until I get 15 reviews" because that's selfish but what the fuck, after around six months and 44 chapters you guys would show a little appreciation and help me out by giving suggestions in the reviews. Seriously, with out your input my chapters suck.**

**All I'm going to say at least two people must review if you expect to see another chapter.**

**I don't mind if I only get two or three but one is just an insult. Even if it's just fucking "This sucks" I don't care I just really need input.**

**Chapter Forty-Four**

**Laiken POV-**

I got into the cafeteria and grab a muffin before sitting down with the other initiates but I don't listen to their pathetic small talk. I just want to find Tris. Six walks in the room with Four. He says something to her quietly and then she walks over to a table with other Dauntless members, her little tank thingy behind her. Four goes over to a table and gets two cups of coffee and two muffins. Six is actually a good back up plan. I think Four's her older brother and he probably won't like her dating anyone but no one else would want to date her so I will if I can't find Tris.

I listen in on Six's conversation with some Dauntless girl with long hair and side bangs, she's hot too but she's dating that other guy who sits with her table. I don't see him though. I can only hear so much of their conversation. Maybe one of them knows Tris. Now they're just talking about initiation strategies. Then the boy who's dating the pretty girl sits down next to the girl. I hear him loud and clear.

"Hey Tris, thanks for the cake last night." He says.

"Anytime, Uri." Six responds and my jaw drops. That's Tris?

**Tris POV-**

Tobias sits down next to me and I smile at him. He gives me some coffee and a muffin. The coffee is extremely bitter, the chemo messes up my taste buds, but it's good. Christina sits down across from me. I look away.

"I'm sorry okay, I was a bitch. If you don't want kids you shouldn't have them, it wasn't my place." Christina apologizes and Uriah drops his muffin.

"A-are you planning on having kids soon?" Uriah stutters as her asks us girls in general and Aaron and I laugh, I can tell he's freaking out on the inside.

"No, that conversation was completely unnecessary, we just got bored last night." I say and Uriah lets out an exaggerated breath. Aaron hits his arm.

"Good, let's not bring that up again." Uriah says jokingly and I roll my eyes at him.

"I should probably go set up the knives." I say and I finish my coffee quickly.

"Need any help?" Aaron asks and I shake my head.

"I just need to lay out the knives on a table, it's not that difficult." I say and grab my muffin before walking out of the cafeteria.

Surprisingly I'm actually hungry for once. I haven't been truly hungry in a while now, I've just been eating because even if I'm not hungry and I'll be throwing it up later, if I don't eat I'll starve. I also partially do it because if I don't Christina or Tobias or someone will get concerned even though it's totally normal if I don't want to eat.

When I get to the training room I take off my cannula and put the tank in the corner of the room. I don't need it today, I can breathe just fine for now and I don't like not being able to do things on my own, like, breathing. It's also nice not to have to wheel a tank around everywhere I go.

I get out the knives and lay them on the table. I find some other knives and put them on the table too so there's an array of different types. When I'm done I take out another stack of some knives and start throwing them at a target. I make a circle around the heart of the shape with the knives and then I throw one that hits the place the heart would be. I pull out the knives and look at the time. The initiates should be here by now. Instead of worrying about where they are I throw knives to outline the figure on the target easily.

Knife throwing is the easiest for me. When I'm bored or want to do something I just go to the training room and throw knives, eventually I got really good at it. I couldn't do anything else. Physical question was out of the question, I wasn't allowed to run or do anything that would require any effort or strain on my muscles. The noise the guns made would give me migraines so I couldn't do that ether. So I threw knives. It took no effort at all. And now I've perfected it.

The initiates should really be here now. They're slow. Maybe it's because they're unaware we're still cutting the weak ones. Or maybe they're just lazy. I go up to the target and start pulling out the knives I threw to put them back on the table and I hear the door open. I turn around to see my initiates Kolby standing there. He looks familiar.

"Where is everyone else? At this rate you're all going to get cut." I spit at him and turn back to the target and pull the rest of the knives out of the target and let them clatter onto the table.

"We can get cut?" Kolby asks and disbelief and I turn and glare at him.

"Look who gets the golden star. Where are the other idiots?" I ask coldly and he shrugs.

"They were coming with me to go to the training room." Kolby says, this child is an idiot. He's going to be cut soon unless he shows extreme strength.

"Do you see them?" I ask growing even more impatient.

"I'm going to go find them." He says and rushes out of the training room. How did I ever miss training initiates?

**Laiken POV-**

I leave the training room and go straight to the dorms. That was not at all how I expected it to go. I'd told the other initiates that training would start late and I would get them when it started. They fell for it. I took this time to plan out what I wanted to say to Tris. And it may have back fired, but I was assured she's that same girl who came to the Abnegation sector and threatened me. Every time she's cold to me I want her more. I know she's an Abnegation transfer. At first I was going to black mail her into being with me but if I do that she'll never want to be with me. Plus she seems not to care where she came from. It seems like everyone knows but the initiates because we haven't been exactly welcomed into their gossip. Except me.

I'm an amazing actor. With the right voice and clothes I could seem like I was Dauntless born and I've been a member for a few years. It's worked before. A few weeks after she left I managed to get some black clothes, with this look I managed to hear some of the gossip. Most of it was boring and I gained nothing. All they talked about was how someone was dying. And then that they died. I didn't bother with names. It was boring.

I open the door to the dorms and all the initiate are in black clothes lying on their bunks. Jade sits on a bunk with Eli, Destiny sits across from them. They seem to be having a conversation like everyone else. I clear my throat loudly and everyone quiets down. I'm not sure why everyone listens to me. Maybe it's because they know I'm the one who changes factions a lot and can convince anyone to do anything and I'm someone you want to have on your good side.

"It's time for training, follow me." I say and everyone listens. They follow me through some hallways, I've been in the compound before. Sometimes I was invited to Dauntless parties and who was I to refuse? I take them into the training room. Tris stands at one of the targets again, she's pulling knives out of a target. I notice she doesn't have her little tank, instead is sits in one of the corners. She turns around when she hears us enter.

"If you're ever late again I swear you'll all be factionless." She spits at us and turns on her heel. Some of the initiates look at me but the majority of them are too scared to think.

"Grab a damn knife and start throwing." She yells and everyone runs to the table and grabs knives. As we do Four walks into the training room.

**Tris POV-**

I stand next to Tobias and watch as the initiates throw knives at the targets. No one's especially bad, even Kolby isn't awful. I really feel like I've met him before but I don't know any Candor, at least they aren't Candor anymore. His features are familiar. I ignore that and just focus on every initiates stance and arms as they throw instead of the person.

After a few hours of knife throwing it's time for lunch. I let the initiates go wonder for an hour and fifteen minutes. Tobias goes to get something to eat but I sneak off to go do something important. About forty-five minutes later I meet Tobias in our apartment, I have news.

"I went to go talk to Max and something was arranged. There's good news, bad news and just straight up news. The straight up news is that we're leaving the compound tonight and won't be back until tomorrow night, the good news is we're going to sign some papers so we're officially married. And then bad news. We have to stay overnight tonight in either Erudite or Abnegation. I don't understand why we can't just go to Erudite and sign the papers and go home in a few hours but no. We have to stay the night in either Erudite or Abnegation and then sign the papers tomorrow afternoon and then go home." I say.

"So where are we staying? Caleb's? Your parent's? A friend's from Abnegation?" Tobias asks and I shrug.

"I think it's be best to go to my friend Susan's. We're going to be with the Erudite most the time and I don't want it to seem like I'm still attached to my family so I think she makes the most sense." I say and he nod in agreement. And then it hits me. Holy shit, we're getting married.

**Oh and thank you so much, whoever that one person was who reviewed chapter 43, that meant a lot. If I'd gotten zero I would've just kept this chapter until I got one. Todays fucking song lyrics-**

**I want to scream I LOVE YOU from the top of my lungs,**

**But I'm afraid someone else will hear me**

**~Fall Out Boy**

**You better fucking Review**

**Review.**

**Seriously just do it**

**DOOOO ITTTTT**


	45. Chapter 45

**Holy Shit thank you guys! I have the best readers ever. I assumed no one ever read these and I was more likely to get results by shouting at the wind but no. **

**So in return, even though I've had school and homework I wrote this long chapter so you could know Lena and Jade's back story a lot better.**

**I'm sorry if this chapter is too emo for you guys, I'm emo and I worked really hard on this cute story line but then I got bored because cute story lines suck and they're boring so I chose a different approach. **

**Keep reviewing like you did last chapter and you'll get long chapters sooner because when I read those reviews I always feel inspired to write more because I know there's these people who want me too. **

**I will NEVER do that whole "I WANT 15 REVIEWS IF YOU WANT A CHAPTER" Because that's just shitty to the readers who care but don't understand how to review or have nothing to say.**

**Enjoy and Say what you think about Lena in the reviews**

**Chapter Forty-Five**

**Jade POV-**

Six dismisses us and all the initiates make their way to the cafeteria for lunch.

Except me. I slip away from the group and go to the dorms and change out of my long sleeves and capris into black shorts and a low cutting, short sleeved black t-shirt. Once I'm dressed I slip out of the dorms. And then I run. I run through mazes of unfamiliar hallways that lead to more twisting, turning hallways and seem to never end. I love the feeling of being alone and just wondering until I get lost. I love the feeling of the unfamiliar. Maybe that's why I got a Dauntless result. Even if I hadn't gotten Dauntless I still would've chosen it, Lena and I had planned this out two years ago.

I keep slipping through the mazes of hallways until I'm tired, then I sit on the floor and pull my knees up to my chest. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy. Lena has built a family here. She has a boyfriend and friends and someone to live with. I thought that once I'd gotten to Dauntless we would be together all the time that we would carry each other and go to work and build a family together. I didn't expect that she would talk to me once and say how glad she was to see me and then forget about me. What was the point of choosing to leave and be with my sister if it was just an escape plan and not a pack? I know I'm being selfish, I've only been here for 24 hours but those 24 hours weren't at all what I expected. I'm not even sure what to think. She's a whole new person I'm just myself.

I used to dream about my first day in Dauntless, what I would say to her when I saw her, what she would say back. Whenever my mother pulled her belt out of the loops in her black pants I told myself it didn't matter, I told myself that one day this would just be a bad nightmare. I missed Lena, I missed having someone to look up to and hold onto and the only thing that got me through the times it hurt especially dreadful was the dream of seeing her again and being free. And then it wouldn't hurt, the pain was dulled. In the first year she was gone it hurt so bad but I held on for Lena. I hid the damage under layers of black and white so no one knew the truth about my home.

And then the Choosing ceremony rolled around and I watched as the 16 year olds picked their fate and when I got home my mother slid out her belt. She grabbed me so hard by the shoulders I knew there would be bruises where she grasped me and looked me dead in the eyes with her frosty green eyes.

"Next year, if you're going to choose Candor. You are worthless. Lena won't want you, no one will." She'd said and then shoved me to the floor.

I looked at her a moment and then refused to take off my shirt so she could whip me. My mother then grabbed me with a cold grasp. She held me still with one arm, her nails digging into the skin of my shoulder and collarbone. She took a knife from the counter and cut a hole in the back, not caring whether she was cutting the skin in my back and leaving a large gash down my back. She tore the shirt off and whipped me longer and harder the usual. I probably should've gotten multiple stitches on the gash but my mother wouldn't let me because when looking at my back it's clear I've been abused.

I didn't cry or wince in pain, I just lied there still. That was the night I lost it. After that she never let a night go by without telling me how worthless I was and how no one would love me as she whipped me. She didn't care the gash down my back wasn't healing or that my back was raw she'd do it until the skin was numb. And I gave up. One day I would make it to Dauntless but Lena would never love me. Her words were forever drilled into my brain. I started to believe her, in fact her words hurt more than her belt. I just wanted to die. Life was hell and I still had eight months. I didn't think I would make it and a little part of me didn't want to. I started cutting my wrists and eventually the pain was the best thing in my life. I had no friends and no family and everything hurt worse. The whipping and cutting was the only reliable thing in my life. The pain was all I had that told me I was human.

And then a year past and I was still alive. I chose Dauntless. I jumped on a train and then onto a roof and then off of it. Even now that I'm out a little part of me wished that there would be no net and I would just die, that it was a test for stupidity rather than bravery.

But I'm alive. And when I saw Lena it hurt. She looked the same, older, but the same, and then I found out she had another family. My mother was right. I'm useless. I'm worthless. But I'm going to make it through initiation, and when I'm a member I'll kill myself. I want to be remembered first, I want everyone I've ever spoken with to feel guilty. I'll make sure my last conversation with everyone I know will be a fight and then I'll kill myself and they'll feel guilty, especially Lena. I want her to feel the pain I was feeling but there is no way I could make her feel that much pain so I'll replace it with grief and guilt.

I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. I'm empty. I'm tired. I just want it to be the end, even know that I'm no longer being abused. I just want to escape all this pain. No one will ever make me feel any different.

I sit there for what feels like hours, and it probably is. I don't care about initiation anymore. Six can shoot me or kick me out but it'll never hurt. Nothing hurts. That's why I love to get lost in the halls of Dauntless, getting lost is nice. I want to escape my past so I run and try to hide from it in hallways I can't find the end of. But it never works. I can't out run my thoughts. Only death will actually fix any of my problems.

I sit there for longer, I don't look up. I keep my head tucked in my knees and my eyes squeezed shut. I just so happen to find my light in the dark. I'm disrupted from my thoughts by nearing footsteps. I lift my head and I'm about to shoot to my feet and run but it's too late, they're already standing before me. It's one of the other initiates, I think his name's Luke.

"Are you okay? You didn't show up at training, it ended an hour ago. I was looking for you to see if you were okay." He says and I sigh.

He extends his hand and for some odd reason I find myself taking it and he pulls me to my feet. I get to my feet and my backs against the wall and his face is only six inches away from mine. I can feel his breaths against my face, steady, as if being this close to me doesn't faze him. I breathe unevenly but he doesn't seem to notice. Since I've gotten here I haven't bothered to take an actual look at the other initiates, I was too busy planning my own death, but now I take my time to examine his features. He's beautiful, hands down. He has piercing blue eyes and black loose hair that is a curling mess around his face. He couldn't look anymore perfect. And I couldn't look anymore pathetic. I'm not sure why he's not stepping away and cringing in disgust. His still holding my hand, his fingers are long enough to reach my wrist while my fingers barely make it past his palm. I can feel the tips of his fingers tracing something back and forth on my wrist and I know what it is without looking, and judging by how carefully he's touching my wrist he knows what the line is too. It's where I cut myself a month or two ago.

I hadn't thought I would see anyone until after dinner so I wore a short sleeved shirt exposing the scars up and down both my wrists. Stupid. That was a stupid mistake. I should always have long sleeves on so no one knows. I don't want pity or to be stared at but I was overheating after training.

He knows exactly what he's tracing, and yet he holds my gaze and his breaths stay even. Mine are sharp and it's obvious I'm flustered. But he doesn't move, and I don't dare move either. I'm not sure if I should rip my wrist away and run or step closer to him. But I stay still. I don't care that my back is pressed against the wall and my back feels raw and aches. I just don't want to move.

**Luke POV-**

I pull her up from the ground and she stands up. Being the idiot I am, I was standing less than two feet away from the wall she was against. And once she's straightened her legs she's less than six inches away from my face. I have to look down slightly since I'm taller but that only makes us closer. She looks at me with wide grey/blue eyes brighter and sadder than my own and I know she's thinking the same thing as me. I mask my shock and embarrassment from standing this close to her with a normal face. I make my breaths even in case she can tell. I'm amazing at hiding my emotions. I've had loads of practice although it's not usually with hiding embarrassment.

I look into her eyes and watch as they jerk back and forth, looking at every centimeter of my face, I wish she wouldn't look at me. I'm not much. I'm not anything. I'm dark and broken and not the kind of boy a girl as pretty as her would look at.

I try and focus on something besides how close we are and the unsteadiness of her breath. I'm probably making her uncomfortable for my own selfish reasons. I want to be close to her. I push that thought away as quickly as it comes, I can't let my face show that. I focus on her small hand which is still in mine for who knows why. Why hasn't she yanked her wrist away and walked away? I stretch out my fingers and run them over her wrist. Her eyes widen. And then I feel it. Her wrist is covered with raised lines. Scars. She cuts. I keep running my fingers over the scars and she breathes sharper than before and she's looking at me but she's no longer thinking about me, she's lost in her mind.

I take this window to observe her features closely. I looked at her before but not closely, she looked too beautiful for me to destroy with my past. But now I really see it. Her hair is black and pin straight today and pulled back. Yesterday is was wavy after she'd jumped, the wind must've curled it. When she jumped out of the train I saw her. She looked perfect. She looks perfect. Her skin looks extremely pale against the black clothing. She looked strong and Dauntless when she jumped onto the roof. She looked like she belonged here no doubt. Now she looks smaller but stronger, at first I thought she was just physically strong but her wrist tells another story. She's stronger then she looks.

I look back at her face now. Her eyes are searching my face again but I keep it masked. I look at her pale skin and delicate face and wide eyes. I can't help my eyes but wander to her lips. They're small and a pink so pale they're almost white like her skin, they're parted slightly as if she doesn't realize it. Her lips look soft and I can't help but imagine kissing her. Imagine holding her hand and wrapping my arms around her small waist. I snap of the gaze immediately and cover my expression but it's too late. She already saw my face and I have the sort of face that says everything I'm thinking. Her eyes widen even more and I know she knew what I was thinking, or at least got the general idea.

We've been standing like this for about ten minutes. I remember showing up in the training room and Four and Six weren't there. There was this girl with blue hair and a black hat in there instead. She told us Six and Four would be back in two days, that one guy, Kolby looked upset. We did guns and she handed everyone their guns and frowned.

"I thought there was an initiates named _Jade_." She'd said.

I kept my mouth shut, I knew she would never like me but I wasn't going to tell the girl that she ran off. Kolby ran his mouth and said she'd disappeared before lunch. The girl, Aaron I think, kept watching the doors the rest of the day to see if she'd come. She didn't. At the end of training she said if someone was willing to look for after training instead of going to dinner that they should meet her after training. I was the only one who stayed. She said I needed to find Jade tell her she needed an appropriate excuse for why she wasn't here.

And it took me an hour to find her. She clearly didn't want to be found. And yet she didn't run away from me. She stands before me and looks into my eyes and willingly stays. But it won't last long. I know better than to think that. No one ever stays with me for long.

**Jade POV-**

I look into his eyes and keep my same expression as I had on before but inside I'm so surprised there aren't words to describe it. It's been a few minutes and I'm still wondering if I imagined that look on his face or not. He was just looking at my eyes and then his eyes had lingered down to my lips and for a few seconds there was this look on his face. This look I've no one's ever directed at me but I know exactly what it means. That's the part that shocked me. How could anyone have feelings for _me_? More shockingly how could someone as perfect as him feel that?

His face stays blank and unfazed making me seriously doubt what I thought I saw. Luke abruptly lets go of my wrist. Now I'm sure I imagined that look in his eyes, I'm just desperate. He looks away from me and lets out a heavy breath.

**Luke POV-**

"Six and Four weren't here this afternoon and won't be there again tomorrow, we have another instructor named Aaron. She wants you to give a reasonable excuse for why you weren't there." I say and I turn away and start down the hallway. I'm an idiot. What did I think was going to happen? That she would kiss me or even care about me? I'm pathetic. She may have scars on her wrists and she may be strong but so was everyone else I knew and they were long gone before I left Erudite. I'm a lightning rod for shitty situations, that hasn't changed.

"What the hell?" Jade says and I turn around to see her standing exactly where I left her. "How can you just walk away after what just happened?" She asks, as if she actually like me. I'm not the kind of person she would or should like. I don't know what to say. I mask my confused look before she can recognize it. She would've noticed if I were still as close to her as I was. I feel cold with the absence of her body heat. I don't know what she means. If she wasn't so pretty I would think she actually liked me but she couldn't. I decide to say something. If she does like me it'll hurt but the odds are that she doesn't so it'll mean very little.

"After what? Nothing happened." I say and the thing I least expected happens. The light drains out of her eyes. I want to say something but there's nothing I can say so I turn around and I'm about to walk away when she speaks again.

"You call that nothing? You were staring at me for like fifteen minutes." She says. I don't turn around but I don't walk away. Okay, that meant something to her but she looks good. She has no extremely new cuts on her wrist and she doesn't look depressed, I'll just make her worse and I can't do that.

"I was thinking and I got lost in thoughts." I say and it's true. This time I wait for her response.

"I'm sure you were lost in thought, but look me in the eye and tell me you weren't thinking about me." Jade says boldly and I spin around to look at her. Her face looks unfazed but her hands are by her sides and shaking. I don't mask my expression now.

I should go. I need to go. I'm going to destroy her. I'm no good for anyone. She seems like she's doing alright but just being near me is toxic and makes people sad. No one should be forced to hold onto a lightning rod in the middle of a storm. That's what talking to me is like and it'll destroy her. Not just her, anyone. I should turn around and walk away and never speak to her again. Instead, despite my efforts, I step towards her.

She looks as panicked as I feel. Why did I do this? Why do I always destroy people? I step forward again. She raises an eyebrow at me like she's asking if I'm staying or leaving. I'm not sure myself.

"I'll see you at the dorms." She says finally and she walks past me and down the hallway. I stand still and stare at where she was standing moments before. She just hjkjlured me to see if she could. I'm not sure what that means. I stare at the wall for a while and then just turn around. Jade's long gone. The huge problem is that I have no idea where I am and how to get back.

**Jade POV-**

I run through the hallways and easily find my way out of the maze and into the Pit. Once I'm there I continue on to the piercing place. I enter it and it's full of Dauntless with piercing everywhere. I stay there and wait for a while and then get a black stud in my nose. It didn't hurt. Once I was done I went to the hair place for girls. There I get my black hair cut in a choppy layers.

Finally I went back to the dorms. It was around 10 at night but everyone was still up. When I got inside I scanned the room and Luke was missing. I can't help but feel a pang of disappointment. I'm not sure what to think. He said it meant nothing but his eyes looked like it did and he just didn't want me to know for some reason.

Eli and the other pretty annoying girls look at me. No, that's not the right word, they _observe _me. I lie down on my bunk and stare at the grey jagged ceiling. I stare at the ceiling and think about nothing for an hour or so. I'm good at not thinking. Everyone starts to be quiet and someone turns out the lights and everyone lies down. Luke never came back to the dorms.

I close my eyes and will myself to sleep. I toss and turn for hours but I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about what happened in that hallway. It's not like he kissed me, for some odd reason I feel as if what happened was more intimate then a kiss. I'm positive now that I was right, I had seen that look on his face. He had looked at me like he wanted to be with me, to kiss me.

I slide out of bed and silently slip out of the dorms. The Pit's empty at this hour in the morning. It's like three and the only people there are girls going home from a bar after a bad breakup and people like me who don't sleep.

I'm not sure if I'm wandering or looking for Luke. The first thing I do is walk around the Pit and go this small little coffee/diner thing for when you're hungry but there isn't a meal in the cafeteria. Before I look around the room I order some banana bread and black coffee and slide into a little bar stool at the counter.

I sigh and rub my eyes. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I never can sleep. I hear someone walk up behind me and I look to my left to see Luke sitting in the stool next to me. We're the only sober people here. I look around to see it's full of drunks and hung over people who have work in an hour or so and need coffee and food.

"Couldn't sleep?" Luke asks and I nod. "Me neither." He says and I roll my eyes.

"I seem to recall you never tried." I say and he shrugs.

"I don't really need to, I never sleep, its a waste of my time to try." He says.

"Tell me about Aaron." I say, I want to know what I'm getting into tomorrow morning.

"I don't know anything." He says. That's no help.

"I need to know what she's like s I can come up with a more reasonable excuse for why I didn't show up rather than _'I didn't feel like it'_." I say and he thinks about this for a moment.

"Well she's nicer than Four and Six and she doesn't seem to really care what we do, I think you'll be fine." He says and now I actually look at him. Before I'd just glanced, I didn't want to look at him but now I do. When I finally do I notice he must've gotten his hair cut too because it's choppy and cuts over his face making it look longer than it really is. It makes him even more attractive, therefore making my life more difficult.

"Want to help me come up with an excuse?" I ask and he nods.

"You could say you got lost in the compound, or you fell asleep and no one woke you up." He suggests.

"The falling asleep one is more plausible. I'll use that one." I say.

We sit there in silence for a little while and then a lady comes out of the kitchen and gives us both a mug of black coffee and she gives me a plate with banana bread on it and gives him a slice of apple pie. I roll my eyes at is dish.

"Seriously? Pie at three in the morning?" I ask and he grins at me. That means more coming from him than anyone else. The whole time I was with him in that hallway he wore a guarded expression and when he didn't it was only for a few seconds. And now he wasn't.

"I'd eat pie at any time of the day." He says and I can't help but smile. He doesn't look like the kind of person who eats pie or whatever all day, he looks like the kind of person who'd starve themselves to be at the weight they wanted. His arms weren't hug and muscular they were thin but all that was there was muscle. He was wearing a black V-neck and a zip-up black hoodie but it wasn't zipped up all the way so I could see his collarbone and his shoulders looked muscular but not like the kind of person who works out every second, like he wasn't trying. I haven't seen him shirtless so I don't know if he had a six-pack or whatever but he seemed skinny.

"You're staring." Luke says and I snap out of my daze.

"I was thinking, that's all." I say mocking what he'd said earlier, this made him smirk.

"About what? Or should I say _who_?" He asks and I roll my eyes. I lift up my coffee, smirk, and take a sip before responding.

"Not you, that's for sure." I lie and we both know I'm lying.

We stay there and finish our coffee and food before leaving. Luke takes my wrist and pulls me through the Pit which is a little more crowded more now that an hours past. It's amazing how fast time passes here, initiation will be over soon enough. I push that thought out of my mind, I haven't had time to think about Luke and where he stands in my story. I still want to die but when I'm with him, I feel almost happy. I'm so used to faking it that even these half fake smiles feel strange.

Luke leads me through a maze of hallways until he stops in one and I realize what's going on. This is the hallway I was in earlier.

"Why are we here?" I ask and he smirks down at me.

"Just shut up." He says smiling and I'm even more confused. I lean against the wall.

"Why would I take away the pure joy of hearing my voice away from you?" I ask sarcastically.

"Just shut up." He says and he steps forward to me so we're closer then we were earlier. He leans down a little, smiles, and then presses his lips to mine. He puts his hands on my waist and I wrap my arms around his neck and for the first time in a long time I don't want to die, I want to stay with him forever.

**Song lyrics-**

**I will never end up like him,**

**Behind my back I already am.**

**~Fall Out Boy**

**Say your thoughts, questions, ship names in the reviews**

**Seriously what do you think about Jade?**

**What about Luke?**

**Do you love or hate them as a couple?**

**How shitty is Jade's life?**

**Btw you'll find out Luke's was worse**

**REVIEW**


	46. Chapter 46

**I got 11 reviews in 12 hours. Keep that up and I might just have a 4000 word chapter tonight even though I'm posting now.**

**It's become more of a reward system. The more you review the more I feel obligated to write and the more I write the more you review, it's a beautiful cycle we could make work so despite school and homework you guys get long chapters that make you smile before you go to sleep.**

**I'm still not in a Fourtris mood so I'm doing a lot of Luke and Jade chapters. I want to scatter Luke's past... I'm not perfectly sure how graphic and shitty it'll be but I have an idea so I'm just kind of writing vague hints.**

**Keep this whole review thing going and I'll keep these chapters coming. I need to know you guys are out there to want to write.**

**Oh real quick someone said my grammar is shitty (not in those exact words but whatever) and I have a reply! **

**I do have an editor named Angela and she reads my chapters right when I post them and tells me every mistake I've made. But I usually ignore her because I think you guys understand if I say there instead of they're. Sorry I'll always have shitty grammar.**

**Chapter Forty-Six **

**Luke POV-**

**A/N- If you're having trouble picturing Luke look up "Emo Boys" and choose the cutest one you see.**

I don't think anything through. I'm kissing her and she's kissing me back. This was exactly what I feared. This is what I was trying to avoid but it's four in the morning and she's beautiful and funny and perfect. No. I need to stop. I don't deserve to love everyone and they don't deserve the agony which everyone else I loved felt. I wrap my arms around her waist. Stop. She wraps her arms around my neck. No. This can't keep happening. I should've just walked away once I helped her up from the floor. I should've stepped back before anything happened. I should've never sat next to her earlier. I should've said nothing. I should've let her go back to the dorms and I could've avoided this. I'm no good. I'm like poison and I just handed her a cup full of it. It's not too late. It's too late.

I can't do this. I let go of her waist and tear away from her. She looks at me with wide eyes but I just turn and continue down the hallway quickly. I hear her shouting after me but I just keep going. Eventually she stops shouting and doesn't follow me. She just lets me go. And I go. I run through the maze and to the dorms. When I get to the dorms I quietly rustle through my stuff I brought here trying not to wake anyone else up. I feel something thin and cold, it reflects some of the light from where I left the door open and I know I found it. I close it in the palm of my hand and shove my hand in my pocket. I leave the dorms, I can't do this here.

I walk down a few halls and find the boys shower room. I enter there and see it's empty now as I'd expected. It's for the initiates which are all asleep. I close the door and lodge a small plank of wood on the floor next to it under it so it can't open. I stand in front of a mirror right above a sink and look down. I turn on the water and wash my face. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. But I stay. I thought maybe I'd find someone like me but I got worse. I got someone who's all healed and happy. I'm far from that. I got a Dauntless result and that seemed like the place to find someone broken and hurt but alive and brave.

I'm so stupid. What the hell was I thinking? I just kissed her, I fully knew how awful I am and how I take people and I tear them to pieces. I have no one and she can have everything. I'll always have nothing and I need to get over that. I need to get over the fact that she seems to be okay and I'm doing the opposite.

I don't deserve to just forget about this. I pull my hand out of my pocket and unclench my fist. The blade had cut my palm in place from gripping it too tight. I didn't even notice. I pick it up lightly and I don't even think for a second I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to live. I'm not the only person who thinks that I deserve nothing. This isn't the first time I've cut. I've got more scars the Jade. I feel blood coming up to the surface of my wrist but one isn't enough. I deserve to die but I'm not going to do that, because that' exactly what I want to do. I let the blood drip from my wrists onto the floor. I look up into the mirror and I don't see myself looking back. I never see myself looking back. I see a monster. I punch the mirror and it shatters. My hand gets sliced with the glass and it falls to the ground by my bare feet.

I turn around to face the showers. I take a few steps to get a clean towel and pieces of the shattered mirror lodge into the skin of my feet. When I pick up the clean towel blood drips from my wrists and stains the towel. I hang up the towel on a little rack next to the stall I'm using. I turn the water on the coldest it goes. I peel off my clothes with bloody hands, I'll have to get rid of them. I close the curtain and stand in in the frigid water. I watch as it hits my skin and turns pink from the blood. I stay in the shower until my wrists and feet are bleeding less and less and then I get out.

I dry off and I put on my black jeans. I use the bloody towel to dry off my hair and then I got to throw it in the basket, I slip and fall flat on my back with nothing to break the fall. My head slams into the ground and my back sends shooting pains up and down. I prop myself up on my hands and something cuts into them. I lift my palm and see I landed in the pile of shattered glass. I get to my feet and I go to look at the skin of my back in a different mirror. I can see tiny pieces of glass lodged all over my back. It's bleeding and the skin is raw and bloody. Great. More blood I can't deal with. I can't reach a lot of the small pieces. Shit. I can't go to the hospital, they'll see my wrists and… I can't do that again.

I come up with the dumbest but only plan. I slip my arms in my hoodie and leave it unzipped. The hoodie rubs the raw, cut up skin of my back and hurts but I ignore it. I don't put on my shirt. It's too tight and will hurt a lot worse than the hoodie. I slip out of the bathroom leaving the bloody, shattered glass mess and my shirt in there. I'll clean it up once I'm done.

**Jade POV-**

**A/N- If your having trouble picturing Jade look up somewhere around the lines of 'Emo Girls' and choose the one you thinks the most fitting.**

He just walked away. _He _sat next to _me_. _He _led me down this hallway. _He _kissed me. _He _wrapped his arms around my waist. And _he _just ran off. Maybe he regretted talking to me. I shouted after him but he just left. And I'm tired again. I want to leave and I'm not talking about this hallway or this compound.

I let him run. Maybe its better he left. I'm not good. I'm going to die. I want to die. Maybe I won't be as brutal to Lena before I do but I'll die. And I'll enjoy it.

I wait for him to run to wherever he's going and then I walk to the dorms. He isn't there. I walk over to my bunk and lie in it. I'm not going to sleep, not after what just happened. I've never been kissed. I probably will never be kissed again. I don't care. I'm not sure why but I just don't care what he does. He could marry Eli and have a kid with Destiny during initiation for all I care. I just hope he says something to me. I hope he explains what the hell he's thinking.

I lie there in the darkness for about half an hour when the door to the dorms opens and then shuts so it's only cracked. The sliver of light is shining right on my. I pretend I'm asleep. I know its Luke. I hear him breathing but it's not steady and it doesn't sound like he's out of breath. It sounds panicked. Like he's scared or in pain. I hear him step next to where I'm lying and I know he crouched down because I can feel his uneven breaths against my face.

"I know you're awake." He whispers but I keep my eyes shut. "I need help." His last words come out painfully and I open my eyes. I slide out of my bunk and follow him out of the dorms. I don't know why. Why should I care that he needs help? He just ran off without a goodbye. But I stay.

**Luke POV-**

I don't know why she follows me out of the dorms. She shouldn't. Being with me causes pain to everyone and I know it. I take her wrist, not thinking that mine is still dripping blood, and pull her to the boys shower room. She doesn't question why I'm shirtless and my bloods dripping onto her wrist and I'm taking into a boys shower room. I shut the door and then turn to face her.

She stares at me a moment, glances over my bare chest carelessly and then turns to see what I brought her to see. She looks at the broken mirror and the glass and the blood and as she's looking around she sees my bloody razor blade in the sink. I take off my hoodie and I walk through the broken glass getting more in my feet and hang it up. I turn around and face her fully and she faces me. She's a foot away from me and doesn't step any closer.

"Turn around." She says and I turn around. I hope she doesn't see the truth. I hope it looks like the glass did everything on my back when the truth is it was cut up and raw before the Choosing ceremony.

I hear her walk around and something rips. I turn my head to see she ripped the bottom of her shirt and tears it in two long strips. She walks around me and ties the clothes around my wrists which were bleeding on the floor. I don't cover my pained expression. She doesn't ask questions. She doesn't look is shock at the mess I made. She just helps. She takes the bloody towel I was using earlier and gets it wet with the shower and then uses it to wash the blood off my back. She tries to pick out the glass from my back gently but my back is already raw and it hurts without her taking it out.

"You might need stitches on a few of these." She says and I sigh.

"I'll live." I say back.

"Trust me, if you have the choice, get stitches." She says and I don't ask. I know it doesn't have to do with her wrists. It's something else. She hasn't asked about what happened so I won't ask.

"I'll think about it." I reply. I stay silent while she takes the glass out of the rest of my back. That mirror was bigger and broke into more pieces then I thought.

"You should keep your back bear for an hour or so, so it can heal." She says and I feel a rush of panic but I play it off.

"Is that so it can heal or personal preference?" I ask but I don't turn around now that she's done. She must not have seen it but I have scars, not just lines but words. Words I didn't carve into my skin. Despite what she says I put on my shirt. I don't want her to see them. This is bad enough.

She crouches on the floor with me and we pick up every little piece of glass. We can't do anything about the mirror but we can get rid of the glass. A lot of the pieces are covered in my blood and yet she doesn't react. It doesn't seem like she is masking her face, it seems like she just doesn't know what to say or to think.

She throws out her handful of glass and I throw out mine. She has me sit down and she picks out the glass in my feet. I'm still not sure why she's helping me. As she does this I see that I must've cut deeper than I thought because I'm bleeding through her bandages. She glances up and me for a moment.

"You might want to get those checked out, my shirt can only do so much." She says and she takes the glass she collected and throws it out.

"Thanks." I say and she looks at me a moment and sighs.

"Take off your shirt, there were some pieces of glass I couldn't get, I'm just going to see if I can get them or if I need to take you to the hospital." She says and I'm shocked. Why would she risk missing more training to take _me _to the hospital? I'm nothing but a wreck and I shouldn't have dragged her here but I couldn't do it alone. I pull my shirt up over my head and I think I hear someone walk in but I'm not facing the door. I can feel her as she washes the blood of my back yet again and picks glass out of it.

"Give me your shirt." She says and I hand it to her I hear a rip and she walks around me with two strips of my shirt like she did with her.

"Do you expect me to walk through the Pit shirtless?" I ask confused. It's bad enough that she might realize it's not just glass but the whole Dauntless compound seeing scars all over me?

"It's either that or you'd have a trail of blood from your wrists." She says taking my wrists and switching out the fabric. When she's done she starts to go back to my back but she stops next to me facing the door. I turn around to see what she's staring at and I see a boy a few years older than me standing at the door.

**Uriah POV-**

I need to shower before I go to train the Dauntless born. I walk over to the bathroom and hear the shower's running. Aaron. I leave the apartment and head to the bathroom where they have showers for the initiates. Every now and then a member will use it, I used to use it a lot when Marlene lived with me. She lived with me for a while after Lynn went to the fence and she was pretty upset she was gone so I didn't bother her with little things like kicking her out of the shower.

I get to the shower room and I open the door to see it's not empty. There's a shirtless guy, his back is cut up and bloody and I can see broken glass in it. I look around and see there's a broken mirror. Under the broken mirror is a sink with a bloody razor blade in it. I can tell it's his. I can tell he's depressed from the way he holds himself as she picks pieces of glass out of his back. There's a girl with a black shirt on that looks like it was torn into a crop top. I look at the boy a moment and realize that the bottom of her shirt is ripped and tied around his wrists. Despite the bandage there's blood still dripping through it and onto the ground in two puddles beside him.

"Give me your shirt." The girl says and he hands her the shirt hesitantly. She rips the bottom off and then rips that into two strips. She walks around him so I can see her face. She's a transfer.

"Do you expect me to walk through the Pit shirtless?" The boy asks.

"It's either that or you'd have a trail of blood from your wrists." The girl says. She takes his wrist and undoes her shirt bandages and replaces them. I can't help but wonder what the _hell _went on in here. The girl starts to walk around his to finish up on his back when she sees me. She stares at me with wide eyes. The boy turns around and faces me too but he doesn't look as shocked, he just looks irritated.

**Luke POV-**

Jade stares at him a moment and then walks over to the sink and grabs my blade and hoodie. The boy just stares at us in complete confusion. I don't know what to do.

"Come on, if we go now you might be able to get stitched up before training." She says handing me my hoodie but sliding the blade in the waistband of her shorts. And just like that I realize she knows me. She know I'm not going to skip training stitches or not. I shrug on my jacket and follow her out the door.

I follow her through the Pit and to the infirmary. There are two different rooms. One for waiting and appointments, one for like when initiates go through training and get hurt and just need a bag of ice or a brace for their ankle. Jade took me to the one where they fix you up quickly.

In the room were these cot like things for the patients and there were curtains if you wanted to be private. The cots were black and grey and empty. The only person there was a nurse named Marlene and a nurse named Addison. Marlene signed some papers on a clip board, handed them to Addison, and left.

Jade sat me down on one of the bunks and I said nothing. All of a sudden I felt empty. I always feel empty the morning after cutting. I don't feel sad or happy or confused I just feel nothing the rest of the day. That's one of the reasons I cut. But now I'm desperately trying to think about anything that could possibly be considered okay in this situation. Jade's hands are covered in my blood but she runs her fingers through her hair like she doesn't realize it. How is it that I always fall apart? She looks like if she stays with me another minute she'll fall apart, not because of me, but because she can.

"I'm guessing you can handle yourself, I'm going to go shower before training." Jade says finally and then she leaves.

Thank god. She's gone. I don't want people to see me like this, like I'm just a shell and nothing more. Not because I'm embarrassed, but because it's like I'm encouraging them to be empty and broken too. I made everyone in my house empty and broken. Everyone in my house made me empty and broken. It was a constant cycle until it wasn't anymore. And then I was alone. And then I left.

The nurse, Addison, makes her way over to me after shuffling with some papers at a nurses' station. She pulls up a stool on wheels and sits in front of me.

"So what's wrong?" She asks and I numbly pull off my hoodie and turn around so she can see my back.

"What happened?" She asks taking tweezers and alcohol wipes off a tray with medical instruments. It should burn when she wipes my back with the alcohol wipes but I feel nothing. Nothing. I don't want to respond. I don't. She takes the tweezers and tries to remove a piece of glass out of my back. I only know because she tells me, I don't feel it. I feel nothing. After a moment she speaks.

"What happened to your wrists?" She asks. I don't want to answer that. If she knows the truth….. I really can't do that again. Ever.

"Nothing." I say blandly. But she knows I'm lying. She'll prod.

"Is it the same nothing that happened to your back?" She asks. Why won't she shut up and let me be?

"Why do you care?" I ask.

"Because I'm a doctor and there are ways to feel better, you don't need to feel alone." She says in a kind voice but I don't care that it's kind. I feel a sudden urge of anger, I'm not here. I'm in my past.

"Why does everyone always say that? What's so wrong with being alone?" I say cruelly and she says nothing. Good. Maybe she'll leave me alone. She stitches up a few places in my back and I'm done.

"Do what you want but at least take some gauze for your wrists. Also it is my job as a doctor to ask you to hand over your razor blades." She says and I untie the bandages on my wrists. They've stopped bleeding. I turn around so she can have my wrists

"I don't have blades." I spit and it's true. I'm not sure Jade will give them back. I should probably take them assuming she has no blades, I don't want her to cut now that she has one within her reach. I don't want her to be caught up in my mess.

"Why don't I believe you?" Addison asks. She takes some gauze and tapes it with some medical tape around both my wrists.

"Because you have trust issues?" I suggest and she rolls her eyes.

"Fine, I trust you, so I better not see you here again with bleeding wrists." She says. Despite the bandaging and the stitching I still feel numb. I am numb.

**Review! **

**Song lyrics-**

**Gravity**

**Don't mean too much to me**

**I'm who I've got to be**

**~My Chemical Romance**

**Now review**

**Seriously**

**I'm going to keep doing this**


	47. Chapter 47

**Seriously, keep this whole review thing going. I got 17 reviews in like 5 hours and that's amazing. Here's another chapter because I love you guys.**

**Okay I have to say something in advance. SERIOUSLY READ THIS LITTLE PARAGRAPH! Luke's back story came out a lot more darker then I planned, a lot like the last chapter did. I'm sorry if you wanted to read my fluffy little sad Fourtris no war fanfic because you wanted some contemporary because these last chapters are just getting darker and darker. Don't fear the next chapter or the next one will go back to our fluffy Fourtris world but I needed a little more to happen which is weird I already gave Tris cancer and Will cheated and yeah.**

**I need you guys to keep this whole review thing going. I've said this like ten times but I will NEVER do that whole I NEED 15 REVIEWS TO UPDATE CAUSE I'M A SELFISH LITTLE BITCH WHO NEEDS COMPLIMENTS HEE HEE HEE no, fuck that shit. I trust I'll get reviews without begging.**

**Chapter Forty-Seven**

**Luke POV-**

By the time I'm done signing papers saying I'm leaving against medical suggestion and all initiation training has probably already happened. I feel too empty to go. I go to the dorms. I crawl under the covers in my bunk and close my eyes. I'm not going to sleep. I'm just lying down.

I remember one day I came home from school and my mom was lying in her bed. She was always in bed. I only remember so much of my childhood. I was around 14 when this happened and I wasn't depressed yet. My dad had left a note on the counter saying to be quiet and go to sleep when I got home from school. My dad stayed at the lab everyday trying to find out how to cure my mom. He never did. Mom was always asleep and dad was never home. I was always alone even before what happened.

I remember being hungry for dinner before I went to bed but we had no food. We had apples but my dad wouldn't let me have apples, they were so he could come home and shower in the mornings, grab an apple and go back to the lab. We had orange juice but that was for in the morning when my mom took her pills. I took an apple hoping my dad wouldn't notice. I hadn't eaten anything that day and dinner the night before was only one pear. I snuck into my room and ate it and hid the core in the bathroom trash can before going to sleep.

My dad came late that night and saw I ate one fucking apple. He came into my room and spoke to me in a dead quiet voice.

"You're worthless." He'd said. "I never wanted a child, you were a mistake your mother refused to get rid of. Once I cure her we're getting rid of you."

He went and showered and went back to the lab. I remember the next day after school somehow I'd gotten my hands on a razor blade. I'd gone home and I just wanted to die. I never realized until then how horrid my life was. My mom was dying of cancer and my dad was never home. I ate once every other day and I thought it was normal. All the kids would go home and eat lunch while I just stayed at the school and waited for time to be up and class to start again.

I went home and closed the bathroom door and I remember everything crystal clear. I remember pressing the blade to the skin of my wrist for the first time. I did it lightly, I didn't want there to be a scar, I wanted it to be secret. I remember cutting both my wrists twice. It didn't hurt as bad as I'd expected. It distracted me from the empty feeling in my stomach for not eating at all that day.

I remember sitting on the bottom of the shower letting my wrists heal so I wouldn't bleed anywhere else and then my mom walking in to go to the bathroom. I remember her seeing my sitting on the ground bleeding and not in pain. I remember her putting a hand over her mouth and crying out.

"Luke," She'd said. Her voice cracked and she started to cry. She's opened the glass door to the shower and I'd stood up. I remember her wrapping her arms around me, crying.

"Never do that." She'd said and we were both crying. I remember her putting gauze on my wrists, still crying a little.

"This'll be our little secret. Don't tell your father." She'd said and I'd nodded. I never told him. I knew better than to tell him. He wouldn't care. He would call me worthless and lock me in my room.

"You don't need to feel alone." My mom had said and I'd just looked at her.

"What if I want to be alone?" I'd said.

"I don't want you to be alone" She said.

After that I hid my razor. I didn't cut for a while after that. I was still depressed and starving. Every now and then I would gather clothes from other factions and pretend I was factionless just to get food. No one ever found out.

I lie in my bunk and think of that now. Memories swirl around in my mind and I hate it. I just want to feel empty again. The affect has faded. I loose myself in my past.

I remember when the doctors at the hospital had told my dad that even if he found a cure for cancer it would be too late. My mom was dying. She died that night. I remember earlier that day I'd snuck into her room to say goodbye and she was awake but hazy.

"I love you." I'd said and she shook her head.

"I know, I want to hear something else before I die. Promise me you'll never feel alone, even if you want to." She'd said. I was fifteen then and memories from the year before were confusing but I remembered that one clearly.

"I can't." I'd said and she smiled a little.

"Try, for me." She'd said. She opened her mouth to say something else but just then my dad came into the room and dragged me out.

I'd like to say before my mom died my dad was a good guy and after wards he died with her. But it wasn't like that. When she died, all his restrictions died. He'd been holding all the hatred for me up inside and now that wall came crashing down. He held nothing back. Nothing. Inside my dad wasn't a good man. He wasn't even human. He was insane. He didn't abuse me. Abuse is under-exaggerating what he did to me. What he did to me wasn't spur of the moment rage, it was pure, unadulterated hatred.

My dad made me stay home from school. It was for all the wrong reasons though. The reasons I haven't spoken to almost anyone in about a month. I guess it runs in the family to be cruel.

The day after my mom died it was my 15th birthday. My dad said I couldn't go to school. He told me to take off my shirt and I questioned it but I did. I remember him slamming my face into the wall and holding me there with an iron grip. When I cut myself it was an escape, it was something that reminded me things hurt worse than my dad's words. This was different. He had a knife in his hand and I remember the feeling when he cut in my skin the word _pain_. I will never forget the way he held me against the wall, like he wished he could just snap my neck right then. He let me go.

I remember running into my room and locking the door. I put my dresser up against it so he couldn't get in. I hid in my bathroom and locked the door in there to. My room was to only way to get inside. I remember showering off the blood and cutting that night. I will never forget the things he did to me.

I had to stay home for the rest of the week so my back could heal. My dad was in medical care and treatment and he was at work most of the time. Usually he'd have a surgery and he's be sweet to his patients. But when he came home he would cut me. Eventually he stopped using a phone after an incident when he left it at home and I had tried to call someone to help me. He would lock me in my room or bathroom most the time. He only let me out to give me a few scrap of food, to cut me, or to stitch me up with some supplies he stole from the hospital. I have to admit he scared me. I didn't go to school. He would give me books he took from the library to learn.

He did this for 7 months. By then my wrists were se scarred I had to start cutting over old scars. My back look like I was attacked by a psycho serial killer. It had words cut into it like _worthless_ and _burden._ I'm surprised Jade didn't notice, or maybe she did.

After 7 months I was mentally scarred. Almost no one I existed. People assumed I was 16 and had chosen to leave. But that was wrong, I was locked away from the rest of the world. I had two months to get out and I would've rather died then spent another three months tortured.

I remember every second of that night. My dad had carved lines into my back instead of words. I'd run off to my room to shower but I didn't shower. He was in his room and the knife was on his counter and… I grabbed the knife… I remember stepping into his room and the scared look in his eyes when he turned to see me with a knife. I remember plunging the knife into his chest. I remember seeing the light drain out of his cold brown eyes. And then it was over.

I ran into the ER and all the doctors thought I was the one hurt. I was drenched in blood, not just my fathers but my own. I remember falling to my knees and screaming. I remember the horrified look on everyone's eyes in the ER when I coughed out three words while sobbing.

"I killed him."

There was a mom and three children in the bed that I'd collapsed at the foot of and all the kids the horrified. They hand cuffed my bloody wrists to the bed at first but then they let my wrists out when they saw they were bloody and cut. They sedated me and I don't remember much of that day. I do remember explaining to the cops what happened while a team of doctors surrounded me. They didn't arrest me because it was considered an extremely provoked attack but I was mentally unfit to even feed myself.

I recognized Addison, luckily she didn't recognize me. She worked there a lot. She had one patient in the Dauntless compound she always went to see but otherwise she was always with me. She was the one who coaxed my past out of me and watched me all day and night. I remember one time I was left alone because she had an appointment with her one patient that afternoon. It was night time and I smashed a light bulb and she walked in on me using the broken glass as a razor blade. I remember her face while she bandaged my wrists and scolded me for not keeping a promise I made when I checked in. She had me sign a paper to say I wouldn't cut because she thought cutting just made it worse.

I got out of the hospital after two months. They gave me another place to stay for the month before the Choosing ceremony. I didn't do anything that month. I slept. I ate. I recovered. But you don't recover from something like that. I killed my own father. He may have been crazy and abused me but he was a living, breathing human being and I stopped those two things. I killed him. I stabbed a knife through someone's heart.

And that's why I'm no good. I killed someone. I lost someone. My mom died of cancer. My dad cut me. I killed my dad. No matter how you look at it those are the factors. Those are the truth. I didn't talk to anyone I didn't really _need _to talk to that month out of the fear we might get close. I can't be close with anyone, I'll have to tell them I killed my own father.

That's my story. That's my past. It's hard enough admitting it to myself, how the hell will I admit it to Jade?

I look at the clock and see there's still an hour of training left before lunch. I put on loose pants and a black V-neck shirt. I look down at my wrists which are still covered in gauze and decide to go to the mini ER in the compound and have Addison switch them out. I don't care if people know I cut now, I just don't want them to know my past. The Dauntless cops worked with me fairly and kept my story out of the public's grasp but when I was in the diner earlier this morning I saw one of the cops who I talked to about my dad and he recognized me clearly but he didn't say anything.

I walk to the training room and when I get inside and some people are shooting guns while other people are throwing knives. Aaron appears to be ignoring everyone. She has earbuds in and she's sitting on the floor with a book on her lap. She's a _great _instructor. She doesn't notice me so I sneak up to the knives table and grab a knife on the table.

I start throwing it at a target and I miss the target almost every time. My wrist is weak from cutting and the muscles in my back hurt when I lift my arm to throw the knife. I try to throw another knife and it lands about six inches away from the target. It's bad but it's closer than all the other knives I threw. I hear someone walk around me and I turn to see Jade who's turning a knife over and over in her hands. Knives aren't the best thing in the world to be seeing right now. I lift up a knife and I throw it but instead of seeing if lodge into the board I see it lodge into my father's chest. I see the light drain out of his eyes. I stare a second in confusion, waiting for my head separate past and present but it doesn't. I'm still standing in my father's bedroom. Except I'm not alone. Jade stands next to me and when I glance at her she frowns.

"You suck at throwing knives." She says and I see the board and the training room again.

"Shut up." I say and she rolls her eyes. I wish she would go away. I don't want to talk to her. She walks back to where she was standing before and starts throwing knives which hit the center almost every time. I wish she'd talk to me. No. She can't. I can't. I'm a burden and she's a gift. We don't mix. I keep throwing my knives and missing. Jade comes back over.

"Seriously, what's wrong? Your throwing sucks right now." She says.

"I'm tired." I lie.

"Aren't we all sweetheart? What makes you special enough to use it as an excuse?" She says and I roll my eyes.

"Okay answer me this, where were you earlier?" She asks and I sigh. I grab another knife and throw it and it hits the center perfectly.

"Now I don't suck, happy?" I spit and she doesn't seem to care.

"Answer the question." She says.

"I was showering." I say.

"Bullshit. Your hair is dry and you can't shower for _at least _24 hours after you get stitches." Jade says.

"I went to get more coffee." I lie and she sighs. I pick up another knife and throw it at the target, it hits right next to the center.

"How come all of a sudden you can throw good?" Jade asks.

"Because your presence makes me stronger." I say in a sweet sarcastic voice and she hits my arm.

"I'm leaving now." She says and I smirk. Once she's thrown a few knives she looks over at me. I throw a knife lazily and hits the wall next to the target, she rolls her eyes.

It confuses me how easily I can forget Erudite when I'm with Jade. I probably shouldn't keep flirting with her. It's stupid. It's a horrible idea. I need to stop. I'm going to stop. I glance sideways at Jade. I can't stop.

**Okay, Luke killed his father. Tell me in the reviews if you think it was right or wrong.**

**I seriously want to know if you think he did the right thing cause I'm not sure myself and I created him.**

**Song Lyrics-**

**If my velocity starts to make you sweat**

**Then just**

**Don't**

**Let **

**Go**

**~MCR**

**Sorry I'm listening to Planetary (GO!) and I really love MCR so I had to do that lyric**

**Now tell me your thoughts on Luke**

**Right now**

**Be a Young Volcano and TELLLL MEEEE**


	48. Chapter 48

**Megan, thank you for that review.**

**Guys if you like Punk Rock I just found this underappreciated band called Beartooth their song Beaten in Lips has very relatable lyrics that I'll use in the A/N in the end. It does have quite the amount of shouting but it's not as much as Of Mice & Men but not as little as Sleeping With Sirens. **

**Okay for Luke and Jade, I honestly hate the stereo type that everyone who likes Punk Rock or black clothes are suicidal and cut. No. That's not true. You can be emo and anything. I'm a fucking emo fangirl. I don't cut. I ever plan on cutting. I prefer black clothing and songs with beautiful; hardcore lyrics. I'm not to excited about the fact that I made them cut because A) I don't understand what that's lik****e and B) Not all emo's cut and I'm using one of the worst stereo types for people like me.**

**Anyways enjoy this shitty Fourtris chapter with an ending worse then Allegiant. Not in the sense that someone dies it's just it's shitty and badly written.**

**Chapter Forty-Eight**

**Tris POV-**

We leave a few minutes after lunch. I grab a medium sized black bag and put an appropriate change of clothes in it. Silently, Tobias and I make our way to the train tracks and jump into the train. As we sit in the train we discuss a few things like whether or not to call him Tobias or Four. We ride together until I start to see grey buildings and then we jump out. Together we walk through the city to get to Susan's rather than go the short way because then we'd have to pass Tobias' house.

I wheel my little oxygen tank behind me and walk silently get to Susan's street. The silence feels awfully nice. It gives me time to think. I wonder how my initiates are doing for Aaron. I hope she can handle them. I love her but I have a feeling she'd rather be sleeping then watching transfers throw knives and shoot guns.

After a little while I see Susan's house. I'm pretty sure she has a husband named Matt. I knock on the door and wait anxiously. The door opens and a boy around Tobias' age stands there. He has brown hair and piercing green eyes. Matt.

"Hi, Matt, is Susan there?" I ask. He doesn't recognize me. Last time I was here I was a wreck with only a little blond hair sticking up. Now I'm wearing a loose black V-neck and skinny jeans and a thick black belt. My hair is longer and brown and blue. No wonder he doesn't recognize me.

"One minute." He says and closes the door. Tobias glances at me strange but I ignore him. We stand there few about a minute when the door opens to reveal a familiar square jaw and blonde hair. Susan's hair is pulled up messily with a large grey clip and she looks tired and flustered.

"Tris?" She asks in disbelief and I nod.

"I'm sorry to stop by with no notice but it was important." I say.

"Its fine, you're welcome here anytime. Come in." Susan says. She opens the door all the way so Tobias and I walk in. Her house looks identical to the one she had last year. Matt opens his mouth to say something but the sound of a baby crying cuts him off.

"I can get her." Susan says and starts to walk to the stairs but Matt stops her.

"You talk to your friends, she's probably just tired." Matt says and he walks up the stairs and into a room at the top.

"Not to run out when I just got here but I have to go deal with something in Erudite." Tobias says and Susan says goodbye as he walks out the front door. I look out the door and see that he makes a wrong turn, if he was going to Erudite he would turn left. He turned right which leads to the factionless and Dauntless. I choose to ignore it and close the door. I turn back to Susan who smiles at me. She leads me into her living room and sits down on the couch, motioning for me to sit too.

"I love you Beatrice and I'm eternally grateful you're here especially after how your last visit ended, but you have to explain." Susan says and I smile at her. I tell her about how I'm managing, I may not have a lot of time left but I'm managing for now. I tell her how Tobias and I are getting married because I may not have a lot of time left so why wait.

"I believe you have some explaining to do yourself." I say hinting about what had happened earlier.

"One day Matt and I were giving food to the factionless and on our way back to our home we saw one of the factionless had abandoned their baby on the streets so we signed some papers in Erudite and took her in. We're not sure what to name her yet, we've only had her for two weeks." Susan explains and I nod. Maybe this isn't the best place to stay, they have a new born in the spare bedroom. I'm glad I didn't tell her I needed a place to stay yet.

"Anyways I thought I'd just check in before heading to Erudite, I'm staying with Caleb tonight." I say and she flushes for a moment.

"Bid your brother well for me, will you?" She asks in a soft, squeaky tone. I know she's always admired Caleb more than a friend but she's married and has a child, I wouldn't have brought him up if I knew…. If I knew what? Does she still like him? Is it just a friend missing a friend or something more? I push those thoughts out of my mind.

"It was great seeing you, I hope to see you again soon." I say standing up and she smiles a loving smile. She's always smiling. Abnegation requires she's kind and loving to all guests who show up, there is no one unwelcome.

"It was, you're welcome here anytime." Susan says and she sticks out her hand. I smirk and take it.

"Tell Matt I said goodbye." I say. I let go of her hand and she leads me out the front door. She waves at me as I turn left. I look back until she closes the door.

I didn't really think this through. Where the hell am I going to find Tobias? I have no clue where he went and I'm not sure if he's on his way back yet. I might not know where to look and I miss him and he goes back to Susan's confused. The only logical place I can think of is Dauntless. Why would he go to the factionless? What could he possibly want there?

I want through the Abnegation sector. Every house looks the same but I know exactly where I am. About a dozen houses up is my parents. Maybe I should talk to them. I should talk to them. It's been a year since I've seen my mom and three since I've seen my dad. I'm going to talk to them.

I'm about six houses away when the door to my house opens and out walks a male in black clothes. Tobias. I see my dad step out and shake his hand before closing the door. Once the door is shut Tobias starts in my direction and stops dead at the sight of me, my bag slung over my shoulder and my oxygen tank wheeling behind me. I walk until I'm close enough to Tobias.

"Why aren't you at Susan's?" He asks looking away.

"We're staying with Caleb." I say and he looks back at me in disbelief.

"Doesn't he hate me?" He asks and I shake my head.

"He's gotten over that." I say and he nods. "Do you want to explain why you were at my parents' house?"

"Must I explain?" He asks.

"Yes." I say and he sighs.

"I felt they should know we're getting married and I assumed you'd be against speaking to them so I did it alone. How'd you know?" He explains.

"You went the wrong way, Erudite is in the opposite direction. And I didn't know you were at my house, I was just going to see them but now I don't feel like it." I say and he nods.

"So we're going to Erudite?" He asks and I nod.

"I guess so." I can't help but feel a little anxious to see Caleb again. His opinion on my life style keeps changing.

**Caleb POV-**

I sit in the library all alone. Most Erudite go to the main building and go research on computers but I prefer the small libraries and old, battered books. Maybe that's because I'm used to them. Back in Abnegation I would take the old, beaten-up text books they were going to throw out from school. I offered to clean out the library every week and through that I was able to collect a large amount that I'd hide in every little hidden sliver of space in my room. I must admit I felt a little guilty at night knowing there were multiple textbooks hidden under my bed that I'd stolen but I couldn't stop. The Dauntless get their addictions on drugs and alcohol and adrenaline while I got addicted to stealing textbooks and learning. The moment I learned to read that's all I wanted to do. I'd steal small informational picture books when I was six or seven and that's what started it all. I was a good liar which made me feel guiltier. If I were a bad one who always got caught I would've been less guilty by the time I left because everyone would know and it wouldn't be a shock, but I wanted to be who my parents wanted me to be for a little while even if it was all an act.

After finishing my book on genecology I look up. The lady who runs the library and I are the only ones here. The lady who works here is a very nice old lady named Quinn, she was born in Dauntless but she was like me, she always knew she belonged somewhere else but never let on. She's 64 and wears black framed glasses, -black to remind her where she came from- she actually needs to read the books she has. Like me she prefers the actual book and not the computer.

I start a book on circulation and blood cells. Ever since Tris got cancer I've been extremely interested in medicine. Diseases and how they affect people and how we cure them, or don't, is just so fascinating. It almost makes me want to go back to school in Erudite and become a doctor. I love biology and chemistry and how certain chemicals react to certain medical conditions. It's amazing truthfully.

But I can't go back to school. I mean I could but I'd never be home. Maybe if I was still the same person I was when Tris first got diagnosed then I would go but I can't now. I couldn't do that to Bryn. We've been together for around a year now and if I went to medical school I'd never be home with her and that would be awful.

I haven't told Tris about Bryn. I'm not sure why it would affect her besides the fact that it opened my eyes and made me realize that no matter what I do she will always love Tobias, I can't stop that. I love Bryn and no one could make me not love her. She was an initiate the year after I was so she's a year younger than me. We didn't even start talking until after Tris passed out in my apartment and I realized how shitty a friend Adriana was but it was odd not having a girl around all the time and then I met Bryn. I met her because she had the oncology book I wanted to borrow from Quinn's personal library. I went to her apartment to see if she would let me borrow it for a day or so and I found out just how perfect she was. She teaches a class to the teenagers under 16 about medicine and she preferred old books like me. She was born in Dauntless and she had her moments when she sounded like one and I think Tris would like her too. I told her about Tris and Tobias and why I hated them together and she got me to understand what Tris was thinking. The only thing is I haven't told her I love her and I haven't told her Tris doesn't know who she is.

The book I was reading was only 200 pages long and I finished it in half an hour. I should probably go home and see Bryn. She has her own apartment but she usually stays at mine, I don't have the guts to tell her I love her let alone ask her to move in with me. But I love her and I think she loves me but I'm not sure. I should just suck it up and tell her. Hell, Tris could do it and she's my younger sister and she said it to an older guy.

I make my way through the city and to the apartment place for Erudite members. It's a beautiful building. It's one way glass windows all over and it's fun to just look out the windows at the city. It's also nice because while you can see everything from the inside the outside can see nothing inside the building without actually entering the building.

I walk into my apartment and see Bryn's sprawled out on the couch in a loose blue tank top and black shorts. I shut the door behind me and she doesn't open her eyes, she must be asleep. I slip into my bedroom and shut the door. I look at the clock and see its 5:30 PM. It's not early enough to go to sleep but I have nothing else to do, I'm not hungry and Bryn's asleep. I grab a book off my bookshelf about MRI machines and how they've evolved throughout time to what we have now.

I lie there for about half an hour reading when the door to my bedroom opens and Bryn steps in, her golden curly hair pulled back. She smiles lightly and I put my book down.

"I'm hungry, do you want to go out and eat?" Brynn asks and I sit up.

"I could go to that one place with the pizza you like." I offer and she grins widely.

"Please?" She asks and I get up, smiling at her. I rest my hands lightly on her shoulders.

"Anything for you." I say. I kiss her lightly before walking out of the room.

"What time will you be back?" Brynn calls after me.

"Around 7." I say and leave the apartment.

**Tris POV-**

"I'm going to the main building to inform them we're staying in the compound, you go talk to Caleb." Tobias says and he lets go of my hand and walks off. I think it's best he isn't here at first. You never know what will happen with Caleb.

I walk into the Erudite member apartment building. I see a large blue clock saying it's 6:37 PM and I look out the doors to see that it's getting dark outside, I hadn't even realized. A kind-looking old lady with blue glasses smiled at me behind the front desk. I walk over to the front desk, I'm not sure what Caleb's apartment number is.

"Excuse me, what's Caleb Priors room number?" I ask her.

"May I ask why you want to see him?" She asks kindly.

"I'm his sister." I say and she smiles.

"Here." She says and hands me a small piece of paper with his name and room number on it. I read before shoving it in my pocket and walking towards the stairs. Stairs probably aren't the best idea so I push the button for the elevator and step inside. I press his floor number and wait.

I get and follow through a few hallways before I'm standing right outside his apartment door. I take a deep breath and look down at my shoes. There's no knowing what he's going to say or do when he knows I'm here and why. He might be proud and happy or he might be pissed and want me to leave. I close my eyes a moment and lift my hand and knock. I hear shuffling inside and then Caleb unlatching the locks. I run my fingers through my hair and I watch as the door knob turns. Caleb pulls open the door and….

It's not Caleb.

Before me stands a girl with long brown hair tied in a knot on her head in a tank top. She looks me up and down, her eyes lingering at my hair and oxygen tank. A flicker of recognition in her eyes shows and I'm more confused. How could this stranger possibly know me?

"I'm sorry I must've gotten the wrong number, do you know where Caleb Prior lives?" I ask in shock and she frowns.

"He lives here, come in, he should be back soon." The girl says opening the door wider so I can enter. I stand there in shock.

"What do you mean he lives here? Who are you?" I ask and I don't enter Caleb's apartment.

"Just come inside." The girl says and I step inside. I don't remember being in here last time. I remember the general set up but I don't remember much else. I sit down on the couch and the girl sits down in the chair across from me.

"You must be Tris, Caleb will be happy to see you. I'm Brynn by the way, Caleb and I are together." Brynn says smiling and I just look down at my hands in my lap. What is going on? First Susan has a baby and Caleb finds someone, what's next, my parent have another child? I make a slip second choice to be nice to this Brynn girl and look up and smile at her.

"How long have you and Caleb been together? I apologize for my ignorance but my brother does truly love to hide things from me." I say and she smirks a little.

"About a year. Don't tell him this but I love him, he doesn't love me yet but I undoubtedly love him." Brynn says.

"That's great." I say. God, all I want right now is to sign some fucking papers and get the hell out of here. I don't like hearing about my brother's love life. I have nothing against this Brynn girl and I don't care if he loves someone I just don't particularly like to hear about strangers perfect, happy-go-lucky lives. I'm not jealous, I would hate a perfect, predictable life, but I have fucking cancer. I've gotten over my inevitable death and I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm attracted to wrecks and lost causes. But I'd sooner die then listen to this girl drone on about shoes and babies. In fact I like it when Christina gets pissed like when I said I didn't want kids, it's better than the sad look normal people give me, like I'm missing out on the best gift life has to give. Just looking at her I know Brynn would give me that look, no doubt.

"I'm guessing you're not just the average sister." Brynn says and I nod.

"I have fucking cancer and honestly if I could choose between your beautiful, comfortable, predictable life here in Erudite with a sweet guy or my thrilling, cancer-filled, shitty life back at Dauntless I would choose the life I'm living right now because it's perfect." I say.

"I have to admit, there are times where I miss Dauntless and the thrill of it all, but I've found someone now." Brynn says and someone knocks on the door. I rush over and open the door to reveal Tobias.

"Get this, you only need to stay the night if you're adopting a kid, we could've signed the papers and hour ago and gotten back before dinner." Tobias says and I groan.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me, we just wasted a whole fucking day because the Erudite screwed up." I say annoyed.

"Where's Caleb?" Tobias asks.

"Never mind Caleb I'm signing some papers and getting the fuck out of here. It's been like two hours and I'm sick of the outside world I just want to go home." I say and I take Tobias' hand and together we go sign some stupid papers before going home.

**Yeah I got bored of this whole marriage thing. They're married but the whole Caleb shit was just so you could see where he's going with his life. Here's todays song lyrics-**

**This is for the kids with a soul like mine  
>When people tell you living is a waste of your time<br>Keep living loud and proud  
>They never can hold you down<strong>

**~Beartooth**

**Those lyrics are too perfect.**

**Okay keep up our review system**

**Seriously **

**Or you won't get the new chapter**

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**Lol Jk you know I'd never do that**

**Just review so I never get that desprate**


	49. Chapter 49

**New chapter! Yay!**

**Fuck it all I had the best idea ever strike me while I was listening to Pierce The Veil's song call Bulletproof Love so I'm updating.**

**If you like it favourite and follow my story. I'm pretty sure if you favorite my story you'll get an email whenever I update so what's not to love.**

**Also you better fucking review or I will find you and steal all your books and fandom/bandom merch because that's me.**

**Chapter Forty-Nine**

**Jade POV-**

Aaron frees us from the glory and joy of knife throwing to go wonder around and eat lunch for an hour and a half before we have to experience the pure beauty of punching bags. Yay. Aaron also informed us that Four and Six would be training us for the punching bags. Double yay. I chose fucking Dauntless to get away from all the shit and pain and all it's given me back is shit and pain.

Then again if I'd never chosen Dauntless I'd never have met Luke which could be both a pro and a con of Dauntless. He's just so fucking confusing. He also is destroying my life whilst piecing it together. I don't think I'll ever be sure what to make of him. He's the reason I'm happy and depressed at the same time.

He's also the reason there is a razor blade in the back pocket of my skinny jeans right now. I'm not sure exactly what to do with it. I can't give it to him; I don't want him to harm himself. But then again I can't keep it because then I'll have a razor blade in reach. But I can't throw it out, I can't get upset with him for being weak and confiscate it because I'm in the exact same position and it's not my place to butt in; it's his life. And yet I still can't give it to him because that's basically telling him I don't care if he cuts until he dies, I'm so not okay with him dying considering he's the closest thing I have to a friend right now whilst still being the meanest initiate.

Fuck why does he do this? He kisses me and then he runs off and cuts himself then starts making jokes around me. What the fuck am I supposed to think about him? He acts like he's fine but at the same time he acts like a lost cause. I desperately want to know what's wrong with him but then I'll have to tell him what's wrong with me so fuck what do I do?

As much as I don't want to admit it I need to talk to someone I trust and the closest thing to that is Lena. I'd rather be a target for Four's knife throwing then show up at Lena's doorstep and beg for help but there isn't much room for preference, I need to know what I'm getting into and Lena might just know. She's the only one who might just understand and not give a fuck about me at the same time. So basically she's the female Luke; one minute she loves you the next he just doesn't care.

I break away from the initiates and wander trying to find Lena's apartment is. I travel through a bunch of hallways until I hear her voice through a door I was about to pass. Hopefully I'm right that this is her apartment. Hopefully I'm right thinking seeing her is worth it when she turned her shoulder. I can't block the thought from my mind that maybe she never cared about me she just didn't want anyone to hurt; maybe she thinks of me as an abused stranger that she wants okay but could care less who I am.

I take a deep breath and run my hand through my side bangs, pushing them back. I wonder what she'll think of me now. Last time I saw her might not have been that long ago but I look different now. My hair is choppy and my nose is pierced. After I took Luke to the infirmary I managed to stop in the bathroom and put on thick eyeliner. I also changed out of my torn, bloody clothes and into black skinny jeans and an oversized black sweater with a band logo on it.

Despite how unsure I am I lift my arm and knock. I hear footsteps and I honestly consider running away before she gets to the door. I hear someone undoing the locks. Now's the time to run if I'm going to. I try to force myself to move but I'm frozen in place like some pathetic slut in a horror movie when the demon or whatever attacks. Then the door opened.

"Jade?" I should've assumed she might not recognize me right away.

"Is this a bad time?" My voice is shaky and I feel pathetic and childish. She looks grown up and older and I'm still just me. Her hair is pulled back messily and she's wearing worn out black jeans and a white tank top with a black and red button-down plaid shirt. The outfit was simple and yet somehow she managed to make it seem so much more.

I felt like nothing next to her. I felt so small which was something that never used to happen. Maybe it's because I caved first and went to her for help. I don't ask for help. I don't want to tell her how bad it got without her because she had it so fucking easy compared to what I got. I still get back pains a lot because of my mother. Once Lena had left she'd gotten so damn worse it was unbelievable. She used to try to take the blow for more and I let her believe she did. But after beating Lena mom used to get me and beat me for twice as long and twice as hard because I'd let her take the pain. Because I was a selfish little child. Because I was worthless to her. Because I didn't deserve to breathe but she sure as hell wasn't going to let me go down easy. Mom wanted to draw out as much agony and tears from this as she could and she did. No wonder I feel so fucking worthless next to Lena. Lena was lucky and mom let her off easier because she was, _is_, better than me.

"No, come in." Lena opens the door and I numbly walk in. I'm not sure exactly what to say or do or feel.

The apartment is bland in small. A guy sits on the couch, a _highly _attractive guy I must say. He has earbuds in and keeps his eyes trained on the ceiling, not at all noticing our presence. Lena pulls out one of his earbuds and he looks at her with glittering eyes and sits up.

"I heard Olli and Kailee are doing something, why don't you leave for a while?" Lena talks quietly, probably thinking I can't hear her. The guy nods and gets up off the couch and slides his phone into his pocket before walking out the door.

"Who was that?" My voice sounds smaller and quieter than normal.

"What do you want?" I almost recoil at the sound of annoyance in her voice.

"Don't get all bitchy on _me _Lena. You walk around like some kicked little helpless puppy who needs someone to protect her but the truth is you haven't felt jack shit. You got it easy at home so don't say anything." There is no way in hell I'm going to let anyone talk to me like that especially Lena.

"Calm down." She says tiredly as if she's heard it all before.

Goddamnit when I saw her after jumping off the building and she hugged me I thought maybe, _just maybe _things would be alright for once. How could I be so fucking stupid? She clearly doesn't care about me anymore. I thought we'd be a happy, strong little family but no. As I look into her cold blue eyes all I want to do is smack her. I'd hoped up until now that maybe she would invite me into her little family since she'd been nice for about an hour but now I see that'd never happen. Mom was right; Lena would never want me back. No one would ever want me.

"Calm down? You have no right to be a bitch to me! I waited two fucking years of hell to be with you! I could've offed myself, and god knows how desperately I wanted to. But I didn't, because I thought you'd fucking care. I went through hell for two years to be rejected by a selfish-ass bitch who thinks what she went through was pain." My voice rises and I'm no longer small or quiet. In this moment I'm 10 feet tall and Lena is the small one. Lena's eyes harden.

"_I'm _the one who protected you throughout the time I was there. You should be thanking me! I took the beatings and mom let you go. Don't you dare say I went through it easier because you wouldn't even understand the pain she made me feel." Lena snarls.

"Oh my bad, did mom cut your back with a knife so bad it's still not healed after over a year just because you wouldn't take your shirt off to let her whip you? Did she ever whip you for hours on end telling you how worthless you are and how the one person whose opinion actually matters to you will never care about you? I bet you don't even care what she did to me because you think you were my hero. Did you _really _believe that when you stood up for me mom let me run off to my room without a scratch? Did you ever stop and think what she did to me whenever you took the 'pain'? I guess she was right; you'll never care about me. How did you sleep at night after taking a beating? I bet you felt like such a hero and didn't even care what happened while your eyes were closed because you'd done your share of helping the community." Lena's eyes glittered with tear that started to spill over as I finished. I didn't cry. I wouldn't spill anymore tears for her. And just like that I'd forgotten what the closest thing to love I'd ever felt was like. I didn't care anymore.

"Oh God, Jade." Lena's eyes and words were full of bitter pity that made me want to throw up.

"Just don't. Ever." I spit and stalk out. I don't feel sad. I don't feel disappointed. What's another load of shit on the wreckage of my life?

**If you liked it review. If you didn't than fuck you. It's that simple.**

**This chapters song lyrics-**

**Don't you dare try to blame this on me**

**My love for you was bulletproof**

**But your the one who shot me**

**~Pierce The Veil**


	50. Chapter 50

**Yet another chapter Young Bloods.**

**Okay so I need y'all to review or I won't know you're out there and reading this so leave something below it'll take like three seconds.**

**Chapter Fifty**

**Jade POV-**

I can't go to the cafeteria. I feel sick. I have a bitter taste in my mouth and my wrists itch awfully for a kiss from a razor. I don't feel sad about what happened between Lena and I, I just feel pissy. It's taking all I have not to cut, I mean I have a blade.

Instead of going to get lunch which would just make me sick, I go back to the dorms. I sit on my bunk and check to make sure it's empty again before pulling out the blade. It sits in my palm and I can't breathe. The cold metal against the skin of my palm feels familiar. I sigh and use all my strength to open the top drawer in my little nightstand/dresser next to my bunk and put the razor on top of my black pants and shut the drawer. I sit there breathing heavily trying not to pull out that razor and hack my wrists until it's time to go to training. Then I change into a white tank top with two music signs in a heart and keep on my jeans before leaving.

**Lena POV-**

Holy shit. I take a second and stare at the door Jade walked out of about ten minutes ago. Was she being fucking serious? Did mom beat her no matter what I did? Did mom stab her back? Did mom verbally abuse her too?

Whatever. I loved Jade and all I wanted was to get her out. She was so innocent and cute and young. She used to flash me this smile and her eyes would light up into a bright blue when she saw me. She was such a perfect child. Her hair was a curly black and her skin tan. She had a shit time with mom but she never showed that to anyone. She was cute and strong.

And she destroyed that. She has a ghostly pallor that makes me concerned and eyes like rain rather than a blue sky. She pierce her nose and I saw scars peaking out from under her totally oversized sweater. She looks too thin to be healthy and she cut her hair as choppily as she cut her wrists. I can't believe she was so beautiful and happy and she threw that all away. And for what?

I hate to be a bitch but I really think she's faking the whole 'mom abuse me worse' thing for my attention. I believed her right then and there but now not so much. If she was really that pained she would've been crying or showed some sort of emotion on her face but instead it was blank.

I flop onto the couch and groan. Why must she be so complicated? I loved her for what she was and how much hope she had and how that gave me the courage to stand up for her. But no. She tore that hope to shreds and listened to fucking satanic emo shit music as it burned and then cut. I loved her for her optimism. I loved her for who she was and finally she came and she's just this depressed, emotionless freak who thinks its okay to some to my apartment solely to scream at me and leave. I don't think I love what she's become.

**Luke POV-**

I walk into the training room and immediately groan. Punching bags. How fun. I look around and see to my luck that Jade isn't here. Hopefully she doesn't come. I can't keep doing this to her and myself. I need to stop flirting with her and stop being nice or I'll break her.

Then I see her. How the fuck am I supposed to be rude to her when she's wearing _that_? Is she trying to be difficult? Her eyes look cold and hard as if something shitty happened and she looks pissed. Her fists are clenched at her sides and she's obviously biting her lip really hard. She's so beautiful. But I can never have her.

She walks over to a punching bag away from where the other initiates are gathering and looks at me expectantly with her wide grey/blue eyes. I clench my jaw and turn around and walk to the opposite side of where the other initiates are so there are about 15 punching bags between us. I don't dare sneak a glance to see her face because I know it'll be disappointed.

"Assuming you have brains you know what to do with punching bags so do that." Six shouts once we're all here and we all start punching and kicking.

I kind of just stand there awkwardly and pretend I'm trying because I can't do it. Not after Six says that we should picture the punching bag as someone we hate. Instead of seeing a black, worn down sack of nothing I see my father's eyes as the light drains from them and I feel sick to my stomach and start getting weaker. He is my weakness. I'm not sure if it was weak not to just suck it up and take the beatings or not take a stand sooner but either way he makes me feel like a worthless little coward even though he's gone.

I glance at Jade who looks fucking adorable. She beats the shit out of the punching bag but it doesn't move an inch and she looks adorably pissed if that's possible. I can't even believe someone can look so cute and strong at the same time. Her eyes are wide and sad but she keeps throwing punches until they become lazier and lazier and I'm sure I probably seem like a stalker but I just can't look away. Finally she stops and she puts her hands on her face. I hope she's okay. Six looks her up and down and walks over to her. She says something to Jade and Jade nods before walking out and leaving. What?

**Jade POV-**

I feel like a pile of shit and I just need to do something fucking dramatic before I cut because that might be better. Six notices me and walks over to me. Her eyes have absolutely no pity but her voice is soft and warm.

"You don't look to good. Go back to the dorms and come back tomorrow. You're no good worn out." I nod and almost glance at Luke before walking out but decide against it. The look in his eyes earlier was enough. He was an asshole.

Instead of going back to the dorms like Six said I go to the hair place for girls. I get my hair dyed blue and green like some sort of screwed up hombre and I'm content finally. I'm not sure why but dying my hair gives me like a high. I then go to the dorms and change back into my sweater because it's so much softer and looser than my tank top.

After changing I go wander the hallways of Dauntless while listening to music through my head phones which made wander 5000 times more fun than without it. Music puts me in a numbing state I could be in for hours without feeling a single fucking thing and thinking a single fucking thought. I wonder around until my legs are tired before looking at the time to see it's nine.

I have nothing better to do so I keep wondering until I find myself standing in front of the doors to a bar that looks awfully appealing. It's full of pierced, choppy haired Dauntless drinking and one of my favorite bands is playing in the bathroom. Without thinking I walk in and sit down at the bar next to a boy with shimmering blue/green eyes and choppy dark brown hair in his eyes and basic black plugs in his ears. I must admit he's even more attractive than the guy in Lena's apartment, I think his name was Zayn. He's not cuter than Luke but it's a tough choice.

"Can I buy you a drink?" He says and I freeze for a moment. This _is _where I say yes right? Have no fucking clue but I smile a little.

"Yeah, thanks." He motions to the bartender and soon enough there's a bottle of beer in front of me. I've drank before. I had my ways of smuggling some to dull the aches in my back and I'd become almost immune to the airy feeling it gave me after a bottle of beer and started taking two to black out. I'm a light drinker usually which was helpful because I drank a fuck load back in Candor. I used to curl up in my closet and get drunk alone and cry until I passed out from either drinking or exhaustion. I take a sip now and the taste is all too bitter and familiar."I'm Finick by the way." He says and I smile. That's a cute name. Damn it he's so cute like a little puppy dog.

"Jade."

"I'm guessing you've been through some shit." He suggests.

"Haven't we all." I say blandly taking another sip of my drink.

"Very much."

"I'm sorry this isn't really my scene, I prefer to usually drink alone then pass out." I admit and he nods.

"Yeah, I'm not commonly here either but nonetheless…." He trails off.

"I get that." This feels comfortable, normal. The first thing in my life that isn't complicated and painful.

"I've been having a hard time and… I'm sorry you probably don't care we don't even know each other's names so I'm going to fucking shut up right about now." He sips his drinks uncomfortably.

"I do care, and I'm Jade by the way."

"Finick." He replies lightly.

**Lena-**

I make an awful and low decision to go through Jade's stuff while she's in training. I know that's creepy and wrong but I can't stop myself. I go through her bottom two drawer and find nothing but a wide assortment of bracelets, skinny jeans, band tee's and oversized sweaters and sweat pants. I'm not sure how she's collected this much Dauntless stuff in a very limited time but I guess she just made time.

When I get the last drawer I pull it open hoping to find something I can use. Something that actually means anything. I see and iPod and some black earbuds on top and a ton more bracelets and nose rings when I see it. A blade. I lift it up and run my finger tips over the sharp edges cutting them slightly at the tips. What a shame it would be if her precious razor blade went missing. How else would she draw any attention at all? I slip it into my pocket and smirk. Maybe she'll come to her fucking senses and actually grow up and stop being a pathetic little emo.

**Jade POV-**

Finick and I talk generally about what's going on in our personal lives. Like I don't say I was abused I say I had a shit time in my old faction and the worst family. Finick is a few years older than me and talks about this magnificent girl he won't name that he lost. We both down a beer each as we talk and go absolutely nowhere. I doubt I'll ever see him again but this feel so nice and I never want it to stop.

Finick excuses himself to the bathroom as I start my second beer he bought me. He's so sweet and cute like a little puppy. I take another sip and someone slides into the seat to my right. I look to my side and stiffen. Luke.

"Hey Jade." He says in a happy voice that makes me want to slap him for being an asshole earlier.

"You don't get to be a jerk one minute and expect me to be your friend the next, it's douche-y and I won't stand by it." I blurt out and he smirks at me. He leans closer so his breath hits my ear as he speaks.

"I think we're more than friends, Kitten." Holy fucking hell did he just call me _Kitten_? _Kitten? _Really? I smack his chest.

"I'm being serious can you?"

"Fine, I'll try this odd think called not being douche-y but no promises it'll work out. But first answer me this; who were you talking to a minute ago?" Is he jealous?

"Someone's jealous." I smirk and he rolls his eyes.

"Shut up, _Kitten._"

"Don't call me Kitten, like, ever." I say and he laughs.

He motions for the bartender and he sets a beer before him. Luke takes a sip and smirks at me with a smirk I want to slap off his gorgeous pale face.

"You're avoiding the question."

"Some guy named Finick, he's pretty cool. Before you freak out and get all jealous he loves this girl or whatever. I don't know him that much." I admit and Luke sighs.

"How much is it going to take to tear you away from him to do something absolutely immature and fun with me?" He asks and I shrug. I do need something fun. Comfortable is nice but experiencing joy seems so much more thrilling. I ache to feel something other than numb, pissy or sad.

"I don't want to ditch him though, he's really nice." I say.

"Then I'll run away and you give him uplifting advice to go seek his girl. Time's up it's your choice, he's coming. Meet me outside if you're coming." He takes one last sip of his beer before walking out. I glance to the left to see Finick sit next to me.

"Go get her." I say and he looks at me strange.

"What's you say?"

"Go get her and tell he the fucking truth. I don't care if she's moved on or isn't sure she feels the same or doesn't like you I promise you once she hears you love her she'll be unsure about her choice. Just do it. Fuck reason and plans just fucking tell her and I guarantee you'll get some big reaction." I say and he nods.

"Thanks." He says and finishes his beer and walks out. Hopefully that works out for him or I'll seem like a major bitch. I hesitantly walk out to meet Luke who stands there impatiently.

"Okay what are we doing?" I ask.

"Something inappropriate and fun. Just follow me." He says and we're off.

**So there you go Finick isn't dead. Dun Dun Dun**

**Song Lyrics-**

**I want to hold your hand so tight**

**I'm gonna break my wrist**

**~Pierce The Fucking Veil**

**Jk it's just Pierc The Veil**

**Review:)**


	51. Chapter 51

**So I'm back *back in black wells up in the background* Anyways I've been reading and rereading some of my reviews and THANK YOU I felt Jade's character was whiny but I needed someone to confirm that I'm not crazy and you've done that. I'm not going to bullshit you and say I'll have another chapter up soon because no one would believe me anyways.**

**Oh and someone said to make Jade less emo but too bad bitch because I've already decided who she is as a person and that's not going to change**

**Chapter Fifty-One**

**Lena POV-**

I walk through the Pit and towards the first bar I see, I'm meeting Zayn there. I want to tell him what happened between Jade and I and I don't think I'd be able to make it through the whole story without alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, I actually prefer not to drink, but sometimes we all need a little liquid encouragement to make it through the night.

I'd carefully selected my outfit before coming here just in case Zayn didn't agree with me then he would. Zayn's a sweet guy but I know that sometimes my outfit can make a slight difference in his opinion of what I say to him. I'd tugged on tight, high wasted blue jean that are worn out. I'd put on a loose black lacey tank top and a neon green bandeau under it. My dark hair was in curly waves tumbled down my back and was so long it reached my stomach and brushed it as I walked in my black, studded heels. I looked kind of slutty but that wasn't the point of my outrageous getup, I wasn't trying to sleep with anyone I just believe I should look good for my boyfriend at all time.

I near the bar and I'm about to walk in when I spot Jade and some boy with choppy hair and piercings. Oh god, is he the one who went and screwed with her head? I wanted revenge on him for destroying my innocent little sister. I crouched behind a jagged slab of rock that was sticking out of the unevenly cut stone walls. I peered around and tried to overhear what they were saying. Then I notice it; she's dyed her hair blue and green. Holy shit, why would she destroy her beautiful hair? Her hair was so gorgeous.

"Okay what are we doing?" Jade's voice sounds easy, happy almost. How could she be happy now and yet she was screaming about how awful her life was and how she wanted to die merely hours ago? Maybe she's just a pathetic attention seeker, though that's not who I tried to raise her to be.

"Something inappropriate and fun." The boy's voice is snarky as is his expression as he sees my sisters eyes widen slightly at his words. Oh _hell _no, that bastards not doing anything inappropriate with my baby sister so he better back the fuck up. Why am I being so over protective? He takes her hand and tries to lead her down the hallway but she stays put. I swear if he lays a single finger on her I'm going to kill him.

"Come on _Kitten_, be spontaneous. Do something exciting for once, these last few days have been boring." Did he just call her Kitten? That sounds dirty. What have they been doing the past few days?

"You call the last few days _boring_?" Jade's voice is full of disbelief.

"Just come on." He pleads and I roll my eyes. He's pretty attractive, minus the choppy hair and the lip piercing. His eyes were a glittering, deep blue and his hair as black as my own. His skin was a soft, pinky color. Personally I prefer tanner guys but he was pretty cute. He wasn't muscular but he wasn't scrawny, he was sort of just skinny. He has on a grey beanie, a black shirt with some random band logo on it and black sweat pants. He runs his hands up and down from her shoulders to her forearms. I wish he would take his dirty paws off her. Why is she letting him touch her? I'm just glad she's wearing a long sleeved sweater.

"Will there be other people, because I'm a _little _drunk and _so _not in the mood to deal with other people." How could she even be considering this?

"Kitten, you know I hate people that aren't you." Is he fucking flirting with the blue haired skank? I hate to be harsh but that's what she is if she goes with him.

"Only if you promise to stop calling me Kitten." Jade finalizes. No. My sister cannot and will not be the skank she's becoming by going with him. He holds her shoulders, leans in and whispers something into her ear that makes her face flush. She laughs a little and smacks his chest.

"Shut up." She giggles and takes his hand before walking away. I had the slightest shimmer of hope she would change back to normal, now I'm not so sure.

I stand up from my crouch and walk into the bar. Zayn isn't there yet so I hurry myself to the ladies room to fix my make-up. There's only one other girl in the bathroom and she had plugs, an eyebrow ring, a couple tattoos and blonde choppy hair. I would've preferred to go to a normal bar but I'd chosen here because I wanted to pick up on some of the emo gossip going around that may involve my sister. It was a reasonable choice considering I've already seen her, drunk and running off to bed with some guy in a beanie.

I check my face in the mirror and I'm so pleased with myself I grin. I look _hot._ There's no way Zayn can disagree with me in this outfit. The girl next to me looks me up and down and I look at her. She wears ripped black skinny jeans and a tight long sleeve black shirt. Her hair is longer than mine and golden. She's very pretty and her winged eyeliner makes her green eyes piercing and striking.

"You meeting someone?" She asks, her voice is smooth and sweet like honey.

"Yeah." I breathe. She's kind of intimidating with her bubble gum colored lips and dark colors.

"You must be an initiate than." She says coldly.

"Where do you get that idea?" Do I look childish?

"You don't belong in this bar and you know it, you look like some half priced hooker. You won't get any action here honey, all we want are drinks, music and someone to bitch to. You look like you want to get laid." With that she walks out, her black heeled boots clicking on the bathroom tiles. I sigh and walk out.

I look around and most the seats are taken. I slide down in a stool at the bar next to a boy with choppy brown hair and ocean colored eyes. He looks over at me and glances me up and down before frowning.

"You look familiar, have we met?" He asks and I groan internally. He looks a few years older than me and he's using _that _cliché of a pickup line? Ugh.

"You're really going to use _that _excuse to talk to me? I'm not as easy as I seem to you freaks." I spit and he just rolls his eyes.

"It wasn't a pickup line, why do girls like you always think guys want to get in their pants? You're not even that attractive honey so get the fuck over yourself, no one in this bar will want to take you home. I was being serious, where do I know you from?" His words make me flinch and he takes a long sip from his bottle of beer. Ouch. Why is everyone so fucking grumpy?

Wait, what if he knows Jade? That's like the only way he could possibly recognize me, though she's destroyed her hair and stabbed a hole in her nose we still share similar face structures. Oh god, did she sleep with him? He's so much _older_. Oh Jade, you really do need help.

"Maybe you've met my sister Jade." I supply and a flicker of recognition crosses his eyes. No.

"Yes! That's it! I met her like five minutes ago, she's a wonderful girl." He says with a faint smile and I cringe. Gross.

"What's she say to you?" He gives me a strange look.

"She said she had a family from hell and she just wanted a fucking second to herself to have a drink so I bought her one and then she gave me some relationship advice and ran off with one of the other initiates. She has a magnificent personality, it's too bad she'll never know that because everyone she loves treats her like shit. Have a nice day, bitch." He stands up and grabs the jacket he was sitting on and slings it over his shoulder before sauntering out. I stare in disbelief, did he just say that? Before I can think someone taps my shoulder and I look behind me to see Zayn, I pat the seat that man was just sitting in and he sits next to me. He asks for a beer and something fruity for me.

"So what'd you want to talk about?" He asks sipping his beer calmly. He barely gives my outfit a second look which is really disappointing.

"My sister's become a pierced, dyed, attention-seeking, lying slut who goes home will go home with any guy if they have fringe. I just thought I'd share that with you and this seemed like the appropriate place to say it." Zayn looks at me shocked.

"How could you say that about your own sister?" His voice wavers.

"Have you seen her?" I say and he shrugs.

"Yeah I passed her in the Pit on the way here but she didn't seem like an attention-seeking slut. She has blue hair and piercings, but she was also laughing with a friend while you're here in a bar with everything hanging out complaining about how _she's _the slut. I love you Lena but since Jade's shown up you've been nothing but an absolute bitch and acting like you have something to prove. You want to know what else I think?"

I didn't reply so he kept going.

"I think you _want _her to be some slut so you look so much better because you think so little of your own blood and goddamn it I don't want to be with someone who thinks how your acting is appropriate. I think you're being a hypocrite calling her slut because you _are _the one in close to no clothes while she's wearing long sleeves. I know what I'm saying is cold but you're not the only person in this world who matters. You're not the sun, not everything revolves around what you think." Zayn's words sting. I feel my face grow red and embarrassment swells inside me. Am I being a bitch again? Holy shit; he's right. I've been nothing but bitter and cruel to everyone around me since Jade showed up. I put a hand over my mouth. How did I let myself do this to her?

"You see, this is why I need you. Without you I'd be a _complete _psycho bitch, at least with you I'm only partly a psycho." Zayn looks pretty shocked that his words actually got through to me. I understand why too; sometimes I get really bitchy and just have no reason whatsoever in my mind. I'm like that whenever I'm reminded of my past. I'm not saying my past is a fair excuse for being awful and slutty and jealous but somehow turning into a total bitch helps me forget my past.

Oh and I've been so utterly awful to Jade. I never said it to her face but I've called her a slut about a thousand times today because I didn't want to get close to her because then I'd have to acknowledge the hell she's been put through these past few years. And now she wants to die and talking to some stranger sounds more appealing than talking to me.

"I am so glad that worked otherwise you probably would've killed me." Zayn lets out a breath and I laugh a little.

"Do you know where my sister and that guy were going? I need to see Jade, right now." Zayn nods. Oh thank god, now I can find Jade and tell her just how sorry I am.

**Jade POV-**

"Kitten, you know I hate people who aren't you." I feel my face grow warm. Why does he keep doing this to me? He's a fucking tease, Jade. Don't trust him.

"Only if you promise to stop calling me Kitten." No, I know it's be nice to do something fun but why with him? Too late now I guess. He puts his hands on my shoulder and leans in close so he's whispering.

"Now why would I do that, _Kitten_?" He teases and I pull away and smack his chest.

"Shut up." I say but I laugh a little before lacing my fingers with his and walking away.

I walk with him through the Pit and a bunch of hallways and up about 1000 stairs in a pitch black stairwell he has to guide me down so I don't fall and die. My stomach tosses as we keep going up and up. Finally we reach a door, it's dark but I can make out its edges. Luke pulls open the door and moonlight stream through.

I gasp at the sudden flow of warm, outside air. Luke tugs me out the door and shut's it behind us. I let go of his hand and toss my head back to look at the stars the dot the skyline, it truly is beautiful. The warm is isn't too hot but it makes me wish I'd worn short sleeves so I could feel the breeze on my bare arms rather than just my face.

"Come on, we aren't there yet." He guides me along the outdoors for a while. We pass a wooded area. I'm just glad to be outside in the fresh air. Finally we get to a clearing in the trees and I know exactly where we are. The grass turns to sand and before me lies a beach. We were taught about this place in history; this used to be dry land but over time the sea level rose and swallowed the land. It was beautiful.

Not only were their waves crashing and a salty ocean spray but there was a picnic blanket with a cooler and a bathing suit on it. This was ridiculously perfect and extremely kind of him.

"You can go in the woods to change into the bathing suit, I promise I won't be a creep and look. What I can't promise is that it'll fit, I stole it from Saraphine." He says and I laugh.

"Of course you stole it." I retort.

"Shut up, I'm awesome." He steps closer to me and wraps his arms around my waist.

"Say whatever you need to sleep at night." He smirks and presses his lips to mine. He pulls away after a moment though.

"Go get changed so I can show you just how awesome I am and unpack the food." I couldn't help but feel a little flicker in my stomach when he said food; I was actually starving.

I grabbed the bathing suit and ran off deep into the trees so he couldn't see me. The bathing suit was a black bikini. It fit me okay but it was a little small and exposing for my taste. I especially hated it showed the scars I'd manufactured on my thighs and the whip marks on my back. Even worse the scar where my mom had cut me wrapped around from my back to my stomach and it was so clear in the front and I knew she'd cut deeper into my back so I can't imagine how awful that scar looks. I throw back on my sweater. Maybe if I wear it until we get into the water I can take it off and run it before he sees the scars.

I fold my jeans and walk out of the trees to see Luke sitting on the picnic blanket shirtless with a bathing suit on. He's drinking some sort of alcohol which probably isn't the best idea when you're surrounded by an ocean and a wooded area. I sit own across from him on the blanket.

"If you plan on swimming than you should probably stop drinking, unless you want to drown that is." I say and he raises his eyebrows.

"Whatever you say. We should go in now because it's supposed to get colder."

I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of swimming in deep water with who knows what else swimming underneath me but I stand up nonetheless and pull off my sweater. I toss it onto the blanket and run to the water's edge with Luke close behind me. I run into it and get in so the waters almost to my knees before shrieking from the cold temperature of the water. I try to run back out but Luke slings my over his shoulder and charges me back into the water as I laugh and scream uncontrollably.

"Put me down asshole." I say giggling he lets me down into the freezing water which is now too deep for me to stand. I make a split second decision to jump on Luke's back and wrap my arms around his neck and hold onto him so I don't have to swim.

We swim around for a while, Luke swimming upwards to go over the waves. I'm not sure how but somehow he supports my weight easily which is nice because I'm lazy. It's all calm until a huge wave comes crashing down on top of us earlier than it should've causing both of us to go under the water. I scream and water fills my mouth and I realize how stupid that was. I try kicking upwards, when the wave came down Luke and I were separated under the water. I keep trying to get the surface but an invisible force keeps pushing me down despite how hard I try to reach air. And that's when I realize I wasn't swimming at all; I was letting myself sink to the bottom of the ocean. I wasn't struggling against the currents but against myself and I guess now I know more of me wants to close my eyes and end it than anything else. At least I can make it quick. I open my mouth and breathe the water into my lungs. The salt burns my throat and I wanted to scream and sob. This is what I was meant to do. I belonged dead.

My mind became cloudy and I couldn't bring myself to breathe into more water. I deserve it slow. I deserve the pain. I deserve to die. I'm nothing but worthless; I'm trash and I shouldn't be wasting valuable oxygen. I flip around so I'm doing clean strokes down to the bottom of the sea. I kick my feet slightly and it's so hard to make these movements with nothing in my lungs. Something latches onto my ankle and pulls me up as I struggle against it. The force flips me over and grabs my waist tightly before pulling me up to the surface.

I feel a burst of air and I choke it into my water-filler lungs and gasp. My eyes fly open and look directly into blue ones. Luke saved me. He holds me tightly by the waist and supports my weight so I don't have to swim.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" He says in a hoarse whisper and I close my eyes.

"Nothing. I was thinking nothing, which was kind of the point." Luke sighs and leans his head on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around his shoulders.

"Please don't do that." I nod and lean into him and hold him tighter. I hold him as if he's the cold hard reality I need to grasp before I lose myself in my thoughts and nothingness. I feel tears streaming down my face but I don't think he notices because we're both soaking wet. I bury my face in his hair and wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me out of the water and back to the blanket where he sets me on my feet and tosses me a black towel to dry off and uses one himself.

I dry off the best I can before throwing my sweater on over my mostly-dry bathing suit. Luke puts on his shirt and we both sit down on the blanket. By now I'm shivering with horror and coldness. I crawl into Luke's lap and he loops his arms around me. After a moment he reaches for the bottle of alcohol he was drinking and sips it before handing it to me and I drink out of it.

"Do you want to talk about it or something?" Luke sounds unsure. No, I don't want to ever talk about how I just tried to kill myself because I could and probably get away with it making it look like I just drowned.

"I don't want to talk I just want to feel _good _for once. I don't want to be the one with the shit past and the screwed up mind for once. I want to listen, tell me something." Luke sighs and takes a long drink before speaking.

"Well I don't have any happy stories from my past so I can't help you with that, how about you stop whining about your past and how you have no happy stories and write one of those stories you'll look back up and smile over." And somehow that was exactly what I needed. Lena may be a little bitch but she's gone through shit too, everyone has their own shit story but the difference between everyone is how you deal with it.

"Do you have a radio?" I ask and he nods before pulling it out of the basket and turning up a song I've never heard before. He stood up and held out his hand to help me up and I following. Pretty soon I found myself laughing as Luke and I danced, well more like flailed around trying to dance, and kissing occasionally not ten minutes after I'd almost killed myself. My life is so confusing but I guess that doesn't matter because right now I'm smiling and having more fun than I've ever had.

**I'll try to update more often but no promises sooo**

**And I won't apologize for being different**

**~Sleeping With Sirens**


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